Dude, Where's My Car? (2000)
Ashton Kutcher: Jesse
Photos
Quotes
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[Jesse and Chester have tattoos on their backs that say "dude" and "sweet."]
Jesse : Dude! You got a tattoo!
Chester : So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say?
Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester : "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester : "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester : "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester : "Dude!" But what does mine say?
Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester : "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse : "S - wee - t!" What about mine?
[later]
Chester : [angry] "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse : [screaming] "Sweet!"
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Jesse : Hey, have you seen my car?
Christie Boner : Well, I saw it last night. I mean, I saw the backseat...
Jesse : [oblivious] No, I'm talking about the whole thing.
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Chinese Food Intercom : And then?
Jesse : And then...
[laughs nervously]
Jesse : I'm gonna come in there...
[grows livid]
Jesse : and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass IF YOU SAY "AND THEN" AGAIN!'!
[pause; Jesse almost gives in]
Chinese Food Intercom : [repeatedly] And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then!
[Jesse furiously smashes the speaker box, but Chester and Nelson pull him back inside the car, and they drive away]
Chinese Food Intercom : [severely damaged] And then...?
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Mr. Pizzacoli : [on delivering pizzas] A trained dolphin could do a better job than you two!
Jesse : Yeah, but then the pizzas would get all wet.
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[Jeese and Chester come across an ostrich]
Jesse : Dude, it's a llama!
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Zoltan : You gotta activate the...
Space Nerds : Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam!
Jesse : What?
Mr. Pizzacoli : They said The Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam, YOU FOOL!
Chester : Hurry, activate it, dude!
[a small panel on the Transfunctioner reads "Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam"]
Chester : I think that's it, dude.
Jesse : Thank you, Captain Obvious.
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Jesse : I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games!
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Alien Nordic Dude : But the universe?
Jesse : [mocking the Nordic dude's accent] "Screw the Universe!"
Alien Nordic Dudes : Screw the universe?
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Jesse : Stupid llamas!
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Mr. Pizzacoli : [knocks on the door] Open up, you 2 slackers!
Jesse and Chester : [quietly] Mr. Pizzacoli!
Mr. Pizzacoli : You guys left work last night with 30 pizzas that didn't get delivered, and I want some answers!
Jesse and Chester : [notice the undelivered pizzas around the house] Uh-oh.
Mr. Pizzacoli : OPEN UP THIS DAMN DOOR!
Chester : It's open!
Jesse : OHHH!
[he hits Chester]
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Jesse : I do not want to go down in history as the guy who destroyed the universe.
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Jesse : Hang in there, Dude.
Tortured Mannequin : [hangs in there]
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Jumpsuit Chick #1 : First you give us the Continuum Transfunctioner, then we give you oral pleasure.
Jesse : I've heard that one before...
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Jesse : Look, it's an elephant!
Mr. Pizzacoli : [turning around] What?
Jesse : It was just a mailman.
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Officer Rick : Oh... Did you guys say you wanted your car back, or that you wanted it impounded?
Jesse : Uhh, we want it back
Officer Rick : Oh, yeah, see, I accidentally sent your car to the impound lot. Sorry.
Jesse & Chester : Rick!
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Pierre : Alright, here it is: I am going to ask you a question. If you get it right, I will set you free. If you get it wrong, then, you will be spending a lot of time with the ever popular Mark.
Mark : I can be very nice.
[Mark begins to rub his nipples, while Jesse and Chester looks at him with disgust]
Pierre : Alright, here it is: What is the average running speed of a full-grown male African Ostrich?
Mark : [whispers] Pass. Pass to me, I know it.
Jesse : Pass to Mark.
Pierre : [screaming] You cannot pass! Shut up! What do I have to do to shut you up? Do I have to hose you down again?
Mark : Don't hose me! Maybe later.
Jesse : Dude, we're dead.
Chester : [whispers] Not so fast.
Chester : The full-grown male African Ostrich, or the latin "Struthio Camelus," can grow to an average size of six feet-six inches, and weigh anywhere from 225 to 350 pounds, that can get up to, oh, an average speed of 27 miles per hour.
Pierre : [showing excitement] This is absolutely correct!
Chester : Animal Planet.
Mark : Wow! I said Brown.
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Jesse : Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Chester : Maybe you should go sit on the toilet.
Jesse : No. No. You know what the feeling is? It's love!
Chester : Is that what that is?
Jesse : Yeah, I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.
Chester : Yeah!
Jesse : You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change.
Chester : We can?
Jesse : Yeah! And you know what else? I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? Coz we love them.
Chester : And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?
Jesse : Yeah. I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna go down the impound lot and get the car...
Chester : ...which has the gifts in it...
Jesse : ...and then we're gonna go over to the twins house and beg for them to take us back!
Chester : Yeah! Let's do it!
Jesse : Oh, no, hold on. I gotta take a crap.
Chester : Told you.
Jesse : I know.
Chester : I know your body.
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Jesse : Wait a second, let's recap. Last night, we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying.
[Chester slaps him]
Jesse : Thanks, dude.
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Jesse : Look, dude. It's those two totally gay Nordic dudes at 10 o'clock!
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Jesse : I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place.
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Jumpsuit Chick #1 : If you are Jesse and Chester, maybe we will give you erotic pleasure.
Jesse : That's us!
Chester : Right here!
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[At the police station]
Jesse , Officer Rick : [go to High Five]
Jesse : [Pulls back] Sucker!
Officer Rick : Oh, whose the goose? Me!
Chester : You're such a goose!
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Zoltan : Time has come you guys.
[Zoltan signals to another cult member to turn the music off so he can talk]
Zoltan : We are finally going to fulfill our prophecies of outer space travel.
[the rest of the cult members yells out Zoltan and make the shape of the letter Z with their hands]
Zoltan : They laughed at us when we said aliens existed and they mocked us when we started wearing bubble-wrapped jump suits, but who's laughing now? Huh?
[the rest of the cult members look around confused]
Chester : [laughs]
Zoltan : I'll tell you who's laughing now, we are!
[the rest of the cult members yells out Zoltan and make the shape of the letter Z with their hands]
Zoltan : Soon we will leave this lame planet and fly through outer space with cool aliens, who like us. It is going to be awesome!
[Jesse and Chester make the shape of the letter Z with their hands]
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[last lines]
Jesse : My back itches, dude.
Wanda : Jesse, you got a tattoo!
Wilma : Oh my god, so do you Chester!
Jesse : No way? What's mine say?
Wanda : Dude.
Chester : What about mine?
Wilma : Sweet.
Jesse : Yeah? But what does mine say?
Wanda : Dude.
Chester : What about mine?
Wilma : Sweet.
Jesse : I know they're sweet but dude, what does mine say?
Wanda : DUDE!
Chester : What about mine?
Wilma : Sweet!