Cor, Blimey! (2000 TV Movie)

Samantha Spiro: Barbara Windsor

Quotes 

• Barbara Windsor : I think heaven's being left alone with a Steinbeck in the edit suite. You sit in front of your life and you're allowed to re-edit it. Cut the rotten bits, loop the sex, montage the good moments. Live it over and over, a bit better every time. And eventually, make it perfect.

• Kenneth Williams : This bloody script is just one long relentless stream of badly written jokes cobbled together with disdain for the actors and complete contempt for the audience. One of the most morally and aesthetically offensive pieces of work I think I've ever read. I think I'll just camp it up.

  Barbara Windsor : That's what I admire about you, Kenny. Always searching for an original approach.

• Kenneth Williams : There comes a time in every man's life when he can no longer snog young women without appearing something of a dirty old sod, a benchmark you passed in the late 1950s.

  Sid James : That is charming.

  Kenneth Williams : You've got a very grubby image.

  Sid James : At least I haven't got a grubby Moroccan sex life.

  Kenneth Williams : Oh yes, go on. Throw your little stones from the ruined greenhouse of your own sad lechery. By all means pronounce judgement on diving splinter of my sexual proclivities if you can catch sight of it through the Epping Forest of your own lustful eye.

  Sid James : It's unnatural for a man to fancy other men.

  Barbara Windsor : Kenny doesn't fancy other men, he fancies himself. Other men are just the next best thing.

• Kenneth Williams : You have to work at a marriage.

  Barbara Windsor : I might have had a decent marriage if I hadn't had a lousy honeymoon.

  Kenneth Williams : Wasn't my fault you had a lousy honeymoon.

  Barbara Windsor : And how do you know I had a lousy honeymoon?

  Kenneth Williams : I was there.

  Barbara Windsor : Precisely!

• Sid James : I'm an actor, mate.

  Kenneth Williams : You're a cheap vaudevillian. Whereas I am a clasically trained thespian. I've worked with Orson Welles.

  Sid James : So have I.

  Kenneth Williams : I've played Shakespeare.

  Sid James : Well, so have I.

  Kenneth Williams : I have read a book.

  [Sid looks down at his feet] 

  Kenneth Williams : I have sat on the steps of the Colosseum and debated the nature of man with Sophocles, I have.

  [Kenneth farts] 

  Barbara Windsor : Kenny!

  Sid James : Bloody hell.

  Barbara Windsor : Honestly! How do you expect to maintain a decent working relationship with people I have no idea.

  Kenneth Williams : Rudolph Valentino was a farter. His leading ladies never complained.

  Barbara Windsor : They were silent films!

  Kenneth Williams : I consider it one of my more singular accomplishments that I can display an uncommon degree of eloquence from both ends...

  [He farts again] 

  Kenneth Williams : ... simultaneously!

• Kenneth Williams : Where are we going, then?

  Barbara Windsor : Well there's a small steakhouse in Stanmore where the owner, if she's in the mood, will ply the clientele with so much free booze you get way beyond "depressed". You can get to "fuck it all and the horse it rode in on".

• Sid James : [about Ronnie Knight, Barbara's first husband]  He knocks about with the Krays, doesn't he?

  Barbara Windsor : No he doesn't. I do.

• Barbara Windsor : Ronnie was married before. He was married when I met him. I was with him nine months before I found out. He was working us in shifts.

  Sid James : This is the man you're going to marry?

  Barbara Windsor : He won't mess around again.

  Sid James : A leopard cannot change its spots.

  Barbara Windsor : No, but it can have its balls cut off.