Miss Congeniality (2000)

Sandra Bullock: Gracie Hart

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Quotes 

• Kathy Morningside : New Jersey, as you know, there are many who consider the Miss United States Pageant to be outdated and anti-feminist. What would you say to them?

  Gracie Hart : Well, I would have to say - I used to be one of them. And then I came here and I realized that these women are smart, terrific people who are just trying to make a difference in the world. And we've become really good friends. I mean, I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face, and - wait a minute, I've already done that! And for me this experience has been one of the most rewarding and liberating experiences of my life.

  [audience applauds] 

  Victor Melling : My God, I did it!

  Gracie Hart : And if anyone, anyone - tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much that they'd wish they were never born. And if they ran, I would hunt them down. Thank you, Kathy.

  Victor Melling : A brief shining moment, and then that mouth!

• Gracie Hart : You think I'm gorgeous, you want to kiss me...

  [singsonging] 

  Gracie Hart : You want to hug me... You want to love me... You want to hug me... You want to smooch me... You want to...

• Gracie Hart : I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven't slept all night, I'm starved, and I'm armed! Don't *mess* with me!

• Gracie Hart : [a taxi nearly runs Gracie over]  Hey! I'm gliding here!

• Victor Melling : What, no armored car?

  Gracie Hart : That would be in my other dress.

• [Explaining why she was with a guy the night before] 

  Gracie Hart : I was dating him for a little while because he told me he had an incurable disease...

  All Girls : Ooh.

  Gracie Hart : Yeah, I didn't realize it was stupidity.

• Victor Melling : The interview is the single most important part of the pageant. It counts for 30 percent of your total score.

  Gracie Hart : What's the other 70 percent, cleavage?

• Victor Melling : [teaching Gracie how to glide]  See? Glide. It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty?

  Gracie Hart : It takes a very secure man to walk like that.

• Eric Matthews : Hart, listen to me. I've waited five years to run my own op. You think I'd blow it on the wrong girl?

  Gracie Hart : No no no, I know the only reason you picked me was because I was the only one who looked half decent in a bikini and wasn't on maternity leave.

  Eric Matthews : No, that's why they *let* me pick you. You wanna know why I picked you?

  Gracie Hart : Lost a bet?

  Eric Matthews : Because you're smart. Because you don't take any crap from people. You're funny. You're easy to talk to when you're not armed. Look, give yourself a break. Cut Vic and the other pagent ladies some slack cause if they ever get a chance to see what I see then... they're gonna love you.

• Gracie Hart : Look I know what I'm gonna do. I haven't done this since high school but it's like riding a bike.

  Victor Melling : You are not having sex on this stage.

  Gracie Hart : I didn't know that was an option.

• Gracie Hart : The last time I was this naked in public I was coming out of a uterus!

• Eric Matthews : This earpiece lets you hear anybody on our frequencies, and they can hear you.

  Gracie Hart : Don't need that, with all this foil in my hair I'm getting HBO.

• Victor Melling : By the way, what are you planning to do for your talent: sing, dance, chew with your mouth closed?

  Gracie Hart : I will do whatever you want me to do, Yoda.

• Eric Matthews : Just imagine that she's me and there's something you wanna know but I don't wanna talk about it. What would you do?

  Gracie Hart : You want me to beat it out of her?

• Eric Matthews : You gotta admit, part of you is going to miss this.

  Gracie Hart : I know I am going to miss the heels because they do something for my posture. And I'm suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts.

  Eric Matthews : Funny, me too.

• Kathy Morningside : Twenty-five years of bitching beauty queens, and what do I get? Fired! They steal my life, they steal my beauty pageant...

  Gracie Hart : Hey, hey! It is not a beauty pageant, it is a scholarship program.

  Kathy Morningside : Yeah, yeah.

  Gracie Hart : *Yes*!

• Stan Fields : What is the one most important thing our society needs?

  Gracie Hart : That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan.

  [crowd is silent] 

  Gracie Hart : And world peace!

  [crowd cheers ecstatically] 

  Stan Fields : Thank you, Gracie Lou.

  Gracie Hart : And thank *you*, Stan.

  [Gracie walks offstage] 

  Victor Melling : That was charming. Are you drunk?

  Gracie Hart : I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile!

• Gracie Hart : I would so love to hurt you right now.

  Victor Melling : As long as you smile.

• Eric Matthews : Operation "Thong" has commenced.

  Gracie Hart : Why don't you stun-gun yourself?

  Eric Matthews : I knew she'd like that one.

• Gracie Hart : Oh my gosh, it's the crown!

  Victor Melling : Yes, it is! You can taste it now, can't you?

  [Gracie is taken to the stage, wildly pointing at her head while she stutters about the crown] 

  Victor Melling : Yes, yes. You *wear* the crown, *be* the crown, you *are* the crown!

• Victor Melling : Why is New Jersey called "The Garden State"?

  Gracie Hart : Because it's too hard to fit"Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State" on a license plate?

• Eric Matthews : Don't look at me like I betrayed you.

  Gracie Hart : No, betrayal implies an action, you just stood there!

• Gracie Hart : Good evening, I know the program says I'm supposed to play the water glasses for you, but, uh, some of the girls got dehydrated.

• [Gracie pulls earpiece out of her ear] 

  Eric Matthews : Wo wo wo. Wait a minute, what are you doing? Put that back in your ear.

  Gracie Hart : I can't talk girl talk with a guy in my head! I can't even do it with me in my head!

• [to models refusing pizza and beer] 

  Gracie Hart : It's lite beer, and she's gonna throw it up anyway.

• Eric Matthews : All right, here's your new IDs. For pageant identity.

  Gracie Hart : [looking at hers]  Gracie Lou Freebush?

  Eric Matthews : Yeah, remember, you like that name.

  Gracie Hart : Yeah, well, my IQ just dropped ten points.

• Victor Melling : Your hair should make a statement.

  Gracie Hart : As long as it doesn't say 'Thank you very much for the Country Music Award'!

• Gracie Hart : My teeth - What are you going to do with my teeth?

  Victor Melling : Hopefully, remove the beer stains and steak residue.

• Eric Matthews : Maybe we could have dinner, you know?

  Gracie Hart : What? You, like, asking me on a date?

  Eric Matthews : No! Just casual dinner... If we happen to have sex afterwards so be it!

• Gracie Hart : Where am I gonna keep my gun?

  Eric Matthews : Nowhere I wanna know about!

• Victor Melling : In place of friends and relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun!

  Gracie Hart : Oh, *I* have sarcasm? When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain?

  Victor Melling : Ah! That is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist - and that works for me!

  Gracie Hart : You know what? I don't have relationships because I don't want them, an-an-and I don't have friends because I work 24/7. And you have no idea why I am the way that I am.

• [after Eric pulls Gracie into the pool] 

  Gracie Hart : Oh, Vic's gonna kill you. You in big trouble.

  Eric Matthews : You look good wet.

  Gracie Hart : Shut up!

• Eric Matthews : You took your earpiece out! Vic needs you, now!

  Gracie Hart : Eric, I haven't slept in two days!

  Eric Matthews : I'll give you a cookie.

  Gracie Hart : [mumbling to herself]  It better be a big one.

• [Vic puts some fake boobs in Gracie's suit] 

  Gracie Hart : Oh good. I guess it's time to go apply at my local Hooters.

  [Vic holds up a tube Hemorrhoid ointment] 

  Gracie Hart : What? Hemorrhoid ointment? You really think the judges are going to be looking that closely?

  Victor Melling : It's for the little baggies under your eyes.

  Gracie Hart : Really.

  [Vic shakes a can of hairspray] 

  Gracie Hart : Oh good, hairspray. Something I finally recognize.

  [Vic sprays the bottom of her suit and she bonks into the mirror] 

  Gracie Hart : What are you doing?

  Victor Melling : It stops the suit from riding up.

  Gracie Hart : Riding up where?

  Victor Melling : Just... up!

  Gracie Hart : That is enough!

  Victor Melling : Why do you make things difficult for me?

  Gracie Hart : Oh, yeah. I can see this is an incredibly embarrassing situation for you!

• Gracie Hart : You know what...

  [grabs Eric in a headlock] 

  Gracie Hart : Pull this off! What, is it because Macdonald hates me?

  Eric Matthews : He doesn't hate you!

  Gracie Hart : Is it some woman thing?

  [Eric knocks her to the floor] 

  Eric Matthews : Don't kid yourself! Nobody thinks of you that way!

  [Gracie trips him and sits on his back, holding him down] 

  Gracie Hart : He's punishing me, isn't he?

  Eric Matthews : [under Gracie]  Look, I had to beg him to let you do this!

  Gracie Hart : What?

  Eric Matthews : Yeah, like it or not you screwed up, pal!

  [they roll over attacking each other] 

  Gracie Hart : [Sitting on Eric again]  This may come as a shock to you but I've never been in a beauty pageant before! I don't even own a dress! I don't even own a brush!

  [They roll around again] 

  Eric Matthews : [with Gracie's thighs squeezing his head]  Which part o' that is supposed to shock me?

  [Gracie slams her thighs against his head and they roll over on the floor again] 

  Gracie Hart : [Eric's feet squeezing her face]  Jesus! Let's just swing reality for like a second! I have to do everything like the big hair, and the makeup...

  Eric Matthews : Damn right! The spinning, the twirling, the smiling...

  Gracie Hart : [out of breath]  So you're saying... I have to wear... the bathing suit?

• Gracie Hart : His ego is like this big and his equpment is like this big!

• [a dentist is cleaning Grace's teeth, and a barber is untangling her hair] 

  Gracie Hart : Can't I get some Novocain?

  Dentist : It's only a cleaning.

  Gracie Hart : No, I'm talking about Sweeney Todd back here.

• Eric Matthews : What do you say, Hart?

  Gracie Hart : No freakin' way.

  Eric Matthews : Sparky, why not?

  Gracie Hart : Cause I'm not gonna parade around in a swimsuit like some airhead bimbo that goes by the name, what, Gracie Lou Freebush and all she wants is world peace?

  Eric Matthews : It won't be like that. Come on, you're an important member of the undercover team.

  Gracie Hart : Yeah, right, in a thong.

• Gracie Hart : Look, she's gonna cry again.

  [imitating winner] 

  Gracie Hart : "Oh, if I only had a brain."

• Grace's father : [from trailer]  Honey, are you a lesbian?

  Gracie Hart : [snorts]  I wish!

• Kathy Morningside : You know, you think you saved something tonight, but all you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over this country.

  Gracie Hart : What? You think that their dream is to get blown up?

• Gracie Hart : In Hawaii, don't they use aloha for, like, hello and goodbye?

  Miss Hawaii : So?

  Gracie Hart : So if you're on the phone with somebody and they won't stop talking, how do you get them? You say, 'Okay take care, aloha' don't they just start over again?

• Gracie Hart : Donut Nazi.

• Victor Melling : Don't pick your feet up. Why are you picking your feet up?

  Gracie Hart : Because I'm preparing to run away!

• Gracie Hart : [to Victor]  You know, you're gonna get yours, Henry Higgins.

• Gracie Hart : Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio Women's Correctional Facility Pageant, huh, huh?

  [chuckles to herself, then turns to Matthews] 

  Gracie Hart : Get it, the Women's Correctional Facility Pageant...?

• Eric Matthews : We recently discovered some information about the winner from New Jersey.

  Gracie Hart : And her performance in a little film called "Arma-get-it-on."

  Stan Fields : Was that her?

• Gracie Hart : Ok, with all due respect here, why did Miss Morningside suggest you?

  Victor Melling : Because I am the best... they had their Southern belles, their Midwestern farmers' daughters, spunky western cowgirls, and I have... dirty Harriet!

• Eric Matthews : Why don't just you shut up?

  Gracie Hart : Why? You're shutting up enough for both of us.

• Gracie Hart : You ate pizza, you stole panties! You're a wild woman!

• Gracie Hart : Sir, that is one really really purple Russian, sir!

• [after getting a pint of Ben and Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream] 

  Gracie Hart : I'm going to get chip-faced.

• [last lines] 

  Gracie Hart : I really do want world peace.