The Whole Nine Yards (2000)

Matthew Perry: Oz Oseransky

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Oz : Damn it, Jimmy. Why the hell did you have to go and move in next door to me?

  Jimmy : Oz, do you know what kind of soil they have in this back yard? I've been here two days and I've got little tomato plants...

  Oz : Oh, my God.

• Oz : OK, OK. Let's say that he did make a pass at you. The guy's been in prison for five years. He's desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder.

• Jimmy : I'm gonna keep the Coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. If you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, chop your legs off, set your house on fire, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out of your house. OK, Pierre?

  [after a beat, the waiter turns to Oz] 

  Oz : I'm fine.

  [the waiter leaves, and Jimmy starts laughing] 

  Jimmy : You're fine? Let me tell you something, Oz. You are *not* fine. Do you know your wife wants you dead?

  Oz : [tugs off his wedding ring]  That much I've figured out.

• Cynthia : Have you vomited recently?

  Oz : A minute ago. I was just gonna brush my teeth.

  Cynthia : I'll wait.

• Janni Gogolack : Don't blong.

  Oz : *Don't blong*?

  Janni Gogolack : [Annoyed]  Don't BE long!

• Jill St. Claire : Your wife is not a nice person.

  Oz : You're expecting an argument?

• Jimmy : My wife? You shtupped my wife, Oz?

  Oz : I wouldn't exactly phrase it that way, exactly...

  Jimmy : [with increasing anger]  No, no, no! Let me get this straight. You went down to Chicago and engaged in sexual CONGRESS with my wife? Is that what you're telling me?

  Jill St. Claire : Jimmy, Jimmy, calm down!

  Jimmy : [now livid]  IS IT? I SWEAR TO GOD...!

  [Jill takes the phone from Jimmy] 

  Oz : [to Cynthia]  He's a little upset. I've managed to upset a mass murderer.

  Jimmy : FIND OUT WHERE HE IS!

  [into phone] 

  Jimmy : JUST STAY RIGHT THERE!

  [Jill takes the phone away] 

  Jimmy : It's a DISGRACE...

  Jill St. Claire : [into phone]  Oz, you stud, you!

  Frankie Figs : Gonna be a DEAD stud.

• Dave Martin : Don't do anything stupid.

  Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky : Why would you say that?

  Dave Martin : You married Sophie.

• Cynthia : Promise me something.

  Oz : Anything.

  Cynthia : You'll go slow. I haven't made love in five years.

  Oz : Neither have I. I've been married.

• Oz : I swear, I am not gonna let anybody kill you.

  Cynthia : Under the circumstances, I think that's probably the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.

  Oz : Thanks.

• Cynthia : But he knows I don't want to be married to him anymore, and, like I said, he doesn't believe in divorce.

  Oz : But murder he's OK with?

  Cynthia : It's what he does.

• Jimmy : You're a lucky guy, Oz.

  Oz : Why would you say that?

  Jimmy : You're about to find out if the woman you love loves you. You know, if it were me, in her position, I'd just take the money and run.

  Oz : So what are you betting on?

  Jimmy : I'm betting on love. Love for you means money for me. And like I said before, I'd really hate to have to kill you.

• Cynthia : You really meant it, didn't you? What you said?

  Oz : About loving you? Of course! What did you think this was all about?

  Cynthia : [shrugs]  Sex. I mean, GREAT sex...

  Oz : [chuckling]  It was pretty good... is that all this has meant to you?

  Cynthia : Don't get me wrong, Oz. I like you a lot...

  Oz : Well, that's great to hear, but I've got news for you. I don't generally go around risking my life for people who just like me.

• Jimmy : Everyone dies.

  Oz : [looks worried] 

  Jimmy : Sooner or later.

• Jimmy : [Oz is mowing his lawn and Jimmy shows up]  Hey, Oz, since I'm new here I was wondering if you could show me the sights, you know?

  Oz : Now?

  Jimmy : [puts Oz in the car]  Yeah, don't worry, it's not gonna kill ya.

  Oz : [quietly]  Promise?

• Oz : He sa... he said you guys haven't even met.

  Sophie Oseransky : Who you going to believe? A contract killer or your wife?

  Oz : Do I have to answer that?

• Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski : You're a dentist?

  Oz : Afraid so.

  Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski : You suicidal?

  Oz : Why would you say that?

  Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski : Well, I read that dentists are prone to suicide.

  Oz : Look, Jimmy, I may hate my life, but I certainly don't want to die.

• Frankie Figs : Aren't you gonna cry out for help?

  Oz : Would it do any good?

  Frankie Figs : ...No.

• Oz : [Jimmy just shot Frankie Figs]  Why did you kill him?

  Jimmy : [Jimmy throws the gun into the river]  Well, I had to kill one of you.

  Oz : Well, then you definitely made the right decision. But why did you have to kill him?

  Jimmy : Well, if I didn't kill you, Frankie would have. Then he would have figured I'd gone soft, and eventually come after me and the money.

• Jimmy : [after Oz makes him laugh]  You sure you're a dentist?

  Oz : Yeah. Why?

  Jimmy : Because I've never met a dentist I liked.

  Oz : Well, I try to keep things as painless as possible.

  Jimmy : Me, too.

• Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky : Oh, and don't forget the corpses.

• Oz : Uh... it's room service. Before I vomited I ordered scotch.

• Oz : [after Frankie beats a confession out of Oz]  I MAY know where he is.

  Frankie Figs : Well, all right. But don't tell me. Let's go tell Janni.

  Oz : OK. You mind if I piss a little blood first?

  Frankie Figs : Please, by all means.

• Jimmy : [after finding out Oz slept with his wife]  I'll tell you one thing. You got balls.

  Oz : Yeah. Who knew?

• [Oz is on the phone with Jill while Sophie drives him to the airport] 

  Jill St. Claire : Are you going alone?

  Oz : Yes.

  Jill St. Claire : Good, can you do me a huge favor while you're there? Go out and get laid.

  Oz : Jill!

  [covers the phone] 

  Jill St. Claire : And call me the second you get back. Better yet, call me right after. Call me during! I want all the details!

• Oz : All right, maybe he won't come after us. Maybe he'll just let us go.

  [Cynthia just looks at him] 

  Oz : All right, maybe I can talk with him, reason with him. I mean, we're friends now, right?

  Cynthia : That's what Harry Lefkowitz thought.

  Oz : What happened to Harry Lefkowitz?

  [Cynthia just looks at him] 

  Oz : I don't want to know what happened to Harry Lefkowitz.

• [Oz watches from behind a two-way mirror as Sophie sobbingly confesses to trying to murder him] 

  Oz : This would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic.

  Sgt. Buchanan : You want to talk with her?

  Oz : No... no, I don't think so.

  Agent Morrissey : I don't blame you.

  Oz : You guys know any good divorce lawyers?

• Janni Gogolack : I vant you to understand, when it comes to Yimmy Tudeski, we're not talking about a human being. We're talking about a rodent! We're talking about wermin!

  [pause] 

  Janni Gogolack : Where was I?

  Oz : Wermin, I think. Wermin.

  Janni Gogolack : We're talking about someone--SCREW THAT!--someTHING that doesn't deserve to be breathing. The AIR!

• Jimmy : You like living in Canada?

  Oz : No, I live here with my wife.

• Jimmy : But just so you know, I am disappointed, Oz. I am extremely disappointed with you.

  Oz : Believe me, you are the last person I would ever want to disappoint, but everything I everything I did, was for love.

  Jimmy : Yeah, whatever.

• Frankie Figs : You what? You told Jimmy? What the hell did you do that for?

  Oz : I felt sorry for him! I like him. Well, I liked him.

  Frankie Figs : So you don't like him no more?

  Oz : Well, it's a little hard to maintain a friendship with a man who wants to kill you.

  Frankie Figs : If you sold my ass out to Janni, then told me about it, I'd want to ice your ass, too!

  Oz : I know.

  [Frankie sucks on his teeth] 

  Oz : You know, I can close that gap for you.

  Frankie Figs : Really?

  Oz : Yeah, you'd be in and out.

  Frankie Figs : You're kidding. This thing right here?

• Janni Gogolack : You know I have this same car?

  Oz : Really?

  Janni Gogolack : No.

• Jimmy : I take it you're not Canadian.

  Oz : Only by marriage.

• Jill St. Claire : [5:16]  I just want a hamburger and french fries

  Oz : OK, I'm going to have a hamburger with no mayonnaise this time

  Waitress : No Mayonnaise?

  Oz : No Mayonnaise. Not at all, OK?

  Oz : She's going to put mayonnaise on it