- Mr. Geiger: [holding up ink blots] Just tell me what you see.
- Merton: It looks like a bat.
- Mr. Geiger: Very good. And now?
- Merton: Bat.
- Mr. Geiger: And?
- Merton: Bat... bat... A lonely boy, failing to please his demanding father at every turn.
- Mr. Geiger: Wait, that one's upside-down.
- [flips picture]
- Merton: Bat.
- Tommy: [reciting a spell to banish an evil witch] From the ground to the air, from the air to the ground! The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round! The wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the day!
- Merton: [puts a hand on Lori's shoulder] It was nice knowing you.
- Merton: I've stayed up countless nights watching American Werewolf in London. American Werewolf in Paris! I even wrote a screenplay for American Werewolf in Lenningrad - which, of course is now St. Petersburg, but the story still works.
- Merton: [reading] Ah! Here it is! 'Although not recognized as a legal defense in most states, evil twins have plagued mankind throughout history.'
- Male cheerleader: Merton, don't think I'm razzing you, or giving you the business, but what made you come around?
- Merton: The Badminton Club rejected me. I couldn't say 'shuttlecock' without giggling.
- [both giggle]
- Merton: Look yonder, the Henderson family is having a picnic. "Son, eat your sandwich and we'll play wiffle ball." "But father, I don't fancy egg salad. I'd much prefer tea and crumpets! I'd also like me porridge! Porridge tastes good in me tummy! I like porridge..."
- Hyacinth: Merzekial, are you breaking up with me?
- Merton: Death? You mean Tommy's gonna die?
- Professor Fugelhoff: Do you know of another outcome for death?
- Becky: I'm not saying you should get a nose job. I'm just saying you should wear big hats or something to make it look smaller.
- Tommy: There's a lot of kids out there with pretty wild imaginations, but I wasn't one of them. I really did get attacked by a character from a video game.
- Merton: I can't hide it any more. The truth is, I've got spirit. Yes I do. I've got spirit. How 'bout you! Wooohooo!
- Merton: [Merton is accused of being a nerd] Nerds have labs. I have a lair. Ergo, I am not a nerd... Please disregard my use of 'ergo'
- Merton: R-O-W-D-I-E! That is the way we spell rowdy! Funny, that's not how the dictionary spells it.