- Guy Graham: [about the news article that Doug had] Who gave you that?
- Patti Mayonnaise: [scoffs] How could you!
- Guy Graham: Oh, please. All this fuss over a big stinky lizard? I may throw up. We're outta here. You're coming or what?
- [he grabs Patti's arm]
- Patti Mayonnaise: Guy.
- Guy Graham: What?
- Patti Mayonnaise: You're outta here!
- [she pushes Guy the dock into shallow water, and he leaves in defeat]
- Mr. Bluff: [after the boys take Herman to the lake, Mr. Bluff runs through the agents] Where is it?
- Skeeter: The monster's in the lake Mr. Bluff, 10 miles long and 5 miles wide. You're welcome to start looking.
- Mr. Bluff: [Enraged at having been overruled for good and all] You! Well you two must be pretty smart. Well we'll see how smart you are when I get through with you. Because from now on, I will dedicate every waking hour to making the rest of your days, a living, writhing, pain-wracked nightmare.
- Beebe Bluff: Daddy, knock it off.
- Mr. Bluff: But sugar-pie. I was just trying...
- Beebe Bluff: Doug and Skeeter are my friends, such as they are, if you have something to tell them, please discuss it with me.
- Mr. Bluff: But Beebekins, honey I...
- Mayor Tippi Dink: Bill, I think you should discuss your pollution problems, with me.
- Mr. Bluff: Mayor Dink! Oh yes of course, certainly, certainly.
- Mayor Tippi Dink: Meanwhile, it's cold out here, shouldn't you kids be inside dancing?
- [spotlight shuts off and Bill goes away following Beebe]
- [last lines]
- Doug Funnie: [narrating] So journal, that was Valentine's day. Up to the last minute, I thought that everyone - especially Patti - would think I was a big loser. But like Mayor Tippy said, it's important to do the right thing, no matter what everyone else thinks. And maybe because he followed her advice, things are just a little bit better in Bluffington, Mr. Bluff volunteered to clean up Lucky Duck Lake. And Patti and I danced on the dock under the moon for quite some time. I wouldn't have minded if it had gone on forever.
- Skeeter: No, Herman, bad. No drinking out of the toilet!, So, who do we tell first?
- Doug Funnie: Skeet, this is front-page headlines We're gonna be famous, We have to go right to the top!
- Principal White: Well, as mayor, I mean, principal, I am honored to welcome this new exchange student to our illustrious school. Welcome, What's her name?
- Doug Funnie: Well, Principal White...
- Principal White: Principal White?... Hmm. Why does that name sound so familiar?
- Doug Funnie: No, it's Herman... Nooniny.
- Principal White: Ah, what a beautiful name. Herman Nanoo-Niny, Welcome to our school, young foreign person, Vote for me.
- Herman Melville: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
- Principal White: What did she say?
- Doug Funnie: Thanks. She said thanks.
- Briar Langolier: Dylan how can I love you when I'm really in love with your other personality Rufus>
- Guy Graham: [to Doug] Listen, pal! If I were you, I wouldn't go around saying stuff you can't prove!
- Mr. Bluff: [upon capturing Herman] You boys decided that you're gonna make me look bad. I have friends at your school... . you boys could be in middle school for a long time to come! If you know what's good for you, you'll forget everything that happened here tonight!
- Roger Klotz: Hey! Psst, Funnie. You hoo!
- Doug Funnie: Just a second.
- [grumbles]
- Doug Funnie: Every time I get a chance...
- Roger Klotz: I just wanted to thank you and the guys for getting rid of my uh, robot problem.
- Doug Funnie: That's O.K., no problem Roger.
- Roger Klotz: Thanks man, you're a...
- RoboCrusher: [interrupts, she's in pieces dragging herself along the ground holding the jacket] There you are, oh you forgot your jacket.
- [Roger screams like a girl and runs away]
- RoboCrusher: Roger, Roger, Roger...
- [With Roger gone, Doug goes back to the dock with Patti]
- Doug Funnie: [narrating] Dear Journal, it's me Doug Funnie. I've lived at 21 Jumbo Street for the last year and a half and I've seen a lot of weird things. But what happened last week was probably the weirdest. I guess it all started right before Valentines Day. That means at school people have just one thing on their mind.
- Beebe Bluff: A Valentine's dance! Let's go shopping.
- Skeeter: [sneaks out the backway of the dance to find out when the BluffCo truck is suppose to come to deliver Herman] Excuse me Mr. Guard I'm expecting a delivery tonight from BluffCo.
- Security Guard: [checks his list] Sorry son. No deliverys tonight.
- Skeeter: Are you sure there isn't a truck coming from BluffCo?
- Security Guard: Nope they made their deliverly hours ago.
- [Skeeter gasps realizing Herman is already there]
- Roger Klotz: You lamebrains! It's dinky. Didn't you look at my plan? It's supposed to be this big compared to me.
- Elmo: Exactly.
- Roger Klotz: Whoa! You dipsticks! This is wrong! Change me back! Change me back now!
- Principal White: Why aren't you boys dancing?
- Willie: You mean with a girl Dad?
- Boomer: I'm eating snakes.
- Ned: I have to go to the bathroom.