The Specials (2000)

Mike Schwartz: U.S. Bill

Photos 

Quotes 

• U.S. Bill : This is the basement. Want to see the furnace?

  Nightbird : That's okay.

  U.S. Bill : It's hot. Don't press your face against it for too long or you get red streaks on you for, like, a month.

• Minute Man : God damn it, Ted, if you were my siamese twin I'd fucking kill you.

  [runs upstairs] 

  U.S. Bill : What does that mean?

• Mr. Smart : I have a problem with my cyclo-lucidic nasal enhancer.

  U.S. Bill : Your what?

  Mr. Smart : This thing on my nose! I can't get it off. It's driving me crazy! I smell *everything*! The world is covered in urine.

  U.S. Bill : What am I supposed to do about it?

  Mr. Smart : I need an extra set of hands. Here, see these two levers at the bottom?

  U.S. Bill : These?

  Mr. Smart : Yes. Pinch those together with each of your hands. Don't pull yet.

  U.S. Bill : I'm not gonna pull.

  Mr. Smart : [Bill pulls; bleeding from his nose]  Ow, you fuck! You tore my fucking nostril off.

  U.S. Bill : You told me to pull.

• The Strobe : In light of tonight's reception, I think it's only appropriate that we discuss some of the public behavior of some of the group's members, which, as of late, has been lacking a certain, shall we say, tact. Witness this photograph of Amok and Weevil smoking cigarettes in a bathroom stall. Appeared in the L.A. Daily News.

  The Weevil : Ted, look, it's not like we were walking down Main Street. We were crouched down in a stall. A guy came in with a camera.

  The Strobe : You don't see the Crusaders smoking cigarettes.

  U.S. Bill : What if they were doing number two?

  The Strobe : Let me tell you something, my friend. When I first gained my superpowers...

  Amok : Here we go again.

  The Strobe : Some of us may not think this is trivial, pal. Some of us may want to hear this. Note the new member, for instance, Nightbird.

  Power Chick : I wanna hear it.

  The Strobe : Thank you, Power Chick.

  Power Chick : You're welcome, Ted.

  Mr. Smart : [the machine on his nose whirs]  Someone's playing with Play-Doh.

• Amok : Hey, Tony, what do you think of the new chick?

  The Weevil : She's okay, I guess.

  Amok : I kinda wanna fuck her.

  U.S. Bill : She's a fox.

  Amok : Shut up.

  The Weevil : She's a little young.

  Amok : But fuckable.

  U.S. Bill : [non-sequitur]  Raisins come from vines.

  Amok : She's cute, though, right?

  Mr. Smart : Yes, but I wish her breasts were larger.

  The Weevil : Like what? Zeppelins?

• U.S. Bill : This is the part where I go home.

  The Weevil : Night, Bill.

  Ms. Indestructible : Bye.

  U.S. Bill : I can't tell you where I'm going. It's a secret.

  The Weevil : Yeah.

  U.S. Bill : I know the curiosity must be killing you. Who is he? But I can't tell you. That's my privilege.

  The Weevil : [sarcastic]  It is killing me, but I'm gonna make it.

  U.S. Bill : We're not supposed to come in tomorrow, are we?

  Ms. Indestructible : Unless we get this straightened out, you should just sleep in.

• U.S. Bill : [to a reporter]  With super powers comes super responsibility. For instance, when you see a little girl, I'm urnating on that