The Specials (2000)

Rob Lowe: The Weevil

Quotes 

• The Weevil : I've had superpowers longer than anyone in the Specials, I think - which explains why I'm the only one with a Pez dispenser with a little me on it.

• The Weevil : My old man used to say that love is what happens when you fail at living life on your own. He was gay, so what did he know?

• The Weevil : The government gives the Crusaders all the best gigs. The Specials, goddamn, it's like being last sailor in line behind the whore.

• Verdict : You know what first ran through my head when I discovered I was the world's strongest man?

  The Weevil : No.

  Verdict : Think of the pussy, Weevil.

  The Weevil : What's a pussy weevil?

• The Weevil : So, why me?

  Verdict : "Weevil" is a brand name in which we'd like to share. And you have the superpower we most admire - you know how to make people like you.

  The Weevil : Yeah, well...

  Verdict : And, also, we have a line of Crusader Beanie Babies coming out in August, and none of our members wear blue.

• The Weevil : I think the weirdest superguy was with me back in the Teen Hustlers. Chest of Death?

  Power Chick : Oh, yeah, yeah. He was a happening guy.

  The Weevil : Yeah, and he had that, um... that thing?

  Power Chick : Yeah, he had a hole in the-in the chest of his costume and this... and this piece of flesh that he could just stretch out and, you know, slap somebody.

  The Weevil : His scrotum.

  [seeing her and Mr. Smart's looks] 

  The Weevil : What? That's what it was.

  Power Chick : No way.

  The Weevil : Yes. Oh, come on. No, he... look, he... he had some weird ability to stretch his scrotum for, you know, hundreds of yards. And what he would do is he'd cut a hole in his uniform and then he would thread the scrotum through the hole. It would dangle, you know, then he would just say it was some weird piece of flesh. But, well, actually, it was his scrotum.

  Mr. Smart : Wow.

  Power Chick : One time, he tickled me with that thing!

• The Weevil : I've been offered membership in the Crusaders. I know.

  Amok : Are you gonna do this?

  The Weevil : No. I don't know.

  Amok : Those guys are fucks.

  The Weevil : You think?

  Amok : They put me in prison!

  The Weevil : You were part of a society of supervillains that was gonna give the world scurvy.

  Amok : Not scurvy, scabies. It's like a rash. And I was 19 fucking years old. What do you want me to do? Jerk all you cocksuckers off 'til I'm an old man?

• The Strobe : In light of tonight's reception, I think it's only appropriate that we discuss some of the public behavior of some of the group's members, which, as of late, has been lacking a certain, shall we say, tact. Witness this photograph of Amok and Weevil smoking cigarettes in a bathroom stall. Appeared in the L.A. Daily News.

  The Weevil : Ted, look, it's not like we were walking down Main Street. We were crouched down in a stall. A guy came in with a camera.

  The Strobe : You don't see the Crusaders smoking cigarettes.

  U.S. Bill : What if they were doing number two?

  The Strobe : Let me tell you something, my friend. When I first gained my superpowers...

  Amok : Here we go again.

  The Strobe : Some of us may not think this is trivial, pal. Some of us may want to hear this. Note the new member, for instance, Nightbird.

  Power Chick : I wanna hear it.

  The Strobe : Thank you, Power Chick.

  Power Chick : You're welcome, Ted.

  Mr. Smart : [the machine on his nose whirs]  Someone's playing with Play-Doh.

• The Weevil : We have a problem.

  The Strobe : What problem?

  The Weevil : Promise me you're not gonna panic.

  The Strobe : Okay, I'm panicking. That line about don't panic makes me panic.

  The Weevil : Right. Check out Smart.

  The Strobe : [seeing him with a makeshift bandage on his nose]  Holy shit. Is that a maxi pad on his face?

• Amok : Hey, Tony, what do you think of the new chick?

  The Weevil : She's okay, I guess.

  Amok : I kinda wanna fuck her.

  U.S. Bill : She's a fox.

  Amok : Shut up.

  The Weevil : She's a little young.

  Amok : But fuckable.

  U.S. Bill : [non-sequitur]  Raisins come from vines.

  Amok : She's cute, though, right?

  Mr. Smart : Yes, but I wish her breasts were larger.

  The Weevil : Like what? Zeppelins?

• The Weevil : Some of you may be wondering "How did the Specials come to be?". Well, the group was the brainchild of Ted and Tim Tilderbrook, better known to the world as the Strobe and Minute Man.

  Power Chick : The original five were friends before being teammates. Ted and Tim - he was Minute Boy back then - Ms. Indestructible, the Weevil, and Stretchy Boy!

  Ms. Indestructible : Stretchy Boy joined the group when we were around for, uh... about what, a year?

  Minute Man : About a year.

  Ms. Indestructible : Stretchy Boy had stretching powers. It's a... it's a pretty common superpower where he was from, up in the northwestern states.

  Minute Man : Tacoma.

  Ms. Indestructible : Something about the fluoridation in the water.

  Minute Man : Yeah. Unfortunately, the same chemicals that gave him his superpowers gave him a type of mouth cancer and he was dead in six months. The same thing happened to Captain Elastic, Flagpole Lad...

  Ms. Indestructible : Gooey Stan.

  Minute Man : Like a Holocaust of rubbery people.

  The Weevil : Our next member was Mr. Smart, who claimed to be the world's most intelligent man.

  Power Chick : Then came Eight, the hero with eight faces. Some claim the CIA was behind the mysterious fusion of eight consciousnesses into one.

  The Weevil : Eight was followed in rapid succession by U.S. Bill and his superstrength.

  Power Chick : The anti-matter-blasting bad boy, Amok.

  The Weevil : And Power Chick, who has the ability to mutate her body into any material that she touches, whether it be wood, metal, or heck, a Fruit Roll-Up.

  Power Chick : I'd be yummy then. Next came Deadly Girl, who has the ability to enter the world of the dead and then reappear anywhere she wants.

  The Weevil : And the shape-shifting Alien Orphan, whose ship crash-landed on Earth. Alien Orphan's body was originally a green globule. But little by little, our extraterrestrial pal has been able to take on what's essentially a human form.

  Power Chick : This is the group that has had such keen victories as recently saving the island province of San Felipe from a flock of murderous pterodactyls, and last fall, stopping the Anal Slug from ruining the lives of any more senior citizens.

  The Weevil : And so now, we boldly enter a new chapter in Specials history. I, for one, have a feeling that Stretchy Boy is smiling from above. Or he... he would be if... if he had a mouth.

• The Strobe : Don't think that your Weevil agility can outrun my lasers, pal! If I wanted to, I could cut your head off and then do some intricate welding and slicing with your guts!

  The Weevil : What? Get... get the cameras out of here!

  Minute Man : Will you get the cameras out of here? Tony, what'd you do to him?

  The Weevil : I didn't do anything!

  Ms. Indestructible : Ted, let's go home. Let's talk about this...

  The Strobe : I don't know where your home is, lady, but it's not with me.

  Deadly Girl : What did you do to him?

  Ms. Indestructible : This is none of your business.

  Deadly Girl : He's my friend.

  Ms. Indestructible : He's my husband!

  The Weevil : Ted, just... just tell us what's wrong.

  The Strobe : What's wrong? You mean beyond the fact that you're fucking my wife?

  [Deadly Girl punches Ms. Indestructible in the eye, hard] 

• U.S. Bill : This is the part where I go home.

  The Weevil : Night, Bill.

  Ms. Indestructible : Bye.

  U.S. Bill : I can't tell you where I'm going. It's a secret.

  The Weevil : Yeah.

  U.S. Bill : I know the curiosity must be killing you. Who is he? But I can't tell you. That's my privilege.

  The Weevil : [sarcastic]  It is killing me, but I'm gonna make it.

  U.S. Bill : We're not supposed to come in tomorrow, are we?

  Ms. Indestructible : Unless we get this straightened out, you should just sleep in.

• The Weevil : You know in the last Rolling Stone costumed-hero poll, I was voted...

  Ms. Indestructible : Most witty.

  The Weevil : The world loves me and you married Ted. It's funny how you always want what the other guy has.