George Khan:
...when I come this country, I have no luggage. Today what I got?
Meenah Khan:
You got a chip shop. dad.
George Khan:
Right. Own bloody business, see.
Priest:
God bless.
George Khan:
And Allah be with you
[
In the hospital following Sajid's circumcision]
George Khan:
Tickle-Tackle all gone?
Doctor:
[
Puzzled] Circumcision was absolutely fine.
George Khan:
You Indian?
Ella Khan:
[
whispering] George.
George Khan:
[
to Ella] Bastard Indian.
Tariq Khan:
[
Watching Enoch Powell speaking on TV] We should have a whip round and get Dad repatriated.
Ella Khan:
Do you think I'm a good mother?
Auntie Annie:
No, I think you're a friggin' awful mother.
Ella Khan:
They filmed "The Dambusters" here.
Meenah Khan:
Mam, you say that EVERYTIME we come to Bradford.
Ella Khan:
Well they bloody did.
[
Abdul and Tariq approach a local nightclub]
Bouncer:
All right, Tony, how ya goin' mate?
Tariq Khan:
All right, Bazza?
Bouncer:
Yeah, good to see ya. All right, in ya go.
Tariq Khan:
Nice, mate.
Bouncer:
[
to Abdul] Where do you think you're going, smiler?
Tariq Khan:
This is our kid, erm...
Abdul Khan:
Arthur, me name's Arthur.
Stella Moorhouse:
I'll never let the colour of your Dad come between us.
George Khan:
I won't have my son looking like bastard hippie.
Stella Moorhouse:
Let's elope. That's soooo romantic.
Mr. Moorhouse:
See. You let one of 'em in, and the whole fuckin' tribe turns up.
Ella Khan:
Sorry about him Mr. Shah. He's just been circumcised.
[
Annie meets Tariq and Abdul's brides to be]
Auntie Annie:
[
sarcastic] Is it these two. They're bleedin' gorgeous. You're lucky you pair aren't ya. Landin' a couple of belters like these.
Auntie Annie:
They'll do anything for you Mrs/ Shah. Good Samaritans they are. Just like in the Bible.
[
Heard by Mrs Shah from outside]
Meenah Khan:
[
Referring to the Shahs' daughters] Have you seen the state of them two. One of 'em's got a moustache like Dad.
Ella Khan:
Kids eh. Were your two like that Mrs. Shah?
Mrs. Shah:
[
Sternly] No.
Mrs. Shah:
I believe in strict discipline. Especially in a NON-Pakistani environment.
Auntie Annie:
Our Peter knows how far he can go before I knock him to Kingdom Come. And that's just my husband Mrs. Shah.
Mrs. Shah:
I will never allow my daughters to marry into this jungly family of half-breeds.
Ella Khan:
Well they may be half-bred, but at least they're not friggin' inbred like those two monstrosities.
Mr. Shah:
[
to George] You're wife's a disgrace.
Ella Khan:
[
to Mrs. Shah] Piss of out of my house, and take Laurel and Hardy with you.
Priest:
God Bless.
George Khan:
Allah go with you.
Sajid Khan:
Mum! Mum! The Pakis are here!
Mark:
Gunga Din! Drinking the white man's brew!
Fat Twat:
What are you doing here, Abdul?
Abdul Khan:
It's me stag night. I'm gettin' married.
Mark:
Who to?
Abdul Khan:
Dunno. Me dad hasn't bothered introducing us yet.
Sajid Khan:
Get stuffed!
Stella Moorhouse:
I'll never let the colour of your Dad come between us. It's not fair coz I love curry an' all.
Tariq Khan:
Yeah. Nice one.
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