Topsy-Turvy (1999)
Jim Broadbent: William Schwenck Gilbert
Photos
Quotes
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Gilbert : There's something inherently disappointing about success.
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Gilbert : Madam, I had rather spend an afternoon in a Turkish bath with my mother than visit the dratted dentist.
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Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) : I do apologize, sir, that neither I nor Schwenck was here to welcome you on your arrival last night.
Gilbert's Father : I do not appreciate being left upon the doorstep like a hawker!
Gilbert : If you'll only take the trouble to press the electric bell, Father, you'll be admitted at once. Is that not so, Pidgeon?
Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman : Indeed it is, sir.
Gilbert's Father : I have no intention of placing my life in danger, sir!
Gilbert : How many doorstep deaths have we had thus far, Pidgeon?
Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman : None to my certain knowledge, sir.
Gilbert : There you are, Father. The odds would appear to be in your favour.
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Wilhelm : Rest assured, Mr. Lely, my designs are properly researched and authentic to the last thread.
Durward Lely : No disrespect to you, Mr. Wilhelm, but your authentically tailored costume seems to have left me rather in the buff, somewhat!
Wilhelm : No more in the buff than Japanese peasants have been for the last eight hundred years, sir.
Durward Lely : May I draw your attention, Mr. Wilhelm, to the fact that I am not actually a Japanese peasant?
Gilbert : No, you are a Scotch actor who is taking the part of a Japanese prince who is posing as an itinerant minstrel.
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Gilbert : A terrible thing has just happened, Grossmith. You've become a cockney.
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[giving notes after a dress rehearsal]
Gilbert : Your performances were, on the whole, promising, which is more than can be said, alas, for that of the sliding doors. One of which might have thought it was in Japan, but the other was apparently stubbornly laboring under the misapprehension that it was on holiday in Yorkshire.
[laughter]
Richard Barker : Where was the man, Mr. Seymour?
Mr. Seymour, Production Manager : Rest assured, Mr. Barker, that tomorrow night he will be with us in Japan.
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Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) : How's my wounded soldier?
Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid : He's not doing as he's told, madam.
Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) : Oh, isn't he now? Willie, are you intending to visit the dentist tomorrow?
Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid : You really should try...
Gilbert : [exploding] Oh, for God's sake, you pair of bloody harpies! Get out, I'm *working*!
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Gilbert : Every theatrical performance is a contrivance by its very nature.
Sullivan : Yes, but this piece consists entirely of an artificial and implausible situation.
Gilbert : If you wish to write a Grand Opera about a prostitute, dying of consumption in a garret, I suggest you contact Mr Ibsen in Oslo. I am sure he will be able to furnish you with something suitably dull.
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Gilbert's Father : [on Gilbert's mother] She is a veritable gorgon.
Gilbert : She is indeed, and she has chosen her own path, and in so doing, she has turned her back on yourself and myself. And for that small mercy we should both of us be eternally grateful.
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Gilbert : Can we do that line again please, Barrington, and this time try it in English.
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Gilbert : I'm sure we shall reap the benefits of your remonstrations in the fullness of time.
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Gilbert's Father : Am I to understand, sir, that you have been in communication with your mother?
Gilbert : No, Father, not for some considerable time, I'm glad to say.
Gilbert's Father : You are a liar, sir.
Gilbert : No, sir. I can assure you, Papa, that the very last person with whom I wish to have any communication at all is your estranged wife, the vicious woman who bore me into this ridiculous world.
Gilbert's Father : How dare you, sir? Have you no respect?
Gilbert : Don't misunderstand me, Father. Nobody respects her more than I do, and I can't stand the woman.
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Gilbert's Father : A father should not have to seek permission to visit his own son!
Gilbert : The son shouldn't be expected to be clairvoyant.
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Gilbert : I don't quite know how to take praise. It makes my eye red.
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[rehearsing a scene]
George Grossmith : [annoyed] "Well, a nice mess you've got us into, with your nodding head, and the deference due to a man of pedigree!"
Gilbert : Mr. Grossmith, you are under sentence of death, "by something lingering, either boiling oil or melted lead." Kindly bear that in mind.
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Gilbert : What are you writing, sir?
Calligrapher : [speaks Japanese]
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Wilhelm : Mr. Grossmith, kindly oblige me by removing your hat.
George Grossmith : Why, sir? Are you ready for me?
Wilhelm : Would that I were, sir. And, I'll thank you not to refer to my designs as "vulgar", Mr. Lely.
Durward Lely : Mr. Wilhelm, to my eyes, your designs are not only vulgar, but obscene!
Wilhelm : How DARE you, sir?
Gilbert : Strong words, Lely - what the deuce do you mean?
Durward Lely : Mr. Gilbert, I am a respectably married man and I love my wife dearly. Now, one of the few pleasures that she has enjoyed since the untimely demise of my beloved mother-in-law is to watch me perform upon the stage. But, I am not prepared to allow her to suffer the embarrassment of seeing me flaunted before the public like a half-dressed, performing dog!
Gilbert : You have my sympathies, Lely. Unfortunately, your avocation as an actor compels you, on occasion, to endure the most ignominious indignities, to which Grossmith will doubtless testify.
George Grossmith : Without question, sir.
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Wilhelm : Will you remove your corset.
Durward Lely : I beg your pardon?
Wilhelm : Kindly remove your corset, Mr. Lely, it will spoil the hang of the cloth.
Durward Lely : Mr. Gilbert, I never perform without my corset!
Gilbert : What, never?
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[in a Japanese tea house]
Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) : My goodness! It's perfectly green.
Gilbert : Spinach water.
Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) : Oh, Willie.
Gilbert : Thank you very much.
Miss 'Sixpence Please' : Shickerspen, preas.
Gilbert : I beg your pardon?
Miss 'Sixpence Please' : Shickerspen, preas.
Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) : Oh, she speaks English.
Gilbert : What did she say?
Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) : She said, "Sixpence, please."
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Gilbert : You, do?
[referring to the chorus members belief that the Mikado song should not have been cut]
Mr. Price : Yes, sir, we do so.
Female Chorus Member : Yes, especially after all our extremely hard work and of course, Mr. Temple's.
Gilbert : I'm very sorry for you, but as we all know, it's an unjust world.
Male Chorus Member : We all feel it would have been a great benefit to the opera.
Female Chorus Member : And it's fair for it to be left to the audience to decide.
Gilbert : Is this the considered opinion of you all?
Chorus Members : It is, sir.
Mr. Kent : I am not a party to this, Mr. Gilbert.
Gilbert : Ah, Mr. Kent, as ever the sole voice of reason!
Gilbert : [to Temple, who has unexpectedly come upon the meeting of Gilbert and the chorus members] Mr. Temple, what do you make of this occurrence?
Richard Temple : I do beg your pardon Mr. Gilbert, but I have absolutely no idea of what is taking place.
Gilbert : There has been a request that your song be reinstated.
Richard Temple : Ah.
[pause]
Richard Temple : Ah.
Gilbert : A most forceful request, I have to say.
[George Grossmith also comes unexpectedly upon the crowd]
George Grossmith : [to the crowd members] Afternoon, afternoon, please give way.
[seeing Gilbert]
George Grossmith : Ah! Beg pardon, sir.
Gilbert : This is surprising, indeed, ladies and gentlemen, somewhat overwhelming.
Gilbert : [to Temple] Temple, would you be prepared to sing this song at this evening's performance?
Richard Temple : Yes, sir, I would.
Gilbert : [after long hesitation] Then please be so good as to do so.
[Chorus members laugh, cheer and applaud]
Gilbert : Rehearsals will commence in five minutes!
Male Chorus Member : Congratulations, Temple!
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Gilbert : [giving notes to the cast after a dress rehearsal] Ko-ko's entrance: Mr. Kent and Mr. Conyngham. Please ensure that you do not flinch at Mr. Grossmith's sword. You must have confidence that he is not about to chop off your heads, even if it may appear that that is your inevitable fate.
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Gilbert : Barker, what are you doing? Do you propose to join in?
Richard Barker : My dancing days are long over, Mr. Gilbert.
Gilbert : Over, Barker, but not forgotten.
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[Gilbert brings a samurai sword home from the Japanese exhibition]
Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman : It's a fine-looking instrument, sir. Now would that be Spanish or Italian?
Gilbert : Neither, Pidgeon.
Pidgeon, Gilbert's Houseman : Of course, sir.
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Gilbert : Now, Miss "Sixpence, Please" - what you have just witnessed is not even remotely Japanese, am I right?
[Miss "Sixpence, Please" is silent]
Gilbert : [to the Japanese man] Sir - Japanese.
Japanese Man : Japanese.
Gilbert : No.
Japanese Man : No.
Gilbert : Thank you very much...
John D'Auban, Choregrapher : Excuse me, Mr. Gilbert sir, if I may?
[to the Japanese man]
John D'Auban, Choregrapher : Japanese.
Japanese Man : Japanese.
John D'Auban, Choregrapher : Yes.
Japanese Man : Yes.
John D'Auban, Choregrapher : [to Gilbert] See, he hasn't got the faintest idea what you're talkin' about.
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Gilbert : [indignantly] "Sullivan & Gilbert"? Who are they?
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Gilbert : Thus. The traditional Japanese posture adopted by well-meaning, but misguided, underlings upon the departure of their august superiors.
George Grossmith : Would that be a recognised Japanese attitude, sir?
Gilbert : Not as yet, Grossmith, but I have every confidence that it shall become one.
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[Barker phones Gilbert with the returns from the previous evening, speaking in code]
Richard Barker : U, U, plus 10 shillings and sixpence!
Gilbert : Can you repeat that, please?
Richard Barker : Yes: U, U!
Gilbert : So that's U for udder, U for udder, plus ten shillings and sixpence!
Richard Barker : Yes!
Gilbert : So you have two udders, Barker?
Richard Barker : Uh, yes!
Gilbert : I always suspected as much!
Richard Barker : [laughs]
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Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid : I've made you some beef tea, Mr. Gilbert.
Gilbert : Take it away.
Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid : You've not had anything since yesterday afternoon, sir.
Gilbert : Take it away.
Mrs. Judd, Gilbert's Maid : You can't work on an empty stomach.
Gilbert : I can't work at all, Mrs. Judd, if I'm being constantly pestered by interfering women with hot beef tea, cold compresses, mustard poultices, and excessive attacks of philanthropic zeal.
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Gilbert : I have other things on my mind, you know that.
Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) : Yes, I do know that, Willie, and I understand, but a little distraction will do you good.
Gilbert : Kitty, I don't want to be distracted.
Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) : Yes, you do.
Gilbert : Oh, do I? You know my mind better than I do, do you?
Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) : I know you better than you think I do, Willie.
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Gilbert : You have my sympathies, Lely. But unfortunately your avocation as an actor compels you on occasion to endure the most ignominious indignities, as Grossmith will doubtless testify.
George Grossmith : Without question, sir.
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Gilbert : They walked downstage in the Japanese manner.
John D'Auban, Choregrapher : They walked downstage in the Japanese manner because they are Japanese.
Gilbert : Exactly, and that is precisely why they are here.
John D'Auban, Choregrapher : Our three little maids are not Japanese. However, they are very funny.
Gilbert : No funnier, however, than they would be if they all sat down on pork pies.
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[Seymour, the stage manager, fills in Lely's part during a rehearsal]
Mr. Seymour, Production Manager : [reading from the script, over-acting] Oh, but it's too late! I'm a dead man, and I'm off for my honeymoon.
[Barrington falls about laughing]
George Grossmith : Uncanny, is it not?
Gilbert : Mr. Seymour, please inform Mr. Lely that his services will no longer be required.
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Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) : I should rather like to be an actor, upon the stage.
Gilbert : An actor?
Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) : Yes. Wouldn't it be wondrous if perfectly commonplace people gave each other a round of applause at the end of the day?
[she claps enthusiastically]
Lucy Gilbert (Kitty) : Well done, Kitty! Well done!
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George Grossmith : [In rehearsals as Koko, and pronouncing a word wrongly] Is this a time for airy persiflidge?
Gilbert : *Persiflage*, Grossmith.
George Grossmith : Is it?
Gilbert : It is.
George Grossmith : Is this a time for airy persiflage? Doesn't sound right to me.
Gilbert : Persiflage, mirage, fromage.
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Rutland Barrington : [rehearsing a line] Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to a bald and unconvincing narrative.
Gilbert : No, Barrington. "An *otherwise* bald and unconvincing narrative."
Rutland Barrington : [faltering] Was that incorrect? I-I do beg your pardon.
Gilbert : On the contrary, it has only just occurred to me.
Rutland Barrington : Ah. To an *otherwise* bald and unconvincing narrative.
Gilbert : Much better.
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Mr. Price : Hello, Mr. Gilbert.
[addressing Gilbert as he is leaving the theater at the head of the members of the opera chorus]
Gilbert : Good Afternoon, Price.
Mr. Price : Mr. Gilbert, might you spare us a moment of your time, please?
Gilbert : Of course, that's why we're here. We have to rehearse.
Mr. Price : Please, Mr. Gilbert...
Gilbert : [irritated] Yes, Price, what is it?
Mr. Price : [hesitating] We-uh...
Gilbert : Hmm?
Mr. Price : The ladies and gentlemen of the chorus...
Gilbert : [patiently] Yes?
Mr. Price : Concerning Mr. Temple's song, sir.
Gilbert : Ah! The Mikado's song!
Mr. Price : Yes, sir.
Gilbert : Well, what of that mercifully released aberration?
Mr. Price : We all consider it a very fine song, sir.
Male Chorus Member : Indeed, we do!
Gilbert : Gratifying, I'm sure, but that must be a matter of opinion, mustn't it, Price?
Mr. Price : Well, yes, Mr. Gilbert, but we believe it a great loss.
Male Chorus Member : Terrible!
