- Kit: White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar.
- Robert K. Bowfinger: We are finished! We are over!
- Daisy: How come?
- Robert K. Bowfinger: You had sex with Jiff.
- Daisy: So?
- Robert K. Bowfinger: I never thought of it that way.
- Daisy: I'll see you tonight?
- Robert K. Bowfinger: What time?
- [on filming an actor without his giving permission to be filmed]
- Robert K. Bowfinger: Did you know Tom Cruise had no idea he was in that vampire movie till two years later?
- Dave: But movies cost millions of dollars to make.
- Robert K. Bowfinger: That's after gross net deduction profit percentage deferment ten percent of the nut. Cash, every movie cost $2,184.
- Robert K. Bowfinger: Do you have any experience in motion pictures?
- Jiff Ramsey: Uh, well, yeah, quite a bit, actually, I have quite a bit of experience. I'm an active, uh, renter at Blockbuster, and I, um, attend the filmed cinema, uh, as much as possible, weekly, bi-weekly, inter-week-... intermediately.
- Robert K. Bowfinger: Would you be willing to cut your hair?
- Jiff Ramsey: [sighs] Oh, yes, but, uh, it's usually better if someone else does it. I've had a few... accidents.
- Robert K. Bowfinger: ...but what are some of your favorite TV shows?
- Daisy: I love the Flintstones.
- Robert K. Bowfinger: Oh I love the Flintstones too, that's so good, do you like that? Now, okay, do you like walks in the park?
- Daisy: In the rain!
- Robert K. Bowfinger: Oh God, you know what, I want you to see the Music Man, because...
- Daisy: I've seen that! I love the Music Man!
- Robert K. Bowfinger: Isn't Robert Preston good?
- Daisy: He's so good! Do you LOVE Smashing Pumpkins?
- Robert K. Bowfinger: Are you kid - I LOVE to do that!
- [Bowfinger shows Stricter the footage of Kit exposing himself to the Laker Girls]
- Terry Stricter: You realize there's not a court in the country that wouldn't consider this blackmail.
- Robert K. Bowfinger: You know what? I don't know anything about blackmail... 'cause I'm just a guy, a guy with a great film in the can. All I really need is a shot of Kit saying, "Gotcha, suckas" and a couple of close-ups. Or we've to tag our film with a shot of Kit wagging his thing at the Laker Girls. Which is a great ending. I mean, who wouldn't wanna see that? Although technically, it's not such a good ending for Kit... because it could sort of stop his money flow... and possibly make that family film he's about to do, just pff-ff!
- Terry Stricter: We'll have to think about it.
- [beat]
- Terry Stricter: I mean, we'll have to think about it... for Kit.
- [Bowfinger muses, acts like he's checking his watch]
- Robert K. Bowfinger: Now that you and your colleagues here at Mindfu-- head have had a chance to think, what do you say?
- Kit: [looking around] Hey! Freddy?
- Slater: You heard me Kincade, don't act dumb! Where's the plutonium?
- Kit: Hey, the plutonium is mine, its been registered for religious purposes!
- Slater: [confused] You, you actually have some plutonium?
- Robert K. Bowfinger: [listening] He's got *plutonium*?
- [Interviewing Jiff for the movie]
- Robert K. Bowfinger: Would you be willing to cut your hair?
- Jiff Ramsey: Well, yeah, but it would probably be better if someone else did it. I've had a few... accidents.
- Carol: I know that I'm not supposed to be doing this, but I just want you to know that you were so real in your response to the aliens. I mean, I wasn't even sure that I could be a pod person, but now, of course, I'm enjoying it, because you made the aliens come alive. It was like they were living inside of me! Oh, and at first I was nervous about us having sex, but now I think it's a good idea, as long as we do it in a completely professional manner... and of course, you know there will be a lot of people watching. I won't bother you anymore.
- Kit's Agent: This is a great script! Look, it's not Shakespeare, but it...
- Kit: Hey, what did you just say?
- Agent: I said, 'it's not Shakespeare'...
- Kit: 'It's not Shake... ', 'It's not Shake... ' (to Freddy) Do you hear what he's doing?
- Freddy: I know he's doing something, I just can't put my finger on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah... What's he doing?
- Kit: Shakespeare, Freddy, Shakespeare!
- Freddy: Shakespeare?
- Kit: Shake a spear! Spearchucker! I'm a spearchucker now!
- Robert K. Bowfinger: Think of this as an errand. Your errand is to run across the freeway until I yell, "Cut!"
- Robert K. Bowfinger: And why is this going to work? Because Afrim here is a damn fine screenwriter, as well as accountant and part time receptionist. I said to Afrim "If you can write half as well as you can add-" Well I didn't even have to finish my sentence. Twelve days later he hands me this, this masterpiece. Afrim, tell them what it's called.
- Afrim: Chubby Rain.
- Robert K. Bowfinger: Tell them why!
- Afrim: Because when the aliens come down to earth, they come inside raindrops, making the rain chubby. Chubby rain!
- [after seeing Dave's camera which he borrowed without permission]
- Robert K. Bowfinger: Good camera.
- Dave: Yeah. I gotta have it back in every night, or it's a felony. Years you get.
- Robert K. Bowfinger: [pats Dave on the shoulder] You'd get.
- Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: Happy premise #1.
- Kit: Happy premise #1: There are no aliens.
- Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: Happy premise #2.
- Kit: Happy premise #2: There is no giant foot trying to squash me.
- Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: Happy premise #3.
- Kit: Happy premise #3: Even though I feel like I might ignite, I probably won't.
- Kit: Go call Arnold and Sly, and Jackie Chan and Van Damme, and tell them the spearchucker said hello!
- Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: And what is it that we don't do?
- Kit: Oh, man!
- Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: What is it?
- Kit: Look, I have to show it to the Laker Girls.
- Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: You cannot show it to the Laker Girls. I know you want to show it to the Laker Girls but you can never show it to the Laker Girls. Keep Mr Weenie in the pants. Always in the pants.
- Robert K. Bowfinger: [of a prolonged kissing scene audition] Let's try it one more time, uh, Slater, this time *without* the erection.
- Robert K. Bowfinger: This film is only for Madagascar and Iran, neither of which follow American copyright law.
- Robert K. Bowfinger: I'm 49 years old. Admittedly, I could get away with 44, 41, *maybe* 38. But when you hit 50 they don't hire you anymore. It's like they can *smell* 50.
- Jiff Ramsey: Oh, gosh, I'm really hoping to get a career running errands. That'd be a major boost for me.
- Robert K. Bowfinger: I worry about our age difference.
- Daisy: Yeah, but whose business is it really if when I hit my sexual peak you'll be 70?
- Robert K. Bowfinger: Yeah.
- Robert K. Bowfinger: See that FedEx truck? Every day it delivers important papers to people all over the world. And one day, it is going to stop here, and a man is going to walk up and casually toss a couple of FedExes on my desk. And at that moment, we - and by we, I mean me - will be important.
- [first lines]
- Robert K. Bowfinger: Wow. Great script. Great script!
- [to his dog]
- Robert K. Bowfinger: Betsy? It's now or never. We are gonna make a movie.
- [on the ending of the script Chubby Rain]
- Robert K. Bowfinger: I mean, at the end of this movie. When our hero, Keith Kincade, looks up at the alien anteanae and says "Gotcha suckas!"... I mean, that is a moment.
- Bowfinger: It's all good. It's all good. It's a - this script is butta!
- Kit Ramsey: What?
- Bowfinger: Butta! Butta! This stuff is butta. It's a - it's a - it's a - it's - it's - it's all good! It's a jiggy baby. It's a...
- Kit Ramsey: Wait. Wait. Hold. Hold. Now, how you know it's all good and jiggy baby?
- Bowfinger: Vixen in stretch pants. "What man wouldn't want a hot virgin?" Okay, you'll do this?
- Daisy: Well, if I have to. If it's for the movie and you really, really want me to and if it's not just about nudity; but, if its artistic and it it says something about reality and if its in character and if its for the scene and if its not just a body that...
- Bowfinger: Right, right, right, right, right, right... .
- [Bowfinger has snuck his way onto Kit's property and approaches him with the script for "Chubby Rain"]
- Kit: Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?
- Robert K. Bowfinger: They just buzzed me in. Script delivery from Paramount.
- Kit: I ain't expectin' no script from Paramount.
- Robert K. Bowfinger: I mean... Universal?
- Kit: [beat] Maybe so. Come on.
- Kit Ramsey: Damn! You're supposed to be the agent! Huh? I tell you what, you better find me a line as good as the time I told Tommy Lee Jones, "Fuck ya'll!" and blew his brains out.
- Bowfinger: Today, I have a very important meeting with Jerry Renfro. If it goes the way I think its going to go, I will see you - at the Oscars.
- Freddy: Hey, yo, Kit, you know what's happenin' here? This is just another example of the white man takin' all the best catch phrases and then givin' 'em to Arnold or Stallone.
- Kit Ramsey: Exactly. Exactly! Exactly! And Jackie Chan and Van Damme and them can't even speak English good!
- Daisy: I love our scenes. Our scenes are the best! But, I should have more scenes with Kit. If I had more scenes with Kit, then that would really - pump up our scenes.
- Terry Stricter: Kit, do you think you can keep it together?
- Kit Ramsey: Yes, I can keep it together. I'm keepin' it together. I'm K-I-T, Kit. Keep it together. I'm keepin' it together, right now! keepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogether. Keepittogher. I'm keepin' it together. Don't I look together?
- Kit Ramsey: I'm telling you, strange people are coming up to me on the street and they speakin' in Jupitarian or Venutian or somethin'.
- Terry Stricter: Okay, now. Strangers come up to you and you don't understand what they're saying.
- Kit Ramsey: What is that?
- Terry Stricter: Maybe they're fans? Crazy fans?
- Kit Ramsey: They and they talk to me. Only they speak to me in some secret, white language that I can't decode! It's horrifying!
- Bowfinger: This is one of the *hot* scenes that's about heat and - and - and - chemistry.
- Jiff Ramsey: Oh, it must be the artistic portion of the film.
- Bowfinger: That's right. So, so give her a little room, react normally, be sensitive above all; because, in this scene, Daisy's going to take off her blouse.