Dr. Ben Sobel:
What is my goal here, to make you a happy, well-adjusted gangster?
Boss Paul Vitti:
You're turning me down?
Dr. Ben Sobel:
When I got into family therapy, this was not the "family" I had in mind.
Boss Paul Vitti:
You, with your schmucky little office in your schmucky little home, you're turning *me* down? For what, so you can go back and listen to housewives piss and moan about how nobody fucks 'em right anymore?
Jelly:
I'm gonna get a bite to eat. You wanna sandwich or somethin'?
Guard:
What kind of sandwich ain't too fattening?
Jelly:
A half a sandwich.
[
afterreceiving a lavish gift from Vitti]
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Call the Vatican. See if something is missing.
Boss Paul Vitti:
[
to Dr. Sobel] If I talk to you, and you turn me into a fag... im gonna kill you , you understand?
Boss Paul Vitti:
Hey, I got news for you, you little two-bit prick, son-of-a-bitch, rat-bastard you did nothing for me! Whatever you did the other day didn't take! I'm still fucked up! You did fucking NOTHING for me!
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Hey, what do you expect? I saw you for five minutes! I can't work miracles, Mr. Viti! And let me tell you something, I do not appreciate it when someone sneaks into my hotel room and kidnaps me in the middle of the night. I have a life, Mr. Viti, I have a family, and I have a serious practice, and I don't have time for your BULLSHIT!... That got away from me at the end there.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
What happened with your wife last night?
Boss Paul Vitti:
I wasn't with my wife, I was with my girlfriend.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Are you having marriage problems?
Boss Paul Vitti:
No.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Then why do you have a girlfriend?
Boss Paul Vitti:
What, are you gonna start moralizing on me?
Dr. Ben Sobel:
No, I'm not, I'm just trying to understand, why do you have a girlfriend?
Boss Paul Vitti:
I do things with her I can't do with my wife.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Why can't you do them with your wife?
Boss Paul Vitti:
Hey, that's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Oedipus was a Greek king who killed his father and married his mother.
Boss Paul Vitti:
Fuckin' Greeks.
Dominic:
Times are changing. You've got to change with the times.
Boss Paul Vitti:
What, am I supposed to get a fuckin' website?
Boss Paul Vitti:
You know me?
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Yes.
Boss Paul Vitti:
No you don't.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Okay.
Boss Paul Vitti:
You see my picture in the paper?
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Yes.
Boss Paul Vitti:
No you didn't.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
I don't even get the paper.
Boss Paul Vitti:
I wasn't really gonna whack you.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Paul...
Boss Paul Vitti:
Okay, I was gonna whack you. But I was real conflicted about it.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Let me get this straight: you flew all the way down to Miami and kidnapped me from my hotel room in the middle of the night just because you couldn't get an erection?
Boss Paul Vitti:
Don't that prove I'm motivated?
Dr. Ben Sobel:
You know, you can take a pill for that.
Boss Paul Vitti:
Nah, you start with the pills, the next thing you know you're putting in hydraulics. A hard-on should be achieved legitimately or it shouldn't be achieved at all.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Hmm, I think Mark Twain said that, didn't he?
Primo:
I'd like to see a movie, but it's nothing but this shoot-em-up action bullshit. I get enough of that at work.
Michael Sobel:
Was that really Paul Vitti?
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Well, I didn't ask to see his Mafia decoder ring, but yes.
Jimmy:
You think those whales piss in that water?
Jelly:
No, I think they use the men's room next to the Burger King.
[
Preparing to kill him]
Jelly:
Sorry, Doc. Nothing personal.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Don't kid yourself, Jelly, it doesn't get more personal.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
They threw me in the shark tank, Paul! The shark tank!
Boss Paul Vitti:
Hey, they were trying to make a point.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
What, that you're a scary guy? Believe me, I get it.
Boss Paul Vitti:
[
telling Ben about a dream after Jelly promises not to listen] My wife wakes me up, it's the middle of the night, the baby's crying. I go to the refrigerator to get a bottle of milk, and the milk is black.
Jelly:
That's fuckin' weird.
Michael Sobel:
Dad has a patient who thinks he shits trout.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Doc, if you gotta talk, try to be vague. Can you do that?
Dr. Ben Sobel:
I'm a psychiatrist. Believe me, I can be vague.
Boss Paul Vitti:
I can feel the juices rushing back to my balls as we speak.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Well, that's something I never thought I'd hear another man say to me.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Paul, you have to channel all this nice grief into a murderous rage.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
You don't hear the word "no" a lot, do you?
Boss Paul Vitti:
Well, I hear it all the time, only it's more like "no, please, no!"
Boss Paul Vitti:
I was Fredo? I don't think so.
Boss Paul Vitti:
[
to the "Captain"] Hey, why don't you look over that way before I bust you in your fuckin' head.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
I am redefining weird on an hourly basis.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
You know normally a patient wouldn't have a vat of Scotch during a session.
Primo:
Get a dictionary. Find out what this "closure" thing is. If that's what he's going to hit us with, I want to be ready.
Boss Paul Vitti:
Whoever did that thing to you-know-who, that good friend of mine, well they're trying to do that to me now. And I'm having a lot of feelings about that. And I'm trying to get some closure on that.
Primo:
What kind of feelings?
Boss Paul Vitti:
I'm very angry. I'm feeling very angry about that. I'm enraged. I'm feeling very, very mad about that.
Primo:
So why are you telling me?
Boss Paul Vitti:
Why am i telling you? Like you don't know nothing about it? You don't know nothing? What?
Primo:
I don't know what your talking about.
Boss Paul Vitti:
I'm just trying to, tell you about my feelings and that I'm angry, and that anger is a blocked wish. And I'm looking forward to seeing you next week at that thing. Then i can unblock that angered wish and then hopefully, hopefully you make one more move on me you motherfucker ill fucking cut your fucking balls off ill shove them up your fucking ass, ill fucking bury you, ill put ice picks in your eyes, ill chop your fucking eyeballs, ill send them to your fucking family so they can eat them for dessert. You understand me?
Primo:
Hey Paul
Boss Paul Vitti:
What?
Primo:
Fuck you
Boss Paul Vitti:
You Motherfucker!
Primo:
[
to Moony] You get a dictionary and find out what this "closure" is. If that's what hes going to hit us with, i want to know what it is
Boss Paul Vitti:
[
to Dr. Sobel] How was that?
Dr. Ben Sobel:
It was going great until the, cutting off of the balls and shoving it up his, ass. You know what i do when I'm mad? I hit a pillow. Just hit the pillow. See how you feel
Boss Paul Vitti:
[
pulls out a gun and starts shooting the pillow] There's you fucking pillow.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Feel better?
Boss Paul Vitti:
Yeah, I do
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Good
Dr. Ben Sobel:
You know what I do when I'm angry? I hit a pillow. Just hit the pillow, see how you feel.
[
Vitti pulls out a gun and shoots a pillow]
Boss Paul Vitti:
There's your fuckin' pillow.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Feel better?
Boss Paul Vitti:
Yeah, I do.
[
Impersonating a gangster]
Dr. Ben Sobel:
My name is Ben Sobel... -lioni. Ben Sobellioni. I'm also known as, uh, Benny the Groin, Sammy the Schnazz, Elmer the Fudd, Tubby the Tuba, and once as Miss Phyllis Levine.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
You broke my heart, Jelly, you broke my heart.
Boss Paul Vitti:
I couldn't get it up last night.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
You mean sexually?
Boss Paul Vitti:
No, I mean for the big game against Michigan State. Of course sexually! What the fuck's the matter with you?
Boss Paul Vitti:
Fuck Freud.
[
Ben Sobel is in a bathroom stall of Paul Vitti's favorite restaurant trying to remove an FBI wire from his chest with Jelly standing outside. He hears Ben grunting and swearing]
Jelly:
You should get more roughage in your diet, Doc. A bran muffin in the morning would help that...
[
Ben rushes up to Paul's room after Jelly throws a hit man off the balcony onto the wedding party]
Boss Paul Vitti:
Hey, people get depressed, they jump. But that ain't my fault.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Oh, so you're telling me it was suicide?
Boss Paul Vitti:
I don't know, he probably left a note. Jelly, did they find that note?
Jelly:
[
taking out a pen] Uh no, but they will in a minute.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Oh, and let me guess what it says? "Life is bullshit, I can't fucking take it no more! Signed, the Dead Guy."
Jelly:
Hey, that's good, Doc.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
This is impossible. This is you: "Doc, I'm in pain, you gotta help me." "Okay, Paul, I'll help you." "Fuck you! Nobody helps Paul Viti!"
[
Paul is anxious about his impotence]
Dr. Ben Sobel:
I have to say, not being able to perform three or four times...
Boss Paul Vitti:
Eight times.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
...eight times, is not catastrophic.
Boss Paul Vitti:
Well, maybe not to you, look at you. But if I can't get it up, that makes me less of a man, and I can't have that. In my world I deal with animals, Doctor. They may seem dumb to an educated guy like you, but make no mistake, Doctor, animals are very cunning, and they sense weakness.
Boss Paul Vitti:
[
narrating] 1957 was a big year. The Russians put that Sputnik into outer space, the Dodgers played their last game at Ebbets Field to say goodbye to Brooklyn, that guy shot Frank Costello in the head, and missed, and the Gallo brothers whacked Albert Anastasia in the barber shop of the Sheraton View hotel. It was total chaos. With Anastasia out of the way, Vito Genovese figures he's the big boss. But Carlo Gambino and Joe Bananas, they had other ideas. So they called a meeting. A big meeting.
[
when two hit men attack Paul and Ben in a junkyard, Ben grabs Paul's gun and blindly shoots back - he straightens up and sees two dead men]
Dr. Ben Sobel:
J-Jelly? Did I do that?
Jelly:
No, Doc. That one's mine. You got the '72 Chevy, and the Amana side-by-side refrigerator-freezer.
Caroline:
[
complaining about her ex-boyfriend] What do you think I should do?
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Well, what I think you should do... is stop whining about this pathetic loser.
[
Sobel stands up]
Dr. Ben Sobel:
You are a tragedy queen! "Oh, Steve doesn't like me!" "Steve doesn't respect me!" Oh, who gives a shit? GET A FUCKIN' LIFE!
Caroline:
Dr Sobel?
[
Sobel, back in his chair, snaps out of a daze]
[
Vitti is trying to forgive Primo for attempting to whack him]
Boss Paul Vitti:
And hopefully, hopefully... if you make one more move on me, you motherfucker, I'll fuckin' cut your fuckin' balls off and shove 'em up your fuckin' ass. I'll fuckin' bury you! I'm gonna stick ice picks in your eyes and send 'em to your family so they can eat them for dessert!
Primo:
Hey, Paul.
Boss Paul Vitti:
What?
Primo:
Fuck you.
Boss Paul Vitti:
[
throws down phone] That motherfucker!
Boss Paul Vitti:
That's very good, here's you
[
imitates Ben]
Boss Paul Vitti:
"Oh, thats interesting. How does that *feel* to you? Anger is a blocked wish. Boo fuckin' hoo hoo."
Dr. Ben Sobel:
That's it! Over! I'm no longer your doctor!
Boss Paul Vitti:
What? 'Cause of this?
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Because of this little DOUBLE HOMICIDE? YES!
FBI Agent Steadman:
Dr. Sobel, Mam. I'm Agent Steadman, Agent Ricci, Agent Provano, Federal Bureau Of Investigation, OCD.
Dr. Ben Sobel:
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?
FBI Agent Ricci:
Organized Crime Division. We need to talk.
Scott MacNamara:
You're Paul Vitti. The Mobster
Boss Paul Vitti:
Now is that polite? Is that nice? I'm tryin' to be nice over here. Do I go up to you and say, "Hey, you're so-and-so, the Hard-On?"
Related Links
*
