Love! Valour! Compassion! (1997)

Jason Alexander: Buzz Hauser

Photos 

Quotes 

• Buzz Hauser : I am sick to death of straight people. Tell the truth, aren't you? There's just too goddamn many of them. I was in a bank the other day; they were everywhere - writing checks, making deposits. Two of them were applying for a mortgage. It's disgusting! They're taking over. No one wants to talk about it, but it's true.

• Buzz : I don't date dancers. It's very simple, I've made it a rule: Dancers don't want to date me, so... fuck 'em!

• Buzz : Just once I'd like to see a "West Side Story" where everybody gets it; the Jets and the Sharks, and Officer Krupke; or a "Sound of Music" where the entire Von Trapp family dies in a horrible alpine avalanche; or "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" where nothing happens, and it's not funny.

• Buzz Hauser : I have terrible news! THE FANTASTICKS is closing!

• Buzz : Well, this tea is not doing it for me...

  [looking at James] 

  Buzz : would you like real real drink? I know where they hide the hard liquor.

  James : [thinking]  An ice cold martini, very dry.

  Buzz : Is that going to be good for you?

  James : ...Absolutely terrible.

• Ramon Fornos : Fuck you, John.

  Buzz : That's right, sweetheart, you tell 'im- fuck you, John!

  John Jeckyll : Americans use that expression entirely too often.

  All but John : Fuck you, John!

  John Jeckyll : In England we think it nearly as often as you do, but you don't actually say it to someone's face- it would be too rude.

  All but John : Fuuuuuck you.

  John Jeckyll : What do you mean when you tell another person 'fuck you?'

  Ramon Fornos : Fuck you! And don't you ever call me 'chiquita' again!

  Buzz : This is good.

  John Jeckyll : I think it means several things- mixed signals, I believe they call them in theraputic circles. 'I hate you, get out of my life.' At least 'I hate you, get out of my life for the moment.' 'I love you, but you don't love me.' 'I want to make you feel small and insignificant, the way you've made me feel.' 'I want to make you feel every terrible thing my life right up until this moment has made me feel.'

  Ramon Fornos : I said fuck you!

  John Jeckyll : Well I say fuck you right back. With every last fiber of my fading British being- every last ounce of my tobacco'd English breath. Fuck you Ramon. Fuck all of you.

  [stunned silence] 

  John Jeckyll : Well... I think I've said my piece.

• Arthur : What room are you in?

  Buzz : The little horror under the eaves. I call it "The Patty Hearst Memorial Closet"

  [shrinking into chair in fear and dread]