Good Burger (1997)

Kenan Thompson: Dexter Reed

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Dexter : I don't even remember what my dad looks like.

  Ed : I don't remember what my dad looks like either, but at least I get to see him everyday.

• Dexter : Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

  Ed : Ever been to Australia?

  Dexter : No.

  Ed : Me neither.

• Kurt : From now on, your LIFE is Mondo Burger! You can forget about your friends; you can forget about your family... because Kurt is now both your mother AND your father.

  Dexter : [under his breath to a girl beside him]  Kurt must look awfully strange naked.

• Otis : I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce.

  Dexter : Shark poison!

  Ed : Why would they want to harm those innocent sharks?

• Dexter : Hey, man, about the contract, why don't we just forget about it?

  [Rips contract in half] 

  Ed : You don't wanna be partners?

  Dexter : No, see...

  Ed : [Interrupts]  Is it because I'm black?

• Dexter : Check it, Ed, it's the Mondo Idiot!

  Ed : Oh, nice to meet you, Mondo Idiot, I'm Ed.

  Kurt : Well, Ed, you better watch your butt man!

  Ed : Okay.

  [Tries and ends up spinning around and around] 

  Ed : I give up. There's no way a guy can watch his own butt.

• Dexter : Ed, I don't know how to say this...

  Ed : Oh, well, you just go, "Thiiiissssssssssss."

• Kurt : You mess with Kurt, and you go in the grinder.

  Dexter : Okay, now this "grinder" of yours. Is it a real grinder or is it just some kind of metaphor?

• [Ed dumped Trilampathol into the meat supply, causing Mondo Burger to be destroyed] 

  Ed : I thought that if I took the can, there was a good chance that I'd get caught, but even if I did get the Trilampathol to the proper authorities, Kurt would hire some powerful attornies who would dispute any charges brought against him or Mondo Burger by manipulating the legal system and the way America's court system is congested these days, it would take months to convict him of anything. So I thought I'd take matters into my own hands and dump the Trilampathol into the meat supply, making Mondo Burger a victim of its own foul play.

  Dexter : You thought all that?

  Ed : Yeah. I'm not stupid.

• Ed : What's wrong? Were you bitten by a sheep?

  Dexter : What?

  Ed : Did you lose your trousers?

  [looks down at Dexter's legs] 

  Dexter : No! Look, you are an unusually bad guesser, so I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you why I'm upset. I gotta come up with $1900 to fix some jerk's car, another $800 to fix my mother's car, and I just got fired. Man! I can't believe Kurt fired me from Mondo Burger... and he yelled at me... and he assaulted me... and he made fun of me...

  Ed : [after a long pause]  Boy... you must really suck!

• Dexter : I could've sworn I've seen you somewhere before.

  Ed : Maybe I'm someone famous like a baseball player or a pretty nurse.

  Dexter : What? What are you talking about?

  Ed : Okay, I give up. Who am I?

  Dexter : I don't know *who* you are or *where* I've seen you before or *why* you think you're an attractive nurse.

• Dexter : So, Monique, what're you gonna do tonight after you lock up?

  Monique : I thought I'd go home.

  Dexter : Home? Why?

  Monique : Well... that's where my stuff is.

• Ed : [with 2 grapes up his nose]  Look! I'm Grape Nose Boy! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity

  Dexter : Stop that.

  Ed : Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity

  Dexter : Would you stop?

  Ed : Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity

  Dexter : That ain't funny!

  [laughs] 

  Ed : Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity... Made ya laugh!

  Dexter : So... Oh, I give up.

• Ed : This is where I come to think... I think.

  Dexter : Funny, I never figured you as much of a thinker.

• Deedee : Ed! There must be 50 customers out there! It's unbelievable! What do you put in that sauce?

  Ed : Well, you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup...

  [Dexter tackles him to the ground] 

  Ed : Um, look Dexter, I like you as a friend and all but...

  Dexter : No! Listen to me carefully.

  Ed : Okay.

  Dexter : Do not tell anyone the recipe to your sauce.

  Ed : Oh, well first you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup...

  Dexter : *Stop It*! Stop talking. *Never* tell anyone the ingredients of your *sauce*.

• Ed : [to Kurt being taken to jail]  Hey, just remember, when you mess with Good Burger...

  Ed , Dexter : *You* go in the grinder!

• Dexter : [Ed said something that offended Dexter]  You see, right about now, I'd slap you right across your head, but I don't think your brain would understand the concept of pain.

  Ed : Wanna see my belly button?

• [dressed as a woman] 

  Dexter : Could you kindly point me in the direction of the little girl's room?

• Ed : And that's Otis, he's 77 years old and worked here longer than anyone.

  Otis : I should've died years ago.

  Dexter : Tough break.

• Ed : You got it!

  Dexter : Got what? I'm swinging from a dang pipe!

• Mr. Wheat : I'm worried about you.

  Dexter : I'm worried about you, too. Have you seen yourself lately? The 'fro, the boots and that jacket. You have a nice summer, Shaft.

• Ed : You wanna see my secret place?

  Dexter : That's not what I had in mind.

• Mr. Baily : What was our take today?

  Fizz : 43 dollars and 9 cents.

  Mr. Baily : That's it? Well, I suppose I could always feed my mother cat food.

  Dexter : Now probably wouldn't be the best time to ask for a raise?

  Mr. Baily : No!

• Dexter : There you are, Ed. Um, can I sit here?

  Ed : On my lap?

  Dexter : No, man. I'll just sit down right next to you.

• Dexter : [on the roof of Mondo Burger]  How do you expect me to get up there?

  Ed : Oh, it's easy. You just jump on the burger, jump on the fry, and then you hop on the cup, and then shimmy up the straw.

  Dexter : What is this, American Gladiators?

• Dexter : Okay let's see, $5 an hour, 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, I should be able to pay off the car in... oh, another lifetime!

• Mr. Wheat : [after Dexter hits his car]  Let me see your license.

  Dexter : Uh, yeah, regarding my license... I'd give it to you... but you're gonna have to wait.

  Mr. Wheat : For what?

  Dexter : Uh... about a year... that's when I get one. That's when they put it in my hand.

• Dexter , Ed : [as Kurt's taken away]  Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail jail jail! Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail jail jail!

• Ed : I will never forget you, Dexter Reed, in my head, or in my heart.

  [hugs him] 

  Ed : Goodbye my friend!

  Dexter : Uh, Ed, I'm not going anywhere.

  Ed : [pulls back, nonchalant]  Oh.

• Dexter : I never took you for much of a thinker.

  Ed : Oh yeah, I think about all kinds of stuff: squirrels, cardboard boxes, things that are sticky.

  Dexter : I bet you don't have one real problem, do you?

  Ed : I have six toes on my left foot. What kind of problems do you have, Dexter?

  Dexter : Other than the ones YOU caused? A lot. Most of them started when I was a kid when my parents split up.

• Mr. Wheat : I hate to do this, I hate to put a black man in jail.

  Dexter : Black man in jail? I'm just a kid!

• [Dexter and Mr. Wheat's cars collide] 

  Mr. Wheat : My afro! My afro!

  Dexter : WHY?

  Mr. Wheat : Well, well, Brother Reed. You have messed up my afro.

• Ed : [driving everyone home from a night out, and trying to entertain his unconscious date]  ... Then when I was six, I said my first word. My mom thinks it was "trouser", but I think it was "tweezers". And then, I went to camp and fell down the sand dunes...

  Dexter : [interrupting]  Ed? Ed! She's still unconscious, bro.

  Ed : Oh.

• Ice Cream Man : Hey, what are you doing?

  Otis : Stealing your truck.

  Dexter : Yeah, we'll bring it back.

• Dexter : [while he is being grabbed by Demeted Hills workers]  You think you strong? You'll never be half the man your mamma was.

• Ed : [peering in the kitchen window at Mondo Burger]  What's that stuff they're putting in the burgers?

  Dexter : I don't know... but I'll bet you that's what makes those burgers grow so big.

  Ed : We should get some of that stuff for Good Burger.

  Dexter : No, man! That stuff's got to be illegal.

• Ed : [to a hungry dog]  Here, have a Mondo burger...

  [dog barks at the burger] 

  Ed : What's wrong?

  Dexter : I don't know, he sure does look hungry though.

  Ed : [to the dog]  Here, try a Good Burger.

  [dog eats the burger] 

  Ed : You see! I told you there was something wrong with Mondo Burger!

  Dexter : [about the dog and the Mondo burger]  He's definitely sensing something he doesn't like.

• Kurt : Triampathol is WAY illegal. But I'll tell you what, it sure makes burgers nice and enormo!

  Dexter : Yea, but what happens to all those nice, innocent people when they eat your "enormo" burgers?

  Kurt : Uh-oh. DON'T CARE... ladies!

  [Troy and Griffin rip off Ed and Dexter's old lady disguises and laugh when they see that Ed is wearing a corset underneath his] 

• Otis : [in Demented Hills]  Do I LOOK like I came to visit? What're you doing here?

  Dexter : They kidnapped US, but why'd they bring YOU here?

  Otis : Because I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce!

  Dexter : SHARK POISON?

  Ed : Wow, who'd want to hurt those innocent sharks?

  Dexter : Man will you forget about the sharks? That stuff's going to hurt innocent people!

  Otis : Can you get to a phone?

  Dexter : There's no chance! What time is it?

  Ed : Oh, I'll tell you.

  [stares at his wrist] 

  Otis : It's 6 A.M., and Good Burger opens at 10.

  Dexter : That means we've only got four hours to warn them!

  Otis : But how are we gonna get out of here?

• Dexter : [busted at Mondo Burger disguised as two women, get their disguises ripped off and Dexter's wearing a T-shirt and boxers, Ed's wearing a teddy, Kurt's henchmen laugh]  Yeah yeah, laugh it up, but when those people find out that you've been putting illegal stuff in their food, you're going to jail!

  Kurt : That's why nobody outside of this room is going to find out.

  Dexter : What do you expect us to do, keep our mouths shut?

  Kurt : No, I'LL shut them for you.

  Dexter : Ed, run!

  [Ed runs straight into a wall] 

• Dexter : Ed, what happened?

  Ed : I just tackled this old lady.

  Dexter : Alright! You're the man!

  [they whoop and cheer] 

  Mr. Baily : EXCUSE ME? But will somebody explain WHY this is a GOOD thing?

  Dexter : This is why, Mondo Burger poisoned our sauce.

  Mr. Baily : How could Mondo Burger poison our sauce?

  Dexter : We'll explain it to you later, right now just keep all these people from eating a Good Burger, and call the police. Come on, Ed, we're going back to Mondo Burger.

  Ed : What for?

  Dexter : Evidence!

• Mr. Wheat : Ah, Mr. Reed. Hard at work as usual.

  Dexter : I'm having my lunch.

  Mr. Wheat : Well, I just got my car from the body shop and I've got to admit: It is new. Here's the receipt.

  [gives Dexter the receipt] 

  Dexter : $2500? No. The estimate was only for $1900.

  Mr. Wheat : Well, that's my young brother is why they call it an estimate. Close to, kind of, could be.

  [chuckles] 

  Mr. Wheat : And I'll meet you in about 2 and a half monthy to get me my money. Now you have a good day at work. I'm going to have lunch at Mondo Burger. Home of the big booty burger.

  [leaves] 

• Kurt : Listen, I can explain everything. This is all just a big misunderstand.

  [Siren wails] 

  Kurt : I don't understand. I don't know what happened.

  Dexter : Oh, sure, you do. Why don't you go on ahead and tell your little police friend that you made your big Beefy Burgers all big and beefy by using illegal food additives.

  Police Officer Perkins : Is that true?

  Kurt : No! He's lying! You're lying! You're full of crap!

  Police Officer : Yeah? Well, why don't we just check these out, and we'll see who's lying.

  Police Officer Perkins : I think you better come with us.

  Kurt : Man, you're out of your minds. You're crazy, man! You know who I am? Huh?

  Police Officer Perkins : Yeah, I know, I know.

  [the Police officers placed Kurt Bowell under arrest and put him in the car] 

  Dexter : Bye-bye.

  Ed : Hey, hey, remember: when you mess with Good Burger...

  Dexter , Ed : you go in the grinder!

  [Ed laughing] 

  Dexter : Oh, dog, you enjoy prison now.

• Dexter Reed : [Ed gives him a yo-yo]  What is this?

  Ed : It's a yo-yo. I bought it with the $13 you gave me. It lights up and flickers and everything, just like the one your dad gave you.

  Dexter Reed : Why'd you get this for me?

  Ed : Cause we're buds!

• Ed : [Sits with Dexter during lunch]  Mind if I sit here?

  Dexter Reed : Yes, I do mind.

  Ed : Thanks.

  Dexter Reed : Wh-wh-what are you doing?

  Ed : Eating my lunch.

  Dexter Reed : I told you not to sit here. I don't like you. Can you get that through your head?

  Ed : I can try.

  [Pokes his head with his fries] 

  Ed : Nope.

  Dexter Reed : I'm gonna have to spell this out to you. I don't want to sit by you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to smell you. I don't want hang out with you, I don't even want to use words with the letter U.

• Dexter : If we put this sauce on all the Good Burgers, then everyone will want to eat here! We'll knock Mondo Burger right off the map!

  Ed : WHEE! That's great!

  Mr. Baily : Ed, get in that kitchen and start making sauce!

  Ed : Yippy skippy!

  [stands up] 

  Ed : It shall be done!

  Mr. Baily : [as the employees continue clamoring]  Gimme another French fry! Good Burger's back in business!

• Kurt : Alright, PUNK! The game is over.

  Dexter : No, YOUR game is over, because right now my man Ed is on his way to the police station with a CAN of your illegal Triampathol. Ha!

  Ed : [with said can]  Hey Dex, look what I got!

  Kurt : GET IT! Nice try dudes, but you mess with Kurt, you go in the grinder. Hey... this can's empty. What an idiot! Stole an empty can!

  Dexter : Ed, you stole an empty can?

  Ed : It wasn't empty when I found it!