- François Pignon: [after hanging up the phone] It was your sister.
- Pierre Brochant: I don't have a sister.
- François Pignon: [appears confused] You don't? I said, "Who is this?". She said, "His sister".
- Pierre Brochant: [incredously to himself] He called Marlène!
- François Pignon: She's not your sister?
- Pierre Brochant: Her name is Marlene Hissister!
- François Pignon: How could I know? She said, "Marlene, his sister." It's confusing.
- Christine Brochant: Was he taking you to a dinner party?
- François Pignon: Yes. Did he mention me?
- Christine Brochant: Even if he hadn't, I would have guessed.
- François Pignon: My wife left me.
- Pierre Brochant: She did?
- François Pignon: For a friend of mine.
- Pierre Brochant: Those things happen.
- François Pignon: A guy I knew at the Ministry. Not a bad guy. I invited him home. She fell for him. I don't know why, because he's no genius. You know how many matches in this one?
- Pierre Brochant: What do you mean, no genius?
- François Pignon: The guy she ran off with. What a dumbbell! Come on, say a number.
- Pierre Brochant: Dumber than... I mean, you're pretty smart, so how would he rate against you?
- François Pignon: Sorry to be so blunt, but he's quite the idiot!
- Pierre Brochant: My God!
- François Pignon: So?
- Pierre Brochant: How could she run off with an idiot?
- François Pignon: I agree. He only talks about windsurfing!
- Pierre Brochant: Can I meet him?
- François Pignon: You like windsurfing?
- Pierre Brochant: I love it.
- François Pignon: Then you'll love Benjamin! We call him Dumbo. He's in the phone book. Under Benjamin, not Dumbo.
- [last lines]
- François Pignon: [repeatedly] I'll call her back, everything will work out!
- Pierre Brochant: You idiot! What an idiot!
- Pierre Brochant: So, how are you, Mr. Pignon?
- François Pignon: Very well. Thanks.
- Pierre Brochant: The message on your machine is so witty.
- François Pignon: Really? I wanted it to be original.
- Pierre Brochant: I'm still laughing.
- François Pignon: Everybody comments on it. Friends ask me to record their messages.
- Pierre Brochant: I can see why.
- François Pignon: I could do yours...
- François Pignon: No need.
- François Pignon: It'd take a minute.
- Pierre Brochant: No, it's fine as it is, even if it might be a little conservative for you.
- Pierre Brochant: Good evening, Doctor.
- Christine Brochant: Fix him. He has an important dinner tonight.
- Pierre Brochant: Christine!
- Christine Brochant: An idiot dinner. Each regular has to bring an idiot.
- Pierre Brochant: Christine, please!
- Christine Brochant: The idiots don't know why they've been picked. The fun is making them talk.
- [sarcastic]
- Christine Brochant: Hilarious! Not to me, so I'm leaving. Good night, Doctor.
- Pierre Brochant: [as she leaves] Sorry. I called you to fix my back, not my marriage.
- Sorbier: Can I wash my hands?
- Pierre Brochant: First door on the left.
- Sorbier: In college, we used to invite ugly girls. The ugliest one got a prize.
- Pierre Brochant: Yes, we did that, too. But idiots are funnier.
- Sorbier: But less definite.
- Pierre Brochant: Some idiots are quite obvious. Mine's unmistakable.
- Pierre Brochant: You're coming Wednesday?
- Cordier: No, I'm busy. Are you going?
- Pierre Brochant: Sure. I'm in a bind. I don't have an idiot. I've looked all over. Got one on hand?
- Cordier: No, but I'll think about it. I'm late.
- Pierre Brochant: [Cordier removes a metal ladle from his bag] What's that?
- Cordier: Dad collects them. A beauty, huh? 18th century. He'll love it.
- Pierre Brochant: Your dad collects ladles?
- Cordier: He has over 300 of them. He's retired. Keeps him busy.
- Pierre Brochant: Interesting. Could he discuss his passion in public, tell us the story of ladles?
- Cordier: No, Pierre.
- Pierre Brochant: Does he come to Paris?
- Cordier: No, Pierre, not Dad.
- Pierre Brochant: What? It's a very original hobby.
- Cordier: You want him for your dinner?
- Pierre Brochant: How can you say that? I'd take your dad to an idiot dinner?
- Cordier: Yes.
- Pierre Brochant: You think I'm a bastard, eh?
- Cordier: Yes.
- Pierre Brochant: I was just kidding. But I don't have an idiot yet. I'm panicked.
- Pierre Brochant: I'm delighted to meet you.
- François Pignon: Likewise, Mr. Brochant. Since you called me at the Ministry, I've been walking on air. I thought it was a joke. Did I sound dumb on the phone?
- Pierre Brochant: Yes. I mean, no. You were perfect.
- François Pignon: A big publisher wanting to do a book on my models, inviting me to dinner... you've changed my life, Mr. Brochant.
- Pierre Brochant: The book project isn't quite final yet.
- François Pignon: I brought photos of my finest pieces.
- [showing him]
- François Pignon: The Eiffel Tower.
- Pierre Brochant: Superb.
- François Pignon: Took me eight months.
- Pierre Brochant: It shows. You do them at night?
- François Pignon: And on weekends. Whenever I have time.
- Pierre Brochant: Good evening, Mr. Pignon! Come on in! I can't get up. I twisted my back. We'll have to put off our dinner.
- François Pignon: I'm sorry for you. A sore back is no fun.
- Pierre Brochant: It's silly. What are you doing next Wednesday?
- François Pignon: [thinking] Next Wednesday... . nothing.
- Pierre Brochant: My friend's having another dinner. You're invited.
- François Pignon: How very nice.
- Pierre Brochant: We missed you today. We won't miss you next week.
- Pierre Brochant: My friend Jean Cordier gave me your number. You met him on the train.
- François Pignon: Yes, of course.
- Pierre Brochant: He said a lot about you. I want to meet you.
- François Pignon: To meet me?
- Sorbier: A friend of yours?
- Pierre Brochant: No. My friends are not that dumb. We pick aces. This is big league.
- Sorbier: Where do you find them?
- Pierre Brochant: It's hard. A real manhunt. We have scouts who tip us off.
- Sorbier: [Pierre reacts in pain] Fifth lumbar vertebra!
- Pierre Brochant: Is it serious?
- Sorbier: No, but call off your dinner.
- Pierre Brochant: No!
- Sorbier: Rest your back tonight. I'll stop by tomorrow.
- Pierre Brochant: But, doctor... I have a prime idiot coming! Give me a shot! I don't care! Anything!
- Sorbier: Ice bag and rest, or you'll be out for three weeks.
- Pierre Brochant: I'm jinxed. My phone book, please. Thanks. The telephone. What's his name again? Francois Pignon.
- Sorbier: What does he do?
- Pierre Brochant: He's a tax man.
- Sorbier: Isn't that dangerous? What if he finds out?
- Pierre Brochant: He won't. We're careful. No idiot ever found out.
- François Pignon: [after Pierre's wife leaves a phone message announcing she's leaving him] I really know what you're going through.
- Pierre Brochant: I'd like to be left alone!
- François Pignon: I said that when she left me, and I nearly died of grief alone in my own house. Plus, you've got a bad back.
- Pierre Brochant: She hasn't left me. She's a bit depressed. She'll be back. Now go home, and good night!
- François Pignon: "She'll be back." That's what I said for two years.
- Pierre Brochant: [trying to call Pignon to cancel their dinner] He's out. Holy shit!
- Sorbier: What?
- Pierre Brochant: His message. He tries to be witty. It's pathetic.
- [he redials the number and puts it on speaker phone]
- François Pignon: Francois is out, but don't pout! No need to weep, wait for the beep! Your turn to peep!
- Pierre Brochant: [hanging up] Isn't he something?
- Sorbier: Outstanding, I'd say.
- Christine Brochant: You asked him here?
- Pierre Brochant: To study him before dinner. I hear he's fabulous.
- Christine Brochant: I'll leave you two together. Enjoy!
- Pierre Brochant: Where are you going?
- Christine Brochant: I have a dinner, too. I didn't want to go, but...
- Pierre Brochant: Dinner with whom?
- Christine Brochant: [hearing the doorbell] Is it him? I don't want to meet him.
- Pierre Brochant: No, it's the doctor.
- Christine Brochant: Did you cancel your dinner?
- Pierre Brochant: [putting ice on his back after pulling a muscle] My God, that's cold!
- Christine Brochant: So, did you cancel?
- Pierre Brochant: A sore back needs heat.
- Christine Brochant: Dr. Sorbier said ice.
- Pierre Brochant: You reached him?
- Christine Brochant: In his car. He'll be here soon.
- Pierre Brochant: Great. I need a drink. A splash of scotch.
- Christine Brochant: [going to pour his drink] Did your sore back make you deaf?
- Pierre Brochant: No, I didn't cancel.
- Christine Brochant: You're still going to that sinister dinner?
- Pierre Brochant: It's great fun. You think it's sinister; don't sulk just because I enjoy it!
- Christine Brochant: Come on. Stay with me. You know I'm not feeling well.
- Pierre Brochant: So come with me for a change. You'll have a blast.
- Christine Brochant: Making fun of some poor guy?
- Pierre Brochant: But he's an idiot! Idiots are fair game.
- Pierre Brochant: I'm off to bed. Turn out the lights.
- François Pignon: Can't I call my chiropractor buddy?
- Pierre Brochant: No!
- François Pignon: He's great. And cheap. Know what he charges for house calls?
- Pierre Brochant: I'm with Pr. Sorbier of the West Side Hospital. I don't need your buddy!
- François Pignon: Yours may be good, but look at you now.
- Pierre Brochant: Because you fell on me!
- [to himself]
- Pierre Brochant: Why do I even argue with this jerk?
- François Pignon: You're like a horse that missed a jump. At the track, they'd put you out of your misery.
- François Pignon: [showing Pierre pictures of his matchstick models] So, how many matches?
- Pierre Brochant: 2,000?
- François Pignon: 346,422!
- Pierre Brochant: Wow!
- François Pignon: That's not all. How many tubes of glue?
- Pierre Brochant: Mr. Pignon?
- François Pignon: Yes?
- Pierre Brochant: We're going to that dinner!
- François Pignon: You can walk?
- Pierre Brochant: I'll try. You got a car?
- François Pignon: Sure.
- Pierre Brochant: If you drive, we'll manage. Help me up.
- François Pignon: [doing so] Here we go.
- [Pierre groans in pain as he stands up]
- François Pignon: You okay? Take it easy. 37!
- Pierre Brochant: What?
- François Pignon: 37 tubes of glue.
- Pierre Brochant: We'll have a wonderful evening, Mr. Pignon.
- [they accidentally trip, and Francois lands on top of Pierre]
- François Pignon: I'm so sorry. Are you hurt?
- Pierre Brochant: [after injuring his back even more than it already is] Now what?
- François Pignon: A chiropractor!
- Pierre Brochant: No need.
- François Pignon: A buddy of mine. He's great.
- Pierre Brochant: I don't need him!
- François Pignon: He's the best in Courbevoie.
- Pierre Brochant: I don't want him! Go home, I'll be fine.
- François Pignon: What about dinner?
- Pierre Brochant: It's off. I'm in no shape now!
- François Pignon: Good evening, Mr. Leblanc. George Van Brueghel here. Sorry to bother you so late. I'm a Belgian producer, I just got in from Belgium, and I'm very interested in your novel...
- Pierre Brochant: [prompting him] "The Merry-Go-Round".
- François Pignon: "The Merry-Go-Round." I'd like to discuss buying the movie rights.
- Juste Leblanc: Is this a joke?
- François Pignon: Not at all. Why?
- Juste Leblanc: Etienne?
- François Pignon: What?
- Juste Leblanc: Cut it out, I know it's you.
- François Pignon: When you asked about my life, I didn't say "Go to hell." Farewell, Mr. Brochant.
- Pierre Brochant: Leblanc was my best friend. We quarreled two years ago. Okay?
- François Pignon: Over what? He made a pass at your wife?
- Pierre Brochant: No, I stole her from him. He lived with Christine. She left him for me. They wrote a novel together and brought it to me.
- François Pignon: Then what?
- Pierre Brochant: I took both the novel and Christine.
- François Pignon: All you windsurfers steal your friends' wives?
- Pierre Brochant: I'm no windsurfer! Give me a break!
- François Pignon: But you told me...
- Pierre Brochant: I don't do it enough to swipe my friends'... what am I saying? Is your curiosity satisfied?
- François Pignon: Why don't you call him?
- Pierre Brochant: Who?
- François Pignon: Him. To see if she's with him!
- Pierre Brochant: I call and say "Did the woman I stole come back"?
- François Pignon: At least you'd know. I called Benjamin and asked, "Have you left with Florence?" He said yes and hung up. At least I knew.
- Pierre Brochant: You came.
- Juste Leblanc: I felt bad leaving you alone.
- François Pignon: He wasn't alone. I took care of him.
- Pierre Brochant: Yes, and now you're leaving!
- François Pignon: Good night, Mr. Brochant.
- Pierre Brochant: Where does he live?
- Juste Leblanc: He has a love nest, but as to the address...
- François Pignon: Good night, Mr. Leblanc.
- Juste Leblanc: Good night. It's very secretive. No one knows it.
- François Pignon: Good night, Mr. Brochant!
- Pierre Brochant: [irritably] Good night! There must be a way to find it.
- François Pignon: Meneaux had a tax audit. Pascal Meneaux, advertising. I've seen his file at the Ministry. My pal's on his case. Meneaux has a love nest, but it's no secret. Not to us, anyway. Good night, Mr. Brochant.
- Pierre Brochant: [to Juste] Get him back in here!
- François Pignon: Marlène Hissister? It's me again. I'm calling to say Mrs. Brochant came home. Yes, a moment ago. She's fine, Mr. Brochant is fine, everybody's fine. His back is sore, but he's taking it better.
- Pierre Brochant: Say goodbye!
- François Pignon: I'm not really a friend of his. He likes my models. I make matchstick models of engineering feats; the Tancarville Bridge, the Golden Gate Bridge...
- Pierre Brochant: She doesn't care!
- François Pignon: She's very interested!
- Pierre Brochant: Don't tie up my phone line!
- François Pignon: Sorry, I have to go now. He needs me, and in his shape, I can't leave him alone.
- Pierre Brochant: [frustrated] Oh, my God!
- Marlène Sasseur: Alone? His wife isn't back?
- François Pignon: What? Sure she's back... but she stepped out. She hasn't walked out, she stepped out... to throw out the garbage.
- Pierre Brochant: What is this?
- François Pignon: Aries, with Gemini ascending. Aries don't lie. I'm not lying.
- Pierre Brochant: Enough!
- Marlène Sasseur: I'll be right over.
- François Pignon: Hello? She said, "I'll be right over" and hung up.
- Pierre Brochant: Give me that phone!
- François Pignon: Sorry, I played it too cool. I didn't expect her to be so cunning.
- François Pignon: I saw the light was on and figured you weren't asleep.
- Pierre Brochant: You still here?
- François Pignon: Thank God I am!
- Pierre Brochant: Why?
- François Pignon: We had a visitor.
- Pierre Brochant: Who?
- François Pignon: The nutcase.
- Pierre Brochant: Marlene?
- François Pignon: She just left. She was about to force your door. You're lucky a guy called Pignon told her "Keep out!".
- Pierre Brochant: You got rid of Marlene?
- François Pignon: Yes. I don't want to brag, but I was pretty cool. I was sweet, but firm. Got rid of her fast. You won't see her again.
- Pierre Brochant: That's good news.
- François Pignon: A pity, because she's a real looker.
- Pierre Brochant: What are you up to now?
- Juste Leblanc: Still writing. And I've already got a published.
- Pierre Brochant: What do you write?
- Juste Leblanc: We'll talk later. I have bad news. She called. She was torn between coming here and making a huge mistake. I tried to convince her, but...
- Pierre Brochant: What mistake?
- Juste Leblanc: Going to Meneaux's place.
- Pierre Brochant: What?
- Juste Leblanc: Pascal Meneaux, from the advertising company. She must be there now.
- Juste Leblanc: [leaving a voicemail] Pierre, it's Juste. I wondered about the Belgian weirdo, then realized you're looking for your wife. Ask me yourself, without the accent. Bye.
- Pierre Brochant: [picking up] Juste? It's me. Where is she?
- Juste Leblanc: I've waited two years for this. But I feel sorry for you.
- Pierre Brochant: Don't. Just tell me if she's with you.
- Juste Leblanc: She called to say she'd left you. She was very upset.
- Pierre Brochant: Did she say where she was going?
- Juste Leblanc: No.
- Pierre Brochant: Where could she be?
- Juste Leblanc: [laughing] It's painful, huh?
- Pierre Brochant: You know exactly how I feel. But I've got a bad back, too!
- Juste Leblanc: No kidding?
- Pierre Brochant: You'd laugh if you saw me; bent over, unable to move.
- Juste Leblanc: You want me to stop by?
- Pierre Brochant: Thanks, but I'd rather be alone. Thanks again. Juste? You don't have to, but if she calls you again...
- Juste Leblanc: I'll call you, I promise.
- Pierre Brochant: Thanks. I don't deserve a friend like you.
- François Pignon: Miss Hissister! This is for you. We spoke on the phone. Aries, with Gemini ascending. I dialed your number by mistake. Then I realized you're his girlfriend.
- Christine Brochant: His girlfriend?
- François Pignon: Yes. Sorry I was a little confusing. But it's very simple. His wife left him, but he doesn't care. He's asleep and can't be disturbed. Got that?
- Christine Brochant: Perfectly. I'll have a word with him.
- François Pignon: Marlene! May I call you Marlene?
- Christine Brochant: Please.
- François Pignon: I haven't known him long, but I understand him. So take my advice.
- Christine Brochant: I'm listening.
- François Pignon: Give it time. His wife just left, so don't rush in. Be the sensuous, amusing mistress you are, all garter belts and champagne. Keep on seeing him three to four times a week, wait for your turn. He'll fall when it's due.
- Christine Brochant: He said he saw me three to four times a week?
- François Pignon: I felt he'd see you every day if he could. So don't insist. Go home, it's your best move.
- Pierre Brochant: Meneaux's the worst!
- Juste Leblanc: That's why she went. She's mad at you.
- Pierre Brochant: That two-cent Romeo. She's crazy!
- François Pignon: [pretending to be a movie producer] There! We have the rights! And for peanuts, I'd say. He fell for it, he did!
- Pierre Brochant: What about my wife?
- François Pignon: What?
- Pierre Brochant: He forgot about my wife! He yaps for five minutes and forgets about my wife!
- François Pignon: [realizing his mistake] I blew it.
- Pierre Brochant: This tops my wildest dreams!
- François Pignon: Indeed, I blew it.
- Pierre Brochant: This is record-breaking!
- François Pignon: I'll call back.
- Pierre Brochant: Give me that phone!
- François Pignon: I'll say, "How can I reach your co-author, Christine Le Guirrec?".
- Pierre Brochant: Give me that phone!
- François Pignon: Too bad, we were about to find out.
- Pierre Brochant: You'll say, "How can I reach your co-author, Christine Le Guirrec"?
- François Pignon: And no more.
- Pierre Brochant: [after Pignon inadvertently calls his mistress] If my wife's gone, she'll come running. All I need is a nymphomaniac!
- François Pignon: She's a nympho, too? Oh, my!
- Pierre Brochant: Stop it, will you? If I call, she'll go on for hours! Tell her my wife's back. Hurry, damn it! My wife's back, everything's well.
- François Pignon: Really?
- Pierre Brochant: That's what you say!
- François Pignon: Right, sorry.
- [amused]
- François Pignon: Marlene Hissister!
- Pierre Brochant: His name is Juste Leblanc.
- François Pignon: [hearing "just Leblanc"] He has no first name?
- Pierre Brochant: I told you, Juste Leblanc.
- [seeing he doesn't understand]
- Pierre Brochant: Leblanc's his last name, Juste is his first name.
- François Pignon: Huh.
- Pierre Brochant: Mr. Pignon, your first name's Francois.
- François Pignon: Yes.
- Pierre Brochant: Just think his is Juste.
- [seeing he still doesn't understand]
- Pierre Brochant: We're wasting time. My wife wrote under her maiden name, Le Guirrec.
- François Pignon: She's from Brittany?
- Pierre Brochant: Please, stay focused!
- François Pignon: Sorry.
- Marlène Sasseur: It's you, darling. I'll drop off the dogs and be right over.
- Pierre Brochant: Don't! My wife'll be home any minute. Don't come over!
- Marlène Sasseur: Sorry, but I doubt she'll be returning. Know what I think? She's back with Leblanc.
- Pierre Brochant: Leblanc? Why even bring him up? It's over between them! I say she's with no one! Please stay home tonight, okay?
- [she hangs up]
- Pierre Brochant: Hello? That nut won't listen!
- Pierre Brochant: You're a Belgian movie producer, you read "The Merry-Go-Round", and want to buy the movie rights, okay?
- François Pignon: Is it a good book?
- Pierre Brochant: It's awful. Why?
- François Pignon: It bothers me.
- Pierre Brochant: Why?
- François Pignon: If it's awful, why do I want the movie rights?
- Pierre Brochant: Mr. Pignon. You're not a producer, are you?
- François Pignon: No.
- Pierre Brochant: You're not Belgian, either?
- François Pignon: No.
- Pierre Brochant: So you're not calling about the book, you're calling about my wife!
- François Pignon: That's tricky, but clever as hell!
- Pierre Brochant: We could use the book they wrote. Tell him you're a movie producer. You've read the book and want the movie rights.
- François Pignon: Good idea!
- Pierre Brochant: Then casually, you ask about his co-author.
- François Pignon: What co-author?
- Pierre Brochant: My wife! He wrote it with her!
- François Pignon: Right. I'm sorry.
- Pierre Brochant: [having second thoughts] It'll never work!
- François Pignon: It will! It's not easy, but I got it.
- Pierre Brochant: Not easy? You're a producer, okay? You have a company in Paris. No, he knows everybody here. Foreign.
- François Pignon: American? German?
- Pierre Brochant: Belgian! That's it!
- François Pignon: Why Belgian?
- Pierre Brochant: It suits you.
- François Pignon: I'm not Etienne, I'm a producer from Brussels.
- Juste Leblanc: What company?
- François Pignon: Sorry?
- Juste Leblanc: What's your company called?
- François Pignon: [as he makes it up, Pierre face-palms] Flatland Films.
- Juste Leblanc: Flatland Films?
- François Pignon: A young, but dynamic company, Mr. Leblanc.
- Juste Leblanc: And you're interested in my novel?
- François Pignon: Very interested.
- Juste Leblanc: For a movie or TV?
- Pierre Brochant: [prompting him] A movie.
- François Pignon: A movie, for the big screen. Not the small box!
- Juste Leblanc: I want to do the screenplay myself.
- François Pignon: [at Pierre's urging] No problem, Mr. Leblanc. But we're a small company with limited budgets. If you're not too greedy...
- Pierre Brochant: What about my wife?
- Juste Leblanc: We'll talk money later. When can I meet you, Mr...?
- François Pignon: Van Breughel.
- Pierre Brochant: [urging him to focus] My wife!
- François Pignon: Sorry to disturb you, it's Van Breughel again.
- Juste Leblanc: My agent's on the other line. I'll call you. What's your number?
- François Pignon: 01.45.90.56.03.
- [Pierre unplugs the phone]
- François Pignon: Hello? Hello? He cut me off.
- Pierre Brochant: I did, you idiot!
- François Pignon: Idiot?
- Pierre Brochant: [plugging the phone back in] You gave him my phone number!
- François Pignon: Sure, he wants to call me back.
- Pierre Brochant: You never stop, do you?
- Pierre Brochant: You can go now. I need to be alone.
- François Pignon: Yes, yes. Can I help you to your room? You can't sleep on the floor!
- Pierre Brochant: Get me to the sofa.
- François Pignon: [helping him up] Slowly.
- Pierre Brochant: Look ahead.
- François Pignon: They're all alike, eh?
- Pierre Brochant: What?
- François Pignon: I gather yours ran off with someone, too.
- Pierre Brochant: She ran off with nobody.
- François Pignon: Mine ran off with nobody, also, because Benjamin is a nobody. But she still ran off with him!
- Pierre Brochant: Hadn't we said goodbye?
- Marlène Sasseur: Hello?
- François Pignon: Hello, Pr. Sorbier, please. For Pierre Brochant.
- Marlène Sasseur: Pierre Brochant?
- François Pignon: Yes. I need the doctor right away.
- Marlène Sasseur: There's no doctor here.
- François Pignon: Sorry, I dialed a wrong number. I skipped a line. The handwriting's so tiny.
- Pierre Brochant: Who cares? Just hang up!
- François Pignon: Yes, I'm at his place. Yes, he's here. No, he's in pretty bad shape. He's got a bad back. He can't move, he's spread out on the floor like a sack of potatoes.
- Pierre Brochant: Who are you talking to?
- François Pignon: Who am I talking to? Really? Then I can tell you he's in very bad shape. His wife left him, too. He's broken, body and soul!
- Pierre Brochant: Stop that!
- François Pignon: I must go. He's about to lose it. Bye!
- Juste Leblanc: I've got an idea. Listen to this. We scare Meneaux to make him come clean.
- Pierre Brochant: How?
- Juste Leblanc: You call and say you know everything, you're coming to wreck his place with three tough guys.
- Pierre Brochant: Not bad.
- Juste Leblanc: We'll know right away by the way he reacts.
- François Pignon: A fine strategy!
- Pierre Brochant: I can't call him. He knows my voice!
- Juste Leblanc: He knows mine, too.
- Lucien Cheval: And mine. I'm with him all day.
- François Pignon: [they all turn to look at him] I think I'm going to be needed!
- Pierre Brochant: [mortified at the thought] Oh, no!
- Juste Leblanc: Only he can do it!
- François Pignon: I really feel up to it!
- Juste Leblanc: We'll coach him, and he'll do fine.
- Pierre Brochant: Just wait and see!
- François Pignon: Lucien, it's Francois!
- Lucien Cheval: How's the big Auxerre fan?
- François Pignon: I'm no die-hard, and the game's not over!
- Lucien Cheval: Not over? You idiot! Two goals down and it's not over? Auxerre is a team of clowns, dickheads, and fuck-offs!
- François Pignon: Yeah? Who got slaughtered last week? Up Marseilles' ass, ream it with class!
- Lucien Cheval: Go fuck yourself!
- François Pignon: You, too!
- [hanging up]
- François Pignon: What an asshole! Marseilles are turds, Marseilles are turds! Marseilles are turds! He's such a jerk!
- [seeing Pierre and Juste's looks]
- François Pignon: I'll call him back.
- Juste Leblanc: He's in a league of his own.
- Pierre Brochant: It's been like this for hours.
- François Pignon: Brochant knows everything.
- Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone: What?
- François Pignon: He's coming to wreck your place!
- Lucien Cheval: Nice going.
- Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone: Who is this?
- François Pignon: A friend of Roussin's. Brochant's coming over, and not alone. He's with three of his toughest pals.
- Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone: He's crazy! His wife's not here!
- François Pignon: You're not with her?
- Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone: She canceled out.
- François Pignon: Roussin said, "He's with Mrs. Brochant."
- Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone: Not at all. I'm with the wife of the guy who's auditing me!
- François Pignon: [they all look at Lucien] What?
- Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone: The jerk's hounded me for months. I'm screwing his wife, not Mrs. Brochant!
- Pierre Brochant: Could you get us that address, Francois?
- François Pignon: I'd have to call Cheval, and I'd hate to. He's watching football on TV.
- [showing them a picture of one of his matchstick models]
- François Pignon: An oil derrick.
- Juste Leblanc: Superb. Did you see that?
- Pierre Brochant: Yes.
- François Pignon: Know what I called it? Beau Derrick. After the actress, Bo Derek! Beau Derrick, Bo Derek! We had such a laugh at the office!
- Pierre Brochant: My wife is with a deadly sex fiend. Please call Cheval!
- François Pignon: Let's wait 'til halftime.
- Pierre Brochant: Why?
- François Pignon: If the game's dicey, he'll tell me to buzz off. Wait for halftime.
- Pierre Brochant: When is that?
- François Pignon: Soon. We'd best watch the game. Got a TV?
- Pierre Brochant: Not for football games!
- François Pignon: It's a big game.
- Pierre Brochant: Who cares?
- [Juste calms him down]
- Pierre Brochant: Sorry. The TV's in the den.
- Juste Leblanc: [meeting Francois] He's a bit of an idiot!
- Pierre Brochant: That's why I invited him.
- Juste Leblanc: Is he the guy...?
- Pierre Brochant: Yes! It's awful!
- Juste Leblanc: No kidding! He's your dinner idiot?
- Pierre Brochant: I've had it!
- [Juste starts laughing]
- Pierre Brochant: It's not funny!
- Juste Leblanc: Sorry, but you with a bad back and a broken heart, stuck with this...
- Pierre Brochant: [he continues laughing] Stop it!
- Juste Leblanc: When she said she'd left you, I didn't laugh. But seeing you with that jerk...
- [he continues laughing]
- Pierre Brochant: He tossed out my wife!
- François Pignon: I'm really sorry, Mr. Brochant.
- Pierre Brochant: He drove her straight into Meneaux's arms!
- François Pignon: Okay, I goofed. But anybody would have made that mistake.
- Pierre Brochant: Get out, Mr. Pignon.
- Juste Leblanc: No, Pierre. We need him. Call Cheval.
- Pierre Brochant: I can't stand him!
- François Pignon: I'm really sorry, Mr. Brochant. I wanted to help you so badly.
- Juste Leblanc: It's halftime! We must call Cheval!
- François Pignon: I'll make it up to you, Mr. Brochant. Tell me to call Cheval.
- Juste Leblanc: Think of Christine! We must save her!
- François Pignon: I'm calling because I need a favor.
- Lucien Cheval: Okay, on one condition.
- François Pignon: What?
- Lucien Cheval: Shout, "Go, Marseilles, go!"
- François Pignon: What?
- Lucien Cheval: Let me hear you shout, "Go, Marseilles, go!"
- Pierre Brochant: [Francois doesn't want to] You must!
- Juste Leblanc: [prompting him] "Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go!"
- Pierre Brochant, Juste Leblanc: Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go!
- François Pignon: I'm doing this for you, Pierre.
- [to Lucien as fast as he can]
- François Pignon: Go, Marseilles, go.
- Lucien Cheval: You must need a big favor.
- Pierre Brochant: [reluctantly inviting Francois' co-worker over for dinner] We've got time to tape the game for that retard.
- François Pignon: Cheval's no retard. He's our best inspector. Let him loose in this apartment, and he'll strip it!
- Juste Leblanc: It might not be a good idea to let a tax inspector into your home.
- Juste Leblanc: What's that wine?
- Pierre Brochant: Lafitte Rothschild '78.
- Juste Leblanc: Don't serve him such expensive wine!
- Pierre Brochant: That's all I have.
- Juste Leblanc: No table wine?
- Pierre Brochant: No! I've worked like a dog so I wouldn't have to drink cheap wine! I only have great wines! Or water!
- Juste Leblanc: Does Cheval know about wines?
- François Pignon: You bet he does! You opened a fine bottle. He'll like that!
- Juste Leblanc: Hear that? We've got a problem!
- Pierre Brochant: I'll solve it. Just you wait.