Judge Dredd (1995)
Rob Schneider: Fergie
Photos
Quotes
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Judge Dredd : Fergie, cover the rear!
Fergie : But I've never fired a gun in my life!
Judge Dredd : What the hell kind of criminal are you?
Fergie : A *nice* criminal!
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Judge Dredd : [pulling Fergie, by the mouth, out of the service robot he's been hiding in and slamming him against a wall] Mega City code 7592: Willful sabotage of a public droid. That's 6 months, citizen. Let's see your Unicard.
Fergie : [nonchantly] Come on, give me a break, Judge, uh,
[looks at Dredd's badge]
Fergie : Dredd. *Dredd*?
[Dredd gives a low growling Mhmm]
Fergie : God!
[shrinks back into a structure]
Judge Hershey : [scanning Fergie's Unicard] Ferguson, Herman. Hacker. Illegal tampering with city droids, computers, cash machines, taxi robots...
Judge Dredd : And you haven't even been out of jail for 24 hours. He's habitual, Hershey. Automatic 5 year sentence. How do you plead?
Fergie : [nervously] Not guilty?
Judge Dredd : [leans in closer] I knew you'd say that.
Fergie : [stunned] 5 years? No! No! I had no choice! They were killing each other in there!
Judge Dredd : [dismissive] You could have gone out the window.
Fergie : [aghast] 40 floors? It would have been suicide!
Judge Dredd : [bluntly] Maybe, but it's legal.
[nods to others]
Judge Dredd : Judges
[they respond yes sir]
Judge Dredd : Five Years Aspen Penitentiary...
[abruptly]
Judge Dredd : Case closed... Take Him Away
Fergie : [to Hershey in disbelief] What?
[gets seized by the other judges]
Fergie : Don't Close The Case
[protesting as he squirms]
Fergie : You're Misjudging Me
[struggles in vain]
Fergie : You're *Misjudging* ME
[being dragged away looks back at Hershey]
Fergie : You're Not Going To Sleep Tonight
[Hershey observers him regretfully]
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[Dredd and Fergie are about to run down an incinerator vent which blasts flames every 30 seconds]
Judge Dredd : Right, you ready, kid?
Fergie : No!
Judge Dredd : Now what's wrong?
Fergie : What's wrong? Are you kidding? Did wearing that helmet all those years compress your brain? You're going to get me killed!
Judge Dredd : There's a maniac loose in the city!
Fergie : What a coincidence, there's one out here too!
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Fergie : [outside the city walls] Dredd, there's no way in. Are you even listening to me? We can't just knock on the wall and say "Hello, Cursed Earth pizza".
Judge Dredd : There is a way in. Six years ago, two refugees figured it out. The vent to the city's incinerator, there's a burst twice a minute. That means somebody could run through that tube and have 30 seconds before it flames again.
Fergie : And these refugees, they made it through, right?
Judge Dredd : Actually, they were roasted. But the theory's sound. Shall we?
[he walks away]
Fergie : Maybe we should consider other theories? Dredd?
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Judge Dredd : The legendary Angel family. Cursed Earth pirates, murderers, scavengers, and of course, scumbags.
Fergie : Oh, that'll win 'em over.
Judge Dredd : [to Pa Angel] Did I leave something out, Pa?
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[Dredd and Fergie escape from the Hall of Justice on a faulty Lawmaster flying motorbike. They plummet hundreds of feet but the malfunctioning bike comes to life just before they're about to hit the ground and they manage to fly away]
Fergie : Dredd, you may want to wash this seat after we get off the bike.
[Dredd glares at him in disgust and grumbles EWW]
Fergie : Sorry.
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Fergie : What are you doing here?
Judge Dredd : I was convicted of a crime. Wrongly convicted.
Fergie : [laughs] Really? That's kinda weird! What are the odds? Two wrongly convicted guys sitting right next to each other?
Judge Dredd : You received the sentence the law required.
Fergie : Five years, just for saving my own ass? That was a mistake!
Judge Dredd : The law doesn't make mistakes.
Fergie : Really? Then how do you explain what happened to you? You can't, can you? Great. Mister
[mimics Dredd's voice]
Fergie : "I am the law" can't. So maybe this is some kind of typo. Maybe it's a glitch. Or maybe it's poetic justice!
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Fergie : Hallelujah, brother!
Pa Angel : Wait a minute. Can it be? Can it be that from the city of the fallen we have one of the faithful?
Fergie : Amen, brother! Praise the Lord! I'm a believer!
Judge Dredd : Fergie, don't do it!
Pa Angel : It sounds like we have a believer in the gallery. Cut him down.
[Fergie's arms are released from the ropes that have been holding him above the ground]
Judge Dredd : Fergie, you're making a big mistake.
Fergie : Well, Dredd, maybe the law doesn't make mistakes, but I'm free and you're toast!
Judge Dredd : Actually, you're toast. I forgot to mention it. Your new friends, they're cannibals.
Pa Angel : Fresh meat. Prepare the supplicant for sacrifice.
Fergie : No, wait. You can't eat me! I've got eczema! I've got warts! I've had gonorrhoea! Eat Dredd, he works out!
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Fergie : We're a team. Granted, you do most of the work, but we're still a team.
Judge Dredd : I'll handle it, kid.
Fergie : I bring you luck.
Judge Dredd : Luck?
Judge Hershey : You are still alive, Dredd.
Judge Dredd : Hmm.
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[Dredd and Fergie are about to run down an incinerator vent, which blasts fire every 30 seconds]
Fergie : Great time l'm having. The shuttle crash, Cursed Earth, cannibals, and now a fireball up my ass! This is all your fault!
Judge Dredd : My fault?
Fergie : Yes!
Judge Dredd : You care to explain that, citizen?
Fergie : If you hadn't arrested me, I wouldn't be here in the first place. Hey, Dredd, what don't you just kill me now?
[they pin themselves against the wall as the vent releases another burst of fire]
Fergie : That's it! I'm through schlepping. I'm gonna stay here until I'm caught or until you apologize!
Judge Dredd : The law can't apologize!
Fergie : That's just it, you're not the law anymore. Now apologize. I think I deserve that.
Judge Dredd : [humbly] I've never apologized...
[another burst of fire from the vent]
Judge Dredd : NOW RUN!
