Hercules Returns (1993) is a proud pi**take of 1960s Italian Hercules movies. Just as there were spaghetti westerns (mostly a decade later), the 1960s first kicked out spaghetti Hercules flicks, employing a myriad of pretty-boy wrestlers and bodybuilders, including Americans.
HR slays its 1993 audience not by mere spoofing, but by redubbing and reinterpreting the original B-movie vision, and plot, into something far more dopey and salacious.
For anyone interested, this is a feature film adaptation of the Double Take team's stage productions in Melbourne, realised onscreen here by Australian comedy festival host Mary Coustas (aka "Effie" to Aussies, playing the feisty Lisa), David Argue (as Brad), and Bruce Spence (as Sprocket). Yes, Bruce Spence is the lanky guy from Mad Max 1 & 3.
The silly excuse of a plot for this pi**take is the resurrection of an old moviehouse with the last film it screened some 30yrs before. That real-world original 1960s spaghetti gem was titled Samson and the Mighty Challenge (1964). Unfortunately the new theatre has some present-day enemies (Brad's old boss) who sabotages things by replacing the English-dubbed classic with its original and incomprehensible Italian version.
Somehow Lisa, Brad and Sprocket discover this looming disaster "in time" for the big show, rushing into the projection room to dub the film live on mics, complete with foley, their own falsetto voices, and an amazing "foreknowledge" of the plot (the pi**take). Well, it's all just an excuse for the Double Take team to do their thang. And what a talented thang it is: their timing, as well as their complete reinvention of plot fitting the existing vision, is truly awesome.
This farcical new plot often reinvents cynical modern hindsight as Romanised proper nouns. For instance, when Hercules (1960s Alan Steel) is hoeing into a chicken drumstick, his new English lines have him musing over somewhere he'd eaten good chicken before: "Oh yeah, Botulinia, that was it" (hinting botulism).
Hercules is now overdubbed as a dopey cabaret wannabe, wandering into the little town of "Climidia" (chlamydia) after rescuing a damsel from drowning. The damsel turned out to be a princess of sorts, remarking that Climidia needs a new cabaret act.
The princess' parents soon contemplate booking "that new singer from Crete, you know, Kylie Minogus", but reject her because "she's only popular with Cretans" (cretins). Instead, they "discover" Hercules, the son-of-a-god, mainly as a potential husband for their daughter. They desperately need some pretext to stop young Labia marrying her true love Testiculi, so they concoct Hercules' arrival as an edict of the gods. But the wily and not particularly chaste Labia has already seen through Herc: "Get real, mum, I'm not marrying someone with bigger tits than me", she scoffs.
Labia's mother Muriel is not very chaste either. She invites Herc up to her room "for a surprise" right in front of her husband Ted, who looks like a cagey "Benny Hill Show reject". Herc demurs that he "doesn't like to plan that sort of thing", so Muriel suggests she could sneak up on him. Without skipping a beat, Ted interjects: "-Nah; who likes old age creeping up on 'em?". Ted does have some of the funniest lines, apparently based on the original Italian actor's demeanor, who for some reason gave an all-too-knowing performance back in 1964.
It's very satisfying having the homosexual undertones of spaghetti Hercules B-movies explicated like this. During the course of Herc's Climidia stay, the local oracle "reveals" that the real reason Zeus sent him here was to declare Herc's true homosexual tendencies to the world. Hercules is completely incredulous: "You mean I'm a visitor to Vegemite Valley?!" The oracle then declares that Herc's perfect partner is in fact Samson, whom he must fight to prove his orientation. If Herc wins, he can marry Labia, but if he loses, he "must marry Samson".
All the original characters are mercilessly pilloried using the existing footage. Samson's newly dubbed lines are utterly pathetic and hilarious. As he contemplates his upcoming championship against Hercules, Samson muses "If I lose, my reputation is buggered... But if I win, I have to marry Hercules and then I'm buggered again...". His reinterpreted scenes with his girlfriend Delilah are some of the most tear-inducing: "Delilah! Where are you? You're hiding in that bloody little box again, aren't ya?" (due to the original actor's bizarre checking of tiny spaces). But Delilah is "a bit of a bruiser" who doesn't mince words. She doesn't want Samson fighting any more after one of his opponents was killed. "It's a bit unfair bringing that up-- you stabbed him", retorts Samson. She's still smarting as she accuses him of wanting to carouse for chicks in his chariot. So he butters her up with "What would I want with a beautiful young thing when I've got you, eh?". "-Suave bugger", concedes Delilah.
My favourite scene is with the farm chickens as they run across the screen. I recall watching the 1964 rerun one schoolday afternoon, and thinking that the last chicken was a little slow. Well, I should've known some comedian would notice the same thing. So now the chickens too have hilarious internal narratives: "Cluck, cluck, cluck, cl-aaaf*ck this for a joke". The punchline is the last chook, as it laments "Oooooh, I missed me cue"!
Some of the language is rather "Strine" (unsophisticated Aussie slang), but that's just leverage against other unlikable characters, like all the bodybuilders prancing in tight supermini loincloths. All are pilloried.
The last best gift is heard under the end credits: Des Mangan's Hercules Rap. He is the unseen talent behind the whole Double Take show. Although dated now with its 1990s clap machine, the song refers to itself as "rap with a capital C". Mangan as Hercules raps,
"...I'm a bachelor again, but I ain't cryin';
If I don't have a girl, I can always pump iron!"
Hilarious, and addictively quotable. 9.5 out of 10.
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