[
Facing imminent death]
Eddie:
You know, I think I might come back as a bra.
Richie:
What?
Eddie:
Well, all us Buddhists believe in reincarnation.
Richie:
When did you become a Buddhist?
Eddie:
About 5 seconds ago. And may I say it has completely changed my life!
Richie:
But you can't come back as a bra! That's just stupid! You have to come back as something organic.
Eddie:
All right, all right, I'm only a beginner you know! Errr... all right then, I'll come back as... ah! Claudia Schiffer! She's seriously organic!
Richie:
[
on various occasions seducing women, well, trying anyway] May I say, what a SMASHING blouse you have on?
Eddie:
That's it! I'm going to write to my M.P.
Richie:
Why?
Eddie:
Because I love her!
Richie:
[
emphatically] Eddie! Tony Blair is a man!
Eddie:
I don't think they were lesbians, Richie, 'cause they got off with those other blokes. Those, er, handsomer, wittier, erm... well basically those two guys who didn't have a load of toilet paper stuffed down their trousers.
Richie:
Yeah, well you hardly helped, did you? Stuffing a Vimto bottle down the front of your pants and shouting "Woohoo, looking for the Eiffel Tower girls?"
Eddie:
This is a sex shop isn't it?
Shop Assistant:
Yes.
Eddie:
[
slaps money down] I'll have five quid's worth then!
Shop Assistant:
Very droll sir, I've never heard that one before.
Eddie:
Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?
Shop Assistant:
No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum.
Eddie:
You've been working here too long mate.
Eddie:
[
reads letter] What's this? Annual membership to "Barbarella's Aerobic Fitness Centre"?
Richie:
Nothing to do with me.
Eddie:
It's got "Richard Richard" written on it.
Richie:
Ah. Er...
Eddie:
[
reads] "Leotard"?
Richie:
Well, er, Eddie, none of us are getting any younger. I just pop along every Wednesday afternoon and firm up.
Eddie:
What, you stand at the back of a room full of girls jiggling their bottoms up and down and "firm up"?
[
both watching a rented video]
Richie:
It's not very sexy, is it?
Eddie:
No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure".
Richie:
I think this is for kids you know Eddie. I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again. Well, what else did you get?
Eddie:
"Big Jugs"
[
laughs]
Richie:
"Big Jugs"! All right!
[
reads box]
Richie:
"A history of pottery in the nineteenth century." Anything else?
Eddie:
Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look. "Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam".
Richie:
Yabba-dabba-doo!
[
reads]
Richie:
No Eddie, it's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam Making."
Eddie:
Aw, come on, it's got to be dirty, it says "Swedish"!
Eddie:
What was your Red Indian name then? "Running Mouth"? "Sitting Down"? "Talking Bollocks"?
Richie:
"Dances With The Wind".
Eddie:
That'll be the curry again.
Richie:
Well it wasn't my fault I got so terribly ill I had to order you to cancel your birthday party.
Eddie:
You weren't ill, you just ate a tin of curry powder and painted your face green. I knew it was a hoax because the paint washed off when that enema backfired.
[
Richie's date repeatedly knocks on the door]
Richie:
All right, all right! Take it easy you bitch!
[
pause]
Richie:
I mean, Your Bitchness... I mean Lady Bitch of, oh God Eddie, what do you call them?
Eddie:
Jugs, what do you call them?
Richie:
Haven't you got through to the Pope yet?
Dave Hedgehog:
[
looking at telephone directory] "Pope, G."
Richie:
What do you mean, "Pope, G."? He's not Pope Gavin is he? He's Pope John Paul. Look under "Pope, J.P."!
Dave Hedgehog:
J.P. Oh, here he is: "Pope, J.P." I didn't know he lived in Twickenham.
Richie:
What did we do? What did we do?
Eddie:
Well it's your fault for touching up the burly Ferris wheel attendant.
Richie:
I thought she was a girl.
Eddie:
They were pectorals you fool!
Richie:
Well she had an earring.
Eddie:
Yeah, through HER foreskin.
Richie:
Yes, which I found out later much to my distress!
Pawnbroker:
Oh, there's a nice little piece of object d'art! Must be worth at least two an' a half grand... I'll give yer £1.50 for it!
Eddie:
Uhh... let's haggle.
Pawnbroker:
OK, a quid.
Eddie:
No, let's haggle upwards.
Pawnbroker:
OK, 50p!
Eddie:
God, they don't call you Harry The Bastard for nothing, do they?
Pawnbroker:
No. They call me Ted.
[
Eddie and Richie are about to attempt to do push ups]
Richie:
Okay. Une, Due, trois and Achtungh!
[
pause as they are still lying face down on the floor]
Richie:
How's it going?
Eddie:
Like a dream mate.
Richie:
You mean the kind of dream where you can't do push ups?
Eddie:
That's the one.
Richie:
Let's just be economical with the truth, errrm, something, buck, yeah hot young buck.
Eddie:
What about badger?
Richie:
No, no I'm more a sort of...
Eddie:
HEDGHOG!
Richie:
No fox! That's good, no that is good.
Eddie:
Stoat!
Richie:
Foxy Stoat? Yeah! It's gotta a ring to it... foxy stoat seeks...
Eddie:
Pig!
Richie:
Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig! Oh Shut up Eddie!
[
Eddie dressed up as Death]
Eddie:
All right then mortal. I can see you're eager to keep your life. How's about I offer you a straight deal?
Richie:
A deal? Sure. No problem. Great.
Eddie:
How much money have ya got in the house?
Richie:
Oh, none.
Eddie:
What about the three hundred pounds on top of the bathroom cabinet?
Richie:
How do you know about that?
Eddie:
God, I keep telling you mate. I'm Death, I know everything.
Richie:
Everything? What, even about the... .?
Eddie:
Especially that you naughty boy.
Richie:
All right. I'll get the money, just don't tell anybody. You wait right here.
Woman:
Which one of you is Mr Hitler
Eddie:
That would be me.
Women:
Ooh, any relation?
Eddie:
Well... I've got a mother.
Women:
No, no, I meant to Adolf Hitler.
Eddie:
Yes that's her.
[
Richie is carrying the turkey to the table on a tray]
Richie:
Cor what a magnificent bird
Eddie, Spudgun, Dave:
Where?
Richie:
Ew, I nearly kissed you on the knob then.
Eddie:
I'd rather cut off my penis with a rusty bread knife.
Richie:
Well yes, I can see your point.
Eddie:
It's this new skirt, it racks up very easily.
Richie:
I've done it mentally. Boy, have I done it mentally. Look at that bicep! You're bloody lucky I didn't hit you with that one, mate!
Eddie:
My Great-Uncle Percy was in the trenches of the first world war. You know what he used to say?
Richie:
What?
Eddie:
AAH! BLOODY HELL! GERMANS! THOUSANDS OF 'EM! AAAH!
Richie:
I've got an excellent idea!
Eddie:
What is it?
Richie:
PANIC! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Eddie:
That, my friend, is Welsh money.
Richie:
They don't have any Welsh money!
Spudgun:
No wonder they all vote Labour.
Eddie:
Bloody Nora! Neil Kinnock's grandparents were homosexual Martians! He's kept quiet about that, hasn't he?
Richie:
Mhmmmm
Eddie:
Lucky I read that, I was going to vote Labour.
Richie:
You know mate, if we ever get through to the other side of this one, if we ever get back to Blighty, I'm really gonna change the way I live... find a piece of land, find a beautiful woman, hell, maybe even raise a few kids
Eddie:
Aaaah quit dream'n skip, we're never going to pull through to the other side of this one
Richie:
No you've got to dreeeeam Eddie. You've got to hold on to the dreeeeeam!
Eddie:
Can I ask you a question?
Richie:
Shoot from the hip Eddie, that's always been your style.
Eddie:
WHY ARE WE TALKING SUCH COMPLETE AND UTTER BOLLOCKS?
[
proceeds to beat Richie]
Richie:
We're really the guuuys aren't we?
Richie:
So Spudgun, tell me about this road sign - sounds great.
Richie:
So Spudgun... why do they call you Spudgun?
Spudgun:
Well, gimme a potato and I'll show you why.
Eddie:
No, Richie. You don't want to see that.
Richie:
Oh, well, why do they call you Hedgehog?
Dave Hedgehog:
Gimme a hedgehog and I'll show you why.
Richie:
[
being forced to pay off Skullcrusher, an irate forger] Is there some sort of problem, officer?
'Skullcrusher' Henderson:
I can't take this money. It's been forged!
Eddie:
No it's not!
'Skullcrusher' Henderson:
Yes it is! I'm the one who forged it!
[
holds up a note and points to where the Queen's face should be]
'Skullcrusher' Henderson:
Look, that ain't the Queen, it's Danny LaRue!
Eddie:
Well, it's A queen!
[
Richie is trying to get pity from his aunt]
Richie:
Quick, sprinkle a bit of water all over the place so it looks like we've been crying a lot.
[
the boys believe they've just killed the meter reader]
Eddie:
Hey! Maybe he's not dead. Maybe he's just stunned! Why don't you give him the Kiss of Life?
Richie:
Yeah!
[
pause, disgusted look]
Richie:
No I will NOT! You sad pervy! We've got a dead body in the house and your first idea is to sexually assault it!
[
Richie tries to impress his date, Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellesley Obstromsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Ovlomov Boblomov Dob, third viscountess of Moldavia]
Richie:
What was it Shakespeare used to say?
Eddie:
[
dressed as a butler] Um..."Hello, my dear. I'm a playwriter, you know. Come on, give us a snog".
Richie:
No, Eddie!
Eddie:
Um..."Where's my quill? Bloody Hell, I bought five yesterday! Where do they all go?"
Richie:
[
laughing nervously] No, really! What was it he used to say?
Eddie:
"What do you mean, it's crap? There's eight bodies at the end, and he gets to shag his Mum!"
[
Richie punches Eddie in the groin]
[
Drunken man enters the bar, singing, he trips, and falls down]
Richie:
That's Tight-mouthed Larry, the bookmaker!
[
Larry is heard vomiting on the floor]
Eddie:
He's not very tight-mouthed today, is he?
Eddie:
So, er, what did you do then?
Falklands War Vet:
Well, I'd rather not talk about it.
Eddie:
Why? Is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you?
Falklands War Vet:
Quite the opposite, actually.
Eddie:
What, you sucked water in through your eyes?
[
Eddie and Richie are watching the Carnival parade from their window]
Richie:
Oh, I love carnival time! Look at that policeman over there!
Eddie:
Which one?
Richie:
The one jumping up and down, waving his arms.
Eddie:
The one that's on fire?
Richie:
Yeah!
Eddie:
Now well, he's got no one to blame but himself, it was him who started it all by appealing for calm!
Richie:
Is it?
[
to policeman]
Richie:
Provocative bastard!
[
Eddie and Richie are watching the Carnival parade from their window]
Richie:
Did you see the floats?
Eddie:
I thought I flushed it!
[
Eddie and Richie are pretending to be a newly-wed couple, Eddie dressed as the woman]
Eddie:
These saucy honeymoon undies are a bit on the cutting severe side.
Richie:
Don't you worry, Eddie, you could always take 'em off later. Or maybe I'll rip 'em off with my bare teeth -
[
to himself]
Richie:
oh no, it's not a girl, it's Eddie, it's Eddie! It's not a girl, it's Eddie, it's not a girl, it's Eddie! Oh God, I hope I don't get drunk!
[
Richie is making a list for the holidays]
Richie:
What else do we need for the beach?
Eddie:
Um, tetanus jabs?
Richie:
Ooh yes! Better make an appointment to see doctor Wildthroat for a booster.
Eddie:
He's not a Doctor of Medicine, you know.
Richie:
Well, I know, yes, but he's cheap!
Eddie:
Gave you rabies last year!
Richie:
But it only cost three quid! Come on, Eddie, beggars can't be choosers!
Eddie:
No, but they can froth at the mouth and eat the furniture!
Richie:
[
making a list for things to take on holiday] Ooh, condoms!
Eddie:
Well, we can take last year's, can't we?
Richie:
But have we got any left?
Eddie:
Yeah. All of 'em!
Richie:
Thank God for that! I hate going to the chemist's! Keep thinking my Mum will find out. I mean, buying johnnies is just a constant embarrassment!
Eddie:
What do you mean, you've only done it once! That was back in 1977!
Richie:
Hey, hey, it's a bloody convincing performance, though! That shop assistant could've sworn I was French!
Eddie:
Yeah, maybe that's why you came out with 50 tubes of pile cream as well!
Richie:
Yes, well, maybe my mime was a little indistinctive, yes, but you know, I mean, it was worth the daytrip to Birmingham just to find a chemist who didn't know us, you know! I mean, it might have been a long way round just to buy a threepack of johnnies we never use, but I'll tell you what: there's been no piles in this house since 1977!
Eddie:
[
answering the door] Hello.
Mormon:
Hello. Have you ever thought what a beautiful place the Earth is?
Eddie:
Yes, I have. Thank you!
[
knocks the man off the stairs]
Eddie:
Charming man.
Eddie:
I got a free police baton.
Richie:
Whoo, interesting! Let's have a look!
Eddie:
Yeah, well, I can't quite lay my hands on it at the moment
[
points towards his bottom]
Eddie:
.
Richie:
Nasty!
Eddie:
Yeah, it's one of those new long ones as well. With the side handle. It's playing Merry Hell with my liver.
Eddie:
[
to Richie] How's your sausage?
Richie:
[
looking surprised] 's A bit personal, isn't it? Oh, I see, you mean my *sausage*!
[
points at frying pan]
Eddie:
Yes?
Richie:
You're asking me about my sausage?
Eddie:
Sausage, yes?
Richie:
Not my penis?
Eddie:
[
astonished] No!
Richie:
Oh, thank heavens for that! Well, what can I tell you, Eddie, it's an absolute disaster! I just can't get the hang of this cooking lark! I mean, you put the sausage in the pan, you set it on fire, and what happens? It gets incinerated!
Eddie:
Well, maybe we should eat our flakes?
[
Richie looks disgusted]
Eddie:
[
Eddie holds up a box of cornflakes]
Richie:
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I see what you mean, yes! I think I'm getting "double entendre disease"!
Eddie:
Can I drink your juice?
Richie:
[
looking revolted, then realizing] Oh! Oh, yes! Yes, of course, go ahead! I think I'm going mad this morning!
[
knocking on the front door]
Eddie:
Someone's giving our knocker a damn good banging! I'd better go see who it is!
Richie:
Righty 'o! I'll grab a hold of my sausage and give it a good seeing-to!
Richie:
Have you hollowed out your pumpkins?
Eddie:
I BEG YOUR PARDON? Oh, oh, you mean the vegetable?
[
Eddie has made an exploding carrot]
Richie:
Bloo-dy bril-jant, Eddie! Yeah! Hey, got any more?
Eddie:
Mais oui, mon brave!
Richie:
What?
Eddie:
Certainement, mon general!
Richie:
Oh Christ, he's gone all Welsh on me again!
Richie:
Well, I just got to finish my sprouts Mexicain, and we're all set!
Eddie:
Sprouts Mexicain?
Richie:
[
gloating] Sprouts Mexicain!
Eddie:
What's that?
Richie:
Well, it's a... sprouts, pinch of chili powder, jar of curry powder, hint of tabasco sauce - well, three bottles, actually. Not so much a hint, more a party political broadcast. And the secret ingredient: gun powder!
Eddie:
*Sprouts*?
Richie:
Yeah! They were left over from last Christmas!
[
taps his bottom]
Richie:
Ta ta-ta-ta ta-ta!
Eddie:
But it's October!
Richie:
Yes, yes, I know, they were a bit... frisky. But the spices'll cover up any embarassment!
[
Oven explodes]
Richie:
Hey, they must be ready!
[
Eddie has made some home-brewed liquor in his bathtub]
Dave Hedgehog, Spudgun:
Hello, Eddie.
Eddie:
Hi, boys! Well, this is the Devil's brew! You didn't bring any led tankers with you, did you? All the cups keep dissolving.
Dave Hedgehog, Spudgun:
No.
Eddie:
Well, we'll have to use the pans, then. Here you go, help yourself!
[
he hands them pans, they fill them]
Eddie:
Hmmm, cheers!
Dave Hedgehog, Spudgun:
Cheers!
[
they all take a sip, which doesn't go down lightly]
Spudgun:
Oooh! Cheeky little number!
Eddie:
That's it. It has a certain robustness that demands attention!
Dave Hedgehog:
Possibly medical.
Eddie:
[
to God, who has just saved them from imminent death] Nice. Very nice. Nice beard too.
Richie:
[
indicating the posh nosh he has bought to impress his expensive date] I had to sell a kidney to buy this lot.
Eddie:
Well, they didn't want mine.
Richie:
Well, they're not much good pickled are they! Mind you, Sarsons showed some interest.
Natasha:
This is a very sexy room, I bet you've been naughty in here a few times.
Richie:
Oh you're not wrong there. You name it - swearing, doodling on the walls. I've flicked the 'v's out of that window more times than I care to remember.
Natasha:
And are you going to be naughty now?
Richie:
[
looking at his flies] Medically the chances are against it.
[
Eddie is dressed as "The Death", which Richie doesn't know; Richie is scared as hell]
Richie:
[
crying] Please, give me another chance!
Eddie:
No, I won't, if you don't leave Eddie alone.
Richie:
How did you know that we had fights?
Eddie:
I am The Death, I know *everything*!
Richie:
Uh-oh... Do you know that I have...
Eddie:
I know that too, naughty boy!
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