Bernard and the Genie (1991 TV Movie)

Alan Cumming: Bernard Bottle

Quotes 

• Bernard Bottle : So all I have to do is wish?

  Genie : As far as I know; the training for this stupid job is practically nonexistent.

• Genie : One day I was in the Temple when they tried to turn it into a supermarket; Jesus went in there and kicked ass!

  Bernard Bottle : Like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

  Genie : Yes, but with smaller pectorals.

• Bernard Bottle : But now, I'm as happy as Michelle Pfeiffer's underpants.

• Bernard Bottle : Originally, it was supposed to celebrate the birth of this chap called Jesus Christ, who was born, well, about 2000 years ago.

  Genie : Jesus, you say?

  Bernard Bottle : Yeah.

  Genie : But I knew this guy.

  Bernard Bottle : You did not!

  Genie : I did, I mean, what did he do to get so famous?

  Bernard Bottle : Well, he turned out to be the Son of God.

  Genie : No! I thought he was kidding.

• Genie : A little more negotiation and the match will be made. Depending, of course, on proof of child-bearing capability.

  Carrie : So, is that your flying carpet, then?

  Genie : Yes, it is! Would you fancy for a ride?

  Carrie : Oh no. The reindeer can get very jealous if I use alternative means of transportation.

  Genie : Very amusing. Now, down to business. Naturally, the question of the dowry raises it's ugly head.

  Bernard Bottle : Sorry, he's not from around here.

• Genie : [after having insulted the police]  Do you... wish I'd never said any of that?

  Bernard Bottle : [smiling]  Yes I do!