Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

Judith Hoag: April O'Neil

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Quotes 

• Splinter : For 15 years now, we have lived here. Before that time, I was a pet of my master Yoshi. When we were forced to come to New York, I found myself for the first time without a home, wandering thew sewers, scavaging for whatever I could find. And then, one day, I came upon a shattered glass jar and four baby turtles.

  Michaelangelo : [interrupts]  That was us! Hee hee.

  Donatello : Shut up! Oh, no...

  Splinter : The little ones were crawling into a strange glowing ooze from a broken canister nearby. I gathered them up in an old coffee can and when I awoke the next morning, I received a shock. For they had doubled in size. I, too, was growing. Particularly in intellect. I was amazed by how intelligent they seemed, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened next: one of them spoke.

  Young Michaelangelo : [in flashback]  Pizza. Pizza.

  Splinter : More words followed, and I began their training. Teaching them all that I had learned from my master. And soon, I gave them all names: Leonardo, Michaelangelo

  Michaelangelo : That's me.

  Splinter : Donatello.

  [he makes a heroic-sounding hum] 

  Splinter : and Raphael.

  April : I'm not dreaming, am I?

  Splinter : No. I'm afraid not.

• April O'Neil : Oh, Casey, hi.

  Casey Jones : Hi? I look like I just called Mike Tyson a sissy and all you can say is "Hi"?

  April O'Neil : You don't need an ambulance, do you?

  Casey Jones : No, but...

  April O'Neil : Just shut up and kiss me, OK? I got a report to do.

  Casey Jones : I love it when you're pushy.

  April O'Neil : Yeah?

  [they kiss] 

• Michaelangelo : [imitating Rocky Balboa]  Uh, yo well, uh, maybe I'll fight Apollo, uh, maybe I won't, you know. What do you think? Adrian.

  [everyone laughs] 

  Michaelangelo : Okay, I got another one. Oh, this is totally cool.

  Raphael : Oh no, not Cagney.

  Michaelangelo : [imitating James Cagney]  You dirty rat. You killed my brudda. You dirty rat. Oooh. Woo-hoo.

  [everyone laughs] 

  April O'Neil : That must be Splinter's favorite.

  [the turtles glare at her] 

  April O'Neil : It was a joke.

  [they pause, then burst out laughing] 

• April O'Neil : Okay, those guys in the black pajamas, they jumped me, and, and that rat... I saw *you* in the parking lot. That explains you. And you guys...

  [the turtles] 

  April O'Neil : Um... I have no idea where you came from.

  Splinter : If you will please just sit down and calm yourself, I will tell you where we came from.

  April O'Neil : It talks!

  Splinter : It is really quite simple, Miss O'Neil.

  April O'Neil : And he knows my name... perfect.

  Splinter : Fifteen years ago...

  April O'Neil : Why don't I ever dream of Harrison Ford?

• April O'Neil : Hasn't Raph been gone a long time?

  Donatello : Nah, he does it all the time. He likes it!

  April O'Neil : Are you sure?

  Donatello : Don't worry. He'll probably be back any minute now...

  [an unconscious Raphael is thrown through the skylight, landing at Donatello's feet] 

• April O'Neil : My nearest neighbors are about four miles away. I need to get to a phone and call my boss.

  Casey Jones : You mean Charles?

  April O'Neil : Yes; how did you know that?

  Casey Jones : He left a message on your machine, uh, just before we got out...

  April O'Neil : And?

  Casey Jones : Well, hey, you just saved yourself an eight-mile round-tripper. Um... You were fired.

  April O'Neil : I just saved myself?

  Casey Jones : [oblivious to the dark tone]  Mm-hm.

  Donatello , Michaelangelo : Uh-oh.

  April O'Neil : What did you do? Did you take classes in insensitivity?

  Casey Jones : I was just trying to break it to you easy.

  April O'Neil : Oh, well you FAILED miserably...

  Casey Jones : Hey, broadzilla, you wouldn't even be standin' here if it weren't for me, okay?

  April O'Neil : Oh, well what do you want? You want a thank you?

  Casey Jones : ...No. It's me who should thank you for that privilege, right?

  April O'Neil : Fine!

  Casey Jones : Yeah.

  April O'Neil : Thank you.

  Casey Jones : No, thank YOU!

  April O'Neil : You're welcome!

  Casey Jones : YOU'RE welcome!

  [they go into two separate rooms and slam the doors] 

  Donatello : Gosh, it's kinda like Moonlighting, isn't it?

  [Michaelangelo nods] 

• [first lines] 

  April O'Neil : Much more than just a series of small, isolated incidents, it's now apparent that an organized criminal element is at work and at the moment, business is good. So good in fact that there appear to be no eyewitnesses to any of these crimes. With complaints ranging from purse snatching to breaking and entering, police switchboards have been swamped with the angry voices of more and more citizens who have fallen prey to the recent surge of crime that continues to plague the city. Instead of getting better, things are actually getting worse. Even more alarming is the baffling and often bizarre nature of these crimes. Merchandise of every size and description from skateboards to stereo systems has been disappearing from store shelves and storage areas at an alarming rate. Even the victims themselves rarely catch a glimpse of the thieves. Many don't even know they've been victimized until it's too late. In fact, police have yet to come up a single eyewitness. Only a few vague reports of young boys or teenagers at the scenes have been filed. But whoever is behind these crimes, one thing is certain, these are much than just a series of random isolated incidents. Crimes without criminals? An invisible gang at work? Who are we gonna call? Unfortunately the police are the only ones to combat what some are already dubbing the silent crime wave. But perhaps the most disturbing silence is that coming from city hall. April O'Neill, Channel 3 Eyewitness News.

• Casey Jones : Lead the way, Toots.

  April O'Neil : "Toots"?

  Casey Jones : Babe? Sweetcakes? Ah - Princess! You wanna throw me a clue here? I'm drowning.

  April O'Neil : Hey, you know what, that's okay. I'll do it myself.

  Casey Jones : Fine, it's up to you. Just don't come around here asking for my help anymore.

  April O'Neil : Casey, I wouldn't ask for your help if you were the last THING on the face of this planet.

  Casey Jones : At least I know she thinks of me...

  [Casey sprawls out on the porch swing; it breaks and he falls on it to the ground] 

• Casey Jones : [about April's farmhouse]  Hey, didn't they use this place in The Grapes of Wrath?

  April O'Neil : Very funny. I told you, I haven't been up here in years.

• April O'Neil : I'd like to invite you all in but I really don't have anything to offer you guys except for some... frozen pizza.

  Michaelangelo : [springs up from the manhole like a jack-in-the-box]  Let's go for it!

  Donatello : You said the magic word.

  April O'Neil : You guys eat pizza?

  Michaelangelo , Donatello : Doesn't everybody?

  April O'Neil : Um, yeah... alright.

  Leonardo : [from below]  Hey, did she say pizza?

• April O'Neil : So, what do you guys like on your pizza?

  Michaelangelo : Oh, just the regular stuff: flies, stink bugs... It was a joke.

• April O'Neil : Will I ever see you guys again?

  Michaelangelo : Indubitably!

  Leonardo : Well, that depends on how fast you restock your pizza.

• April O'Neil : And then there's Casey Jones, a nine-year-old trapped in a man's body. He might be cute except for that pigheadedness...

• April O'Neil : [of Raphael]  Well... I *was* going to give you guys a tour of the store. Shall we go get him?

  Leonardo , Michaelangelo , Donatello : No.

  Donatello : Uh... he just needs to blow off some steam.

  Michaelangelo : Yeah.

• Chief Sterns : We are presently executing a plan of redeployment that will minimize response time while maximizing coordination between patrol units and a decentralized networking scheme.

  April O'Neil : I'm not sure I understood all of that, Chief Sterns. Would you mind repeating it, in English, perhaps?

• Chief Sterns : O'Neil... get in here!

  April O'Neil : [to the technician on her way in]  Time me.

  Chief Sterns : Just what is it you hope to accomplish out there, besides BUSTING MY CHOPS?

  April O'Neil : I think you know just as much as I do about this Foot Clan and I don't think you're doing anything about it.

  Chief Sterns : You expect me to waste precious manpower because some immigrants are reminded of something that supposedly happened, years ago in Japan!

  April O'Neil : Have you got anything else?

  Chief Sterns : Are you tryin' to tell me HOW TO DO MY JOB?

  Technician : [cut to April running out of the office, he checks his watch]  1:07. A new record.

• Foot Messenger : We have been waiting for you, Miss O'Neil.

  April O'Neil : Am I behind on my Sony payments again? Ha ha ha.

  Foot Messenger : Your mouth may yet bring you much trouble, Miss O'Neil. I deliver a message.

  [Slaps her hard on the cheek] 

  Foot Messenger : Shut it!

• April O'Neil : [trying to change the subject from Charles giving her security]  Hey, Danny, how's school going?

  Danny : Fine.

  Charles : Oh, wonderful. So wonderful, in fact, that I have to drive him there every morning now just to make sure he goes.

• April O'Neil : Are you guys sure you know where you're going?

  Michaelangelo : 11th and Bleeker?

  [Sniffs the air] 

  Michaelangelo : Nope, this is only 9th St. Ha ha! Get it?

  April O'Neil : Yeah.

  Michaelangelo : Okay!

• April O'Neil : [narrating]  The Turtles are four once again. And yet, still not whole. A lingering doubt remains. An unknown which they can't face: Their greatest fear.

  Raphael : SPLINTER!

• April O'Neil : [April's voice on outgoing message; answering machine dangles through a hole in the ceiling by a burning cord]  Hi, this is April. Leave a message after the beep.

  Casey Jones : What?

  Charles : [leaving a message]  April, it's Charles. I'm sorry. I don't know how else to say this. You're fired, April. I'm sorry. I know this comes as a blow.

  [the cord snaps and the answering machine drops on a Foot ninja's head, knocking him out] 

  Casey Jones : You can say that again, Chuck.