Nick Szalinski:
I'm on a special diet. No toxic waste.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
When I was your age, I put on twenty pounds of pure unadulterated blitz-the-quarterback-and-rip-his-head-off muscle, Russell!
Amy Szalinski:
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto.
Nick Szalinski:
I don't think we're in the food chain anymore, Dorothy.
Nick Szalinski:
We're now a quarter of an inch tall, and sixty four feet from the house. That's an equivalent of three-point-two miles. That's a long way. Even for a man of science.
Nick Szalinski:
When we crashed, my entire life flashed before my eyes. It didn't take too long.
Nick Szalinski:
We could be anywhere now.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
I think we're still in your yard.
Nick Szalinski:
How do you know?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Any other yard the grass would be shorter.
Nick Szalinski:
Where'd you learn artificial respiration?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
French class, kid.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
The early worm catches the fish, Russell. Remember that.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Something tells me we're not going fishing this weekend.
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
That should make you happy.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Blow it out your shorts, Ron!
Amy Szalinski:
If you were my brother, I'd put myself up for adoption.
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
Yeah, I hope your face ends up on a milk carton.
Mae Thompson:
How did this happen?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Let me handle this. How did this happen?
Ron Thompson:
I'm your brother, Russ, you're not supposed to fink on your own brother!
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Um, dad... You know that weights aren't my thing.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Weights aren't your thing. Fishing isn't your thing. Just what is your thing?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
I don't know. But I'll keep you posted okay?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Okay, in the meantime, you're trying these weights, and you're coming fishing with the family! IS THAT CLEAR? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Yes sir.
Ron Thompson:
What's a river doing in your backyard?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
It's not a river, dope. It could be a stream of dog pee, and it would look like a river to us.
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
I could eat a corndog the size of a truck.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Ron, if you had a corndog it would be the size of a truck.
[
Wayne shows Diane the shrunken couch]
Diane Szalinski:
[
excited] Are you saying... it works? The machine works?
[
Wayne nods]
Diane Szalinski:
Do the kids know?
Wayne Szalinski:
Well, yeah, the kids know.
Diane Szalinski:
That's great!
Wayne Szalinski:
No, it's not that great.
Diane Szalinski:
Why?
Wayne Szalinski:
I shrunk the kids.
Diane Szalinski:
...What?
Wayne Szalinski:
And the Thompson kids too. They're about this big, they're in the backyard.
Diane Szalinski:
*What*?
Wayne Szalinski:
I threw them out with the trash.
[
just as Diane grabs hold of Wayne, the doorbell rings. Wayne opens the door to two police officers]
Wayne Szalinski:
Yes?
Female Cop:
Did uh, you report two missing children?
Wayne Szalinski:
Oh, there must be some mistake. Our children are in the backyard. Right, honey?
[
Diane faints]
[
last lines]
Nick Szalinski:
Hey wait! I get it! FRENCH CLASS!
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Hey, if we had some rope, we could make a log bridge! If we... If we had some logs.
[
Wayne shows the Thompsons the shrunken furniture]
Mae Thompson:
Why didn't you tell us earlier?
Diane Szalinski:
Well, up until now, the machine just... blew things up.
Mae Thompson:
Are you saying that that machine...?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Blew up my kids?
Diane Szalinski, Wayne Szalinski:
No, no!
Wayne Szalinski:
No, if the machine had blown up the kids, there'd be pieces of them everywhere...
Diane Szalinski:
Wayne!
Wayne Szalinski:
Sorry, but I'm positive about this. The machine shrunk our kids.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
You're the one who needs a shrink, Szalinski. You are a nut case. And I'll tell you something, I have got an air hammer in my attic and if you did do something to my kids, there's gonna be pieces of you *all over the neighbourhood*! Come on, Mae!
[
he storms out of the house, dragging Mae after him]
Wayne Szalinski:
I think that went well.
Diane Szalinski:
I think we should have them over more often.
Mae Thompson:
[
Russ nurses a head wound] You got it, honey.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Sure?
Mae Thompson:
Positive. You're wiping away brain cells and there aren't many to spare.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Everybody in my family is a comedian.
Mae Thompson:
Everybody except you.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
[
about the Szalinskis] Weird family.
Amy Szalinski:
[
about the Thompsons] Weird family.
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
Your dad will go to jail, your mother too. After all she's the one who paid for it all, that makes her an accomplice. Do you even know what it's like in jail?
Amy Szalinski:
I'm not even going to tell you one more time to shut up.
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
And then what? Then you'll smack me? You'll go to jail too. I'll tell them after a big bee ate my brother you smacked me around. No jury in the world would fail to convict you. The whole Szalinski family is going to be in jail for life...
Amy Szalinski:
Look, my dad's machine works. When we get home and he fixes us all, we're gonna be so rich. You'll regret this.
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
Um... Amy, you know I've always liked your family. Your dad's a real nice guy. He's not as weird as I thought he was. I love you and Nick like... Like my own brother and sister.
Dr. Brainard:
You were right about the electric flea collar. The extension cord was a bad idea.
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
Hey Szalinski, ever do anything normal? Like play baseball?
Nick Szalinski:
Nope. Baseball is for mortals.
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
Maybe you could be the base.
Nick Szalinski:
Maybe you could be the mound.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Ronald, lug your stuff!
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
Later, worm.
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
They're never going to believe this at school.
Nick Szalinski:
Yeah, I can just see the note to the teacher: "Dear Miss Mason, Nick isn't absent. He's pinned to this note".
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
So, you like to dance huh?
Amy Szalinski:
How do you know?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Well...
Amy Szalinski:
You could see me?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
No, no. Yeah, I could, but I wasn't watching you, I...
Wayne Szalinski:
Don't worry about them, they've got the Thompson kids with them. They'll be fine.
Diane Szalinski:
That's another thing I'm worried about: Amy. In the dark. With Little Russ Thompson.
Wayne Szalinski:
Get some rest.
Diane Szalinski:
They'd better behave themselves.
Nick Szalinski:
Have a ball, baby.
[
the Szalinskis and the Thompsons sit down to dinner with a super-enlarged turkey]
Wayne Szalinski:
Well, I guess we gotta carve this thing, huh?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Oh, want to use my chainsaw?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
[
when the kids are trapped in a trash bag on the curb] Hey, Szalinski, do they pick up your trash the same day they get ours?
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
[
the ground starts shaking] EARTHQUAKE!
Nick Szalinski:
No, worse... LAWNMOWER!
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Hey, Szalinski, your lawn's beginning to look like the Amazon.
Wayne Szalinski:
Yeah, producing oxygen, Russ. We all have to do our part. You know how all the jungles are receding everywhere?
Amy Szalinski:
Good night, Russ.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Good night, Amy.
Nick Szalinski, Ron Thompson:
[
pause, then mockingly] Good night, Amy!
[
after their visit with the Szalinskis]
Mae Thompson:
I thought you didn't believe him.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Oh, I don't. Electricity's cheap.
[
after being saved from her drowning demise]
Amy Szalinski:
Ugh, mud is still mud, no matter how small you are. I can't believe that some stores actually charge for this stuff.
[
after Wayne and Diane stop Tommy with the lawnmower]
Tommy Pervis:
[
innocently] Nick said I could cut it, I swear!
Wayne Szalinski:
When did you see Nick?
Diane Szalinski:
Did you see him this morning?
Tommy Pervis:
No it was yesterday. Really, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so late.
Diane Szalinski:
[
calmly] It's okay, sweetie. It's okay. Why don't you back through our house, it's safer.
Tommy Pervis:
[
concerned] 'Safer'?
[
Tommy stares at Wayne and Diane looking through the cut grass for the kids]
Tommy Pervis:
[
to himself] I thought MY folks were weird.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
[
knowing about his kids missing] Don, uh, something's come up. I don't think we're gonna be able to make it. Maybe you better go on ahead.
Donald 'Don' Forrester:
What - what do you mean you don't think you'll be able to make it? We're caravanning, good buddy.
Gloria Forrester:
[
about Wayne flying] Donald, I am telling...
Donald 'Don' Forrester:
Not now, Gloria!
[
to Russ, Sr]
Donald 'Don' Forrester:
And besides, if you're not there by 6:00, you'll lose your deposit.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Confidentially... Mae hasn't been feeling to well - plumbing.
Donald 'Don' Forrester:
Plumbing? This isn't the Big Russ Thompson I know. Plumbing would not stop the Big Russ Thompson I know. Especially with an $80 deposit on the line?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Don, hook a big on for me, okay?
[
he puts his hand on Don's shoulder which takes off a fish hook accessory off the lifejacket until Russ, Sr. leaves]
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Don?
[
Russ, Sr. does the fish with his hand as Don does the same]
Gloria Forrester:
Let's roll, Gloria. Come on, get in.
Donald 'Don' Forrester:
What's wrong with him?
Donald 'Don' Forrester:
Come on.
[
Don then sees Wayne flying]
Donald 'Don' Forrester:
Mm-hmm.
[
after his talk with Don]
Mae Thompson:
Did you tell him the truth.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
[
smiles knowingly] Honey...
Mae Thompson:
Did they take it okay?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
Mae...
[
Don honks the horn in 'goodbye' and drives off]
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.:
[
furiously] 80 bucks, Mae! NON-refundable! Those kids are GROUNDED!
Nick Szalinski:
Help! Don't eat me!
[
screams]
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
He hit a baseball through your attic window...
Amy Szalinski:
He what?
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
It shouldn't have been closed in the first place. It's a nice day!
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
We'll get it fixed okay? We'll take it out of his allowance all right?
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
My allowance? Dream on!
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Okay, we'll just have dad pay for it huh?
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
We'll take it out of my allowance... Now give me my ball back.
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
[
to Amy] It's just that my dad doesn't understand your dad.
Amy Szalinski:
Your dad doesn't understand anything.
Wayne Szalinski:
And given that my machine can substantially reduce the size of bulky payloads... And fuel supplies of the savings to the space program would be staggering.
Professor Frederickson:
Mr. Szalinski, are you trying to tell me that suddenly size is no longer relative?
Wayne Szalinski:
Well, that's right, Professor Frederickson, and that all matter is made up of not only density but of empty space, and if we can proportionally reduce the amount of empty space in any given object, we can, thereby, shrink the object.
Professor Frederickson:
Uh-huh. Where's your proof?
Wayne Szalinski:
When Einstein came up with the atomic bomb, did they ask him to prove that it worked?
Professor Frederickson:
You, Mr. Szalinski, are hardly Einstein.
[
the audience laughs]
Wayne Szalinski:
I picked a name.
Professor Frederickson:
You have, however, managed to shrink one thing: the size of the audience.
[
stands up]
Professor Frederickson:
Gentlemen, ladies, I don't know about you, but I'm going to lunch.
[
leaves along with the rest]
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
They're never gonna find us! We were right under their noses and they didn't even see us!
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Jr.:
Don't panic, Ron. We'll - we'll find a way.
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
I'm not panicking.
[
shouts]
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
Who's panicked? Nobody's panicked!
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
I just figured it out, I woke up this morning and this is all a bad dream.
Amy Szalinski:
Ron, get up.
Ronald 'Ron' Thompson:
You're just a nightmare. When I wake up this morning my dad and I'll be going fishing.
Amy Szalinski:
I'm warning you.
[
hums with his eyes closed]
Amy Szalinski:
Okay Ron, maybe you're right. Maybe this is all just a bad dream. But, if it is,
[
grabs his ears - hard]
Amy Szalinski:
would this hurt? Get up!
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