Blackadder's Christmas Carol (1988 TV Movie)

Tony Robinson: Baldricks

Photos 

Quotes 

• Baldrick : Well, it went all right until the shepherds came on. See, we haven't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool...

  Ebenezer Blackadder : On some other dogs!

  Baldrick : Yeah. And the moment Jesus got a whiff of them, he's away! While the angel's singing "peace on earth, good will to mankind," Jesus scampers across and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggy-back ride!

  Ebenezer Blackadder : Scarcely appropriate behavior for the Son of God, Mister Baldrick! Weren't the children upset?

  Baldrick : No, they loved it! They want us to do another one at Easter. They want to see us nail up the dog!

• Ebenezer Blackadder : My what a jolly fellow.

  Baldrick : Looked like a fat git to me.

  Ebenezer Blackadder : Yes Baldrick, but if one peels away the layers of a 'fat git' you'll probably find a...

  Baldrick : Thin git!

• Ebeneezer Blackadder : In fact, there is something in your stocking, Baldrick, something I made for you.

  Baldrick : Ah, well that's the best kind of gift, Mr. B. What is it?

  Ebeneezer Blackadder : It's a fist. It's for hitting people with. (Punches Baldrick) And the great thing is, you can use it again and again! (hits Baldrick again)

• Lord Edmund Blackadder : HA! Got him with my subtle plan!

  Baldrick : I can't see any subtle plan!

  Lord Edmund Blackadder : Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing "Subtle plans are here again!"

• Baldrick : I've been helping out with the workhouse Nativity play.

  Ebenezer Blackadder : Oh, of course. How did it go?

  Baldrick : Well, not very well. At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died!

  Ebenezer Blackadder : Oh, dear! This high infant mortality rate's a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre. What did you do?

  Baldrick : Got another Jesus.

  Ebenezer Blackadder : Oh, thank goodness. And his name?

  Baldrick : "Spot." There weren't any more children so we had to settle for a dog instead.

  Ebenezer Blackadder : Oh, dear. I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind, if all Jesus had ever said was "woof!"

• Ebenezer Blackadder : Ah, my dear Millicent, come for her dinner.

  [Looks at Ralph] 

  Ebenezer Blackadder : ... and she seems to have brought the fish course with her! Who, my dear, is the huge halibut in the trousers?

  Ralph : I think... it's me!

  Millicent : This is Ralph - he's my fiance!

  Ralph : We're in love!

  Ebenezer Blackadder : Oh, dear. Ill-conceived love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker: one massively disappointing bang, and the novelty soon wears off.

  Ralph , Millicent : [they laugh obnoxiously] 

  Ebenezer Blackadder : Shut up!

  Millicent : Oh, Mr. Blackadder! What's happened? You've changed from the nicest man in England into the... the horridest man in the world!

  Baldrick : I was thinking the same thing myself.

  Ebenezer Blackadder : [hits Baldrick in the back of the head]  ... when spoken to.

  [to Millicent] 

  Ebenezer Blackadder : I would explain, my dear, but I fear that you wouldn't understand - blessed as you are with a head that is emptier than a hermit's address book!

• [Ebeneezer Blackadder holds up a small pine twig in lieu of a proper Christmas tree] 

  Baldrick : It's a bit of a tiddler ain't it?

  Ebenezer Blackadder : Yes but size isn't important my friend. It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it!

• Baldrick : Mr. B! Where's the milk of human kindness?

  Ebenezer Blackadder : It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks.

• Ebenezer Blackadder : [counting the year's profits]  Seventeen pounds and a penny.

  Baldrick : It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away so much money to the poor.

  Ebenezer Blackadder : Well, yes, but in the feeling-good ledger of life, we are rich indeed!

  Baldrick : Yeah, I just wish we weren't doing so well in the bit-short-of-prezzies-and-feeling-a-gullible-prat ledger.

• Baldrick : Christmas is a time for miracles. So maybe, if we screw up our eyes really tight and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky, someone will come and reward us.

• Ebenezer Blackadder : My, what a jolly young girl.

  Baldrick : Yeah, pity she nicked all the presents.