- [last lines]
- Withnail: [holding umbrella in rain] I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth. And indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition, that this goodly frame, the Earth, seems to me a sterile promontory... This most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire, why, it appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors! What a piece of work is a man. How noble in reason! How infinite in faculties! How like an angel in apprehension! How like a *god*!
- [extends arm with umbrella straight up to sky]
- Withnail: The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of *dust*? Man delights not me... no, nor women neither... Nor women neither.
- Withnail: We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now!
- Withnail: Right, you fucker, I'm going to do the washing up!
- Marwood: No, no, you can't. It's impossible, I swear it. I've looked into it. Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing! You haven't slept in sixty hours, you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together.
- Withnail: This *is* the morning. Stand aside!
- Marwood: [holding him back] You don't understand. I think there may be something living in there, I think there may be something alive.
- Withnail: What do you mean? A rat?
- Marwood: It's possible, it's possible.
- Withnail: Then the fucker will rue the day!
- Withnail: [approaching the pub] All right, this is the plan. We get in there and get wrecked, then we'll eat a pork pie, then we'll drop a couple of Surmontil-50's each. That means we'll miss out Monday but come up smiling Tuesday morning.
- Withnail: [seeing a road sign reading "ACCIDENT BLACK SPOT. DRIVE WITH EXTREME CARE"] Look at that, accident black spot! These aren't accidents! They're throwing themselves into the road gladly! Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness!
- [shouts out of the car window at a man standing on the pavement]
- Withnail: Throw yourself into the road, darling! You haven't got a chance!
- Marwood: What about whatshisname?
- Withnail: What about him?
- Marwood: Why don't you give him a call?
- Withnail: What for?
- Marwood: Ask him about his house.
- Withnail: You want me to call whatshisname and ask him about his house?
- Marwood: Why not?
- Withnail: All right. What's his number?
- Marwood: I've no idea. I've never met him.
- Withnail: Well neither have I. What the fuck are you talking about?
- Danny: The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to 12 skins. It is called a Camberwell Carrot.
- Marwood: It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.
- Danny: It's impossible to make a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.
- Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
- Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell, and it looks like a carrot.
- Marwood: [narrating over scene] Even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day... And for once I'm inclined to believe that Withnail is right... We are indeed, drifting into the arena of the unwell... making an enemy of our own future... What we need is harmony, fresh air, stuff like that.
- Monty: Do you like vegetables? I've always been fond of root crops but I only started to grow last summer. I happen to think the cauliflower more beautiful than the rose. Do you grow?
- Withnail: Geraniums.
- Monty: Oh, you little traitors. I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium. The carrot has mystery. Flowers are essentially tarts. Prostitutes for the bees. There is, you'll agree, a certain 'je ne sais quoi' oh so very special about a firm, young carrot.
- Marwood: There's a man over there that doesn't like the perfume, the big one. Don't look, don't look! We're in danger, we've got to get out.
- Withnail: What are you talking about?
- Marwood: I've been called a ponce.
- Withnail: [cockily] What fucker said that?
- [the man who called Marwood a ponce gets up and walks over to them. He is even taller than Withnail and much more burly. Withnail freezes in terror with a mouthful of pie]
- Irishman: I called him a ponce. And now I'm calling you one. Ponce!
- Withnail: [smiling] Would you like a drink?
- Irishman: [ripping Withnail's tartan scarf off his neck] What's your name, MacFuck?
- Withnail: I have a heart condition. I have a heart condition, if you hit me it's murder.
- Irishman: I'll murder the pair of yers!
- Withnail: [eyes filling with tears] My wife is having a baby. Listen, I don't know what my f... acquaintance did to upset you but it's nothing to do with me. I suggest you both go outside and discuss it sensibly, in the street.
- [Withnail suddenly runs out of the pub, so does Marwood]
- Withnail: *Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggghhh*!
- [Withnail picks up a bottle of lighter fluid]
- Marwood: I wouldn't drink that if I was you.
- Withnail: Why not? Why not?
- Marwood: Because I don't advise it. Even the wankers on the site wouldn't drink that! That's worse than meths!
- Withnail: Nonsense. This is a far superior drink to meths. The wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it.
- [he pours the lighter fluid down his throat. He gags and gasps]
- Withnail: Have we got any more?
- [Marwood shakes his head]
- Withnail: Liar. What's in your toolbox?
- Marwood: No, we have nothing. Sit down.
- Withnail: Liar. You've got antifreeze.
- Marwood: You bloody fool, you should never mix your drinks!
- [Withnail laughs hysterically and falls to the floor, then vomits on Marwood's feet]
- [Marwood is in the pub toilets, after walking past a hulking Irishman who's called him a ponce]
- Marwood: [voiceover] I could hardly piss straight with fear. Here was a man with 3/4 of an inch of brain who'd taken a dislike to me. What had I done to offend him? I don't consciously offend big men like this. And this one has a definite imbalance of hormone in him. Get any more masculine than him and you'd have to live up a tree.
- Marwood: [reading graffiti] "I fuck arses." Who fucks arses?
- Marwood: [aloud] Maybe *he* fucks arses!
- Marwood: [voiceover] Maybe he's written this in some moment of drunken sincerity.
- [Withnail and Marwood are lying in bed together, listening to a man coming inside the cottage. Withnail is cowering under the covers]
- Withnail: [whispering] He's going into your room. It's you he wants. Offer him yourself.
- [the bedroom door slowly opens and the intruder enters with a torch]
- Withnail: [screwing his eyes shut in terror, moaning] We mean no harm!
- Monty: Oh, my boys, my boys, forgive me.
- Marwood: [relieved] Monty! Monty, Monty!
- Withnail: *Monty, you terrible cunt*!
- Monty: Forgive me, it was inconsiderate of me not to have telegrammed.
- Withnail: *What are you doing prowling around in the middle of the fucking night*?
- Marwood: [to Withnail] I have just narrowly avoided having a buggering, and have come in here with the express intention of wishing one upon you.
- Withnail: [looking at a newspaper] Oh, look at this little bastard. "Boy lands plum role for top Italian director" Course he does! Probably on a tenner a day, and I know what for! 2 pound 10 a tit and a fiver for his arse!
- Danny: Don't get uptight with me, man. Cos if you do, I'll have to give you a dose of medicine. And if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to.
- Withnail: You wouldn't spike me, you're too mean. Beside there's nothing invented I couldn't take.
- Danny: If I medicined you, you'd think a brain tumour was a birthday present.
- Withnail: I could take double anything you could.
- Danny: [removing his sunglasses] Very, very foolish words, man.
- Danny: My partner's got a really good idea for making dolls. His name's Presuming Ed. His sister give him the idea. She got a doll on Christmas what pisses itself. Then you gotta change its drawers for it. It's horrible really but they like that, the little girls. So we're gonna make one that shits itself as well.
- Withnail: Shits itself?
- Danny: He's an expert. He's building the prototype now.
- Marwood: [narrating over scene] Speed, is like a dozen transatlantic flights without ever getting off the plane... Time change. You lose, you gain... Makes no difference so long as you keep taking the pills. But sooner or later you got to get out, because it's crashing. And all at once those frozen hours, melt through the nervous system, and seep out the pores.
- [They drunkenly barge into some tearooms]
- Withnail: [pointing at a table] All right here?
- Waitress: What do you want?
- Withnail: Cake. All right here?
- Waitress: No, we're closing in a minute.
- Withnail: We're leaving in a minute.
- [he sits down and picks up a menu]
- Withnail: We want cake and tea.
- Tea Shop Proprietor: Didn't you hear? She said she'd closed. What do you want in here?
- Withnail: Cake. What's it got to do with you?
- Tea Shop Proprietor: I happen to be the proprietor. Now, would you leave?
- Withnail: Ah! I'm glad you're the proprietor, I was gonna have to have a word with you anyway. We're working on a film up here. Locations, see. We might wanna do a film in here.
- Tea Shop Proprietor: You're drunk.
- Marwood: Just bring out the cakes.
- Withnail: Cake and fine wine.
- Waitress: If you don't leave, we'll call the police.
- Withnail: Balls! We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now!
- Tea Shop Proprietor: Miss Blennerhassett, telephone the police.
- Marwood: [with his mouth full] All right, Miss Blennerhassett, I'm warning you, if you do, you're fired. We are multimillionaires. We shall buy this place and fire you immediately.
- Withnail: Yes, we'll buy this place and we'll install a fucking jukebox in here and liven all you stiffs up a bit!
- Tea Shop Proprietor: The police, Miss Blennerhassett. Just say there are a couple of drunks in the Penrith tearooms and we want them removed.
- Marwood: We are not drunks, we are multimillionaires!
- Tea Shop Proprietor: Hurry up, Mabs. We'll keep them here til they arrive.
- Withnail: You won't keep us anywhere. We'll buy this place and have it knocked down!
- [Monty's Rolls-Royce pulls up outside the window]
- Marwood: [pulling back the lace curtain] 'S alright, 's alright, s'alright... We're going, our car has arrived!
- Withnail: [staggering out] We'll be back. We're coming back in here.
- [after coming out of a field, Withnail hasn't closed the gate properly, and a bull walks through it. Withnail hands Marwood the bag of shopping and jumps over the wall to safety. Marwood stands there, petrified]
- Withnail: [calmly] Grab its ring. Keep your bag up. Outvie him.
- Isaac Parkin: Hey, show no fear! Just run at it!
- Marwood: Well, that can't be sensible, can it? The bastard's about to run at me!
- Isaac Parkin: Well, it's randy!
- Marwood: Yes, yeah, I know he is!
- Withnail: [casually lighting a cigarette] He wants to get down there and have sex with those cows.
- Marwood: Shut up, Withnail!
- [the bull is scraping the ground with its front hoof, snorting]
- Isaac Parkin: Run at it, shouting!
- Withnail: Do as he says. Start shouting. He won't gore you.
- Marwood: A coward you are, Withnail, an expert on bulls you are not! *Aaaaarggghhhh*!
- [he throws the shopping the air and it scatters in the mud. Screaming like a madman he moves towards the bull, which turns around and runs back through the gate. He slams it shut and slumps against it, shaken]
- Isaac Parkin: Shut that gate and keep it shut!
- Withnail: [cheerfully hopping back over the wall] I think an evening at The Crow.
- Withnail: This is ridiculous. Look at me, I'm 30 in a month and I've got a sole flapping off my shoe.
- Marwood: It'll get better, it has to.
- Withnail: Easy for you to say, luvvie, you've had an audition. Why can't I have an audition? It's ridiculous. I've been to drama school. I'm good looking. I tell you, I've a fuck sight more talent that half the rubbish that gets on television. Why can't I get on television?
- Marwood: Well, I don't know. It'll happen.
- Withnail: Will it? That's what you say. The only programme I'm likely to get on is the fucking news.
- Withnail: [reading a newspaper] Listen to this. "Curse of the Superman. I took drugs to win medals says top athlete Geoff Woade."
- Marwood: Where's the coffee?
- Withnail: "In a world exclusive interview, 33 year old shot putter Geoff Woade who weighs 317 pounds, admitted taking massive doses of anabolic steroids, drugs banned in sport. It used to give him bad tempers and act up said his wife. He used to pick on me. But now he's stopped he's much better in our sex life and in our general life." Jesus Christ. This huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. "Geoff Woade is feeling better and is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about." Look at him! Look at Geoff Woade! His head must weight fifty pounds on its own. Imagine the size of his balls. Imagine getting into a fight with the fucker!
- Marwood: Please, I don't feel good.
- Withnail: That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. No! He'd like a bit of pleading. Add spice to it. In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was going to do before he did it. "I'm gonna pull you head off." "Oh no, please, don't pull my head off." "I'm gonna pull your head off because I don't like your head."
- Withnail: [spits onto the ground] Jesus, look at that. Apart from a raw potato, that's the only solid to have passed my lips in the last 60 hours. I must be ill.
- Withnail: [is being arrested for drunk driving] Look here, my cousin's a QC!
- Policeman 2: [high-pitched voice] *Get-in-the-back-of-the-van*!
- Withnail: Monty used to act.
- Monty: Well, I'd hardly say that. It's true, I crept the boards in my youth. But I never really had it in my blood, and that's what's so essential, isn't it, theatrical zeal in the veins. Alas I have little more than vintage wine and memories. It is the most shattering experience of a young man's life when one morning he awakes and quite reasonably says to himself "I will never play the Dane." When that moment comes, one's ambition ceases. Don't you agree?
- Withnail: It's a part I intend to play, Uncle.
- Monty: And you'd be marvellous. "It's gone. We do it wrong, being so majestical. To offer it the show of violence..."
- [as Monty continues to recite the line from Hamlet, Marwood gets up and whispers in Withnail's ear]
- Marwood: Please, let's go. He's a madman. Any minute now he's going to rush out and get into his tights.
- Withnail: [Withnail sees Marwood eating some brownish fluid out of a bowl with a spoon] You've got soup. Why didn't I get any soup?
- Marwood: Coffee.
- Withnail: Why don't you use a cup like any other human being?
- Marwood: Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being?
- Withnail: How dare you. How dare you! How dare you call me inhumane!
- Withnail: [on top of a hill, shouting into a valley, his voice echoing] *Bastards*! *You'll all suffer*! *I'll show the lot of you*! I'm gonna be a star*!
- Marwood: Right, now we're going to have to approach this scientifically. First thing we've got to do is get this fire alight, then we split into two fact-finding groups. I'll deal with the water and other plumbings, you can check the fuel and wood situation.
- [a few minutes later, Withnail re-enters the cottage holding a wet stick]
- Marwood: What's that?
- Withnail: The fuel and wood situation. There's nothing out there except a hurricane.
- Danny: I recommend you smoke some more grass.
- Marwood: No way, no fucking way.
- Danny: That is an unfortunate political decision. Reflecting these times.
- Withnail: What are you talking about, Danny?
- Danny: Politics, man. If you're hanging onto a rising balloon, you're presented with a difficult decision. Let go before it's too late or hang on and keep getting higher, posing the question: how long can you keep a grip on the rope? They're selling hippie wigs in Woolworths, man. The greatest decade in the history of mankind is over. And as Presuming Ed here has so consistently pointed out, we have failed to paint it black.
- Marwood: Parkin's been. There's the supper.
- [a live chicken is standing on the table]
- Withnail: What are we supposed to do with that?
- Marwood: Eat it.
- Withnail: Eat it? Fucker's alive.
- Marwood: Yeah, I know that, you've got to kill it.
- Withnail: Me? I'm the firelighter and fuel collector.
- Marwood: Yeah, I know, but I got the logs in.
- [they get up and approach it]
- Marwood: It takes away your appetite just looking at it.
- Withnail: No it doesn't. I'm starving. How can we make it die?
- Marwood: You got to throttle him. Listen, I think you should strangle it instantly in case it starts trying to make friends with us.
- Withnail: All right, get hold of it. You hold it down, I'll strangle it.
- Marwood: I can't. It's those dreadful beady eyes, they stare you out.
- Withnail: It's a bloody chicken! Just think of it with bacon across its back.
- Monty: I adore you. Tell him if you must, I no longer care. I mean to have you even if it must be burglary.