Wish You Were Here (1987)

Tom Bell: Eric

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Lynda and Eric are having an argument] 

  Lynda Mansell : Lynda up the duff - what odds do you put on that, eh, Mr Clever Dick, eh? That's shut his gob. That's put a crease in his brand-new suit.

  Eric : I don't believe you. You're joking. How? How d'you know?

  Lynda Mansell : You're the one that should know. You put it up me, Mr Bareback Rider! You knew when you were gonna spunk! How the hell was I supposed to know?

  Eric : No, you soft cow! I mean, how do you know? Are you sure?

  Lynda Mansell : You're the one with eyes. Look! Can't you see?

  [Lynda points to her swollen belly] 

  Lynda Mansell : All you see are tits and arses.

  Eric : Have you seen a doctor? And how d'you know it's *mine*?

  Lynda Mansell : If it walks with a limp and thinks with its prick, it's yours.

• Vickie : Tea, sir.

  Eric : Where's the other young lady?

  Vickie : Pardon?

  Eric : Where's the waitress who took my order?

  Vickie : Oh, you mean the waitress who took your order, sir.

  Eric : That's right.

  Vickie : She's got an urgent call and had to leave, sir.

  Eric : Where to?

  Vickie : Singa-bloody-pore, sir.

• [Eric shows up at Lynda's tea house job. Lynda sarcastically pretends not to recognize him] 

  Lynda Mansell : Can I help you, sir?

  Eric : Cup of tea, please.

  Lynda Mansell : We don't serve cups of tea, sir. Only pots, that's teapots, not piss pots, although we can always make exceptions. If you want a cup of tea, you must go to the caf with all the other riffraff. This is a cafe.

  Eric : Pot of tea, then, smart arse.

  Lynda Mansell : Language.

  [turns to leave] 

  Eric : And a bit of cake.

  [Lynda returns] 

  Eric : Or a bun.

  Lynda Mansell : [deadpan]  Bath bun, Chelsea bun, currant bun, honey bun, up your bum, fairy buns, seed cake, cherry cake, fruit cake, ginger cake, Eccles cake, teacake, lemon cakes, Swiss rolls, dinkie rolls, jam sandwiches, macaroons, cheese straws, and scones.

  Eric : I'll just have the tea.

  Lynda Mansell : *Please.*

  Eric : Please.

  Lynda Mansell : Thank you.