- [Grampa sits down to watch Medusa on TV]
- Grampa Putterman: I've said it before and I'll say it again, war stories and monster movies are educational. They're survival-oriented. They always neutralize the enemy in the end.
- [Sherman meets O.D. for the first time]
- O.D.: Hey, little dude, you into metal? Kiss the boot.
- Sherman Putterman: [O.D. puts his boot up on the table in front of Sherman, as Sherman raises his assault rifle to O.D.'s crotch] Kiss the ass, bozo.
- [Suzy threatens Sherman that she'll make him take his pill]
- Suzy Putterman: Sherman, will you shut up about the monster! I'm gonna make you take your pill.
- O.D.: Pills? What color?
- Sherman Putterman: Follow me.
- O.D.: All right, dude! Pill freak!
- [Grampa see's the Putterman's new satellite dish]
- Grampa Putterman: Intellectual decay! Turn it off, it'll rot your brain cells! It's an international conspiracy!
- [O.D. compares the alien monster to the E.T. alien]
- O.D.: [excited] Oh, this is too rude! Hey, remember that movie? You know, the one about the little space guy. Made you cry like a butthole?
- Sherman Putterman: E.T., stupid.
- O.D.: Yeah!
- [the Putterman kids tells Pluthar the alien monster has killed their parents]
- Pluthar: The beast has ingested Earthlings? Oh dear heavens, I'll lose my position for this.
- [Pluthar gives out his warning from the TV]
- Pluthar: People of Earth, you must heed my warning. Destroy your satellite receivers. Dismantle your communications systems. Render your TV sets inoperable for the next 200 Earth years. It may already be too late.
- [Spiro sees the movie playing on Stanley's TV]
- Spiro: Fantastic idea for a movie! Martians diddling the women of the universe.
- Stanley Putterman: Yeah, yeah, yeah... you got it, Spiro. Intergalactic swingers.
- [Suzy teaches the alien monster how important music is]
- Suzy Putterman: This is music. Mu-sic. It's almost as important as food.
- [last lines]
- Medusa: [the alien Medusa from the backseat of the car wakes up her driver] The studio, Al, and make it snappy! Come on, come on, come on!
- [Medusa on the TV talks about her hair]
- Medusa: I went to my hairdresser today to try my hair ratted. You like? Oh, it's really something to see. We use live rats, you know. Snakes just eat 'em up. Mm-Mmm.
- [Sherman hears Medusa call for him in the TV]
- Medusa: Sherman?... Sheeeerman?
- Medusa: [Sherman stands in front of the TV as the camera zooms in on Medusa] Come here, Sherman. Come reeeeal close to Medusa. All set, Sherman? This one's for you, babe.
- Medusa: [as Sherman sees the alien monster before appear falling back] Pleasant dreams, kiddies.
- [Medusa arrives in time to kill who she thinks is the alien monster]
- Sherman Putterman: Medusa!
- Medusa: [Medusa sees Pluthar] Not so fast, asshole! Yah!
- Medusa: [hitting Pluthar over the helmet with her purse] Ugly bastard!
- Pluthar: [as Pluthar's helmet starts to lose air pressure] Uh! I'm losing pressure!
- Suzy Putterman: [Pluthar falls dead] Oh, my God!
- Medusa: Right in the nick of time, huh?
- [the Putterman parents meet O.D. for the first time]
- Suzy Putterman: It's O.D.
- Stanley Putterman: O who?
- Suzy Putterman: O.D., my new boyfriend.
- Stanley Putterman: Oh. Irish boy?
- [Cherry asks Stanley if she can go into his Jacuzzi]
- Cherry: Is it cool if I get in there?
- Stanley Putterman: Cool? Babe, it's a perfect 98.6. It's like floatin' in your mother's womb!
- [Sherman watches Pluthar continue to give warnings thru the TV]
- Pluthar: I am Pluthar, sanitation captain of Pluton. A stray energy beam containing garbage from my substation may be headed for your solar system and could possibly result in the total annihilation of your species. I'm so terribly sorry for the inconvenience.
- [Suzy teaches the alien monster how important TV is]
- Suzy Putterman: This is TV. T-V. Next to food and music, this is mankind's greatest invention.
- [first lines]
- Raquel Putterman: [Raquel watches her exercise program while Stanley works on the satellite dish] Stanley! Stanley! Quit screwing around... Stanley! Stanley, I'm right in the middle of my program. For Christ's sakes, Stanley!
- Stanley Putterman: Lay off me, Beautiful. I almost got this baby wired.
- [the alien monster has a flashback to his stud-suited creator taking care of him]
- O.D.: Did you see that? He looked right at my studs and cooled out. This dude's into metal!
- [Sherman and Suzy meet Pluthar]
- Pluthar: Please, Earthling, there is little time. I've come to exterminate the hungry beast.
- Suzy Putterman: Like, what is going on around here? What is a hungry beast?
- Pluthar: On my planet, the hungry beast is a house pet, similar to your Earthly dogs and cats. But, they are highly unstable, prone to mutate wildly and eat everything in sight. When mutation occurs, they must be exterminated at once.
- Sherman Putterman: You mean, like, he was somebody's pet?
- Pluthar: Oh, yes, they're very lovable, before they mutate.
- [Sherman tries killing the alien monster while blowing up the room they're both trapped in]
- Suzy Putterman: [from the front of the house] Did you feel something?
- O.D.: Yeah, like, 3.5 on the Richter scale.
- [O.D. sees Pluthar on TV trying to warn the Putterman's about the alien monster invasion]
- O.D.: [to Sherman and Suzy] Hey, dig this stupid movie. It's just this one dude talking.
- [Sherman shoots at the alien monster as it chases after him, Suzy, and O.D]
- O.D.: [dodging the bullets] Don't shoot me, dude!
- [the alien monster makes a farting noise with its mouth]
- O.D.: Woah, I hope this guy's house trained!
- [the Putterman's discover the sludge floating in the Jacuzzi]
- Raquel Putterman: Spiro...? Cherry...?
- Stanley Putterman: [about Spiro] What the Hell did that homo do to the Jacooz'?
- Raquel Putterman: Maybe Spiro's cocktail made someone sickie-poo.
- [Cherry and Spiro express that Sherman should be in the movies]
- Cherry: You know, you really got a cute kid there. Have you ever thought about putting him in the movies? I mean, I know a really sweet agent.
- Raquel Putterman: Oh, God no. Sherman's much too neurotic to be an actor.
- Stanley Putterman: Yeah, the only thing the kid is interested in is being a soldier.
- Spiro: Ahh, such a manly pursuit - raping and pillaging and creating life, but taking it away. Like the gods of the ancient Greeks.
- [the alien monster watches Medusa on TV]
- Medusa: I had a date the other night. Poor fella. I turned all of the lights off and I whispered to him, 'Whatever you do, honey, don't look at me. One glance and you're hard as a rock.' Needless to say, the poor guy peeked. Now you see why I have this thing for phone freaks.
- [Sherman calls Medusa to tell her he has a problem]
- Sherman Putterman: This is Sherman, and I have this problem and nobody believes me.
- Medusa: Well... maybe I won't believe you either. Let's hear it.
- Sherman Putterman: Grampa and me, we were sleeping. And then we woke up, and there was this monster. And Grampa thought it was a burglar. And then we saw the TV guy. And then Grampa disappeared and the monster went inside the TV. Then Mom came home and locked me in the bomb shelter!
- Medusa: So, tell me, Sherman. Under psychiatric care?
- [Suzy asks her mother what's going on with the TV going out]
- Suzy Putterman: Hey! My TV flipped out. I missed the new Noodles' video!
- Raquel Putterman: Earth station Putterman is at it again.
- [Suzy welcomes Grampa into the home]
- Grampa Putterman: Hey, honeybee. You know anything about the U-2's?
- Suzy Putterman: Uh, the band?
- Grampa Putterman: No, the spy planes.
- Suzy Putterman: Oh, yeah. I think I saw'em on MTV!
- Grampa Putterman: MTV? Phooey!
- [Raquel welcomes her father over]
- Raquel Putterman: Hi, dad. How was downtown today?
- Grampa Putterman: Downtown phooey! I'm sick of downtown. Used to be the place to go... talk to people, disseminate your literature. Feel like you were doin' some good in the world. Now it's just bums and weirdos and kooks coming out of the woodwork. Getting so decent folk won't even stop and talk.
- [Stanley turns on the new satellite TV for the first time]
- Stanley Putterman: Get ready, you guys. This baby is going to open up a whole new dimension in television pleasure.
- Sherman Putterman: Oh, boy.
- Raquel Putterman: Oh, Stanley, I'm so excited.
- Stanley Putterman: [the TV turns on to show an Asian Samurai movie] Check it out! Dyno picture!
- [the Putterman's see Medusa for the first time on their new satellite TV]
- Medusa: Hello, bloodsuckers. Ready to be turned to stone?
- Grampa Putterman: Would you look at those hooters!
- Stanley Putterman: Holy tomato!
- Sherman Putterman: Let's watch her tonight, okay, Grampa? All the way to midnight.
- Grampa Putterman: Hell yeah, we'll watch her!
- [Raquel asks Suzy what happened to her previous boyfriend]
- Raquel Putterman: New Boyfriend? What happened to the Weinstein boy?
- Suzy Putterman: Squidsville, Mommy, Gaa! O.D.'s the coolest boy in school, he's a musical genius.
- [O.D. sees Grampa eating on the couch]
- O.D.: Hey, old dude. Whatcha eatin', man?
- Grampa Putterman: Lizard tail jerky. Wanna stick?
- O.D.: No thanks, man. I just pigged out.
- Grampa Putterman: Amazing creature, the lizard. Ya eat the tail, it don't give a hoot. Just grows another one. And ya eat it, too.
- Grampa Putterman: [Grampa giggles while taking another bite] It's mighty darn tasty!
- [Sherman and Grampa see the alien monster for the first time in the TV]
- Sherman Putterman: Hey, this looks like a cool movie.
- Grampa Putterman: Hey, he's a gross-lookin' booger, ain't he? I'd nuke that sucker!
- Grampa Putterman: [the alien monster remains still making growling sounds] Well, do something, you ugly bastard!
- Sherman Putterman: Man, this is the dumbest movie I ever saw.
- [Sherman and Grampa watch Medusa on the new satellite TV]
- Medusa: All you phone freaks out there, stay tuned.
- Sherman Putterman: [Sherman smiles] Oh, boy!
- Medusa: We're gonna open up the call lines to see what you perverts are up to.
- Medusa: [Grampa smiles] And Medusa wants to hear some kinky... wet... nightmares.
- [as the camera zooms down into Medusa's cleavage]
- [Sherman and Grampa react after seeing the alien monster in their living room]
- Grampa Putterman: You know what the Sam Hill it was?
- Sherman Putterman: It-it looked like a-a monster.
- Grampa Putterman: There's no such thing as monsters, boy. It was a God dang burglar! Let's move out!
- [Sherman tries describing the alien monster to Grampa]
- Sherman Putterman: [scared] It looked... weird.
- Grampa Putterman: Sometimes them burglars wear Halloween masks. They scare the poop outta ya.
- [Grampa and Sherman wait for the alien monster to attack]
- Grampa Putterman: [fully armed] Remember boy, best way to stop the enemy... brain shot!
- [Sherman and Grampa recon different parts of the house looking for the alien monster]
- Sherman Putterman: Grampa? You okay?
- Grampa Putterman: A-Okay, little buddy!
- [Grampa chugs his alcoholic drink]
- [Sherman tries calling the police for help]
- Nutky: [on the phone] Now, Sherman, are you aware that what you're doing is a criminal offense?
- Sherman Putterman: Huh?
- Nutky: There's a law against prank phone calls.
- Sherman Putterman: No, really, I swear there's a monster on TV. It ate Grampa and the TV guy.
- Nutky: Now listen here, Sherman Putterman, I'd come out and arrest your ass, but lucky for you, I got some real police emergencies to attend to.
- [Raquel sees the frightened Sherman holding his assault rifle]
- Sherman Putterman: Mom... Grampa... a monster!
- Raquel Putterman: Oh, for Christ's sake, he's having another one of his attacks.
- Raquel Putterman: [Raquel grabs and shakes Sherman around] Sherman! Wake up, Sherman! You're dreaming!
- [Sherman tries telling his mother something weird is going on]
- Sherman Putterman: No, Mom, really! Something weird's going on, I swear!
- Raquel Putterman: Sherman Putterman, I'm fed up! If you're too big of a sissy to spend the night alone, then you'll just spend the night with Grampa!
- [as Raquel throws Sherman with the alien Grampa in the bomb shelter]
- [Cherry tells Raquel how much she loves the Putterman's house]
- Cherry: I just really love your house here. It's so - I don't know, it's kinda-kinda weird.
- Raquel Putterman: Yeah, thank you. We did it ourselves.