- Lyman Vunk: [instructing a managerial training class] We reserve the right... to refuse service... to ASSHOLES like YOU.
- [the entire class repeats his example]
- [Explaining how much formula has been given to Zipser]
- Dr. Mole: I injected 20 cc's of bird cum. That is the equivalent of 3 tons of my new synthetic chicken.
- Lyman Vunk: 3 TONS?
- Dr. Mole: Yes... that would be as if he had a bucket of chicken, every day, for 500 years.
- Lyman Vunk: Is there any chance of brain damage?
- Nacio Herb Zipser: Cluck... Cluck.
- Lyman Vunk: [instructing a managerial training class] Put those cookies back... MOTHERFUCKER.
- [the entire class repeats his example, Sister Sara crossing herself]
- 400 club member: [after farting] Deep and mean.
- Drootin: [an African-American motorcycle cop pulls up to the Buster Burger drive-thru] Drootin
- [speaking through the mic]
- Drootin: What's it gonna be?
- Officer Rigney: [to the plastic pickle] Buster Burger on a stick with cheese, Cowcatchers and a Buster Shake.
- Drootin: Hey, pig! We don't serve afro-turf toilet plungers here.
- Officer Rigney: What the hell did you say?
- Drootin: [speaking through the mic] Skid, Hash-mark. We don't serve freeway smokie donut chokers here!
- Officer Rigney: [obviously angry] I wanna see your goddamn manager NOW!
- Drootin: [speaking through the mic] You're talking to the manager peter cheese, so merge!
- Officer Rigney: [getting off the motorcycle] I don't have to take this kinda crap from a goddamn green pickle!
- Drootin: [speaking through the mic] Hey, Rotate-Kunta Kinte! Your check's ready at the welfare office!
- [laughs]
- Officer Rigney: [getting back on the motorcycle] Alright, Pickle! You ain't seen the last of me yet!
- Drive Thru Girl: Excuse me, Mr. Belnet but there's a dead woman in the drive-thru lane.
- Busterburger Manager: Well, cancel her order.
- [an old lady pulls up to the Buster Burgers' drive thru intercom which is shaped like a giant pickle]
- "Mr. Pickle" Intercom: Hi, welcome to Buster Burgers, what can I get ch'ya?
- Old Lady: Um... one burger... uh, some fries... and a malte. Oh! And, uh, could you put cheese on that, please?
- "Mr. Pickle" Intercom: Just say, "Buster Cheese, Bull Chips, and a Chocolate Buster Shake," madam.
- Old Lady: Okay.
- "Mr. Pickle" Intercom: [annoyed] So say it!
- Old Lady: Shove off, pickle! I don't like talking to machines.
- "Mr. Pickle" Intercom: Look, toots. Take that Falcon you're driving, chain it up, and shove it where the sun don't shine!
- Old Lady: Wha? Wh-wh-why I... ooh... ack!
- [collapses from a heart attack]
- "Mr. Pickle" Intercom: [once again cheerful] Thanks for coming to Buster Burgers, please move forward. You may be eligible for a prize.
- 400 club member, 400 club member: [after farting]
- [In unison]
- 400 club member, 400 club member: Aroma!
- [giggles]
- Fred Domino: All right, who ordered 60 double Buster burgers?
- Magneto Jones: That fat motherfucker right there. That fat motherfucker right there. Them two giggling twin motherfuckers right there. And that skinny walnut headed right there ordered 72.
- 400 club member: No flash! No flash!
- Man on Toilet: A smile everybody.
- [clicks camera and someone farts, the bathroom explodes]
- Man on Toilet: Say "cheese".
- Dr. Gotbottom: Before Dean DuBerry arranged for you to see me, Mr. Proco, I pulled your record.
- Russell Proco: [to himself] Oh Geez.
- Dr. Gotbottom: Four colleges in three years? Don't you like school?
- Russell Proco: Of course... I've tried four.
- [laughs nervously]
- Dr. Gotbottom: Russell, according to the Dean's office, you rarely attend your classes. Why?
- Russell Proco: Doctor, my parents really want me to have a college education and make something of myself, but all I do at school is have sex.
- Dr. Gotbottom: [reading Russell's record] Expelled, lewd conduct. Expelled, nude conduct. Hospitalized... your thing in a sling?
- [addressing Russell again]
- Dr. Gotbottom: Do you believe yourself to be God's gift to women?
- Russell Proco: No, of course not. I just ask a girl to a movie and before we can get out of the house, we're in bed. It's been like this since my Freshman year. I haven't seen a movie since E.T.
- Dr. Gotbottom: Russell, you must learn to exercise a little sexual self-control if you expect to succeed in life. Now, I know that these are liberal times and, well, I'm not exactly blind
- [gets out of her chair, comes around the desk and takes off her glasses]
- Dr. Gotbottom: It's no secret, women of all ages want virile, hard-bodied young men...
- [takes the ribbon from her hair and pulls it down]
- Dr. Gotbottom: ... like you.
- Russell Proco: Then I'm normal?
- Dr. Gotbottom: Let's find out.
- [She straddles him and pulls open her shirt, revealing her bare breasts]
- Russell Proco: You're the doctor.
- Dr. Gotbottom: [as they kiss, the Dean walks in and startles both of them] Dean DuBerry!
- Russell Proco: My father's gonna kill me.
- [smash cut to Russell at home being strangled by his father]
- Russell's Father: [choking him after he's been caught naked with the school psychiatrist] The school shrink! You don't go around bopping school shrinks!
- Russell Proco: She started it!
- Russell's Father: She started it? Did she started at Penn State? Did she start it at Wyoming State?
- Russell Proco: Dad! They always start it, I'm a goddamn victim of nature.
- Russell's Father: Baloney! You got a mouth, use it!
- Russell Proco: [smirking] That's just the problem, I always do.
- Russell's Father: I mean to say no to women when it's appropriate.
- Russell's Mother: Four schools have bent over backwards for you, Russell.
- Russell's Father: It's the co-eds who bend over backwards!
- Fred Domino: [notices Sister Sarah's habit] Calvin Klein?
- Sister Sara: Hello, Calvin. I'm Sister Sarah.
- Fred Domino: Fred Domino, at your service.
- [kisses her hand]
- Fred Domino: Hey so what's a nun like you doin' in a place like this?
- Sister Sara: I heard voices.
- Fred Domino: [confused] Voices?
- Sister Sara: [singing] America, you're getting burger hungry!
- Drootin: [notices Fred Domino sitting on his own suitcase] You tired? Why don't you give your hemorrhoids a rest?
- [Fred stands]
- Drootin: [checks his clipboard] Mezzanine? That your real name or what?
- Conchita: Conchita Margarita Consuela Mario Henyas Mezzanine.
- Drootin: [checks his clipboard again] Says here your from Guacamole. You LOOK like you're from Guacamole.
- Conchita: Guacamolé
- Drootin: Whatever!
- Conchita: I have come to your country to learn the fast ways of feeding the starving peoples of the south!
- Drootin: Well, you came to the right place, sister!
- Sister Sara: Yes?
- Drootin: No!
- Sister Sara: Sorry.
- Fred Domino: Look at the chassis on that baby.
- Nacio Herb Zipser: I'll say. Fuel-injected Bustermobile with twin overhead cams.
- Fred Domino: Huh?
- Nacio Herb Zipser: Tits.
- Conchita: Oh, you fruitcake! What good are you? I come to this country to find a real man. And I will.
- [slams the door]
- Russell Proco: Bitch.