Romancing the Stone (1984)
Kathleen Turner: Joan Wilder
Photos
Quotes
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Joan Wilder : What is all this?
Jack Colton : All this? About five to life in the States, a couple of centuries down here.
Joan Wilder : Oh, marijuana.
Jack Colton : Oh, you smoke it?
Joan Wilder : [defensively] I went to college.
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Joan Wilder : These were Italian.
Jack Colton : Now they're practical.
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Jack Colton : My minimum price for taking a stranded lady to a telephone is 400 dollars.
Joan Wilder : Will you take 375 in traveler's checks?
Jack Colton : American Express?
Joan Wilder : Of course.
Jack Colton : You've got a deal.
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Joan Wilder : Why won't you take the elevator?
Mrs. Irwin : Oh, pumpkin, I never get into an elevator alone. You know... rapists.
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[first lines]
Grogan : What's it gonna be, Angelina?
Joan Wilder : [voiceover narration] It was Grogan: the filthiest, dirtiest, *dumbest* excuse for a man west of the Missouri River.
Grogan : So, you can die two ways, angel: quick like the tongue of a snake, or slower than the molasses in January.
Joan Wilder : [voiceover narration] But it was October.
Grogan : I'll kill you, goddammit, if it's the Fourth of July! Where is it? Uhh. Get over there!
Joan Wilder : [voiceover narration] I told him to get out, now that he had what he came for.
Grogan : Not quite, angel.
[spits]
Grogan : Take 'em off. Do it! Come on!
[Angelina kills Grogan by throwing a concealed knife]
Joan Wilder : [voiceover] That was the end of Grogan... the man who killed my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and stole my Bible! But if there was one law of the west: Bastards had brothers, who seemed to ride forever.
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Joan Wilder : You're the best time I've ever had.
Jack Colton : I've never been anybody's best time.
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[last lines]
[Jack shows off his new crocodile skin boots made from the crocodile he has killed]
Joan Wilder : I like your boots.
Jack Colton : Yup, that poor old yellow-tailed guy... developed a fatal case of indigestion. He died right in my arms.
Joan Wilder : I can't blame him. If I were to die, there's nowhere on earth I'd rather be.
Jack Colton : I couldn't stop thinking about you. I even read one of your books.
Joan Wilder : Then you know how they all end.
Jack Colton : Yeah. Hi.
Joan Wilder : Hi.
[they kiss passionately]
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Joan Wilder : Excuse me, mister. Can you tell where can I get to a telephone?
Jack Colton : No, lady. I don't have any idea. I'm sorry.
Joan Wilder : But it's very important that I get to one.
Jack Colton : Well, we've all got our problems today. Don't we?
Joan Wilder : Can you tell me where the nearest town is?
Jack Colton : English speaking? How about Miami?
Joan Wilder : Will there be another bus?
Jack Colton : Another bus? This is it.
[looks around a deserted, dirt mountain road]
Jack Colton : You've got rush hour.
Joan Wilder : I need to get to Cartagena.
Jack Colton : Cartagena? Angel, you are hell and gone from Cartagena. Cartagena's over there on the coast.
Joan Wilder : But they told me this bus...
Jack Colton : Who told you that? Who told you this bus was going to Cartagena?
Joan Wilder : That man...
Jack Colton : That nice man who pulled a gun on you? What else did he tell you?
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Jack Colton : I understand you have a car. We would like to buy it or rent it, we need to get to a town.
Juan : What do you call this I'm living in, a pigsty?
Jack Colton : Oh, no this is great...
Juan : Hit the road.
Jack Colton : No, senor, see we...
Juan : Hit-the-road.
Jack Colton : But we...
Juan : [points a gun at him] Vaya con dios, gringo.
Jack Colton : [Jack and Joan back off and turn around, to find that all of Juan's men have pulled guns on them too] Okay, Joan Wilder, write us out of this one.
Juan : Joan Wilder... Joan Wilder? *The* Joan Wilder?
[lowering gun, opening door and walking out]
Juan : You are Joan Wilder, the novelist?
Joan Wilder : Well, yes, I am.
Juan : I read your books! I read all your books!
[turning to his men, in Spanish]
Juan : This is Joan Wilder, who writes the books I read to you on Saturdays!
Bad Hombre : [awestruck] Juanita... Juanita, it's Juanita!
[all the men put away their guns and wave enthusiastically]
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Jack Colton : [looking at a photo of his dream yacht whilst lying in bed with Joan] Someday if I had the money, I'd take you... we'd sail away... around the world and back again. I promise you. I promise you we'll do that.
[they kiss and Joan holds Jack more tightly]
Joan Wilder : Why haven't you taken the map away from me?
Jack Colton : What are you talking about?
Joan Wilder : I saw that tree today, the Devil's Fork, it's on the map. You know how close we are?
Jack Colton : Yeah sure I do. What's that got to do with it?
Joan Wilder : I was thinking about something you said... about having more to bargain with.
Jack Colton : Yeah. The best way to help your sister is to get that treasure and if you waltz into Cartagena you're holding all the cards.
Joan Wilder : [looks at the picture of the yacht, then back at Jack] I'd love to see you on that boat. But Jack if we have to give it up... to save Elaine?
Jack Colton : Then we give it up. I mean it's your sister. Hell yeah. Of course we give it up. That's the point. At least we've got the leverage to do it.
Joan Wilder : [looks at the picture of the yacht again, then back at Jack] OK. OK. Let's got for it.
[they kiss]
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Joan Wilder : What about the bridge?
Jack Colton : That ain't a bridge. That's goddamned pre-Columbian art!
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Joan Wilder : You're leaving? You're leaving me?
Jack Colton : You're gonna be all right, Joan Wilder.
[they kiss]
Jack Colton : You always were.
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Jack Colton : Wait a minute, he's after you. Who the hell are you?
Joan Wilder : Well, I'm a romance novelist.
Jack Colton : You're what? What are you doing here?
Joan Wilder : I told you, my sister's life depends on me.
Jack Colton : Ah, don't give me that shit. I thought you were donating a kidney or something.
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[after reading Joan's new novel based on her adventure]
Gloria : Joanie, you are now a WORLD-CLASS hopeless romantic.
Joan Wilder : No, hopeful. Hopeful romantic.
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Jack Colton : [picking up a magazine] Dammit man, the Doobie Brothers broke up! Shit! When did that happen?
Joan Wilder : How long have you been down here?
Jack Colton : Forever.
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Joan Wilder : Which way to do we go?
Jack Colton : Follow that stone!
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Joan Wilder : You're a mondo dismo!
Jack Colton : I'm... what am I? I'm what?
Joan Wilder : You're a man who takes money from stranded women!
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Joan Wilder : Can we get there in your car?
Juan : Who told you I had a car?
Joan Wilder : The men in the village.
Juan : They told you I had a car? They are such comedians. They meant my little mule: Pepe.
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Joan Wilder : What do you want? Seriously, I'd really like to know.
Jack Colton : Came down here in a coffee boat, about a year and a half ago. Right. Christ, what job that was. But, I couldn't get over that ocean, though, you know. Yeah. I love the ocean. You know you just got to get out there - all by yourself - nobody else around. It's beautiful. So, that's what I want. Try to get enough money together to buy a boat and sail around the world.
Joan Wilder : So, you're just gonna sail away? All by yourself?
Jack Colton : Yeah.
Joan Wilder : Sounds lonely, Jack T. Colton. Well, what does the "T" stand for?
Jack Colton : Trustworthy.
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Joan Wilder : Well, wait a minute, now. Going for the stone was my idea.
Ralph : Ah, that's what all the good con artists want you to think. He made you think you needed it, you sap!
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Gloria : [sniffling while reading Joan's latest novel] Well, that is far and away your best book. I can't believe how fast you cranked this out.
Joan Wilder : So you really like it?
Gloria : Like it? What? Look at me. Look at me, I'm a mess. It made me cry. You tell anybody, I'll cut your heart out. I love the end where he dives off the high wall and swims away. Then he meets her at the airport. They sail off around the world together. God, I can't believe how this got to me.
Joan Wilder : Well, I was, uh, inspired.
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Gloria : [observing men in a bar] Wimp. Wimp. Loser. Loser. Major loser. Too angry. Too vague. Too desperate. God, too happy. Oh, look at this guy. Mr. Mondo Dismo. I actually used to date him. Total sleaze bucket. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold everything. Get a load of this character. What about him?
Joan Wilder : No, he's - he's just not...
Gloria : Who? Jessie?
Joan Wilder : Maybe it's silly, but, I know there is somebody out there for me.
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Joan Wilder : [Jack kills a snake by her head and removes its body] Is it, uh, poisonous?
Jack Colton : Yeah. But very tasty.
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Jack Colton : I think I'm going to throw another key on the fire.
Joan Wilder : No, please, I'm getting dizzy.
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Joan Wilder : What I would really like - would be a phone.
Juan : No. No. No. No. No phones. No phones. I hate phones. I don't have a phone. But, have a drink! Let's hang out!
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Jack Colton : [as he's about to leave Joan] All right. Here's what we got to do. Get to the American Consulate. Just tell them everything.
Joan Wilder : Where are you going?
Jack Colton : They might believe you, but just one thing: don't mention my name. Cartagena cops and I go way back.
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Joan Wilder : Well, you said you just lost everything you owned.
Jack Colton : Not my sense of humor.
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Joan Wilder : [following the treasure map and coming to an apparent dead end] Well, this... this can't be all. There's got to be another clue here.
Jack Colton : Yeah, well, landmarks change, things grow, all that stuff, you know?
Joan Wilder : [seeing something on the map] Oh.
[hearing rushing water nearby]
Joan Wilder : Hey, you hear that?
Jack Colton : Waterfall.
Joan Wilder : Look, Jack.
Jack Colton : [as she folds the map over itself, it creates an image of a waterfall] All right, Joan!
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Juan : See that river?
Jack Colton : What, the one without the bridge?
Juan : This river is the main water supply for many villages.
Joan Wilder : What do you mean the one without the bridge?
Juan : It feeds right into the Amazon.
Jack Colton : The one without the bridge! Where the hell are you going?
Juan : To Lupe's Escape. I used it many times in the past.
[taking out a remote control and pressing a button, a bridge raises and the jeep jumps over the river]
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Joan Wilder : What are you doing?
Jack Colton : I'm hot-wiring the car.
Joan Wilder : [pointing to the ignition] Try the key.
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Jack Colton : So they're ransoming your sister for this El Corazon. That's Spanish for "the heart." This map here leads to the heart. But the heart of what?
Joan Wilder : I don't care.
Jack Colton : You see here where it says this El Corazon is hidden in Cordoba province?
Joan Wilder : Mm-hmm.
Jack Colton : So, we're sitting right in the middle of it.
Joan Wilder : All I care about is my sister, and that map is her life.
Jack Colton : Like hell it is. Whatever's at the end of this map is your sister's life. Now, we get our hands on this El Corazon, then you got something to bargain with.
Joan Wilder : I knew it would happen.
Jack Colton : You knew what would happen?
Joan Wilder : All you care about is yourself, isn't it? I knew that from the first moment I laid eyes on you.
Jack Colton : Oh, was that the first moment when I saved your ass?
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Jack Colton : [after going over a waterfall] You okay?
Joan Wilder : [sarcastic] Oh, sure. I'm great. I'm fine! Only you're on that side!
Jack Colton : There's no way across this sucker!
Joan Wilder : You did this on purpose!
Jack Colton : What the hell are you talking about? We just went over a waterfall!
Joan Wilder : Admit it! You planned this all along! I knew I couldn't depend on you! I knew it!
Jack Colton : What's the name of that hotel in Cartagena?
Joan Wilder : Hotel Cartagena! What do you care?
Jack Colton : All right. Now, you just head towards the sunset, and you'll make it! And I'll be there!
Joan Wilder : Oh, yeah, sure. With El Corazon in your pocket. What about my sister?
Jack Colton : Well, they don't have to know about this. You got the map!
Joan Wilder : Well, you've got the stone!
Jack Colton : Yeah, but...
[ducking gunfire from Zolo and his men]
Jack Colton : I'll meet you there! Trust me!
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Gloria : Colombia? Do you have any idea what it's like in Colombia? I do. Your books do very well in these macho countries. They have jungles there, Joanie, insects the size of sanitation trucks. Revolutionaries. Have you had your shots?
Joan Wilder : Shots? What shots?
Gloria : You see? You're completely unprepared. Wait a minute. Just hold on. Would you tell me what's going on? Why are you doing this?
Joan Wilder : Elaine is in some trouble. She has a... little domestic problem.
Gloria : Domestic problem? Elaine's last domestic problem was finding her husband cut into small pieces. I'm not gonna let you do this. You cannot go!
Joan Wilder : [giving her a pet carrier] Here's Romeo. Now, I want you to promise me to feed him and hold him at least once a day.
[taking a small bottle of alcohol from a cabinet]
Joan Wilder : Gotcha.
Gloria : You're gonna need something stronger than that.
[cut to them leaving the building]
Gloria : Listen to me. You get bus-sick, seasick, plane-sick, train-sick. You practically puke riding on the escalator at Bloomingdale's, for God's sake!
Joan Wilder : Well, a lot of people get sick in department stores.
Gloria : Joanie, please don't go. You're not up to this, Joan, and you know it.
Joan Wilder : [hailing a taxi] I know. But she's my sister.
Gloria : [meaning Joan's cat Romeo] I'll feed him, but I'm not picking him up.
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Joan Wilder : Friendly, aren't they.
Jack Colton : Drug runners. Just try to look mean.
