Romancing the Stone (1984)

Danny DeVito: Ralph

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jack Colton : [Jack and Joan find the stone in a cave]  Jesus Christ, we're in a lot of trouble.

  Ralph : [surprising them, holding a gun]  Understatement of the year, asshole.

  Jack Colton : [to Joan]  Is there anybody who *isn't* following you?

  Ralph : Put the goods in the bag.

  [Jack surrenders the stone] 

  Ralph : Now move it, before Batman comes home.

• Ralph : Hey Ira, the kid's here with the broad. They're taking her out to the boat.

  Ira : Look at those snappers, will you!

  Ralph : We shoulda just rifled her room.

  Ira : Ralph, how many times do I have to tell you, "It's not in the country"?

  Ralph : Well this kidnapping stuff makes me real nervous. It's a piss poor idea. It's nothing but trouble. Look, we've stolen enough of these antique trinkets to keep us living comfortably for the rest of our lives. Let's kiss-off this third-world toilet.

  Ira : One last big one, trust me Ralph, trust me. Oh! Did you see that Ralph, that ugly, striped son-of-a-bitch down there!

  Ralph : Someone's gonna get killed, and you're farting around with prehistoric animals. Come on Ira, let's forget about this one. I've got a real bad feeling about it, real bad.

  Ira : Will you stop worrying. Have I ever hurt you? I will never hurt you, I can't hurt you. We've got the same blood. We're not two people, we are one person! Would I hurt me?

  [one of the alligators hisses] 

  Ira : Look at those snappers, Ralph!

• Zolo : Don't I know you?

  Ralph : No comprendo.

  Zolo : You are an American?

  Ralph : [changing to French accent to hide his identity]  Uh, odio, er... ah... americanos, uh... I spit on 'em, ptuh! I hate americanos, they're scumo! Scum!

  Zolo : Êtes-vous français?

• Ralph : I had it in my hands, Ira. These hands that are going to break every bone in your body.

  [Zolo points a gun at his face] 

  Ralph : ... later.

• Ralph : [to Jack]  Oh, oh *I'm* the creep, huh? Well at least I'm honest: I'm *stealing* this stone. I'm not trying to romance it out from under her.

• Ralph : Not only are we kidnappers, but I'm about to have a close encounter with a cattle prod!

• Ralph : [on the phone]  All right, cousin, as usual, you got us in some serious sh*t here. First of all, the stupid dame got on the wrong bus. Now, I'm stuck in some kind of Spic-o military compound. They're mobilizing for Iwo Jima here.

  Ira : Do they know who you are?

  Ralph : Oh, oh, do you think I'm going up an introducing myself to every cop in the pueblo?

• Joan Wilder : Well, wait a minute, now. Going for the stone was my idea.

  Ralph : Ah, that's what all the good con artists want you to think. He made you think you needed it, you sap!

• Ira : Of all the things you could say to me right now, "I lost her," Ralph, is gonna get the most teeth broken in your mouth.

  Ralph : Look, bullethead. If they're hiking through the jungle there's nothing I can do about it. I have a car. I am not Tarzan. I have been through every one-horse shithole for a two-hundred mile radius. You should have seen the river I had to traverse this morning. So don't give me any of your crap, you gutless wonder. You have been an embarrasment to our family ever since the day you were born! And let me tell you something else, Ira...

  [he turns and sees Joan and Jack getting out of a car] 

  Ralph : You are luckiest son of a bitch that ever walked the face of the earth! She's here!

  Ira : She's there!

  Ralph : She's right here! She's walking towards the phone. She's with some guy. How do I know? She likes guys! So do you, maricon!