Romancing the Stone (1984)
Michael Douglas: Jack Colton
Photos
Quotes
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Jack Colton : What did you do, wake up this morning and say, "Today, I'm going to ruin a man's life"?
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Joan Wilder : What is all this?
Jack Colton : All this? About five to life in the States, a couple of centuries down here.
Joan Wilder : Oh, marijuana.
Jack Colton : Oh, you smoke it?
Joan Wilder : [defensively] I went to college.
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Joan Wilder : These were Italian.
Jack Colton : Now they're practical.
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Jack Colton : My minimum price for taking a stranded lady to a telephone is 400 dollars.
Joan Wilder : Will you take 375 in traveler's checks?
Jack Colton : American Express?
Joan Wilder : Of course.
Jack Colton : You've got a deal.
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Joan Wilder : You're the best time I've ever had.
Jack Colton : I've never been anybody's best time.
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[last lines]
[Jack shows off his new crocodile skin boots made from the crocodile he has killed]
Joan Wilder : I like your boots.
Jack Colton : Yup, that poor old yellow-tailed guy... developed a fatal case of indigestion. He died right in my arms.
Joan Wilder : I can't blame him. If I were to die, there's nowhere on earth I'd rather be.
Jack Colton : I couldn't stop thinking about you. I even read one of your books.
Joan Wilder : Then you know how they all end.
Jack Colton : Yeah. Hi.
Joan Wilder : Hi.
[they kiss passionately]
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Joan Wilder : Excuse me, mister. Can you tell where can I get to a telephone?
Jack Colton : No, lady. I don't have any idea. I'm sorry.
Joan Wilder : But it's very important that I get to one.
Jack Colton : Well, we've all got our problems today. Don't we?
Joan Wilder : Can you tell me where the nearest town is?
Jack Colton : English speaking? How about Miami?
Joan Wilder : Will there be another bus?
Jack Colton : Another bus? This is it.
[looks around a deserted, dirt mountain road]
Jack Colton : You've got rush hour.
Joan Wilder : I need to get to Cartagena.
Jack Colton : Cartagena? Angel, you are hell and gone from Cartagena. Cartagena's over there on the coast.
Joan Wilder : But they told me this bus...
Jack Colton : Who told you that? Who told you this bus was going to Cartagena?
Joan Wilder : That man...
Jack Colton : That nice man who pulled a gun on you? What else did he tell you?
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Jack Colton : [Jack and Joan find the stone in a cave] Jesus Christ, we're in a lot of trouble.
Ralph : [surprising them, holding a gun] Understatement of the year, asshole.
Jack Colton : [to Joan] Is there anybody who *isn't* following you?
Ralph : Put the goods in the bag.
[Jack surrenders the stone]
Ralph : Now move it, before Batman comes home.
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Jack Colton : I understand you have a car. We would like to buy it or rent it, we need to get to a town.
Juan : What do you call this I'm living in, a pigsty?
Jack Colton : Oh, no this is great...
Juan : Hit the road.
Jack Colton : No, senor, see we...
Juan : Hit-the-road.
Jack Colton : But we...
Juan : [points a gun at him] Vaya con dios, gringo.
Jack Colton : [Jack and Joan back off and turn around, to find that all of Juan's men have pulled guns on them too] Okay, Joan Wilder, write us out of this one.
Juan : Joan Wilder... Joan Wilder? *The* Joan Wilder?
[lowering gun, opening door and walking out]
Juan : You are Joan Wilder, the novelist?
Joan Wilder : Well, yes, I am.
Juan : I read your books! I read all your books!
[turning to his men, in Spanish]
Juan : This is Joan Wilder, who writes the books I read to you on Saturdays!
Bad Hombre : [awestruck] Juanita... Juanita, it's Juanita!
[all the men put away their guns and wave enthusiastically]
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Jack Colton : Goddamn it, I knew I should've listened to my mother. I could've been a cosmetic surgeon, five hundred thou a year, up to my neck in tits and ass.
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Jack Colton : One hell of a morning has turned into a bitch of a day!
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Jack Colton : Now I ain't cheap, but I can be had.
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Jack Colton : [looking at a photo of his dream yacht whilst lying in bed with Joan] Someday if I had the money, I'd take you... we'd sail away... around the world and back again. I promise you. I promise you we'll do that.
[they kiss and Joan holds Jack more tightly]
Joan Wilder : Why haven't you taken the map away from me?
Jack Colton : What are you talking about?
Joan Wilder : I saw that tree today, the Devil's Fork, it's on the map. You know how close we are?
Jack Colton : Yeah sure I do. What's that got to do with it?
Joan Wilder : I was thinking about something you said... about having more to bargain with.
Jack Colton : Yeah. The best way to help your sister is to get that treasure and if you waltz into Cartagena you're holding all the cards.
Joan Wilder : [looks at the picture of the yacht, then back at Jack] I'd love to see you on that boat. But Jack if we have to give it up... to save Elaine?
Jack Colton : Then we give it up. I mean it's your sister. Hell yeah. Of course we give it up. That's the point. At least we've got the leverage to do it.
Joan Wilder : [looks at the picture of the yacht again, then back at Jack] OK. OK. Let's got for it.
[they kiss]
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Joan Wilder : What about the bridge?
Jack Colton : That ain't a bridge. That's goddamned pre-Columbian art!
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Joan Wilder : You're leaving? You're leaving me?
Jack Colton : You're gonna be all right, Joan Wilder.
[they kiss]
Jack Colton : You always were.
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Jack Colton : Wait a minute, he's after you. Who the hell are you?
Joan Wilder : Well, I'm a romance novelist.
Jack Colton : You're what? What are you doing here?
Joan Wilder : I told you, my sister's life depends on me.
Jack Colton : Ah, don't give me that shit. I thought you were donating a kidney or something.
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Jack Colton : [picking up a magazine] Dammit man, the Doobie Brothers broke up! Shit! When did that happen?
Joan Wilder : How long have you been down here?
Jack Colton : Forever.
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Jack Colton : [ducking bullets behind a boulder] The cops? What do they want? I haven't done anything lately!
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Joan Wilder : Which way to do we go?
Jack Colton : Follow that stone!
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Jack Colton : What's the matter, are you paralyzed from the neck up, or are you hurt?
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Joan Wilder : You're a mondo dismo!
Jack Colton : I'm... what am I? I'm what?
Joan Wilder : You're a man who takes money from stranded women!
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Joan Wilder : What do you want? Seriously, I'd really like to know.
Jack Colton : Came down here in a coffee boat, about a year and a half ago. Right. Christ, what job that was. But, I couldn't get over that ocean, though, you know. Yeah. I love the ocean. You know you just got to get out there - all by yourself - nobody else around. It's beautiful. So, that's what I want. Try to get enough money together to buy a boat and sail around the world.
Joan Wilder : So, you're just gonna sail away? All by yourself?
Jack Colton : Yeah.
Joan Wilder : Sounds lonely, Jack T. Colton. Well, what does the "T" stand for?
Jack Colton : Trustworthy.
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Joan Wilder : [Jack kills a snake by her head and removes its body] Is it, uh, poisonous?
Jack Colton : Yeah. But very tasty.
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Jack Colton : Lady, you are a jinx!
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Jack Colton : I think I'm going to throw another key on the fire.
Joan Wilder : No, please, I'm getting dizzy.
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Jack Colton : [as he's about to leave Joan] All right. Here's what we got to do. Get to the American Consulate. Just tell them everything.
Joan Wilder : Where are you going?
Jack Colton : They might believe you, but just one thing: don't mention my name. Cartagena cops and I go way back.
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[Zolo is interrogating Joan about El Corazon's whereabouts , threatening to feed her to the crocodiles by using her bleeding hand as a lure]
Jack Colton : Hey! Stop! Let her go! She is not telling you because she doesn't know where it is. *I've* got it.
Zolo : Where is it?
Jack Colton : [pause] It's in a safe place.
[Zolo motions to one of cronies, who hits Jack in the groin. There is a loud clang and Jack shakes the emerald down his pantleg. The emerald lands gently on Jack's foot]
Jack Colton : [coolly] Choke on it.
[Jack kicks up the stone into the air. Everyone watches El Corazon through the air in an impressive arch. Zolo catches the emerald before it falls into the water]
Zolo : [smiles] Thank you!
[a crocodile emerges and bites Zolo's hand]
Zolo : AAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
[the crocodile proceeds to scissor off Zolo's hand, swallowing the stone with it, leaving a bloody stump behind. Zolo screams in agony as Jack, Joan, Elaine and Iran and Raph watch in shock and horror]
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Joan Wilder : Well, you said you just lost everything you owned.
Jack Colton : Not my sense of humor.
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Jack Colton : What the hell are you doing?
[taking a small bottle from Joan]
Jack Colton : Drinking? I could've been killed, and you're drinking!
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Joan Wilder : [following the treasure map and coming to an apparent dead end] Well, this... this can't be all. There's got to be another clue here.
Jack Colton : Yeah, well, landmarks change, things grow, all that stuff, you know?
Joan Wilder : [seeing something on the map] Oh.
[hearing rushing water nearby]
Joan Wilder : Hey, you hear that?
Jack Colton : Waterfall.
Joan Wilder : Look, Jack.
Jack Colton : [as she folds the map over itself, it creates an image of a waterfall] All right, Joan!
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Juan : See that river?
Jack Colton : What, the one without the bridge?
Juan : This river is the main water supply for many villages.
Joan Wilder : What do you mean the one without the bridge?
Juan : It feeds right into the Amazon.
Jack Colton : The one without the bridge! Where the hell are you going?
Juan : To Lupe's Escape. I used it many times in the past.
[taking out a remote control and pressing a button, a bridge raises and the jeep jumps over the river]
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Joan Wilder : What are you doing?
Jack Colton : I'm hot-wiring the car.
Joan Wilder : [pointing to the ignition] Try the key.
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Jack Colton : So they're ransoming your sister for this El Corazon. That's Spanish for "the heart." This map here leads to the heart. But the heart of what?
Joan Wilder : I don't care.
Jack Colton : You see here where it says this El Corazon is hidden in Cordoba province?
Joan Wilder : Mm-hmm.
Jack Colton : So, we're sitting right in the middle of it.
Joan Wilder : All I care about is my sister, and that map is her life.
Jack Colton : Like hell it is. Whatever's at the end of this map is your sister's life. Now, we get our hands on this El Corazon, then you got something to bargain with.
Joan Wilder : I knew it would happen.
Jack Colton : You knew what would happen?
Joan Wilder : All you care about is yourself, isn't it? I knew that from the first moment I laid eyes on you.
Jack Colton : Oh, was that the first moment when I saved your ass?
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Jack Colton : [falling down a mudslide] Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, goddamn it! What a ride, huh? Whoo! I'm telling you, this is turning out to be one hell of a morning.
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Jack Colton : [after going over a waterfall] You okay?
Joan Wilder : [sarcastic] Oh, sure. I'm great. I'm fine! Only you're on that side!
Jack Colton : There's no way across this sucker!
Joan Wilder : You did this on purpose!
Jack Colton : What the hell are you talking about? We just went over a waterfall!
Joan Wilder : Admit it! You planned this all along! I knew I couldn't depend on you! I knew it!
Jack Colton : What's the name of that hotel in Cartagena?
Joan Wilder : Hotel Cartagena! What do you care?
Jack Colton : All right. Now, you just head towards the sunset, and you'll make it! And I'll be there!
Joan Wilder : Oh, yeah, sure. With El Corazon in your pocket. What about my sister?
Jack Colton : Well, they don't have to know about this. You got the map!
Joan Wilder : Well, you've got the stone!
Jack Colton : Yeah, but...
[ducking gunfire from Zolo and his men]
Jack Colton : I'll meet you there! Trust me!
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Jack Colton : [his and Joan's car is stuck in river rapids] Where you going? Quit steering. You're not going anywhere.
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Jack Colton : Señor, buenas tardes. ¿Tiene cuarto para una noche con baño?
Hotel Clerk : [in English] Yeah, all the rooms have baths.
Jack Colton : Oh, that's... that's great. You speak English, too. That's great.
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Joan Wilder : Friendly, aren't they.
Jack Colton : Drug runners. Just try to look mean.
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Jack Colton : [Jack and Joan are being fired upon by Zolo and his men] Cops! What the hell do they want? I haven't done anything... lately!
