The Beiderbecke Affair (1985)
James Bolam: Trevor Chaplin
Photos
Quotes
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[over school dinner, discussing the attempts to frighten them]
Trevor Chaplin : I still think it's a lot of fuss about a dead cat.
Jill Swinburne : *You* wouldn't have liked it.
Trevor Chaplin : I had a noose and I didn't scream.
Jill Swinburne : You big brave macho incredible hulk, you.
Trevor Chaplin : I just got up on the desk and took it down.
[Trevor chuckles]
Trevor Chaplin : As my mother used to say, "no noose is good noose".
Jill Swinburne : Gordon Bennett!
Trevor Chaplin : You don't even like cats.
Jill Swinburne : It's not the cat. It's the death aspect.
Trevor Chaplin : I wonder if they killed it specially, or just found it somewhere.
Jill Swinburne : Ooh, that's awful.
Trevor Chaplin : I'm just making a rational analysis of the situation.
Jill Swinburne : I think it's the same sort of dead cat as they use in that.
[Jill looks at Trevor's dinner; Trevor pushes his plate away in revulsion]
Jill Swinburne : I think somebody is trying to frighten us. Successfully.
Trevor Chaplin : Mmm-hmm!
Jill Swinburne : You're frightened?
Trevor Chaplin : Oh yes. I only *pretend* to be brave.
Jill Swinburne : I think I might need somebody to give me cuddle tonight.
Trevor Chaplin : Me too.
Jill Swinburne : See Mrs Swinburne in her classroom after school.
Trevor Chaplin : You what? I'm not going in *her* classroom - it's full of dead cats!
Jill Swinburne : I don't find that funny, Trevor.
Trevor Chaplin : No. I don't suppose it was a barrel of laughs for the cat, either.
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Trevor Chaplin : Did the earth move, Darling?
Jill Swinburne : No, but the dressing table twitched a few times.
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Trevor Chaplin : It's two years exactly...
Jill Swinburne : Two years exactly since I dragged you into bed for the first time and slaked my lust on your body.
Mr Carter : Education is wonderful, isn't it?
Jill Swinburne : Yes. I wonder why we're all teachers - seems such a waste.
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Trevor Chaplin : [reads from instruction manual] "Applicate the component A to bracket B with appropriate screwing." Have you tried that?
Mr Carter : I daren't - not in front of the children.
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[rehearsing Jill's election address over the tannoy]
Trevor Chaplin : My friends, vote for Jill Swinburne. A vote for Swinburne is a vote for freedom... what's more, she's terrific in bed!
Jill Swinburne : Give me that, you stupid pillock.
Trevor Chaplin : Shh. The neighbours might hear.
Jill Swinburne : How do you switch it off?
Trevor Chaplin : You switch the switch marked "switch".
Jill Swinburne : You've probably lost me the election.
Trevor Chaplin : I might have *won* you the election!
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Jill Swinburne : D'you fancy going out tonight? Belated anniversary celebration.
Trevor Chaplin : What is it? "Save the whale" or "single-parent families"?
Jill Swinburne : I've got no kids - I can't be a single-parent family.
Trevor Chaplin : Have you considered fostering a blue whale? Solve two problems.
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[Sergeant Hobson has warned Big Al that using the church crypt as a warehouse contravenes planning regulations]
Big Al : The town planners have moved in like a wolf on the fold.
Trevor Chaplin : I believe they tend to do that.
Big Al : If we don't get all that gear out of the church basement by the weekend, we're all pencilled-in for deportation, solitary confinement, loss of privileges, discharge with ignominy, boiling in oil... or a small fine.
Trevor Chaplin : All that for breaking the town planning regulations?
Big Al : I think you get a choice - I haven't studied the small-print.
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[Helen has invited Trevor for lunch to meet her parents]
Helen : Mother's been up half the night with her stroganoff.
Trevor Chaplin : [flippantly] Well, what use is money if you haven't got your health?