- Dr. Oliver Ludwig: There are over 20 bodily fluids present in the human body and I am proud to say I have tasted all of them.
- Dr. Walter Rist: ...I thought that you were uh, musically inclined. Do you ever sing? You know or play any, uh, any instrument?
- Angelo: Fuckin' guitar.
- Dr. Walter Rist: Is that a, a special kind of guitar?
- Angelo: No, it's regular.
- P.A. Announcer: Your attention, please. Due to a mix-up in urology no apple juice will be served this morning.
- Dr. Charles Litto: [introducing himself] Charles Litto. Chicago. Anesthesiologist. Because I like to pass gas.
- Dr. Oliver Ludwig: The human being emits, oozes, secretes, excretes, salivates, urinates, menstruates, lactates. He evacuates, expectorates and ejaculates.
- Floyd Kurtzman: You left out regurgitates.
- Doctor in Office: Let me see if I have this straight. You were shaving. You slipped. You cut your nose off. You then dropped your razor and you cut your toe off. The doctor made a mistake and he sewed your toe onto your face. And your nose onto your foot. And you're complaint is that every time you sneeze you blow your shoe off?
- Floyd Kurtzman: But don't worry! There will be no pressure. It'll be just like any other operation you've never done.
- P.A. Announcer: Your attention, please. Dr. Prang will not be performing the operation today. He went meshuggah.
- Dr. Joseph Prang: I've been talking to your fellow interns. They think you're quite an asshole.
- [pause]
- Dr. Joseph Prang: I like that.
- Dr. Stephanie Brody: [quoting Simon] 'A romance at this point would be ludicrous and counterproductive to our studies.'
- Dr. Simon August: I guess that... might have sounded a little... stuffy, Stephie.
- Dr. Stephanie Brody: Slightly, Simon.
- P.A. Announcer: Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper. Please report to the diabetes ward at once.
- Angelo: [dressed as Angela] My father didn't take me out a lot, you know? There was the track and there was Vegas, but like a fuckin' museum or a fuckin' concert? Fuckin' forget it then.
- Dr. Walter Rist: Were you ever sad that you were denied those things?
- Angelo: You grow up fuckin' insensitive, you know?
- Dr. Joseph Prang: Nice, doctor. While I'm down here trying to save this man's life, you're up there making FART jokes.
- Dr. Joseph Prang: [instructing the interns] She has a very strange pain in her nose. We'll have to examine her.
- [turns to patient]
- Dr. Joseph Prang: All right, you want to spread your nostrils for me?
- Dr. Simon August: [looking at random surgical instrument just handed to him by Dr. Kurtzman] What's this?
- Floyd Kurtzman: I don't know!
- Dr. Simon August: Then take it back.