Victor/Victoria (1982)

Robert Preston: Carole 'Toddy' Todd

Photos 

Quotes 

• Toddy : [to the dancers on stage after they drop him]  You bitches.

• Victoria : The bourguignon was just a little tough.

  Waiter : Maybe the way you are eating your jaws are getting tired.

  Toddy : Speaking of overworked jaws, why don't you treat yours to a sabbatical and fetch me a wine list?

  Victoria : [holding up a glass]  This is all they have.

  Toddy : This? The last time I saw a specimen like this, they had to shoot the horse!

  Waiter : [irritated]  How lucky can you get? In one evening a Rockefeller... and a Groucho Marx.

  Toddy : Oh, they didn't shoot a real horse... just a costume with two waiters in it.

  Waiter : I shall think of a sharp retort while I am getting your roast chicken.

  Toddy : It's a wise man who knows when to throw in the towel.

  Waiter : And it is a moron who gives advice to a horse's arse.

• Victoria : How long have you been a homosexual?

  Toddy : How long have you been a soprano?

  Victoria : Since I was 12.

  Toddy : I was a late bloomer.

• [Trying to explain why she can't pass for a man] 

  Victoria : Men have Adam's apples.

  Toddy : So do some women.

  Victoria : Name one.

  Toddy : Nana Lanu.

  Victoria : Nana Lanu, who's she?

  Toddy : The last woman I slept with.

  Victoria : When was that?

  Toddy : The night before the morning I decided to become a homosexual.

• Norma : You're kidding? You really are... queer?

  Toddy : Ah! We prefer "gay".

  Norma : But... you're so... attractive.

  [Toddy chuckles] 

  Norma : . Well, I just think it's a terrible waste.

  [Toddy laughs heartily] 

  Toddy : Well, if it's any consolation, I assure you it is not wasted.

  Norma : You know... I think that the right woman could reform you.

  Toddy : You know, I think that the right woman could reform you, too.

  Norma : Me? Give up men? Forget it!

  Toddy : You took the words right out of my mouth.

• [Victoria is crying & Toddy is holding her] 

  Toddy : God, there'd been times I'd given my soul to cry like that.

  Victoria : [sobs]  I hate it!

  Toddy : You wouldn't if you couldn't do it anymore.

• Labisse : If you ever come back, I will have you thrown out.

  Toddy : Don't make it sound like such a threat. Being thrown out of a place like this is significantly better than being thrown out of a leper colony.

• Toddy : Oh, God, there's nothing more inconvenient than an old queen with a head cold.

• Toddy : You know, it's very strange. At the club, I thought you were just about at the end of your rope.

  Victoria : Oh, I was. I am! This is the first decent meal I've had in almost four days.

  Toddy : And you can't pay for it?

  Victoria : [makes breaking motion with hands]  Caseé!

  Toddy : [chuckling]  And you want me to have dinner with you?

  Victoria : I want you to have the best damn dinner you ever had. Have two! I started off with the roast chicken and I segued to boeuf bourguignon. It's anybody's guess what I could end up with.

  Toddy : Oh, I'd guess about thirty days.

  Victoria : If all goes well, I expect to leave here poor, but sated. I have a... a bug in my purse. At the appropriate moment, it goes in my salad.

  Toddy : It'll never work.

  Victoria : A bug in my salad?

  Toddy : In a place like this, it would be an event if there WASN'T a bug in your salad.

  Victoria : What about a... cockroach?

  Toddy : [shocked]  A cockroach!

  Victoria : Shhh! Bigger than your thumb!

  Toddy : Ew, God!

• Victoria : I know this is going to sound crazy, but I don't know if I'm even gonna be able to *sleep*, I'm so tired.

  Toddy : I'll get you a cognac.

  Victoria : That'll help me sleep?

  Toddy : No, but it makes staying awake a hell of a lot more fun.

• [Victoria's audition has been rejected] 

  Victoria : In spite of what you think, Monsieur Labisse, there are professions where practice *does* make perfect.

  [she hits a high note, causing Labisse's wine glass to shatter, and leaves angrily] 

  Labisse : What in hell was that?

  Toddy : B flat.

• Toddy : Thank you, thank you, you're most kind. In fact, you're every kind. I see we have a celebrity with us tonight. Miss Simone Kallisto, star of stage, screen, and an occasional circus. Take a bow, darling.

  Simone Kallisto : Up yours, cherie.

  Toddy : And speaking of the circus, aren't you Richard Dinardo, the well-known trapeze artist?

  Richard DiNardo : [dangerously]  Careful, Toddy.

  Madame President : You're not really funny, y'know. So why don't ya just piss off?

  Toddy : [to her husband]  You. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, bringing your sweet old mother into a place like this.

• Toddy : You're all wonderful! And I never want to see any of you again!

• Toddy : [singing]  When people speak of Gay Paree / They think that when they say Paree is gay / They mean that Gay Paree is "Gay!" / It is not in the way Paree was gay in yesterday Paree / It means today that Gay Paree *is* Gay.

  [the pianist plays the Fairy Waltz. Toddy stops him] 

  Toddy : [spoken]  Not that gay.

• Norma : I just love Frenchmen.

  Toddy : Oh, so do I!

• Victoria : You know, pretending to be a man does have its disadvantages.

  [Victoria goes into the bathroom, leaving Toddy alone in bed] 

  Toddy : [wistfully]  My dear Count, you just said a cotton pickin' mouthful.

• Victoria : I was the leading soprano for the Bath Touring Light Opera Company...

  Toddy : You're very athletic for a soprano.

  Victoria : That's because I had three brothers.

  Toddy : Oh, I know what you mean. I grew up with two older sisters.

• Toddy : Au revoir.

  Norma : Me too.

• Toddy : Are you impugning this lady's integrity?

  Waiter : She's impugning my salad.

• 'Squash' Bernstein : Apparently the mob doesn't find homosexuality to be an acceptable lifestyle...

  Toddy : Kill him, but mustn't kiss him.

• Victoria : All I want is a nice hot bath.

  Toddy : Oh, I had one once. You'll love it.

• [to Victoria] 

  Toddy : Now, when you're dancing, remember, make it *broader*, with *tons* of shoulder. Remember, you're a Drag Queen!

• Victoria : Let me ask you a question.

  Toddy : You want to know if I'm a homosexual.

  Victoria : No. I want to know if you're a hypochondriac.

• Toddy : You were willing to compromise your virtue for a meatball!

  Victoria : Well, I was out of my mind at the time, and at least it was something for something.

• Toddy : I know what you're thinking... and you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

• Cassell's Receptionist : You're wasting your time.

  Toddy : Oh, no, you are wasting it.

• Toddy : You look better in Richard's clothes than he does. Of course, he looks better out of them.

• Toddy : What's wrong?

  Victoria : "What's wrong?" What's right? A woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman?

  Toddy : Ridiculous.

  Victoria : lt's preposterous.

  Toddy : In fact, it's so preposterous, no one would ever believe it.

  Victoria : And you you expect them to believe Count - what's his name?

  Toddy : Grazinski.

  Victoria : Grazinski, a gay, Polish female impersonator.

  Toddy : Darling, all anyone has to believe is that you're a man. To convince an audience that an illusion is real - the magician creates a plausible diversion. Count Grazinski is our plausible diversion.

• Victoria : Who's King Marchand?

  Andre Cassell : Among other things, he's the most successful nightclub owner in Chicago.

  Toddy : And the other things?

  Andre Cassell : Oh, nothing worth mentioning if you want to stay alive.

• Victoria : Toddy, I don't know how to act like a man.

  Toddy : Contrary to the popular conception of how a man acts, there are all sorts of men who act in all sorts of ways.

  Victoria : I mean, as opposed to the way *women* act.

  Toddy : I am personally acquainted with at least a dozen men who act exactly like women - and vice versa.

• Victoria : Did Miss Lanoux have a big Adam's apple?

  Toddy : Like a coconut!

• Victoria : There are just some things that are *naturally* masculine.

  Toddy : Name one.

  Victoria : Um. Um. Peeing standing up.

  Toddy : Oh, on the other hand, there's absolutely no rule that says a man can't sit down.

• Victoria : Oh, God! I'll never make it.

  Toddy : Now, listen to me, from the beginning we've had two major obstacles to overcome.

  Victoria : My bosom.

  Toddy : First, to convince everyone that you're a man. Now, so far, we've done that.

  Victoria : It's been damn uncomfortable.

  Toddy : What has?

  Victoria : Strapping down my bosom.

  Toddy : Now, all you've got to do is to get out and show them what a great entertainer you are and you'll be a star for the next 20 years.

  Victoria : Toddy, if I have to strap down my bosom for the next 20 years they're gonna end up looking like two empty wallets.

• Andre Cassell : [during the standing ovation after Victoria's premiere "Drag" performance]  Bravo!

  Toddy : Brava!

• Toddy : What did you think of King Marchand?

  Victoria : King Marchand is an arrogant, opinionated, chauvinistic pain in the ass.

  Toddy : I think I could fall in love with him.

  Victoria : I think I could, too.

• Toddy : One bedroom, one bed, promotes the illusion that we're lovers.

  Victoria : Well, if for some reason we decide we'd rather sleep apart, there's more than enough room in the bathtub.

  Toddy : Yes. And if we have an overnight guest, he can always stretch out in the bidet.

• Victoria : I - love you.

  Toddy : I love you, too, sir.

• Toddy : Oh, the bathroom is a religious experience.

  Victoria : I can hardly wait.

• Toddy : [brings a cognac]  Here. Guaranteed to lift your spirits and warm your cockles.

  Victoria : That's my trouble. I don't have any cockles.

• Victoria : You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

  Toddy : Shame is an unhappy emotion invented by pietists in order to exploit the human race.

• Victoria : You don't believe in shame?

  Toddy : I believe in happiness.

• Toddy , Victoria : [singing]  You and me, We're the kind of people other people, Would like to be, Wandering free...