My Favorite Year (1982)

Peter O'Toole: Alan Swann

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Alan Swann has blundered into the wrong restroom] 

  Lil : This is for ladies only!

  Alan Swann : [unzipping fly]  So is *this*, ma'am, but every now and then I have to run a little water through it.

• Swann : You see, people like me, we're targets. I'm blamed for a lot of things I had absolutely nothing to do with. On the other hand, because of who I am, I get away with murder in other areas. I suppose it all balances out in the end.

• Alan Swann : Our audiences are great.

  Alan Swann : Audience? What audience? Audience?

  Benjy Stone : You knew there was an audience. What did you think those seats were for?

  Alan Swann : I haven't performed in front of an audience in 28 years! Audience? I played a butler. I had one line! I forgot it.

  Benjy Stone : Don't worry, this is gonna be easy.

  Alan Swann : For you, maybe. Not for me. I'm not an actor, I'm a movie star!

• Alan Swann : Stone... I'm afraid. I'm afraid. That's why I couldn't get out of the car to see my Tess, my child.

  Benjy Stone : Alan Swann, afraid? The Defender of the Crown? Captain from Tortuga? The Last Knight of the Round Table?

  Alan Swann : Those are movies, damn you! Look at me! I'm flesh and blood, life-size, no larger! I'm not that silly God-damned hero! I never was!

  Benjy Stone : To *me* you were! Whoever you were in those movies, those silly goddamn heroes meant a lot to *me*! What does it matter if it was an illusion? It worked! So don't tell me this is you life-size. I can't use you life-size. I need Alan Swanns as big as I can get them! And let me tell you something: you couldn't have convinced me the way you did unless somewhere in you you *had* that courage! Nobody's that good an actor! You *are* that silly goddamn hero!

• [an obviously drunken Swann meets the writing staff] 

  Sy : He's plastered!

  Alan Swann : So are some of the finest erections in Europe.

• Swann : Comedy is such a mystery to me. I feel the way Edmund Kean did.

  Benjy Stone : The great English actor?

  Swann : Mmm. On his death bed, Kean was asked how he felt. He answered, "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

• Alan Swann : Rookie, your Meatloaf Mindanao was superb!

  Rookie Carroca : Thanks. That takes two days to prepare, you know.

  Alan Swann : Really! Tell me, what was that rather pungent taste?

  Rookie Carroca : Parrot!

  [someone spits up and Aunt Sadie swoons; the parrot cage is empty] 

  Rookie Carroca : And they're not easy to work with. They put up some squawk.

  Alan Swann : I can imagine!

• Uncle Morty : So, Mr. Swann, now that we sat nice, broke bread together, shared a glass of wine, I feel I know you a little.

  Swann : Morty, I feel I know you even better.

  Uncle Morty : Good! Then you won't mind if I ask you a question?

  Benjy Stone : Uncle Morty!

  Uncle Morty : What are you worried? It's not personal. What was I - born in Minsk or Pinsk? I know my way around.

  Swann : Morty, ask your question.

  Uncle Morty : That paternity rap a couple of years ago - did you shtupp her? Did you go all the way? What? What?

• [Alan Swann pours himself a drink] 

  Benjy Stone : Mr. Swann, I was supposed to watch you, remember?

  Swann : Good. Watch this.

  [Pours another drink] 

• Alan Swann : We'll be two for dinner. Telephone the Stork Club.

  Alfi : You sure you mean the Stork Club, Mr. Swann?

  Alan Swann : Certainly. It's been a year and a half. Surely they've repaired the wall of the bandstand by now.

• Alan Swann : Are you still in the fight game?

  Rookie Carroca : In a way. I married Benjy's mother.

• K.C. : Benjamin, we're in the middle of an interesting conversation, here.

  Benjy Stone : Oh, I bet it's *real* interesting. What's the subject of this *interesting* conversation?

  Alan Swann : [gazing deep into K.C's eyes]  These eyes. They're Merle Oberon's eyes.

  Benjy Stone : Merle Oberon's! Oh, and what's Merle doing for eyes? Using Katharine Hepburn's?

• Swann : [waking up]  What is the time?

  girl in bed : I don't know. Don't you have a watch?

  Swann : No. I'm not allowed to wear a watch.

  girl in bed : Why not?

  Swann : I don't trust them.

  girl in bed : Why?

  Swann : One hand is shorter than the other.

• Alan Swann : [a very drunken Stone and Swann looking down from the roof at an apartment balcony below]  Now, all we have to do is get from here - to there.

  Benjy Stone : It won't work!

  Alan Swann : It worked perfectly well in "A Slight Case of Divorce"!

  Benjy Stone : That was a movie! This is real life!

  Alan Swann : What is the difference?

• Swann : What's in a name? A rose by any other name would wither and die.

• Swann : [watching a movie]  Oh, good God! It's Renfield! I thought he was dead!

  [Renfield's character "dies" on screen] 

  Swann : Oh, yes! So he is!

• Alan Swann : Stone, women love to be intrigued. They enjoy unraveling the mystery that is man, but you must allow them the freedom to discover you.

  Benjy Stone : Is that what you do?

  Alan Swann : No. I don't have that luxury. The women who are interested in me know exactly who I am and what they want, and nine times out of ten, they get it.

  Benjy Stone : That's some curse.

  Alan Swann : You'd be surprised. You see, no matter what I do, I can never fulfill their expectations.

• Benjy Stone : Mr. Swann, I think I'm going to be unwell.

  Swann : Stone, ladies are unwell. Gentlemen vomit.

  Benjy Stone : Mm-hm.

  Swann : [to a random gentleman]  Alfredo, you needn't wait. We shan't need the car any more. We're going to throw up in the park and then walk home.

• Belle : Something to drink before dinner?

  Swann : Some soda water.

  Belle : [yelling into the kitchen]  Rookie, a glass of seltzer!

  Rookie Carroca : [yelling back]  Pick it up!

• Sy : Leo, it gets me sick to think we gotta put up with some washed-up jaboni who's gonna be running around Central Park with his schlong hangin' out!

  Alan Swann : My dear fellow, what I choose to do with my schlong is my business.

  Sy : [who didn't know Swann had entered]  How's business?

  Alan Swann : Never better.

• Sy : A week's salary, Swann takes a dive. Hey, Swann dive! Bam-Boom!

  Benjy Stone : You're on!

  Swann : [Wakes up, stands up]  Double the lad's bet for me, you toad!

  [Passes out] 

• Alan Swann : Who is that gorgeous-looking creature over there?

  Curt : Oh, no, Mr. Swann. This is exactly the way it started last time.

  Alan Swann : In that case, we'll just order dinner... for now.

• Swann : We'll talk over dinner.

  Benjy Stone : Me? You? The Stork Club?

  Swann : Well, after that rather eloquent speech you made earlier this morning, I didn't think you'd mind having dinner with me.

  Benjy Stone : You heard that? But, you were out?

  Swann : There's out and there's out.

• K.C. : If there's anything you need, I can take care of it for you.

  Swann : Anything?

  K.C. : Within reason.

  Swann : Well, let's begin with some tea and see where that leads us.

• Swann : By-the-by, Stone, where is this - Brooklyn?

  Benjy Stone : Another world.

• Benjy Stone : This is live television.

  Swann : Live? Live? What does live mean?

  Benjy Stone : It means the exact moment your cavorting and leaping around that stage over there, 20 million people are seeing it.

  Swann : What a minute. What a minute!

  Benjy Stone : Swann, you're white.

  Swann : You mean it all goes into the camera lens and then just spills out into people's houses?

  Benjy Stone : Yeah.

  Swann : Why is it nobody had the goodness to explain this to me before?

• [Handing Benjy a glass] 

  Alan Swann : Stone, you can watch me or you can join me. One of them is more fun.

• Swann : [looking at a smashed liquor bottle]  That's a sad sight!

• Benjy Stone : What are you doing?

  Alan Swann : Drinking and leaving!

• Scalfoni : Scalfoni, 1R. You're the best!

  Swann : How did you get into the building?

  Scalfoni : I'm the Super.

• Benjy Stone : Why did you marry so many of them?

  Swann : Stone, I didn't marry any of them. They - married me.

• Swann : Stone, I want you to know that this morning I had absolutely no idea I was in the process of inserting myself into an arrangement that already existed between you and Miss Downing.

  Benjy Stone : Would it have made any difference?

  Swann : No.

• Swann : Are you in love with the girl?

  Benjy Stone : I think I am. But, I don't know what she wants.

  Swann : Romance, Stone. That's the only thing that you can be sure they all want.

• Swann : This is the most fun and the hardest work I've done since the world was young.

• Swann : Our needs must take leave of you, for Stone and I journey to dine in some far off land called Brooklyn.

• Benjy Stone : Mr. Swann, may I tell you something? Benjy Stone is not who he seems to be.

  Swann : Who is Stone, who is?

• Benjy Stone : Is that think or drink?

  Swann : Yes!

• Lil : [to Swann, referring to the bathroom he just entered]  This is for ladies only!

  Alan Swann : [SFX: Swann's fly unzipping, as he looks right at Lil]  So is this, ma, but every now and then I have to run a little water through it.

• Belle : Mr. Swann...

  Swann : Alan, please. And what may I call you?

  Belle : How 'bout, yours?

• Belle : Shame on you, Swannee.

  Swann : Yes, you're right Belle. Shame on me, in deed.

• Benjy Stone : Mr. Swann!

  Swann : Oh my god, it's Stoneburger. Will you ever let me alone?

• Uncle Morty : So, Mr. Swan, now that we sat nice, broke bread together, shared a glass of wine, I feel I know you a bit

  Swann : Morty, I feel I know you better

  Uncle Morty : Good. Then you won't mind if I ask you a question.

  Benjy Stone : Uncle Morty!

  Uncle Morty : What are you worried? Its not personal. What was I, born in Minsk Skapinsk? I know my way around.

  Swann : Morty, ask your question.

  Uncle Morty : That paternity rap a couple of years ago, did you shtup her?

  Benjy Stone : Morty!

  Uncle Morty : Did you go all the way?

• Maitre D' : Ah, Mr. Swan, it's a pleasure to see you, sir.

  Alan Swann : It's a pleasure to be seen.