Stir Crazy (1980)

Gene Wilder: Skip Donahue

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Skip Donahue : What are you doing?

  Harry Monroe : I'm gettin bad. You better get bad, Jack, 'cause if you ain't bad, you're gonna get fucked.

• Warden Walter Beatty : You're gonna represent Glenboro prison in the annual Top Hand-competition. Congratulations!

  Skip Donahue : Oh! Oh, my god! Warden! I can't do that!

  Warden Walter Beatty : What in the hell are you talking about...?

  Skip Donahue : Well, I should have told you in your office! My mother was a veterinarian! I can't have anything to do with the exploitation of animals, she'd turn over in her grave!

  Warden Walter Beatty : I don't believe you heard me correctly. This is very important to me!

  Skip Donahue : Important to you? My mother is watching over every step I make! Do you know that my soul is on the line here...? So let's just drop...

  [looks up] 

  Skip Donahue : What? I said no. Whoa, I told him no! Ma, are you crazy, I have witnesses... All right, we'll talk about it in my cell!

  [looks at the warden] 

  Skip Donahue : Uhm... I have to go to the bathroom. Would you excuse me, warden?

  [looks up at the sky again, and walks off] 

• Skip Donahue : This filthy, roach-ridden reality is inspiring... what did that second policeman say to you when he grabbed you by the throat?

  Harry Monroe : Man, I don't fucking believe you!

  Skip Donahue : "Man, I don't fucking believe you!" Fabulous!

  Harry Monroe : You don't get it, Skip, do ya? You think this is The Count Of Monte Cristo or something, man? We're in trouble. This is the real deal! We're in deep shit!

  Skip Donahue : Harry, you and I are innocent. You know that. I know that. And somewhere outside, the two guys who really pulled that bank job know it too.

  Harry Monroe : But, the cops don't know it!

• Skip Donahue : We tried to teach him charades! He didn't get it! He just didnt get it!

• Harry Monroe : [jive walking into a crowded jail cell]  That's right. That's right. We bad. That's right. We don't want no shit either. That's right!

  Skip Donahue : Darn right.

  Harry Monroe : We don't want not shiiiiiit! You understand. We don't take too much shit. We take a little bit. We don't take a bunch of it.

  Skip Donahue : Damn right!

  Harry Monroe : That's right.

  [to Skip] 

  Harry Monroe : Say, no shit.

  Skip Donahue : No - shit!

  Harry Monroe : That's right.

  [to Skip] 

  Harry Monroe : No shit. Try it again.

  Skip Donahue : We don't take no shit.

  Harry Monroe : Shit.

  Skip Donahue : No shit, writ.

  Harry Monroe : Shiiit!

  Skip Donahue : We ain't shit!

  Harry Monroe : You better believe it, baby.

• Big Mean : What's the charge?

  Harry Monroe : Innocent.

  Big Mean : Ain't we all?

  Harry Monroe : Bank robbery?

  Big Mean : Oh, shit.

  Harry Monroe : Ooooh, shit!

  Big Mean : You can kiss the baby.

  Harry Monroe : Kiss the baby?

  Skip Donahue : [to Big Mean]  What baby is that sir?

  Big Mean : Ask your lawyer.

  [laughs and walks away] 

• Len Garber : How have you been getting along?

  Skip Donahue : Swell! Just swell. A few ups and downs. You know, people see movies about prison life; but, until you've actually spent a little time here, it's hard to get the real flavor of what it's like. I think more Americans should spend a little time behind bars, so they would understand that.

  Len Garber : Well, more Americans probably will.

• Meredith : Remember the little girl in the bank? She is ready to swear that you weren't the ones in the woodpecker suits when the bank was held up. And she remembers that one of the robbers had a tattoo! She even remembers the design. Neither, neither of you has a tattoo, do you?

  Skip Donahue : No.

  Meredith : Good! I'll check the tattoo artists in the area. Oh, by the way, there's a raunchy strip joint in town where tattooed guys hang out. I'm going to try for a part-time job there.

• Skip Donahue : I want a bigger cell! With better ventilation!

  Deputy Ward Wilson : Why? Grossberger been fartin' on ya?

• Skip Donahue : [in a crowded department store]  Hi. Hello. Excuse me, dear. May I talk with you for just one minute?

  Susan : Up your kazoo!

  Skip Donahue : [laughs]  Up my! Please, I'm not trying to be a pest. I know that you're an actress.

  Susan : Who are you?

  Skip Donahue : My name is Skip Donahue. I'm a playwright and I saw you do a scene from "Romeo and Juliet" at the Wilson Workshop. I want you to know that you were wonderful. I'm not just saying it to be kind. You were really lovely.

  Susan : If you don't get out of my way, I'm going to kick you in the nuts!

  Skip Donahue : [laughs]  Kick! In the nuts! You're fantastic. I mean the way you can switch characters like that. The difference between this and your Juliet is fabulous. By the way, dear, I know that you're not wearing anything underneath that coat.

  Susan : What?

  Skip Donahue : I also know that you're a shoplifter, part-time.

  Susan : What are you? Some kind of a looney tune?

  Skip Donahue : No, I'm the store detective, here, part-time.

• Skip Donahue : I want to get out of this place! Let's go some place! We can just head out west. We could grab odd jobs along the way. Build up a wonderful little nest egg. And then head for Hollywood! That's the place for you and me! Picture it, Harry. Harry and Skip in the Sunbelt. Out there, in the Sunbelt, you just smile and they pour money out on you. And the women! Oh, God. The women. Natural. Robust! Open. Carefree. Uninhibited. Healthy!

• Jesus Ramirez : They accused me of robbing several banks. But, no way! I was drunk and all; but, I'm positive I only robbed one bank. How about you?

  Skip Donahue : Oh, my friend and I were doing this song and dance act...

  Jesus Ramirez : Oh, must have been pretty bad.

• Skip Donahue : I wonder what triggered all that violence? He seems so gentle. I see what it is. Nobody has ever just sat down and honestly talked to that man. Poor kid.

• Skip Donahue : Did you sleep any better last night?

  Harry Monroe : No. I got a couple of winks between nightmares.

• Skip Donahue : Okay, just picture this. You and me - and two girls. Romping through the desert. Splashing into the ocean. And the moonlight is out. And, we just catch a glimpse of their bodies when the moonlight hits their breasts. And we watch those breasts just bounce gently - to and fro.

  Harry Monroe : And sand?

  Skip Donahue : After the water, we go on the sand; but, we'll have a blanket.

  Harry Monroe : Seriously, man.

  Skip Donahue : You tell me I'm serious! That's what I'm trying to tell ya!

  Harry Monroe : Let's go!

  Skip Donahue : Okay! California! Here I come!

• Sheriff : Would you mind stepping downtown with us and lookin' at some mug shots. Maybe you can identify those guys.

  Bank Teller : There they are! The New Yorkers!

  Skip Donahue : Is there anything we can do to help?

• Skip Donahue : Is there not some lightning stroke you can use to cut through all this garbage? This isn't funny anymore. Do they know I hate confinement?

• Skip Donahue : Alright, now listen to me. A kid tried that stuff at me once at Camp Minneconnie in Vermont and I hit him so hard that his braces ripped the whole upper part of his lip. His mother had to come and get him in the middle of the season!

• Skip Donahue : The fact is that you were railroaded! Just one more example of a repressive criminal justice system coming down on the bottom layer of society.

  Meredith : Well, I don't know about the bottom part; but, I couldn't agree with you more on the rest.

• Blade : What you doin' joinin' the rodeo? A city dude like you, suckin' up to the Warden!

  Skip Donahue : He's not sucking up to the Warden. He's just having a little fun. We showed some aptitude for this, that's all.

  Blade : Aptitude? You hear that?

  Rory : Why don't you lay off him Blade. The man's just doin' what he gotta do! They were going to cut the dude's nuts off! Ain't that right, Harry?

  Harry Monroe : I don't want to discuss my nuts.

• [first lines] 

  Skip Donahue : Who needs Hollywood? I hear they're really nuts out there.

  [singing] 

  Skip Donahue : Give me a town like old New York, With lots of trees and clean fresh air, I need a place where love is everywhere, They say I'm Crazy, just a little bit out of whack...

• Skip Donahue : She's not for you.

  Harry Monroe : What do you mean, she's not for me?

  Skip Donahue : Harry, Nancy is a fascinating girl. She may be the single hottest girl on the East Side. But, when you wake up in the morning, you'll find that she's not a very serious person.

  Harry Monroe : Neither - am - I!

• Harry Monroe : Tell me about the job opportunity.

  Skip Donahue : It's in banking.

  Harry Monroe : I don't know a darn thing about banking.

  Skip Donahue : We don't have to know anything about banking. I've sold the manager on a new promotion idea.

  Harry Monroe , Skip Donahue : [next scene, inside a bank, dressed in bird costumes, singing]  Oh, you'll save money, Knock on wood, When you do what a good wood pecker should, Save for a horse or a brand new ranch, When you flock to the Glenboro Savings Branch, You can feather your nest with frills, Fill your garage with coupe de villes, Just relax if you have the big bills...

• Harry Monroe , Skip Donahue : [singing in a bird costume]  What you can do, Be a smart bird too, You little pecker you!

• Deputy Ward Wilson : Let's move!

  Skip Donahue : What happened?

  Deputy Ward Wilson : Let's go Mayor Koch. And you too, Count Basie. It's 4:30.

  Skip Donahue : Why so early?

  Deputy Ward Wilson : It's called paying your debt to society. Now, let's move!

  Skip Donahue : Is breakfast ready?

  Harry Monroe : Somebody stole the toilet.

  Skip Donahue : It's over here.

• Skip Donahue : It's amazing. There's hardly any family resemblance. No offense.

  Meredith : We're just barely cousins. See, my mother was a French Can-Can dancer and - it's a long story.

• Skip Donahue : You want to know something that's always fascinated me? Are the prison romances that sometimes spring up between inmates and girls from the outside. Sometimes quite beautiful girls. I mean, would you, for example, could you actually become involved, I mean, romantically, with a prisoner?

  Meredith : Absolutely not.

  Skip Donahue : No, I didn't think so. I was just curious.

• Warden Walter Beatty : I want to win that trophy. And I countin' on you to go balls out for it.

  Skip Donahue : I only have one speed. Balls out.

• Big Mean's Sidekick : I'm Slowpoke.

  Skip Donahue : Hi, Slowpoke, this is Harry.

  Big Mean's Sidekick : [talking rapidly]  This state gives the longest sentences in the country for everything, especially for bank robbery, but it's misleading so don't wet your pants if you know what I'm saying, 'cause they also have the most liberal "good time" program in the country too, so if the bottom should happen to drop out from under you two innocent badasses, well, that's one bright spot to look forward to!

  [begins to laugh loudly] 

  Big Mean's Sidekick : [Skip and Harry join in, laughing nervously, as Slowpoke walks away, still laughing] 

  Skip Donahue : Okay!

  Harry Monroe : What is he talking about?