Life of Brian (1979)
Eric Idle: Mr. Cheeky, Stan aka Loretta, Harry the Haggler, Culprit Woman, Warris, Intensely Dull Youth, Jailer's Assistant, Otto, Lead Singer Crucifee
Photos
Quotes
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Nisus Wettus : [a line of prisoners files past a jailer]
Nisus Wettus : Crucifixion?
Prisoner : Yes.
Nisus Wettus : Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.
[Next prisoner]
Nisus Wettus : Crucifixion?
Mr. Cheeky : Er, no, freedom actually.
Nisus Wettus : What?
Mr. Cheeky : Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Nisus Wettus : Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Mr. Cheeky : No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
Nisus Wettus : [laughing] Oh yes, very good. Well...
Mr. Cheeky : Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
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Centurion : Where is Brian of Nazareth?
Brian : You sanctimonious bastards!
Centurion : I have an order for his release!
Brian : You stupid bastards!
Mr. Cheeky : Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Brian : What?
Mr. Cheeky : Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Centurion : Take him down!
Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Victim #1 : Eh, I'm Brian!
Mr. Big Nose : I'm Brian!
Victim #2 : Look, I'm Brian!
Brian : I'm Brian!
Victims : I'm Brian!
Gregory : I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
Victims : I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...
Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Centurion : All right. Take him away and release him.
Mr. Cheeky : No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!
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[last lines]
Lead Singer Crucifee : [as end credits role and crucifees are singing "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life"] It's the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer. Some of us have got to live as well, you know. Who do you think pays for all this rubbish? They'll never make their money back, you know. I told him. I said to him, "Bernie", I said, "They'll never make their money back."
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Lead Singer Crucifee : [Dying on the cross] Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say: some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble; give a whistle, and this'll help things turn out for the best. And... always look on the bright side of life...
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Lead Singer Crucifee : You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!
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Lead Singer Crucifee : [singing] Life's a piece of shit when you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke; it's true.
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Mrs. Big Nose : [a crowd is listening to Jesus speak] Don't pick your nose!
Mr. Big Nose : I wasn't pickin' my nose! I was scratchin' it!
Mrs. Big Nose : You was pickin' it, while you was talkin' to that lady!
Mr. Big Nose : I wasn't!
Mrs. Big Nose : Leave it alone! Give it a rest!
Stan : Do you mind? I can't 'ear a word he's sayin'!
Mrs. Big Nose : Don't you 'Do you mind' me! I was talkin' to my 'usband!
Stan : Well, go and talk to 'im somewhere else! I can't 'ear a bloody thing!
Mr. Big Nose : Don't you swear at my wife!
Stan : I was only askin' 'er to shut up, so we can 'ear what he's sayin', 'Big Nose'.
Mrs. Big Nose : Don't you call my 'usband 'Big Nose'!
Stan : Well, he 'as got a big nose!
Man #1 : [trying to hear Jesus] Would you be quiet, please. What was that?
Stan : I don't know; I was too busy talkin' to 'Big Nose'.
Man #2 : I think it was: 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'!
Wife : What's so special about the cheese-makers?
Husband : Well, obviously, it's not meant to be taken literally - it refers to any manufacturer of... dairy products.
Stan : See? If you 'adn't been goin' on, we'd 'ave 'eard that, 'Big Nose'!
Mr. Big Nose : Say that once more - I'll smash your bloody face in!
Stan : Better keep listening; might be a bit about 'Blessed are the Big Noses'.
Brian : Lay off him!
Stan : Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conk-face... Where are you two from? 'Nose City'?
Mr. Big Nose : One more time, mate! I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!
Mrs. Big Nose : Language! And don't pick your nose!
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Follower : Excuse me, are you a virgin?
Brian's mother : I beg your pardon?
Follower : Well, if it's not a personal question - are you a virgin?
Brian's mother : If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!
[shuts the windows]
Follower : She is.
[the crowd nods in agreement]
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Francis : Why are you always on about women, Stan?
Stan : I want to be one.
Reg : What?
Stan : I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
Reg : What?
Stan : It's my right as a man.
Judith : Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
Stan : I want to have babies.
Reg : You want to have babies?
Stan : It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg : But... you can't have babies!
Stan : Don't you oppress me!
Reg : I'm not oppressing you, Stan! You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
Stan : [starts to cry]
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Stan : Listen I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.
Mr. Big Nose : Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide accross your face by the time I'm finished with you!
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Brian's mother : Ah, how I hate wearing these beards.
Brian : Why aren't women allowed to go to stonings, mum?
Brian's mother : It's written, that's why.
Beard vendor : Pssst! Beard, madam?
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Beard vendor : No, no, no. Ten? You're supposed to argue. "Ten for that, you must be mad!"
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Reg : Listen, the only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.
Judith , Stan , Francis : [Murmurs of agreement and "splitters"]
Francis : And the Judean Popular People's Front.
Reg , Judith , Stan : [More enthusiastic agreements]
Stan : And the People's Front of Judea!
Reg : [Agreements stop suddenly] What?
Stan : The People's Front of Judea, splitters!
Reg : We're the People's Front of Judea!
Stan : Oh! I thought we were the Popular Front.
Reg : People's Front!
Francis : Whatever happened to the Popular Front, eh?
Reg : [Indicating a man sitting by himself] He's over there.
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Reg : They've bled us white, the bastards! They've taken everything we ever had! And not just from us, but from our fathers, and from our father's fathers!
Stan : And from our father's father's fathers.
Reg : Right.
Stan : And from our father's father's father's fathers.
Reg : Alright Stan, don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?
Revolutionary #1 : ...The aquaduct?
Reg : What?
Revolutionary #1 : The aquaduct.
Reg : Oh. Yeah, yeah they did give us that. That's true, yeah.
Revolutionary #2 : And, uh, sanitation.
Stan : Oh yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city USED to be like.
Reg : Alright, I'll grant you the aquaduct and the sanitation. The two things the Romans HAVE done.
Matthias : And the roads!
Reg : Yeah, well obviously the roads! I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they? But APART from sanitation, the aquaducts and the roads...
Revolutionary #3 : Irrigation?
Revolutionary #1 : Medicine.
Revolutionary #5 : Education?
Reg : Yeah, alright, fair enough...
Revolutionary #5 : And the wine!
[Everyone murmurs in agreement apart from an increasingly annoyed Reg]
Francis : Yeah! Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left.
Revolutionary #6 : Public baths.
Stan : And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.
Francis : Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it -- they're the only ones who COULD in a place like this.
[Everyone except Reg chuckles in agreement]
Reg : Alright, but APART from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health... what have the Romans ever done for us?
Revolutionary #1 : ...Brought peace.
Reg : Oh, peace! Shut up!
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Mr. Cheeky : [singing] For life is quite absurd, And death's the final word, You must always face, the curtain with a bow, Forget about your sin, Give the audience a grin
Mr. Cheeky , Crucifees : Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow, So always look on the bright side of death...
