- [Keith and Candice Marie are perched next to Corfe Castle, surveying the surrounding countryside]
- Keith: Look at this view, Brownsea Island, Round Island, the Lakeland of Dorset... pity about the power station in the background, never mind... there are the heaths, Newton Heath, Rempstone Heath, Witch Heath... disused railway line going up to Wareham... and the great nimbocumulus rising above it all like great puffs of cotton wool.
- Candice Marie: Look at all this rubbish Keith.
- Keith: What?
- Candice Marie: Isn't it awful, look at all those tin cans.
- Keith: [disinterested] Yes...
- Candice Marie: Just imagine Keith, if all the people who lived here could come back... to all these crisp bags and sweet papers, they'd be horrified wouldn't they?
- Keith: They'd find it difficult to comprehend all the changes that have taken place in the world.
- Candice Marie: Do you think they do come back Keith?
- Keith: What?
- Candice Marie: Their ghosts.
- Keith: No...
- [Keith is distracted momentarily by something in the distance]
- Keith: There's a car going up the B3351.
- Candice Marie: It's just that Keith and I believe that smoking damages your health. You see, Ray, you can't see the damage that it's doing. But if I could take one of your lungs now, and put it on the table in front of you and cut it in half, I think you'd be absolutely horrified.
- Candice Marie: Keith?
- Keith: Mmm.
- Candice Marie: You know you always tell me to chew everything 72 times?
- Keith: Mmm.
- Candice Marie: Well I don't think that can be right, because, um for instance you're chewing nuts now, and they have to be chewed 72 times because they're very hard. But earlier on I was eating mushroom, and I only got to 31 and it slipped down my throat quite naturally. So it doesn't always have to be 72 times does it?
- Keith: [long pause while chewing] I think the important thing is to uh, use your discretion.
- [Finger and Honky are making a lot noise in their tent. Keith gets up in the middle of the night to tell them to shut up]
- Keith: This is a tent! *I* am in a tent! The walls of a tent are thin. I can hear everything you're saying. Now BE QUIET!
- Finger: Get back to bed!
- Keith: And you get back to your tenements!
- Finger: How are we supposed to cook our dinner, then?
- Keith: You can have a cold dinner!
- Finger: We've got sausages!
- Keith: Well, you shouldn't be eating sausages!
- Honky: Why not?
- Keith: Well, quite apart from the toxic substances in the meat, there are quite a few harmful additives and preservatives in the sausage!
- Candice Marie: I don't think you realise how dangerous an open fire can be. For one thing, you could easily set fire to your tent.
- Honky: Well, it's our tent.
- Finger: Look, I've paid my money, you got no right to come telling me what to do!
- Keith: Oh, I've got every right. I have the power to arrest you if I wanted to, now stop making that fire.
- Finger: Are you a copper?
- Keith: No, but every citizen has the right to arrest another citizen who's breaking the law. Now, be told.
- Finger: What law am I breaking?
- Keith: You're breaking the laws of the campsite and the laws of the country code.
- Ray: [after Finger tells a joke] Do you know the Irish intelligence test?
- Finger: What's that?
- Ray: [holds his hand out] Well, pick a finger. Go on, any finger, pick a finger, right?
- Finger: [picks one of Ray's fingers] Like that?
- Ray: [starts shaking his hand] Right. Now, I'm going to jumble them all up and I want you to tell me which finger you picked!
- [Ray and Honky laugh]
- Finger: I don't get that.