Play for Today (TV Series)

'Nuts in May' (1976)

Roger Sloman: Keith Pratt

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Keith and Candice Marie are perched next to Corfe Castle, surveying the surrounding countryside] 

  Keith : Look at this view, Brownsea Island, Round Island, the Lakeland of Dorset... pity about the power station in the background, never mind... there are the heaths, Newton Heath, Rempstone Heath, Witch Heath... disused railway line going up to Wareham... and the great nimbocumulus rising above it all like great puffs of cotton wool.

  Candice Marie : Look at all this rubbish Keith.

  Keith : What?

  Candice Marie : Isn't it awful, look at all those tin cans.

  Keith : [disinterested]  Yes...

  Candice Marie : Just imagine Keith, if all the people who lived here could come back... to all these crisp bags and sweet papers, they'd be horrified wouldn't they?

  Keith : They'd find it difficult to comprehend all the changes that have taken place in the world.

  Candice Marie : Do you think they do come back Keith?

  Keith : What?

  Candice Marie : Their ghosts.

  Keith : No...

  [Keith is distracted momentarily by something in the distance] 

  Keith : There's a car going up the B3351.

• Candice Marie : Keith?

  Keith : Mmm.

  Candice Marie : You know you always tell me to chew everything 72 times?

  Keith : Mmm.

  Candice Marie : Well I don't think that can be right, because, um for instance you're chewing nuts now, and they have to be chewed 72 times because they're very hard. But earlier on I was eating mushroom, and I only got to 31 and it slipped down my throat quite naturally. So it doesn't always have to be 72 times does it?

  Keith : [long pause while chewing]  I think the important thing is to uh, use your discretion.

• [Finger and Honky are making a lot noise in their tent. Keith gets up in the middle of the night to tell them to shut up] 

  Keith : This is a tent! *I* am in a tent! The walls of a tent are thin. I can hear everything you're saying. Now BE QUIET!

  Finger : Get back to bed!

  Keith : And you get back to your tenements!

• [the confrontation over Finger trying to make a fire against campsite rules has escalated. Keith has grabbed a large stick off of Finger] 

  Finger : Go on, hit me! Go on!

  Keith : No, no, I'm not going to...

  [Finger kicks at Keith] 

  Keith : GET AWAY FROM ME, I'LL KNOCK YOUR HEAD OFF!

• Finger : How are we supposed to cook our dinner, then?

  Keith : You can have a cold dinner!

  Finger : We've got sausages!

  Keith : Well, you shouldn't be eating sausages!

  Honky : Why not?

  Keith : Well, quite apart from the toxic substances in the meat, there are quite a few harmful additives and preservatives in the sausage!

• [Keith is telling Finger that he should not be making a fire in the campsite] 

  Finger : Look, will you mind your own bleeding business?

  Keith : It is my business! My business is to protect the life of the countryside and our heritage!

• [Finger is trying to make a fire, against campsite rules] 

  Keith : Now, stop what you're doing.

  Finger : No! Who the bleeding hell do you think you are?

  Keith : I am a good citizen who's aware of his responsibilities.

  Finger : You're a bloody comedian, mate!

• Finger : Look, I've paid my money, you got no right to come telling me what to do!

  Keith : Oh, I've got every right. I have the power to arrest you if I wanted to, now stop making that fire.

  Finger : Are you a copper?

  Keith : No, but every citizen has the right to arrest another citizen who's breaking the law. Now, be told.

  Finger : What law am I breaking?

  Keith : You're breaking the laws of the campsite and the laws of the country code.

• Keith : [snatching Finger's large stick and pointing it at him]  BE TOLD!