- Willene: That filthy man! I'm afraid you've opened your doors as well as your heart to the scum of the planet!
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: Here on spaceship Earth, there is no scum. There are just malfunctioning circuits.
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: My son... OUR son no longer exists.
- Willene: Oh, Mrs. Hammond, I'm really sorry. I didn't realize that tragedy had struck you twice. Is he dead, then?
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: No. He does not exist.
- Willene: Well, I'm afraid I don't understand what you mean, but I certainly wouldn't be callous enough to dwell on the subject.
- Bond: What did I do wrong, Chandler? That's the second time that you've flown off the handle tonight. The first time is when I wanted to show you that tattoo on my thigh.
- Chandler: I told you at the time that I had no interest whatsoever in looking at a tattoo of a dodo bird.
- Bond: But they're extinct! You can't see them anymore!
- Chandler: I'm well aware of that, Bond, but I think that having one tattooed on your hairy thigh is in extreme poor taste, especially considering that the species has vanished forever.
- Bond: But my thigh isn't hairy.
- Chandler: Bond, I, uh... I find you very attractive. So attractive that I want to throw you out of this car!
- Bond: Well, I don't get it. If you find me so attractive, why the hell would you want to throw me out of the car? I mean, I'm the one that ought to be getting out of this car voluntarily, knowing what's on your mind.
- [Willene Cassidy knocks]
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: Who is it? Who's that knocking at my door? Is that you, Mr. Maple Tree? Is the wind making you bang your branches against my door?
- Willene: Hello in there. Anybody home?
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: Oh, my God. That was a human voice. That was a woman's voice calling from behind that door! Who is it that speaks to me with the voice of a woman?
- [Willene pounds on the car window]
- Chandler: Something the matter, officer? Something wrong?
- Willene: Oh, no. I'm nothing like that, I'm just a housewife, that's all I am. See my badge?
- [Willene flashes a badge at him]
- Willene: That was given to me by my husband. He's the country-rock singer Simon Cassidy. Perhaps you've heard of him?
- [Sash and Roo are bickering]
- Willene: Hush, you two. You'll wake the dead.
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: You leave my husband outta this! My husband was a decent man.
- [Toydy rubs up behind Gert as they prepare to have sex in the kitchen]
- Gert: I should pull away. But I can't.
- Toydy: Why not?
- [Gert laughs]
- Gert: 'Cause I would fall into the oven like the witch in "Hansel and Gretel." That would leave you alone in this gingerbread house to eat all the cookies and peppermint sticks.
- Toydy: And what's wrong with that?
- Gert: You would get sick!... And no one would be around to give you an enema.
- Bond: I'm young and I'm restless. I'm not to be trusted. There's a lot of energy in this body, Willene, and it hops around from bed to bed like a flea. To be bit by a lovebug like me could be a pretty scratchy situation.
- Willene: I don't care, my love. All I ask is that when I start itching, you start scratching.
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: Remind me to go shopping today for some chopped meat, vegetables, milk and honey. And I'll need at least three dozen bananas, and some heads of lettuce.
- [with a laugh]
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: And, of course, my cucumbers. I mustn't forget my cucumbers! People come and go, but the cucumbers must stay.
- Toydy: You mean that lion's harmless?
- Bing: As harmless as a toothless old lady.
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: Well, I don't know if I agree with that saying, young man. Mrs. Connor has no teeth, yet she blasted her husband with six rounds of buckshot last spring.
- [Toydy offered a means of escape in exchange for sex with Bond]
- Willene: You did that for me?
- Bond: Ah, it's no big deal.
- Willene: I saw Toydy's naked body, so don't go telling me it was no big deal. There's no greater love that a man can show a woman than to give his body to the enemy.
- [they kiss]
- Bond: Ah, come on, Willene, I had to get broken in sometime. This way, if things don't work out with you, maybe something'll click with your husband.
- Roo: Evidently, true love cannot be quashed by religious or traditional taboos. Bing has expressed his love for the gorilla and she, in turn, has pursued him across four continents and will not be tamed until she gets him. I can sympathize with her.
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: It's been a long time since this house has seen happiness and love! Once, these walls did echo with the gayest of laughter. But that was when my husband was alive and my son existed.
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: It's my honor now to be host to a courageous man and the animal he loves, and who also shares his sentiment.
- Bing: After I've given myself to the gorilla again, I expect great psychological transformations to occur in the skull of that primate. You'll see!
- Bond: Well, all right. Now that you've got that off your chest - and out of your buttocks - what next?
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: There's too much talk in this kitchen and not enough action. Start cooking me now, honey, before I go rotten!
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: I pickle things to preserve them. Like onions, cauliflower, peppers...
- Sash: And men?
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: That's not just any man, that's my husband!
- Toydy: You're crazier than I thought you were!
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: Why? Because I refuse to cover the tangible remains of my husband with a curtain of soil?
- [Willene eats a cucumber, unaware that Gert masturbated with it]
- Willene: I'm afraid I can't finish it. Would you like to share it?
- Gert: No, I've already had it, thank you.
- Willene: Do you mind if I throw it away?
- Gert: Not at all, my dear. Most things of that nature are disposable. Just throw it in that bag under the sink.
- Willene: Why, Mrs. Hammond, you've got a whole pile of them in here!
- Gert: Call me Gert, Willene. I feel that you've gotten to know me more intimately. Yes, those cucumbers did not age properly enough to suit my hungry lips, so I had to get rid of them.
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: I'm no dummy. Charlie saw to that. Charlie didn't want no dummy for a wife. And I didn't want no Charlie McCarthy for a husband either. I wanted Charlie Hammond. And I wanted to be Mrs. Gert Hammond. Wife of Charlie. Charlie's woman. Forever. Not just 'til they came!
- Roo: I was educated in Brooklyn. Brooklyn Community College. It was quite a community of fatsos. They really believed in letting it all hang out. Hanging out of their shirt sleeves and the collars of their suits and their two-piece bathing suits. You know, people see whales up on a beach after a storm, and they think that's something. That's only 'cause they've never been to Brighton Beach.
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: Shut the hell up, Goddamn puppet! You're nothing but a puppet for the Weather Bureau, and they pull the string that makes your mouth go up and down. I'll bet you don't even know what the hell an isobar is...
- [laughs]
- Mrs. Gert Hammond: And don't go telling me it's some kind of a popsicle!
- Toydy: I don't have to worry about hunger. Of the stomach. Just the other hunger. The one more ravishing that I worry about. But why worry? Wasn't there something I read or heard in church, something about birds? Birds don't worry about eating, and yet God provides plenty of food. But I... I'm not satisfied with just worms! I need something more substantial.
- Roo: Howdy, stranger. No need to ask if you need a lift. We all need one in this kind of weather. The real question - the $64,000 question - is how high do you wanna get?
- Toydy: Why did you bring what I was told was a lily-white butt out in this rain?
- Sash: My butt's white from being so numb after two days of driving. But it used to be red when we used to live in Tucson. If only you could have seen it then.
- Toydy: Gee, ma'am, I ain't even seen the white one yet. So quit jumping the gun.
- Sash: Oh, you'll see it, all right. Just a matter of time.
- Bond: It's just that...
- Chandler: What, Bond? My gazes? My admiring glances at your rather extravagant torso put you ill at ease?
- Bond: Well, no. It's just that that's all you're doing is just looking.
- Chandler: You mean you were expecting me to do something else? Me? Chandler Wilson? Heir to the Wilson fortune? And widower of Sarah Lou Phillips from the House of Phillips Unlimited?
- Bond: You mean the House of Phillips, that big girdle manufacturing plant down in Waco?
- Chandler: Yes. That's exactly what I mean. That big girdle factory in central Texas where everything grows big, especially a middle-age gut.
- Bond: I'm a scared of that.
- Chandler: Scared of what?
- Bond: Middle-aged gut.
- Bond: Didn't your wife pass away recently? I seem to remember reading something about it somewhere.
- Chandler: My wife, Sarah Lou Phillips, daughter of Leland, the creator of the House of Phillips Unlimited, died last year. Died a horrible death.
- Bond: I'm terribly sorry.
- Chandler: For her or for me?
- Bond: For the both of you.
- Chandler: Well, reserve your bleeding heart strictly for her. Our marriage was going up in smoke anyway. It's just that she turned the expression into a reality.
- Chandler: It's been a year since I've had any worthwhile sexual encounters.
- Bond: Is that when your wife died?
- Chandler: Oh, to hell with her! When I mentioned Sarah Lou Phillips, heiress to The House of Phillips Unlimited, I'm not talking about worthwhile sex. It wasn't sex that we shared in the dark on that Castro Convertible sofa her mother bought us. No. No, that was infantile perversion!
- Bond: I want you to tell me about it, Chandler.
- Chandler: Why? Why would a clean, good-looking kid like you want to delve into the filth of the rich?
- Bond: 'Cause it's a dark, stormy night and there ain't nothin' but this cigarette and a light on the radio dial and the rain... and your face in that light. You got a nice face, Chandler. You got a real nice face.
- Chandler: Listen kid, I vowed before embarking on this trip that once I started, I was never looking back. Now, I'm going to Waco, Texas, to that great giant girdle factory that stands like a mammoth mausoleum to the memory of my dead wife, Sarah Lou Phillips.
- Willene: You mean Sarah Lou Phillips of the House of Phillips Unlimited?
- Bond: Yeah. That's what he's talking about.
- Chandler: And I don't intend to water down my mission, the only mission I've got in life, just because some ball of fire lights up the night sky in this godforsaken nowhere land. No, the ball of fire I've got planned is going to rival the sun itself. You mark my words, Bond. It's gonna turn night into day!