Maggie Pyle: Willene

Quotes 

• Willene : That filthy man! I'm afraid you've opened your doors as well as your heart to the scum of the planet!

  Mrs. Gert Hammond : Here on spaceship Earth, there is no scum. There are just malfunctioning circuits.

• Mrs. Gert Hammond : My son... OUR son no longer exists.

  Willene : Oh, Mrs. Hammond, I'm really sorry. I didn't realize that tragedy had struck you twice. Is he dead, then?

  Mrs. Gert Hammond : No. He does not exist.

  Willene : Well, I'm afraid I don't understand what you mean, but I certainly wouldn't be callous enough to dwell on the subject.

• [Willene Cassidy knocks] 

  Mrs. Gert Hammond : Who is it? Who's that knocking at my door? Is that you, Mr. Maple Tree? Is the wind making you bang your branches against my door?

  Willene : Hello in there. Anybody home?

  Mrs. Gert Hammond : Oh, my God. That was a human voice. That was a woman's voice calling from behind that door! Who is it that speaks to me with the voice of a woman?

• [Willene pounds on the car window] 

  Chandler : Something the matter, officer? Something wrong?

  Willene : Oh, no. I'm nothing like that, I'm just a housewife, that's all I am. See my badge?

  [Willene flashes a badge at him] 

  Willene : That was given to me by my husband. He's the country-rock singer Simon Cassidy. Perhaps you've heard of him?

• [Sash and Roo are bickering] 

  Willene : Hush, you two. You'll wake the dead.

  Mrs. Gert Hammond : You leave my husband outta this! My husband was a decent man.

• Bond : I'm young and I'm restless. I'm not to be trusted. There's a lot of energy in this body, Willene, and it hops around from bed to bed like a flea. To be bit by a lovebug like me could be a pretty scratchy situation.

  Willene : I don't care, my love. All I ask is that when I start itching, you start scratching.

• Bond : You mean you let some nun stick a elephant syringe in your organ while your husband beats his meat and waits?

  Willene : My husband does not beat his meat! He fluctuates his firmness.

• [Toydy offered a means of escape in exchange for sex with Bond] 

  Willene : You did that for me?

  Bond : Ah, it's no big deal.

  Willene : I saw Toydy's naked body, so don't go telling me it was no big deal. There's no greater love that a man can show a woman than to give his body to the enemy.

  [they kiss] 

  Bond : Ah, come on, Willene, I had to get broken in sometime. This way, if things don't work out with you, maybe something'll click with your husband.

• [Willene eats a cucumber, unaware that Gert masturbated with it] 

  Willene : I'm afraid I can't finish it. Would you like to share it?

  Gert : No, I've already had it, thank you.

  Willene : Do you mind if I throw it away?

  Gert : Not at all, my dear. Most things of that nature are disposable. Just throw it in that bag under the sink.

  Willene : Why, Mrs. Hammond, you've got a whole pile of them in here!

  Gert : Call me Gert, Willene. I feel that you've gotten to know me more intimately. Yes, those cucumbers did not age properly enough to suit my hungry lips, so I had to get rid of them.

• Gert : He's quite a man, isn't he?

  Willene : Well, part of him is a man, the other part I'm not too sure about.

• Willene : Mr. Hal B. Wallace sent my husband's agent a script for a small singing part in his film "Bazookas for Peace."

  Gert : Oh, I'd give my piece for a bazooka any time!

• Bond : Well, you were right about one thing.

  [Bond kisses Willene] 

  Willene : What was I right about?

  Bond : I am an animal.

  Willene : What kind?

  Bond : A rhinoceros! Can't you tell by my horn?

  [Bond shoves down his jeans] 

• Willene : You're talking like some sort of beatnik.

  Chandler : And supposing I am, what have you got against beatniks?

  Willene : Well, for one thing, their bongo drums. I can't stand all that stupid pounding. It gives me a headache, it does.

• Chandler : Listen kid, I vowed before embarking on this trip that once I started, I was never looking back. Now, I'm going to Waco, Texas, to that great giant girdle factory that stands like a mammoth mausoleum to the memory of my dead wife, Sarah Lou Phillips.

  Willene : You mean Sarah Lou Phillips of the House of Phillips Unlimited?

  Bond : Yeah. That's what he's talking about.

  Chandler : And I don't intend to water down my mission, the only mission I've got in life, just because some ball of fire lights up the night sky in this godforsaken nowhere land. No, the ball of fire I've got planned is going to rival the sun itself. You mark my words, Bond. It's gonna turn night into day!

• Willene : God bless you and keep you, for the devil walks about on nights such as this!

• Mrs. Gert Hammond : My name is Mrs. Gert Hammond. Welcome to Prairie Blossom, the name my husband and I chose for the estate you are now standing on.

  Willene : What happened to your head?

  Mrs. Gert Hammond : Please, let me finish. Our home, built upon a stretch of prairie between the Chickasaw and Thunderbird Rivers, was built by hand with loving care by my husband, Charlie, who now lies buried in the wine cellar beneath our very feet.

• Willene : Oh, my dear, wretched woman! How could God in his mercy leave you alone in this wilderness?

• Willene : I'm gonna cleanse you with the waters that are in such a profusion tonight. How many days and nights has your womanly body been deprived of a washcloth?

  Mrs. Gert Hammond : What do the widows of the world need with a washcloth?

  Willene : Well, soap, for one thing.

• [while charitably bathing drunken stranger Gert, Willene unknowingly gives the woman an orgasm] 

  Mrs. Gert Hammond : Ohhh, thank you. Thank you.

  Willene : Uh, Willene's my name. And you are, uh, Gert?

  Mrs. Gert Hammond : Yes. I'm Gert. But I'm a Gert reborn.

  Willene : Every day's a rebirth. Every day is Easter. Just remember to color your eggs happy colors, like yellow and baby blue.

• [Chandler and Bond help in the car crash survivors; Sash is bottomless] 

  Willene : Why is that woman partially disrobed? Was it the impact of the crash that did that?

  Sash : My skirt was wet. That witch over there didn't want me to stain the upholstery.

  Roo : I shoulda had you leave the dress on. A wet stain is better than a smelly brown one.

  Chandler : Now cut it out, you two. There's no more upholstery, period.

• Willene : Instead of fighting, you three ought to get down on your knees and thank the God almighty.

  Roo : Listen, sister, I get down on my knees for only one thing, and it's the man who thanks the almighty I'm doing it.

• Bond : Shut up, Chandler. This isn't the time or the place.

  Chandler : No, it wouldn't be for you! You'd rather I told you at midnight behind the trash cans at a Greyhound bus depot. You cheap, rotten hustler.

  [Bond punches Chandler] 

  Bond : I'm sorry, Chandler, but you tried to cheapen me in front of all these people by suggesting that I'd sell my body to you for money! And that's an outright lie! When I give my body, it's like a gift from God - without any monteary reward!

  Chandler : "Monetary."

  Bond : That's what I said. It's like a gift from God without any kind of monetary reward.

  Willene : Amen.

  Toydy : Well, tell me, O divined one, can I light a candle at your altar sometime and pray that you'll bestow your blessings on me some night?

• [Willene opens the door and finds Toydy naked on top of Bond] 

  Willene : Bond! What's the meaning of this?

  Bond : I was just receiving our passport out of this place.

  Willene : If that kind of passport sends you, then I'm afraid you're just gonna have to go along without me.

  Toydy : The crate's all yours, kid! Sorry to see you go!

  [Toydy and Bond shake hands] 

  Bond : No more sorry than I am to see you come.

  Willene : What crate are you talking about?

  Toydy : There's a crate of bananas behind the sofa. Your boyfriend bargained his butt off for that fruit.

  Bond : It's usually the other way around. Fruits are always bargaining off their butts for me.

• [Willene and Bond have sex] 

  Willene : Oh, Sister Mercy, forgive me, for I know not what I do.

  Bond : The tree of your body may be losing a cherry, but it's gaining two plums and a banana!

• Willene : Are you in the habit of peeling your cucumbers in advance?

  Gert : Yes, it ages the flavor.

  Willene : It certainly does. Boy, does this taste odd.

  Gert : Eat up! You'll soon acquire a taste for it. I'd like you to. It would make for a much closer friendship between us.

• Gert : My son loved cream. He licked it up like a cat!

  Willene : But a cat has nine lives and your son, unfortunately, had only one. So now he joins your husband in death.

  Gert : My *husband* is dead. My son is no more. He no longer exists.

• Willene : Do you know who my husband is?

  Gert : No.

  Willene : Simon Cassidy.

  Gert : Who's he?

  Willene : Do you mean to tell me you don't know who Simon Cassidy is, a country rock singer? You, who are one of the lonely women who's allowed my husband to come into your room via the radio to dispel the gloom of your empty rooms?

• Willene : My husband and I are as true to each other as we were three years ago when we were married in Kentucky. The wedding was perfect. There was something new, my snow-white virginity. Something old, Simon's mother, who came in the most god-awful satin rag. She looked like a bag of potatoes that was oozing margarine. Then there was something borrowed, Simon's credit card. And something blue, the bluegrass of Kentucky moving up and down the hills like the Pacific Ocean.

• [Willene discusses a movie role that her husband was offered] 

  Willene : Simon was to be a private in the infantry who sings a song to his troops about life in beautiful Ohio. Well, that part's all right. Anyhow, he was to be singing about beautiful Ohio when suddenly a bazooka shell hits my husband - hits Simon, who plays a private - and hits him, of all places, in his privates. There was talk of them shooting in slow-motion, and I tell you, it made me sick just thinking about it! That's just the way I felt. It was painful! Imagine my husband in his motion picture debut, being violently emasculated in widescreen color in front of millions of screaming females! Why, that would be absolutely the end of his career as an all-singin, all-actin', all-lovin' he-man!

• [Gert exits] 

  Willene : She is a wonderful woman of vigorous pioneer stock.

  Toydy : She's got some pair of boobs, I'll say that much!

  Willene : I think you've said just about enough.

  Bond : I bet her butt's seen a lot of plowing.

• Bond : Didn't you hear that elephant trumpeting out in the storm? There's wild animals out there, Willene.

  Willene : Aren't there enough of them here in this house?

  Bond : Is that what you consider me, a animal?

  Willene : I consider you all debased by yearnings of the flesh.

• Willene : Do you see that vile object over there?

  Bond : You mean that dildo with a fork in it?

  Willene : I picked up that object cuz it was lying in the hall as a stimulus to deviltry!

• Willene : Sister Geneva was a bride to Jesus.

  Bond : Jesus didn't have no bride, just widows in black with a green elephant syringe.