Thundercrack! (1975)
Moira Benson: Roo
Quotes
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Roo : Evidently, true love cannot be quashed by religious or traditional taboos. Bing has expressed his love for the gorilla and she, in turn, has pursued him across four continents and will not be tamed until she gets him. I can sympathize with her.
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Roo : I had my protein and now I want me some starch.
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Roo : I was educated in Brooklyn. Brooklyn Community College. It was quite a community of fatsos. They really believed in letting it all hang out. Hanging out of their shirt sleeves and the collars of their suits and their two-piece bathing suits. You know, people see whales up on a beach after a storm, and they think that's something. That's only 'cause they've never been to Brighton Beach.
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Roo : Howdy, stranger. No need to ask if you need a lift. We all need one in this kind of weather. The real question - the $64,000 question - is how high do you wanna get?
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[Chandler and Bond help in the car crash survivors; Sash is bottomless]
Willene : Why is that woman partially disrobed? Was it the impact of the crash that did that?
Sash : My skirt was wet. That witch over there didn't want me to stain the upholstery.
Roo : I shoulda had you leave the dress on. A wet stain is better than a smelly brown one.
Chandler : Now cut it out, you two. There's no more upholstery, period.
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Sash : I didn't know that your wife was Sarah Lou Phillips, the daughter of Leland Phillips, creator of House of Phillips Unlimited.
Roo : In Waco, Texas!
Chandler : Well, I didn't realize that I'd married into such notoriety.
Sash : To us, the women of North America, your wife was a martyred saint.
Chandler : She was a stupid idiot! A sick nitwit!
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Bing : She doesn't like other gorillas, they're too hairy. Medusa likes the naked, virile flesh of young men.
Roo : And how, pray tell, did she get a taste for that?
Bing : That's unimportant now!
Toydy : Wait a second. Wait just one minute! You said she got you hard one night! What the hell did you mean by that?
Bing : Look, I don't like being grilled by the cops or anyone else!
Mrs. Gert Hammond : Speaking of grilled, I'd better check on those pork chops. Excuse me, please.
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Toydy : Look Mister, we're no angels and we have weird tastes, too.
Bing : What's so weird about pork chops?
Toydy : I wasn't talking about pork chops! I was talking about you and that big, black, red-eyed female out there.
Sash : Toydy, that female is a gorilla.
Roo : Shut up, Sash, and let him finish. He's got something there.
Sash : Well, you ought to know, being that you had it in your hand a couple hours ago.
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Roo : Now, just a minute, Miss Wine Cellar Virgin, don't you go talking back to me, or I'm gonna spill the beans.
[Gert yells from the kitchen]
Mrs. Gert Hammond : We're not having beans tonight! We're having corn on the cob!
Toydy : You know where you can shove that corn on the cob, Mrs. Hammond?
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Roo : I have a score to settle with this little cellar tramp!
Chandler : You're talking about the woman I love.
Bond : You, Chandler, and that woman?
Chandler : Surprised, muscles? You didn't think I had it in me, huh?
Bond : I sorta knew you didn't have it in you for a long time. Maybe that's why you were messing with her.
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Mrs. Gert Hammond : Who told you to go snooping around behind the shelves? You were just supposed to get the right vintage wine and bring it up for supper!
Roo : We're gonna be for supper if you don't stop chattering and start blockin' those windows!
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Chandler : What the hell is all this? All this talk about elephants and lions and hens?
Roo : You'd better add a gorilla to that list, too.
Toydy : Well, Chandler, we don't know anything about it either, but there's a herd of dangerous animals out in that rain, and they ain't shoppin' for umbrellas!
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Roo : What was she telling you about back there?
Toydy : Oh, nothin' much, something about Tucson.
Roo : About how she used to have a red butt?
Sash : Shut up, Ruta!
Toydy : That's it. She said she had a red butt when she was in Arizona.
Roo : She didn't get it from lying in too much sun, I can tell you that.
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Mrs. Gert Hammond : Your zipper's open, young man.
Toydy : Mmm, sorry. Fresh mouth over there wasn't satisfied with handling her stick shift.
Roo : It wasn't my fault the goddamned crash happened. Angelpuss over there was to blame.
Sash : And for good reason, to shut you up!
Roo : Well, you shut me up this time, baby, but maybe next time you won't be so lucky.
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Sash : Afraid of the dead, Roo?
Roo : No, I just don't like things that lie on their backs all the time without turning over.
Toydy : I couldn't agree with you more!
Bond : Not me. I always sleep on my back.
Toydy : And why is that?
Bond : Cuz in the back, everything lies down flat. Nothing pokes up.
Toydy : There's nuthin flat about your back. In fact, it's damn nice and round!
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Mrs. Gert Hammond : It was a Friday the 13th. And it was noontime. I was in the kitchen fixing some lunch for Charlie, who was working in the grain bin all morning. It was a cheerful morning. Only, there were no birds singing. The birds had all flown away the night before. Seemed like there was just me and Charlie and that hot noonday sun there on the farm. And then it was just me and Charlie. Cuz the sun had disappeared in a buzzing, screaming shadow! I looked out the window and I saw Charlie running from the grain bin, all white and covered with wheat powder. He froze dead in his tracks as he looked up at the sky. And that's when they swooped down on him, like a black hail of winged devils!
Toydy : Locusts.
Mrs. Gert Hammond : They covered my husband with a shroud of hungry mouths, each one chompin' away like there was no tomorrow. They also covered the field where he fell, until the whole earth looked like a pot of boiling caviar! The wind caused by the beating of their wings had slammed the kitchen window shut, and that's what probably saved my life. I lay unconscious on that floor for a day and a night. When I awoke, the morning sun was beginning to bleach the bones of my husband.
Roo : But locusts aren't supposed to eat people.
Toydy : You're forgetting something. She said her husband was all covered with wheat powder.
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Roo : You wanted to know why she had a red butt when we lived in Tucson, didn't you, Toydy?
Sash : Go ahead, Roo. I'm not afraid.
Toydy : Yeah, go ahead. I'd like to know how she got a red butt.
Roo : It's because... It's because it was lonely there in Tucson, and she was as horny as a desert lizard. There was nothing for miles around but cactus! A forest of juicy, stumpy cactus that rose nine inches high into the desert air. Why, it was so boring that Sash over here would pull up those cactus with ice tongs and sit for hours plucking out the needles with silver tweezers. Only, you couldn't get them all out, could you, Sash?
Sash : Yes, I could. I got them all out. The doctor said that the rash in my buttocks was caused by a type of chlorophyll poisoning.
Roo : And she got that rash by gyrating for hours on the stumpy shaft of a Tucson cactus!
Toydy : How come there was no red rash further down, like on the private parts?
Roo : Because her *private parts* were reserved for that stuffed Gila monster her father kept on the mantel!
