Thundercrack! (1975)
Rick Johnson: Toyd
Quotes
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[Toydy rubs up behind Gert as they prepare to have sex in the kitchen]
Gert : I should pull away. But I can't.
Toydy : Why not?
[Gert laughs]
Gert : 'Cause I would fall into the oven like the witch in "Hansel and Gretel." That would leave you alone in this gingerbread house to eat all the cookies and peppermint sticks.
Toydy : And what's wrong with that?
Gert : You would get sick!... And no one would be around to give you an enema.
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Toydy : You mean that lion's harmless?
Bing : As harmless as a toothless old lady.
Mrs. Gert Hammond : Well, I don't know if I agree with that saying, young man. Mrs. Connor has no teeth, yet she blasted her husband with six rounds of buckshot last spring.
-
Mrs. Gert Hammond : I pickle things to preserve them. Like onions, cauliflower, peppers...
Sash : And men?
Mrs. Gert Hammond : That's not just any man, that's my husband!
Toydy : You're crazier than I thought you were!
Mrs. Gert Hammond : Why? Because I refuse to cover the tangible remains of my husband with a curtain of soil?
-
Toydy : If it's decency you want, don't come in this room!
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Toydy : I don't have to worry about hunger. Of the stomach. Just the other hunger. The one more ravishing that I worry about. But why worry? Wasn't there something I read or heard in church, something about birds? Birds don't worry about eating, and yet God provides plenty of food. But I... I'm not satisfied with just worms! I need something more substantial.
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Toydy : Why did you bring what I was told was a lily-white butt out in this rain?
Sash : My butt's white from being so numb after two days of driving. But it used to be red when we used to live in Tucson. If only you could have seen it then.
Toydy : Gee, ma'am, I ain't even seen the white one yet. So quit jumping the gun.
Sash : Oh, you'll see it, all right. Just a matter of time.
-
Bond : Shut up, Chandler. This isn't the time or the place.
Chandler : No, it wouldn't be for you! You'd rather I told you at midnight behind the trash cans at a Greyhound bus depot. You cheap, rotten hustler.
[Bond punches Chandler]
Bond : I'm sorry, Chandler, but you tried to cheapen me in front of all these people by suggesting that I'd sell my body to you for money! And that's an outright lie! When I give my body, it's like a gift from God - without any monteary reward!
Chandler : "Monetary."
Bond : That's what I said. It's like a gift from God without any kind of monetary reward.
Willene : Amen.
Toydy : Well, tell me, O divined one, can I light a candle at your altar sometime and pray that you'll bestow your blessings on me some night?
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Toydy : You like giving enemas?
Gert : My son Gerald liked them.
Toydy : I bet it was a nice fire engine red enema bag.
Gert : I didn't use an enema bag. My son Gerald always requested that I hook up a heavy garden hose to the kitchen faucet.
Toydy : He was used to bigger things, wasn't he?
Gert : My son was big for his age. He was to be doomed with bigness.
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Toydy : Why don't you go take a walk and find something to pickle?
Mrs. Gert Hammond : I almost had me a real nice pickle, if only you hadn't jumped away.
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Bing : She doesn't like other gorillas, they're too hairy. Medusa likes the naked, virile flesh of young men.
Roo : And how, pray tell, did she get a taste for that?
Bing : That's unimportant now!
Toydy : Wait a second. Wait just one minute! You said she got you hard one night! What the hell did you mean by that?
Bing : Look, I don't like being grilled by the cops or anyone else!
Mrs. Gert Hammond : Speaking of grilled, I'd better check on those pork chops. Excuse me, please.
-
Toydy : Look Mister, we're no angels and we have weird tastes, too.
Bing : What's so weird about pork chops?
Toydy : I wasn't talking about pork chops! I was talking about you and that big, black, red-eyed female out there.
Sash : Toydy, that female is a gorilla.
Roo : Shut up, Sash, and let him finish. He's got something there.
Sash : Well, you ought to know, being that you had it in your hand a couple hours ago.
-
Roo : Now, just a minute, Miss Wine Cellar Virgin, don't you go talking back to me, or I'm gonna spill the beans.
[Gert yells from the kitchen]
Mrs. Gert Hammond : We're not having beans tonight! We're having corn on the cob!
Toydy : You know where you can shove that corn on the cob, Mrs. Hammond?
-
[Willene opens the door and finds Toydy naked on top of Bond]
Willene : Bond! What's the meaning of this?
Bond : I was just receiving our passport out of this place.
Willene : If that kind of passport sends you, then I'm afraid you're just gonna have to go along without me.
Toydy : The crate's all yours, kid! Sorry to see you go!
[Toydy and Bond shake hands]
Bond : No more sorry than I am to see you come.
Willene : What crate are you talking about?
Toydy : There's a crate of bananas behind the sofa. Your boyfriend bargained his butt off for that fruit.
Bond : It's usually the other way around. Fruits are always bargaining off their butts for me.
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Toydy : Has anybody ever told you you have a nice body for a woman so... mature?
Mrs. Gert Hammond : Why, yes, young man. My husband Charlie used to compliment me on my torso. He said it reminded him of a classical Greek sculpture.
Toydy : Well, you do remind me of something Greek, but it ain't sculpture. Sculpture's too cold. You remind me more of a nice juicy piece of of shish kabab meat.
-
[Toydy and Gert prepare to have sex]
Toydy : Hand me that tin of grease on the stove over there.
[Gert hands it to him; he lubricates both of them]
Toydy : What is it?
Mrs. Gert Hammond : Bacon fat.
Toydy : Ha-ha! I bet when you fart it's gonna sound like a pig! Oink... oink!
Mrs. Gert Hammond : Have you no respect for me?
Toydy : No. None at all! That would ruin the whole thing!
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Mrs. Gert Hammond : You are a slimy, slippery reptile!
Toydy : Don't you be calling me slimy and slippery with all that bacon fat oozing down on your thigh.
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Mrs. Gert Hammond : You have degraded my sacredness as a woman. You defiled with ugly fat the Grecian classicism of my body!
Toydy : Your body was nothing but ugly fat to begin with. A little extra never hurt none.
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[Bond and Roo try to separate Toydy from Gert, who brandishes a meat cleaver]
Bond : Toydy, what the hell are you up to?
Toydy : I was rubbing up the pubic hair with bacon fat, then she went crazy!
Mrs. Gert Hammond : If I could get control of this meat cleaver, that's all you'd end up with down there is pubic hair!
-
Mrs. Gert Hammond : Be careful with that! It cost me an arm and a leg to upholster that chair!
Toydy : Well, if an elephant walks in here, it's gonna be YOU that's gonna be upholstered all over this house!
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Chandler : What the hell is all this? All this talk about elephants and lions and hens?
Roo : You'd better add a gorilla to that list, too.
Toydy : Well, Chandler, we don't know anything about it either, but there's a herd of dangerous animals out in that rain, and they ain't shoppin' for umbrellas!
-
Roo : What was she telling you about back there?
Toydy : Oh, nothin' much, something about Tucson.
Roo : About how she used to have a red butt?
Sash : Shut up, Ruta!
Toydy : That's it. She said she had a red butt when she was in Arizona.
Roo : She didn't get it from lying in too much sun, I can tell you that.
-
Mrs. Gert Hammond : Your zipper's open, young man.
Toydy : Mmm, sorry. Fresh mouth over there wasn't satisfied with handling her stick shift.
Roo : It wasn't my fault the goddamned crash happened. Angelpuss over there was to blame.
Sash : And for good reason, to shut you up!
Roo : Well, you shut me up this time, baby, but maybe next time you won't be so lucky.
-
Mrs. Gert Hammond : Please forgive my manners. It's been so long since I've entertained!
Toydy : Well, you're doing pretty good in that shorty-kimono, Miss.
-
Sash : Afraid of the dead, Roo?
Roo : No, I just don't like things that lie on their backs all the time without turning over.
Toydy : I couldn't agree with you more!
Bond : Not me. I always sleep on my back.
Toydy : And why is that?
Bond : Cuz in the back, everything lies down flat. Nothing pokes up.
Toydy : There's nuthin flat about your back. In fact, it's damn nice and round!
-
Mrs. Gert Hammond : It was a Friday the 13th. And it was noontime. I was in the kitchen fixing some lunch for Charlie, who was working in the grain bin all morning. It was a cheerful morning. Only, there were no birds singing. The birds had all flown away the night before. Seemed like there was just me and Charlie and that hot noonday sun there on the farm. And then it was just me and Charlie. Cuz the sun had disappeared in a buzzing, screaming shadow! I looked out the window and I saw Charlie running from the grain bin, all white and covered with wheat powder. He froze dead in his tracks as he looked up at the sky. And that's when they swooped down on him, like a black hail of winged devils!
Toydy : Locusts.
Mrs. Gert Hammond : They covered my husband with a shroud of hungry mouths, each one chompin' away like there was no tomorrow. They also covered the field where he fell, until the whole earth looked like a pot of boiling caviar! The wind caused by the beating of their wings had slammed the kitchen window shut, and that's what probably saved my life. I lay unconscious on that floor for a day and a night. When I awoke, the morning sun was beginning to bleach the bones of my husband.
Roo : But locusts aren't supposed to eat people.
Toydy : You're forgetting something. She said her husband was all covered with wheat powder.
-
Roo : You wanted to know why she had a red butt when we lived in Tucson, didn't you, Toydy?
Sash : Go ahead, Roo. I'm not afraid.
Toydy : Yeah, go ahead. I'd like to know how she got a red butt.
Roo : It's because... It's because it was lonely there in Tucson, and she was as horny as a desert lizard. There was nothing for miles around but cactus! A forest of juicy, stumpy cactus that rose nine inches high into the desert air. Why, it was so boring that Sash over here would pull up those cactus with ice tongs and sit for hours plucking out the needles with silver tweezers. Only, you couldn't get them all out, could you, Sash?
Sash : Yes, I could. I got them all out. The doctor said that the rash in my buttocks was caused by a type of chlorophyll poisoning.
Roo : And she got that rash by gyrating for hours on the stumpy shaft of a Tucson cactus!
Toydy : How come there was no red rash further down, like on the private parts?
Roo : Because her *private parts* were reserved for that stuffed Gila monster her father kept on the mantel!
