Melinda McDowell: Sash

Quotes 

• Sash : You can't threaten me anymore, Roo. I don't care what you say. For the first time in my life, I'm in love with a man.

  Bond : You sure about his credentials?

• Mrs. Gert Hammond : I pickle things to preserve them. Like onions, cauliflower, peppers...

  Sash : And men?

  Mrs. Gert Hammond : That's not just any man, that's my husband!

  Toydy : You're crazier than I thought you were!

  Mrs. Gert Hammond : Why? Because I refuse to cover the tangible remains of my husband with a curtain of soil?

• Toydy : Why did you bring what I was told was a lily-white butt out in this rain?

  Sash : My butt's white from being so numb after two days of driving. But it used to be red when we used to live in Tucson. If only you could have seen it then.

  Toydy : Gee, ma'am, I ain't even seen the white one yet. So quit jumping the gun.

  Sash : Oh, you'll see it, all right. Just a matter of time.

• Sash : You didn't tell him, Roo, did you? Because if you told him...

  Roo : I have to tell him now, Sash. I can't leave him hanging in the air when he's giving me what I want right in the palm of my hand.

• [Chandler and Bond help in the car crash survivors; Sash is bottomless] 

  Willene : Why is that woman partially disrobed? Was it the impact of the crash that did that?

  Sash : My skirt was wet. That witch over there didn't want me to stain the upholstery.

  Roo : I shoulda had you leave the dress on. A wet stain is better than a smelly brown one.

  Chandler : Now cut it out, you two. There's no more upholstery, period.

• Sash : I didn't know that your wife was Sarah Lou Phillips, the daughter of Leland Phillips, creator of House of Phillips Unlimited.

  Roo : In Waco, Texas!

  Chandler : Well, I didn't realize that I'd married into such notoriety.

  Sash : To us, the women of North America, your wife was a martyred saint.

  Chandler : She was a stupid idiot! A sick nitwit!

• Toydy : Look Mister, we're no angels and we have weird tastes, too.

  Bing : What's so weird about pork chops?

  Toydy : I wasn't talking about pork chops! I was talking about you and that big, black, red-eyed female out there.

  Sash : Toydy, that female is a gorilla.

  Roo : Shut up, Sash, and let him finish. He's got something there.

  Sash : Well, you ought to know, being that you had it in your hand a couple hours ago.

• Sash : I'm in love with a man.

  Roo : Well, it sure beats a cactus, don't it, Sash?

• Sash : To me, it's like going into those funhouses to look at ourselves through those distorted mirrors, and everything is so ugly and grotesque. But no one really minds because it's a funhouse and you're supposed to have fun.

• Chandler : What is that thing in the jug down there?

  Sash : It's like a man - the remains of a man!

• [Chandler and Sash find Gert's husband pickled in mason jars] 

  Chandler : He was all eaten away as if something had been gnawing away at his bones.

  Sash : Didn't your mother ever teach you the proper way to pickle something?

  Mrs. Gert Hammond : I pickled him right! That was the way he looked when he died. They didn't leave much flesh on him, did they?

  Chandler : Who's "they?" Who are you talking about?

  Mrs. Gert Hammond : I'm talking about that buzzin' cloud that came down from the Rockies on that awful Friday.

• Sash : You're nothing but a troublemaker!

  Toydy : I don't make trouble, I just make whoopee.

• Chandler : We're not alone here. You're forgetting about Mrs. Hammond's husband.

  Sash : He doesn't count. He's lifeless and limp.

  Chandler : Well, I'm afraid there's something else that you'll find in the same condition, so don't be getting your hopes up too high.

  Sash : I don't wanna get my hopes up high, it's just something else I'm trying to raise.

  Chandler : Well, knowing the way that I am, good luck.

  Sash : Luck is supposed to be a lady, so that cuts the odds down just a bit.

• Chandler : Leland Phillips is said to have a heart of gold - and it's true. But they fail to mention that he's also got lungs of silver, a stomach of copper and kidneys made out of tungsten. There's not an authentic human organ in his entire decrepit body. The man is a maniac living off the energy of the U.S. treasury, created by corporate capitalism.

  Sash : Chandler, he sounds like a menace to the sisterhood of women.

  Chandler : Oh, he's more than that. He's a fiend that robbed me of my manhood.

• Chandler : Why do you think I deviate toward men?

  Sash : Some experts say that it's an imbalance in hormones.

  Chandler : No. It's because practically every woman I undress is wearing a House of Phillips girdle.

  Sash : Oh God, no!

  Chandler : Yes. They just stand there by the edge of the bed, waiting for me to pull the rest of their clothes off. And then they ask me what the hell am I staring at, as if I've never seen a girdle before.

  Sash : Oh, Chandler!

  Chandler : Do you know how it feels to relive the most hideous moment of your life again and again? And then those half-naked women wonder why my face turns white and why my eyes pop out of my head instead of something else popping out of my shorts. But it doesn't pop out. Not anymore.

• Chandler : Can you blame me for turning my back on women and giving what I have up front to men?

  Sash : No, darling, no, but what can free you of this crippling disorder?

  Chandler : The destruction of The House of Phillips Unlimited.

• Sash : I was ordered to lend you a hand and nothing more. Those were the orders from our General over there, with her junk-jewelry medals.

• Roo : What was she telling you about back there?

  Toydy : Oh, nothin' much, something about Tucson.

  Roo : About how she used to have a red butt?

  Sash : Shut up, Ruta!

  Toydy : That's it. She said she had a red butt when she was in Arizona.

  Roo : She didn't get it from lying in too much sun, I can tell you that.

• Mrs. Gert Hammond : Your zipper's open, young man.

  Toydy : Mmm, sorry. Fresh mouth over there wasn't satisfied with handling her stick shift.

  Roo : It wasn't my fault the goddamned crash happened. Angelpuss over there was to blame.

  Sash : And for good reason, to shut you up!

  Roo : Well, you shut me up this time, baby, but maybe next time you won't be so lucky.

• Sash : Afraid of the dead, Roo?

  Roo : No, I just don't like things that lie on their backs all the time without turning over.

  Toydy : I couldn't agree with you more!

  Bond : Not me. I always sleep on my back.

  Toydy : And why is that?

  Bond : Cuz in the back, everything lies down flat. Nothing pokes up.

  Toydy : There's nuthin flat about your back. In fact, it's damn nice and round!

• [Toydy walks in as Sash is dressing] 

  Toydy : I heard this was the melon season, and now I believe it!

  Sash : Melons have seeds, and I don't.

  Toydy : Not even after that encounter with Johnny Appleseed over there?

• Sash : Chandler, let me go down Highway 135 with you.

  Chandler : To Waco, Texas?

  Sash : To the House of Phillips Unlimited, with its red neon sign branding the Texas sky with the mark of death.

  Chandler : Do you wanna help me shatter that sign until it reads "The House of Phillips Limited?" And then just "The House," until finally there's no sign at all, just a mass of flaming debris?

  Sash : Your mission in life is my mission. I love you.

• Roo : You wanted to know why she had a red butt when we lived in Tucson, didn't you, Toydy?

  Sash : Go ahead, Roo. I'm not afraid.

  Toydy : Yeah, go ahead. I'd like to know how she got a red butt.

  Roo : It's because... It's because it was lonely there in Tucson, and she was as horny as a desert lizard. There was nothing for miles around but cactus! A forest of juicy, stumpy cactus that rose nine inches high into the desert air. Why, it was so boring that Sash over here would pull up those cactus with ice tongs and sit for hours plucking out the needles with silver tweezers. Only, you couldn't get them all out, could you, Sash?

  Sash : Yes, I could. I got them all out. The doctor said that the rash in my buttocks was caused by a type of chlorophyll poisoning.

  Roo : And she got that rash by gyrating for hours on the stumpy shaft of a Tucson cactus!

  Toydy : How come there was no red rash further down, like on the private parts?

  Roo : Because her *private parts* were reserved for that stuffed Gila monster her father kept on the mantel!

• Toydy : What did she call this place?

  Sash : I heard her say something like, "Prairie Blossom."

  Toydy : "Lush Gardens" would be more fitting.

• Bing : The lion's named Samson. He had the strength of ten men until, like the biblical hero, they clipped his toenails.

  Chandler : And his teeth. You said they took out his teeth.

  Sash : That's a terrible thing to do!

  Roo : Sometimes men wish mine were gone, but that's another story. A dirty one.