Ken Scudder: Bond

Quotes 

• Bond : What did I do wrong, Chandler? That's the second time that you've flown off the handle tonight. The first time is when I wanted to show you that tattoo on my thigh.

  Chandler : I told you at the time that I had no interest whatsoever in looking at a tattoo of a dodo bird.

  Bond : But they're extinct! You can't see them anymore!

  Chandler : I'm well aware of that, Bond, but I think that having one tattooed on your hairy thigh is in extreme poor taste, especially considering that the species has vanished forever.

  Bond : But my thigh isn't hairy.

• Chandler : Bond, I, uh... I find you very attractive. So attractive that I want to throw you out of this car!

  Bond : Well, I don't get it. If you find me so attractive, why the hell would you want to throw me out of the car? I mean, I'm the one that ought to be getting out of this car voluntarily, knowing what's on your mind.

• Chandler : Give me a puff of that cigarette, kid.

  Bond : First it's a pipe. Now it's a cigarette. What's it gonna be next, Chandler? White Owl cigar maybe?

  Chandler : You've got an uncanny way of getting under my skin.

  Bond : Wouldn't it be much nicer if I got into it rather than under it?

• Bond : I'm young and I'm restless. I'm not to be trusted. There's a lot of energy in this body, Willene, and it hops around from bed to bed like a flea. To be bit by a lovebug like me could be a pretty scratchy situation.

  Willene : I don't care, my love. All I ask is that when I start itching, you start scratching.

• Bing : It's not the quadrupeds that are dangerous, it's that gargantuan biped.

  Bond : What the hell is a biped?

  Chandler : You're a biped, dummy.

  Bond : Now look, Chandler, I don't mind you calling me a dummy, but don't be calling me any dirty Italian names!

• Sash : You can't threaten me anymore, Roo. I don't care what you say. For the first time in my life, I'm in love with a man.

  Bond : You sure about his credentials?

• Bond : You mean you let some nun stick a elephant syringe in your organ while your husband beats his meat and waits?

  Willene : My husband does not beat his meat! He fluctuates his firmness.

• [Toydy offered a means of escape in exchange for sex with Bond] 

  Willene : You did that for me?

  Bond : Ah, it's no big deal.

  Willene : I saw Toydy's naked body, so don't go telling me it was no big deal. There's no greater love that a man can show a woman than to give his body to the enemy.

  [they kiss] 

  Bond : Ah, come on, Willene, I had to get broken in sometime. This way, if things don't work out with you, maybe something'll click with your husband.

• Bond : Well, all right. Now that you've got that off your chest - and out of your buttocks - what next?

• Chandler : You're gonna get it. One of these days, you're gonna get it so big, it's gonna turn you black and blue for a week!

  Bond : I give it, Mack, I don't take it.

• [Roo attempts to shove a dildo into Bond] 

  Bond : Hey, look, lady! I give it. I don't take it.

  Roo : Give and take is a fact of life, like in and out, loverboy.

  Bond : Well, you may like it in, but I want it out when it comes to this kinda hanky panky!

• Bond : Well, you were right about one thing.

  [Bond kisses Willene] 

  Willene : What was I right about?

  Bond : I am an animal.

  Willene : What kind?

  Bond : A rhinoceros! Can't you tell by my horn?

  [Bond shoves down his jeans] 

• Bond : It's just that...

  Chandler : What, Bond? My gazes? My admiring glances at your rather extravagant torso put you ill at ease?

  Bond : Well, no. It's just that that's all you're doing is just looking.

  Chandler : You mean you were expecting me to do something else? Me? Chandler Wilson? Heir to the Wilson fortune? And widower of Sarah Lou Phillips from the House of Phillips Unlimited?

  Bond : You mean the House of Phillips, that big girdle manufacturing plant down in Waco?

  Chandler : Yes. That's exactly what I mean. That big girdle factory in central Texas where everything grows big, especially a middle-age gut.

  Bond : I'm a scared of that.

  Chandler : Scared of what?

  Bond : Middle-aged gut.

• Bond : Didn't your wife pass away recently? I seem to remember reading something about it somewhere.

  Chandler : My wife, Sarah Lou Phillips, daughter of Leland, the creator of the House of Phillips Unlimited, died last year. Died a horrible death.

  Bond : I'm terribly sorry.

  Chandler : For her or for me?

  Bond : For the both of you.

  Chandler : Well, reserve your bleeding heart strictly for her. Our marriage was going up in smoke anyway. It's just that she turned the expression into a reality.

• Chandler : You're very observant, Bond. Is that where you got your good looking body? From chasing fire engines down the street?

  Bond : I work hard to get this body looking the way it does.

  Chandler : Well, I bet you have. And is the investment paying off?

  Bond : Not tonight, it isn't.

• Chandler : It's been a year since I've had any worthwhile sexual encounters.

  Bond : Is that when your wife died?

  Chandler : Oh, to hell with her! When I mentioned Sarah Lou Phillips, heiress to The House of Phillips Unlimited, I'm not talking about worthwhile sex. It wasn't sex that we shared in the dark on that Castro Convertible sofa her mother bought us. No. No, that was infantile perversion!

• Bond : I want you to tell me about it, Chandler.

  Chandler : Why? Why would a clean, good-looking kid like you want to delve into the filth of the rich?

  Bond : 'Cause it's a dark, stormy night and there ain't nothin' but this cigarette and a light on the radio dial and the rain... and your face in that light. You got a nice face, Chandler. You got a real nice face.

• Bond : We ought to go back. There might be people dying back there.

  Chandler : There are people up ahead who are dying too.

• Chandler : Listen kid, I vowed before embarking on this trip that once I started, I was never looking back. Now, I'm going to Waco, Texas, to that great giant girdle factory that stands like a mammoth mausoleum to the memory of my dead wife, Sarah Lou Phillips.

  Willene : You mean Sarah Lou Phillips of the House of Phillips Unlimited?

  Bond : Yeah. That's what he's talking about.

  Chandler : And I don't intend to water down my mission, the only mission I've got in life, just because some ball of fire lights up the night sky in this godforsaken nowhere land. No, the ball of fire I've got planned is going to rival the sun itself. You mark my words, Bond. It's gonna turn night into day!

• Bond : Shut up, Chandler. This isn't the time or the place.

  Chandler : No, it wouldn't be for you! You'd rather I told you at midnight behind the trash cans at a Greyhound bus depot. You cheap, rotten hustler.

  [Bond punches Chandler] 

  Bond : I'm sorry, Chandler, but you tried to cheapen me in front of all these people by suggesting that I'd sell my body to you for money! And that's an outright lie! When I give my body, it's like a gift from God - without any monteary reward!

  Chandler : "Monetary."

  Bond : That's what I said. It's like a gift from God without any kind of monetary reward.

  Willene : Amen.

  Toydy : Well, tell me, O divined one, can I light a candle at your altar sometime and pray that you'll bestow your blessings on me some night?

• Roo : I have a score to settle with this little cellar tramp!

  Chandler : You're talking about the woman I love.

  Bond : You, Chandler, and that woman?

  Chandler : Surprised, muscles? You didn't think I had it in me, huh?

  Bond : I sorta knew you didn't have it in you for a long time. Maybe that's why you were messing with her.

• [Willene opens the door and finds Toydy naked on top of Bond] 

  Willene : Bond! What's the meaning of this?

  Bond : I was just receiving our passport out of this place.

  Willene : If that kind of passport sends you, then I'm afraid you're just gonna have to go along without me.

  Toydy : The crate's all yours, kid! Sorry to see you go!

  [Toydy and Bond shake hands] 

  Bond : No more sorry than I am to see you come.

  Willene : What crate are you talking about?

  Toydy : There's a crate of bananas behind the sofa. Your boyfriend bargained his butt off for that fruit.

  Bond : It's usually the other way around. Fruits are always bargaining off their butts for me.

• Bond : You really gave me the shaft, Mack.

  Toydy : The pleasure was all mine.

• [Willene and Bond have sex] 

  Willene : Oh, Sister Mercy, forgive me, for I know not what I do.

  Bond : The tree of your body may be losing a cherry, but it's gaining two plums and a banana!

• Roo : Well, I've bared myself.

  Toydy : Oh, you did? When?

  Roo : Back there under the staircase. Bond and I indulged in a little soul searching. Didn't we, honey?

  Bond : It didn't take you long to find what you were looking for.

  Roo : That's because your zipper didn't get stuck.

• [Bond and Roo try to separate Toydy from Gert, who brandishes a meat cleaver] 

  Bond : Toydy, what the hell are you up to?

  Toydy : I was rubbing up the pubic hair with bacon fat, then she went crazy!

  Mrs. Gert Hammond : If I could get control of this meat cleaver, that's all you'd end up with down there is pubic hair!

• Chandler : I'll go get the wine... if Bond comes with me.

  Bond : I don't like cellars, Chandler. They smell funny.

• Roo : I'm more interested in somebody who can cut the mustard.

  Bond : You looking for a frankfurter to go along with that mustard?

  Roo : Sure am, but I come equipped with my own if it turns out you aren't kosher.

  Bond : My frankfurter don't care whether your buns are large or small. It ain't fussy.

• Sash : Afraid of the dead, Roo?

  Roo : No, I just don't like things that lie on their backs all the time without turning over.

  Toydy : I couldn't agree with you more!

  Bond : Not me. I always sleep on my back.

  Toydy : And why is that?

  Bond : Cuz in the back, everything lies down flat. Nothing pokes up.

  Toydy : There's nuthin flat about your back. In fact, it's damn nice and round!

• [Gert exits] 

  Willene : She is a wonderful woman of vigorous pioneer stock.

  Toydy : She's got some pair of boobs, I'll say that much!

  Willene : I think you've said just about enough.

  Bond : I bet her butt's seen a lot of plowing.

• Chandler : You and I've got some unfinished business to take care of later.

  Bond : Don't hold your breath. I'd hate to see that nice face turn blue.

• Bond : Didn't you hear that elephant trumpeting out in the storm? There's wild animals out there, Willene.

  Willene : Aren't there enough of them here in this house?

  Bond : Is that what you consider me, a animal?

  Willene : I consider you all debased by yearnings of the flesh.

• Willene : Do you see that vile object over there?

  Bond : You mean that dildo with a fork in it?

  Willene : I picked up that object cuz it was lying in the hall as a stimulus to deviltry!

• Willene : Sister Geneva was a bride to Jesus.

  Bond : Jesus didn't have no bride, just widows in black with a green elephant syringe.