- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Do you have a first name?
- Lt. Columbo: I do. My wife is about the only one that uses it.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: [to Columbo] Well, we have - we have similar jobs in a way. I wear a uniform, you wear, uh...
- [glances at Columbo's disheveled appearance]
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: ...suppose you could call that a uniform...
- Lt. Columbo: I guess boys will be boys.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Boys WILL be boys, Lieutenant, but someone's gotta turn 'em into men.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Hey, you, mister! You better hand that over to the police.
- Lt. Columbo: I'm gonna do that, sir.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: This is a restricted area. You better leave. Officer. You may wish to detain this man. He refuses to leave the area.
- Sergeant George Kramer: This man is Lt. Columbo, sir. He's in charge of the investigation.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Some problems with geometry, Miller?
- Boodle Boy: Yes, sir, but my grades are better this quarter, sir.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Work on them, Miller. Geometry is logic and logic is the battlefield of adulthood.
- Boodle Boy: Yes, sir.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Dismissed.
- Boodle Boy: Yes,sir.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Um, if I pass the butter, will you promise to explain to me why the conversation was unsatisfactory?
- Lt. Columbo: [Realizing that he has been proceeding on an erroneous assumption] Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe nobody's trying to kill you. You know, I've been wrong before. You know, you can get too complicated. Bill Haynes was blown up. Let's keep it simple. Somebody was trying to blow up Bill Haynes. What are we beating our brains in for? At least that way you can sleep easier.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: [Tacitly acknowledging that Columbo has guessed the truth, offers him a top-brand cigar] Would you like to try one of quality, for a change?
- Lt. Columbo: You have to forgive me, it's not me, it's my mind, it's very slow, and I have to pin everything down.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Don't you expect me to be contrite, Lieutenant. It had to be done, and I'd do it again tomorrow.
- Lt. Columbo: Oh, I thought this was a vacant dormitory.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: It is.
- Lt. Columbo: I see.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: But it will change. Maybe not this year. Maybe not next. But it's going to change, mister. You can put your money on it. No more reluctant mama's boys, no more 4F's, no more Section Eights. This country is going to have the best damn army in the world. And Haynes Military Academy will be a part of it.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Gentlemen, I realize that it's early in the day and this may take some hours. But someone in this dormitory is fermenting cider. And no matter how long it takes, I intend to find the cider, and PUNISH the CULPRITS! Understood?
- Cadets, all together: Sir, yes, sir!
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: [Louder] Understood?
- Cadets, all together: Yes, sir!
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: How do you explain those shoes, Miller? Those shoes are a disgrace. Following this morning's ceremonies, you will report to my office for... discipline.
- William Haynes: The war is over.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: It's never over, William. There are too many people set on destroying our country. And that is why institutions like this academy cannot be allowed to die.
- William Haynes: Y ou know the incredible thing about you, Rumford? You really believe those cliches.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: What do you believe in, William? That plastic world of advertising that you fit into so snugly? It is people like you, William, that have made our world a moral junkyard.
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: I think you're working too hard, Lieutenant. Everything is not a murder, you know. In your business, accidents do happen, you know that.
- Lt. Columbo: ALL CADETS, REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE!
- Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Lieutenant, what the hell's going on here?