Friend:
[
in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her.
Fabrizio:
[
in Italian] For how long?
Friend:
[
in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.
Fabrizio:
[
in Italian] How long with your wife?
Friend:
[
in Italian] Thirty seconds.
Fabrizio:
[
in Italian, in awe] Lucky!
The Fool:
My father! You who died in childbirth!
Victor Shakapopulis:
I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."
The Operator:
Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there?
The Operator:
Think we're gonna have intercourse tonight?
The Queen:
Kiss me quick!
The Fool:
Yes!... where is your quick?
The Queen:
Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.
The Fool:
Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.
[
the Fool standing next to the Queen in her bedroom]
The King:
[
to the Queen] Come, give me a kiss.
The Fool:
'Course, Milord - stick out your tongue.
The Fool:
Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.
The Fool:
With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!
[
the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress]
The Fool:
Hi Milord! You remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?
[
Dr. Ross's wife has caught him in bed with a sheep wearing sexy black garters]
Mrs. Ross:
[
upset] How could you?
Dr Doug Ross:
This is Mrs. Bencours, one of my patients. She thinks she's a sheep.
[
Dr. Ross is in divorce court]
Divorce Court Judge:
The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep - most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old.
Gina:
[
in Italian] Fabrizio, go easy on my hymen.
Gina:
[
in Italian] It was my first time. Did you like it?
Fabrizio:
[
in Italian] Me? Are you kidding? More fun than laughing.
[
Fabrizio tries in vain to get Gina excited]
Fabrizio:
[
romantically, in Italian, as he rubs her] Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...
[
a long time later, Gina is still insensitive]
Fabrizio:
[
sleepily, in Italian] Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...
[
Fabrizio falls asleep on top of her]
Woods County Sheriff:
[
on radio] Be on the look out for a large female breast.
Victor Shakapopulis:
It's about a 4000 with an X-cup.
Woods County Sheriff:
About a 4000 with an X-cup.
Helen Lacey:
You're insane!
Dr. Bernardo:
That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson for creating a 400-foot diaphragm. Contraception for the entire nation at once!
Sperm #1:
I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.
Helen Lacey:
Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!
Victor Shakapopulis:
Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.
Dr. Bernardo:
In here I have twenty scouts. I want to measure your respiration when they gang-bang you.
Dr. Bernardo:
Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.
Victor Shakapopulis:
How often does that problem come up with a hippo?
Dr. Bernardo:
Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.
Victor Shakapopulis:
But why? What good will this do anybody?
Dr. Bernardo:
It'll show those fools who called me mad!
The Operator:
Attention gonads were going for seconds.
The Girl:
For me, Norman Mailer has exactly that same sort of relevance - that affirmitive, negative duality that only Proust or Flaubert could achieve.
The Operator:
I don't know if we're gonna make it or not, doesn't look too good.
The Girl:
I'm a graduate of New York University.
The Operator:
We're gonna make it.
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