- Joe Mitcham: Okay, okay. But if we do get to summon up the big daddy with the horns and the tail, he gets to bring his own liquor, his own bird and his own pot.
- Professor Van Helsing: A treatise on the black mass? What do you want with this?
- Jessica Van Helsing: Oh, just a quiet bit of mind blowing.
- Professor Van Helsing: Jessica, this is not a subject to mess around with. These are scientific works.
- Jessica Van Helsing: You can buy that sort of stuff in almost any shady bookshop in Soho. I think it's all kinky.
- Professor Van Helsing: What's that?
- Jessica Van Helsing: Weird, man. Way out. I mean, spooks, hobgoblins, black magic. All that jazz.
- Professor Van Helsing: [spelling Johnny Alucard's surname backwards] A disciple of Dracula. Oh my God!
- Bob: Okay, okay, so we'll go to the cavern tomorrow, usual time. Laura will be there. A bit drained, but she'll be there.
- Narrator: [Opening] The year 1872 and the nightmare legend of Count Dracula extends its terror far beyond the mountains of Carpathia to the Victorian metropolis of London here in Hyde park the final confrontation between Lawrence van Helsing and his arch enemy the demon vampire Dracula.
- Professor Van Helsing: There is evil in the world. There are dark, awful things. Occasionally, we get a glimpse of them. But there are dark corners; horrors almost impossible to imagine... even in our worst nightmares.
- Johnny Alucard: Look, just to show I'm sorry, I got two tickets for the Jazz spectacular at the Albert hall.
- Inspector: Van Helsing?
- Detective Sergeant: Her grandfather is Professor Lorimer Van Helsing, London University. He helped us once.
- Inspector: Oh, yes, that extortion mob. Money by blackmail. Something to do with witchcraft. Some cult or other.
- Detective Sergeant: Yes, he's a specialist in that sort of thing.
- Inspector: Witchcraft.
- [plays with executive toy]
- Inspector: Occult. Churchyards.
- Professor Van Helsing: There is a Satan.
- Inspector: Of course. Otherwise we wouldn't need a police force, would we?
- Jessica Van Helsing: I wish someone would tell me what all this is about.
- Professor Van Helsing: Murder, Jessica. That's what all this is about. Ghastly, horrible, obscene murder!
- Joe Mitcham: Is there anybody down there wishing to talk to anyone up here? Ooh, it's for you, Sapphire!
- Gaynor: That gig went out with mini-skirts, you schlep.
- Detective Sergeant: Any chance of a cup of coffee and a cheese roll, sir? I'm starving!
- Inspector: Don't know if they're serving coffee and cheese rolls at Joe's party, but I'll see what I can do for you. Let's get over there and find out what they are doing... before it's all over.
- Detective Sergeant: It's going to be a bit heavy going, sir, don't you think? Trying to interview a bunch of kids while there's a party going on?
- Inspector: Sergeant, I'll bet you a pound to a pinch of shit... that there's a little piece of hash at that party... and if there is, I've got them. Means I can hold them. If I can hold them, I can talk to them, and I'll settle for that, for the moment.
- Professor Van Helsing: Count Dracula Look on me Dracula look on me and remember
- [flashback to 1872 when Dracula was destroyed the first time]
- Count Dracula: You dare to play your brain against mine one who has commanded nations.
- Professor Van Helsing: You see.
- Inspector: No, Professor Van Helsing, I don't see. I'm just a plain run-of-the-mill copper.