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"Are You Being Served?" (1972)
Mrs. Slocombe:
[removes her gas mask] What about this fog! My pussy's been gasping all night.
Miss Brahms: Perhaps some Arab sheik has bought us all.
Mr. Lucas: Mrs. Slocombe will come into her own, then, won't she? They like 'em big in the east... come to think of it, she's very big in the south as well.
Mr. Humphries: And Mrs. Peacock. Just to let you know Miss Belfridge will be directly under Captain Peacock.
Mr. Grainger: Mrs. Slocombe. I suggest you take your underwear down at once.
Mr. Lucas: Same goes for Miss Brahms.
[about a suggestion in the suggestion box]
Captain Peacock: This one is unsigned, and suggests that you do something physically impossible with the suggestion box.
Miss Brahms: Well if England's a such good country you've cracked it up to be. How come then we've got strikes & inflation. Mmm? So what's so good about England then?
Captain Peacock: I shall tell you what is so good about England Miss Brahms. It is the only country in the world that isn't semi-detached.
[referring to Miss Brahms's house]
Captain Peacock: .
Mr. Humphries: [deep voice] Menswear.
[catchphrase]
Mr. Humphries: I'm free.
[repeated line]
Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: I'm free!
[repeated line]
Mr. Grainger: Don't worry if the sleeves are too long, you'll find they'll ride up with wear.
[repeated line]
Mrs. Slocombe: ...and I am unanimous in this!
[repeated line]
Young Mr. Grace: You've all done very well!
Mr. Rumbold: Let's try to keep it light and gay.
Mr. Lucas: [to Mr. Humphries] I'll handle the "light" part.
[the nurse is coaching Old Mr. Grace on an electric bicycle]
Mr. Grace's Nurse: I've got a surprise for you, Mr. Grace. You've been doing it on your own the last five minutes.
Old Mr. Grace: You get used to that sort of thing at my time of life.
[Captain Peacock beckons to Mrs Slocombe]
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, I do not respond to any man's finger.
Miss Brahms: I want some excitement, I want to do something with my life. I'm looking for Dallas and all I'm getting is Coronation Street.
Mr. Humphries: You're lucky. All I'm getting is Jackanory.
Mr. Humphries: Glass of water for Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Lucas: Glass of water coming up.
Mrs. Slocombe: You know, I always keep a couple of pound notes tucked away in me knickers, just for emergencies. Unfortunately, last week, I had an emergency.
Mr. Humphries: Ooh, what happened?
Mrs. Slocombe: The elastic broke and I dropped one in the Haymarket and it blew off down the street. Two seconds later, the other one followed it.
Mrs. Slocombe: Sorry I'm late. The central heating broke down. I had to light the oven and hold my pussy infront of it. Poor little thing, it's tail had been hanging out of it's basket all night long!
Mr. Humphries: [discussing having to hang onto backs of buses and skateboard to Grace Brothers to save money] I had just bent down to tighten my nuts, and there was a double yellow line, see? And next thing I knew, there was policeman behind me. He put a sticker on my helmet and tried to clamp me.
Mrs. Slocombe: [Mr. Humphries has just been sacked for being a "troublemaker"] I can't believe this is our last morning coffee together!
Miss Brahms: Coffee? I thought this was tea.
Mr. Bert Spooner: No, the tea's the one with the froth on top.
Old Mr. Grace's secretary: Mr. Grace, here's a new applicant for your secretary.
Old Mr. Grace: Thank you. Leave us alone!
[secretary leaves, Miss Edwards stays]
Old Mr. Grace: What's your name, dear?
Old Mr. Grace's secretary: Virginia Redwood!
Old Mr. Grace: That's a nice name.
Old Mr. Grace's secretary: Would you like to see my curriculum vitae?
Old Mr. Grace: Not at 10:30 in the morning.
Captain Peacock: [staff are doing crosswords] I'm on a very difficult one in the Times. Two words, "a" and "p". Found in an ancient Greek bath.
Mrs. Slocombe: Ancient Greek bath. "A" and "p". It's on the tip of my tongue.
[pause]
Mrs. Slocombe: I've got it: A plughole!
Miss Brahms: [rolls eyes] Archimedes' Principle.
Captain Peacock: [surprised] I wasn't aware that you were acquainted with Ancient Greece, Miss Brahms.
Miss Brahms: I'm not. I read it off a matchbox.
Mrs. Slocombe: [into phone] Yes.
[pause]
Mrs. Slocombe: Yes.
[pause]
Mrs. Slocombe: I will.
[hangs up phone]
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock?
Captain Peacock: Yes?
Mrs. Slocombe: Apparently Miss Belfridge is in one of the fitting rooms, and Mr. Rumbold requires her in his office.
Miss Brahms: She must have got in early!
Mrs. Slocombe: She's no right to be there without my permission.
Captain Peacock: Or mine. Get her out of there, Miss Brahms, I shall speak to her most severely about this.
Miss Brahms: [walks to fitting room] Here! Captain Peacock wants you out here, at the double.
Miss Belfridge: [walks out in outfit that is barely more than a bra and pantyhose, with Captain Peacock's eyes glued to her bust] You wanted to see me, Stephen?
Captain Peacock: You should really ask for my permission to be on the floor, but I'll overlook it this time.
Mrs. Slocombe: It's the only thing he has overlooked.
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock! Captain Peacock!
Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, you will return to your post. When I turn around, you will raise your arm. I will ask, "What is, Mrs. Slocombe?" You will ask me, "Are you free?" If I nod, you may then approach me.
Miss Virginia Edwards: [sitting on Mr. Grace's lap while typing] Mr. Grace, there's a man hanging outside your window!
Old Mr. Grace: It's young Mr. Humphries!
[raises his voice]
Old Mr. Grace: What are you doing out there?
Mr. Humphries: I just want you to know that we're all on the roof and we're not coming down until our demands have been satisfied!
Old Mr. Grace: I'm in very much the same position.
Mr. Beverley Harman: Ah, here's your instant coffee, sir.
Mr. Rumbold: Why's it called instant coffee?
Mr. Beverley Harman: Because there is only one instant at which it tastes like coffee.
Captain Peacock: [walks up to the manageress] Did you notice that I was clicking my fingers, clearing my throat and banging my spoon on the table?
Canteen Manageress: I did notice it, yeah.
Captain Peacock: And what message do those actions convey to you?
Canteen Manageress: Well, when my two-year-old does it, it usually means he needs to go to the potty.
Captain Peacock: Your truculent behavior as not gone unnoticed and will be reported!
Canteen Manageress: Good! That's what I hoped. Then perhaps the management will realise that sacking my waiting staff is more trouble than it's worth because I ain't serving.
[pause]
Canteen Manageress: You'll have to make do with a set menu.
Captain Peacock: Well, then, may I ask you what is on this set menu, or are you not programmed to give an intelligent response?
Miss Brahms: [walks onto the floor with Mrs. Slocombe, carrying candles because the lights are out] We spent 10p for these candles, and we still couldn't find the ladies' room.
Mr. Beverley Harman: Why don't you pop down to Pets? They've got a special offer on kitty litter.
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, are you going to just stand there and let me be insulted?
Captain Peacock: This seems as good a place as any.
[Mr. Spooner walks in with a handheld, non-electric lamp]
Captain Peacock: Oh, that's better.
Mr. Bert Spooner: I had to kiss three girls in Camping to get this.
Miss Brahms: But there's only two girls in camping and a man with a beard!
Mr. Bert Spooner: So I found out when I lit the lamp.
Mrs. Slocombe: Are you free, Captain Peacock?
Captain Peacock: [looks about him] At the moment.
Captain Peacock: [Knocking on Mr. Rumbold's door] We're all outside, sir.
Mr. Rumbold: People who knock usually are!
Mrs. Slocombe: [Mrs Slocombe is remebering her wartime memories] I'll tell you something, I was walking through Covent Garden and then I was thrown on my back by the German Air force.
Mr. Lucas: And the American Air Force I'll bet!
[discussing the new informal policy of the store]
Mr. Rumbold: Um, what do you think?
Captain Peacock: I was dubious at first but, I can see the advantage of being able to speak one's mind and get things off one's chest without fear of upsetting anybody.
Mr. Rumbold: I'm so glad you feel that Stephen, because there's something I've been wanting to say to you all day.
Captain Peacock: Oh really Cuthbert, what's that?
Mr. Rumbold: Get stuffed.
[Mrs. Slocombe has just taken a ride on Miss Brahms' uncle's motorcycle]
Mrs. Slocombe: When you said he was a TT driver, I thought you meant he didn't drink!
[discussing about adopting the US image of a store]
Mr. Rumbold: ...and we must all call each other by our first names. Mr Lucas, what is your first name?
Mr. Lucas: FORGET ABOUT IT! Just call me Mr Lucas.
Mr. Rumbold: We can't have that, now, can we Mr Lucas! Tell me your first name.
Mr. Lucas: [after a long pause] *Dick.*
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Miss Brahms: Perhaps some Arab sheik has bought us all.
Mr. Lucas: Mrs. Slocombe will come into her own, then, won't she? They like 'em big in the east... come to think of it, she's very big in the south as well.
Mr. Humphries: And Mrs. Peacock. Just to let you know Miss Belfridge will be directly under Captain Peacock.
Mr. Grainger: Mrs. Slocombe. I suggest you take your underwear down at once.
Mr. Lucas: Same goes for Miss Brahms.
[about a suggestion in the suggestion box]
Captain Peacock: This one is unsigned, and suggests that you do something physically impossible with the suggestion box.
Miss Brahms: Well if England's a such good country you've cracked it up to be. How come then we've got strikes & inflation. Mmm? So what's so good about England then?
Captain Peacock: I shall tell you what is so good about England Miss Brahms. It is the only country in the world that isn't semi-detached.
[referring to Miss Brahms's house]
Captain Peacock: .
Mr. Humphries: [deep voice] Menswear.
[catchphrase]
Mr. Humphries: I'm free.
[repeated line]
Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: I'm free!
[repeated line]
Mr. Grainger: Don't worry if the sleeves are too long, you'll find they'll ride up with wear.
[repeated line]
Mrs. Slocombe: ...and I am unanimous in this!
[repeated line]
Young Mr. Grace: You've all done very well!
Mr. Rumbold: Let's try to keep it light and gay.
Mr. Lucas: [to Mr. Humphries] I'll handle the "light" part.
[the nurse is coaching Old Mr. Grace on an electric bicycle]
Mr. Grace's Nurse: I've got a surprise for you, Mr. Grace. You've been doing it on your own the last five minutes.
Old Mr. Grace: You get used to that sort of thing at my time of life.
[Captain Peacock beckons to Mrs Slocombe]
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, I do not respond to any man's finger.
Miss Brahms: I want some excitement, I want to do something with my life. I'm looking for Dallas and all I'm getting is Coronation Street.
Mr. Humphries: You're lucky. All I'm getting is Jackanory.
Mr. Humphries: Glass of water for Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Lucas: Glass of water coming up.
Mrs. Slocombe: You know, I always keep a couple of pound notes tucked away in me knickers, just for emergencies. Unfortunately, last week, I had an emergency.
Mr. Humphries: Ooh, what happened?
Mrs. Slocombe: The elastic broke and I dropped one in the Haymarket and it blew off down the street. Two seconds later, the other one followed it.
Mrs. Slocombe: Sorry I'm late. The central heating broke down. I had to light the oven and hold my pussy infront of it. Poor little thing, it's tail had been hanging out of it's basket all night long!
Mr. Humphries: [discussing having to hang onto backs of buses and skateboard to Grace Brothers to save money] I had just bent down to tighten my nuts, and there was a double yellow line, see? And next thing I knew, there was policeman behind me. He put a sticker on my helmet and tried to clamp me.
Mrs. Slocombe: [Mr. Humphries has just been sacked for being a "troublemaker"] I can't believe this is our last morning coffee together!
Miss Brahms: Coffee? I thought this was tea.
Mr. Bert Spooner: No, the tea's the one with the froth on top.
Old Mr. Grace's secretary: Mr. Grace, here's a new applicant for your secretary.
Old Mr. Grace: Thank you. Leave us alone!
[secretary leaves, Miss Edwards stays]
Old Mr. Grace: What's your name, dear?
Old Mr. Grace's secretary: Virginia Redwood!
Old Mr. Grace: That's a nice name.
Old Mr. Grace's secretary: Would you like to see my curriculum vitae?
Old Mr. Grace: Not at 10:30 in the morning.
Captain Peacock: [staff are doing crosswords] I'm on a very difficult one in the Times. Two words, "a" and "p". Found in an ancient Greek bath.
Mrs. Slocombe: Ancient Greek bath. "A" and "p". It's on the tip of my tongue.
[pause]
Mrs. Slocombe: I've got it: A plughole!
Miss Brahms: [rolls eyes] Archimedes' Principle.
Captain Peacock: [surprised] I wasn't aware that you were acquainted with Ancient Greece, Miss Brahms.
Miss Brahms: I'm not. I read it off a matchbox.
Mrs. Slocombe: [into phone] Yes.
[pause]
Mrs. Slocombe: Yes.
[pause]
Mrs. Slocombe: I will.
[hangs up phone]
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock?
Captain Peacock: Yes?
Mrs. Slocombe: Apparently Miss Belfridge is in one of the fitting rooms, and Mr. Rumbold requires her in his office.
Miss Brahms: She must have got in early!
Mrs. Slocombe: She's no right to be there without my permission.
Captain Peacock: Or mine. Get her out of there, Miss Brahms, I shall speak to her most severely about this.
Miss Brahms: [walks to fitting room] Here! Captain Peacock wants you out here, at the double.
Miss Belfridge: [walks out in outfit that is barely more than a bra and pantyhose, with Captain Peacock's eyes glued to her bust] You wanted to see me, Stephen?
Captain Peacock: You should really ask for my permission to be on the floor, but I'll overlook it this time.
Mrs. Slocombe: It's the only thing he has overlooked.
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock! Captain Peacock!
Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, you will return to your post. When I turn around, you will raise your arm. I will ask, "What is, Mrs. Slocombe?" You will ask me, "Are you free?" If I nod, you may then approach me.
Miss Virginia Edwards: [sitting on Mr. Grace's lap while typing] Mr. Grace, there's a man hanging outside your window!
Old Mr. Grace: It's young Mr. Humphries!
[raises his voice]
Old Mr. Grace: What are you doing out there?
Mr. Humphries: I just want you to know that we're all on the roof and we're not coming down until our demands have been satisfied!
Old Mr. Grace: I'm in very much the same position.
Mr. Beverley Harman: Ah, here's your instant coffee, sir.
Mr. Rumbold: Why's it called instant coffee?
Mr. Beverley Harman: Because there is only one instant at which it tastes like coffee.
Captain Peacock: [walks up to the manageress] Did you notice that I was clicking my fingers, clearing my throat and banging my spoon on the table?
Canteen Manageress: I did notice it, yeah.
Captain Peacock: And what message do those actions convey to you?
Canteen Manageress: Well, when my two-year-old does it, it usually means he needs to go to the potty.
Captain Peacock: Your truculent behavior as not gone unnoticed and will be reported!
Canteen Manageress: Good! That's what I hoped. Then perhaps the management will realise that sacking my waiting staff is more trouble than it's worth because I ain't serving.
[pause]
Canteen Manageress: You'll have to make do with a set menu.
Captain Peacock: Well, then, may I ask you what is on this set menu, or are you not programmed to give an intelligent response?
Miss Brahms: [walks onto the floor with Mrs. Slocombe, carrying candles because the lights are out] We spent 10p for these candles, and we still couldn't find the ladies' room.
Mr. Beverley Harman: Why don't you pop down to Pets? They've got a special offer on kitty litter.
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, are you going to just stand there and let me be insulted?
Captain Peacock: This seems as good a place as any.
[Mr. Spooner walks in with a handheld, non-electric lamp]
Captain Peacock: Oh, that's better.
Mr. Bert Spooner: I had to kiss three girls in Camping to get this.
Miss Brahms: But there's only two girls in camping and a man with a beard!
Mr. Bert Spooner: So I found out when I lit the lamp.
Mrs. Slocombe: Are you free, Captain Peacock?
Captain Peacock: [looks about him] At the moment.
Captain Peacock: [Knocking on Mr. Rumbold's door] We're all outside, sir.
Mr. Rumbold: People who knock usually are!
Mrs. Slocombe: [Mrs Slocombe is remebering her wartime memories] I'll tell you something, I was walking through Covent Garden and then I was thrown on my back by the German Air force.
Mr. Lucas: And the American Air Force I'll bet!
[discussing the new informal policy of the store]
Mr. Rumbold: Um, what do you think?
Captain Peacock: I was dubious at first but, I can see the advantage of being able to speak one's mind and get things off one's chest without fear of upsetting anybody.
Mr. Rumbold: I'm so glad you feel that Stephen, because there's something I've been wanting to say to you all day.
Captain Peacock: Oh really Cuthbert, what's that?
Mr. Rumbold: Get stuffed.
[Mrs. Slocombe has just taken a ride on Miss Brahms' uncle's motorcycle]
Mrs. Slocombe: When you said he was a TT driver, I thought you meant he didn't drink!
[discussing about adopting the US image of a store]
Mr. Rumbold: ...and we must all call each other by our first names. Mr Lucas, what is your first name?
Mr. Lucas: FORGET ABOUT IT! Just call me Mr Lucas.
Mr. Rumbold: We can't have that, now, can we Mr Lucas! Tell me your first name.
Mr. Lucas: [after a long pause] *Dick.*
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