- Edgar Stopworth: The booze bone is connected to the smoke bone and the smoke bone is connected to the head bone and that's the word of the Lord!
- Dr. Proctor: Reverend, help - I've been shot through the heart...
- Rev. Clayton Brooks: But you're clutching your side...
- Dr. Proctor: I know where I've been shot, dammit, I'm a doctor! Oooooh!
- Rev. Clayton Brooks: Dr. Procter, tell me: is there anything I can do?
- Dr. Proctor: Yeah, light me...
- Edgar Stopworth: My drinking is directly connected to my smoking. Now, when I say "directly", I mean there's a thing - a physical thing - that is directly connected from my liquor buds to the smoke pouch in my lungs. If you want me to quit smoking, you would have to cut - I mean, you'd have to physically cut that thing! And when you do, my head's gonna fall off! Do you understand, reverman? The booze bone's connected to the smoke bone. And the smoke bone's connected to the head bone. and that's the word of the lord!
- David Chetley: Mr. Kandiss - the Valiant Tobacco Company's Cold Turkey Program is in it's eleventh day. How do you feel about that?
- Mr. Kandiss: I told you to leave me the *bleep* alone!
- [punches him out]
- David Chetley: David Chetley, Charlotte, North Carolina.
- Amos Bush: Colonel Galloway, Washington - the whole country's got it's hand out. Something for nothing. Nobody wants to work anymore. Gimme this, gimme that - gimme, gimme, gimme! "Gimme, you federal government; gimme, you state government; gimme, you city government"! You know what I call it? The Gimme's!
- Dr. Proctor: I've never operated without having a cigarette first.
- Man on operating table: For God's sakes, let him smoke!
- Odie Turman: [Holding a pistol at Wren] Don't you move, now. With my palsy, you're in enough trouble just standing there.
- Amos Bush: Odie, what are you doing? Give me my gun!
- Odie Turman: But he's a Communist! Look at them cigarettes!
- Wren: I was just trying to explain to the, the old lady here, this car's a rental.
- Odie Turman: Sure. And I'm an unwed mother.
- Odie Turman: I searched the rear. He's clean!
- Amos Bush: Odie Turman, what are you doing here? I told you last night you're too old to do this!
- Odie Turman: You can't have too much help ferreting out them Communists!
- Amos Bush: Odie, we're not ferreting out Communists - we're looking for cigarettes.
- Odie Turman: Oh, so what. The red devils! Where's my pistol?
- Amos Bush: You can't have a pistol.
- Odie Turman: Why, that's a bullshit - you've got a pistol!
- Amos Bush: Odie, I am... I am running this blockade and I'm also the leader of the entire No Smoking Patrol and I wear the only pistol.
- Odie Turman: I'll tell that to a Communist when he H-bombs me. I'll tell him, "Before you H-bomb me, you go over to that man with a gun and get captured." You're a bullshit, Amos Bush!
- David Chetley: Mr. Kandiss - how did you react to the announcement of the Valiant Tobacco Company?
- Mr. Kandiss: Badly, very badly! Now you leave me the *bleep* alone!
- David Chetley: David Chetley, Charlotte, North Carolina.
- Tobacco Executive: You said no town in America would sign up.
- Wren: Must've - must've got my wires crossed somewhere.
- Tobacco Executive: Now you'll say they won't go through with it.
- Wren: Bottom line? Never.
- Tobacco Executive: How do you know they won't smoke and hide out? How do you know that, Wren?
- Wren: Well, they, uh... they took an oath. On, uh, like, a bible.
- Tobacco Executive: We didn't think it was on a slab of bacon.
- Homer Watson: I'd stick with first thing's first, like the safety and protection of our citizens.
- Dr. Proctor: Yes, yes! He's speaking of the new $4 million dollar hospital...
- Homer Watson: The hell you say! I'm talking about the new $2 million dollar police station!
- Dr. Proctor: No - no, no! There's got to be a new $4 million dollar hospital, after what I've been through! And I want it named after me, too! The Dr. Proctor Hoctor! The Hoctor General Proctor... The Hospitocktor of Dr. Proctor... Prosti... Dr. Proster Hoster... The Hoster...
- Cissy: Oh, why doesn't he pull himself together?