Yours, Mine and Ours (1968)
Lucille Ball: Helen North Beardsley
Photos
Quotes
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Colleen North : [as Helen is leaving for the hospital, about to have a baby] I know this is a terrible time to talk about it, but Larry says...
Frank Beardsley : I've got a message for Larry! You tell him *this* is what it's all about. This is the real happening. If you want to know what love really is, take a look around you.
Helen North : What are you two talking about?
Frank Beardsley : Take a good look at your mother.
Helen North : Not now!
Frank Beardsley : Yes, now.
Frank Beardsley : [to Colleen] It's giving life that counts. Until you're ready for it, all the rest is just a big fraud. All the crazy haircuts in the world won't keep it turning. Life isn't a love-in - it's the dishes, and the orthodontist, and the shoe repairman, and... ground round instead of roast beef. And I'll tell you something else: It isn't going to a bed with a man that proves you're in love with him; it's getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts!
[leaving the house, they say good-bye to the little kids]
Frank Beardsley : I suppose having nineteen kids is carrying it a bit too far - but if we had it to do over, who would we skip? You?
Helen North : [getting into the car] Thank you, Frank. I never quite knew how to explain it to her.
Frank Beardsley : If we don't get you to the hospital fast, the rest of it's gonna be explained right here!
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Frank Beardsley : We've decided to use our company manners. Helen, the boys have something to say to you.
Greg Beardsley : Mrs. North, I apologize for putting all that gin in your drink.
Helen North : Ooh, *that's* what did it.
Rusty Beardsley : And I apologize for all that vodka.
Mike Beardsley : And I apologize for the scotch.
Helen North : Scotch, vodka, and - ?
Frank Beardsley : Helen, you've been the victim of an alcoholic Pearl Harbor. It's amazing you survived at all.
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Frank Beardsley : I don't quite understand. Am I being stupid?
Helen North : No, you're being a man. Which is sometimes the same thing.
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Sister Mary Alice : I got here as fast as I could, Sister Mary. What is it this time?
Sister Mary Alice : Why don't you ask Phillip?
Helen North : Phillip?
[Phillip turns around revealing a black eye]
Helen North : Darling! What happened?
Phillip North : Nothing.
Helen North : Who did that to you?
Phillip North : One of the kids.
[points at Sister Mary]
Phillip North : *She* started it. She says I'm not legal.
Helen North : What?
Phillip North : And Mike isn't my brother.
Helen North : Of course he's your brother.
Phillip North : Then my name's Phillip Beardsley.
Sister Mary Alice : Phillip North.
Phillip North : There she goes again.
Sister Mary Alice : Sister, couldn't you - couldn't you just call him Phillip Beardsley?
Sister Mary Alice : I'm sorry, but the school requires that we use their legal names.
Phillip North : Let's go to another school.
Helen North : Sister, I, uh, I understand your legal problem, but you must try to understand mine. You see, I'm trying to bring two families together, and this is the first sign that I may be succeeding. So I really would appreciate it if you'd let Phillip sign his name Beardsley.
Sister Mary Alice : But legally, it's North.
Sister Mary Alice : But it's more important that emotionally, it's Beardsley.
Sister Mary Alice : North.
Helen North : Beardsley.
Sister Mary Alice : North!
Helen North : Beardsley, Beardsley, Beardsley!
Phillip North : Watch out, Mom. You might get a black eye.
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Mike Beardsley : [confronting Helen about her pregnancy] You knew about it Christmas Day, didn't you?
[she pauses, nods]
Mike Beardsley : And you still let Dad ship out.
Helen North : Yes.
Mike Beardsley : Why?
Helen North : He wanted so much to go. Two people can't live with an ocean between 'em for the rest of their lives. And if you write him about it, I'll shoot you!
Mike Beardsley : You would, too... Look, I'd just as soon he didn't know about this draft thing, either.
Helen North : Why not? Can't we tell him anything?
Mike Beardsley : No; I'm thinkin' about the Marines, though, and that would drive him out of his skull.
Helen North : Oh. OK.
Mike Beardsley : ...Do you really want this baby?
Helen North : Very much. You see, he won't have to worry whether he's a Beardsley or a North.
[Mike thinks a moment, then nods his head in understanding]
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Frank Beardsley : Is that all? Why didn't she tell me?
Helen North : Because you would have said, "Is that all?".
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Judge : There's been great fear expressed by many people that no one woman can give this large number of children sufficient attention and affection to allow them to grow up in a healthy atmosphere. But in this court's investigation of *your* home, the reverse seems to be true. All the children seem to be happy, well-fed, and normal! The house, amazingly clean and in good order. My wife has two children, one poodle, and a full-time maid, and can't seem to manage anything! What is your secret?
Helen North : Well, sir - a great deal of love, a little discipline... and a husband who doesn't criticize.
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Helen North : [getting ready for her date with Frank] Good heavens! What did you do to this dress?
Colleen North : Oh, Mother, it was practically an antique!
Janette North : We just shortened it a little.
Helen North : A little? I look like a teeny-bopper!
Janette North : What's wrong with that?
Helen North : I can't go out like this!
Jean North : Why not? Your legs are better than mine.
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Helen North : Frank, there's something I have to tell you before we go any further. I have eight children.
[sudden panic]
Helen North : Frank! We're on a cable car!
Frank Beardsley : Of course.
Helen North : I get sick on cable cars!
Frank Beardsley : Well wait'll you hear what I have to tell you. I have TEN children.
Helen North : Ten. TEN? Frank! Eight and ten is...
Frank Beardsley : Ridiculous.
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Helen North : [drunk] Boy, if this damn room would stop rolling around maybe I could find some place to be sick!
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Helen North : That was a wonderful dinner, I enjoyed all *eight* courses.
Frank Beardsley : So did I.
Helen North : And speaking of children...
Frank Beardsley : We weren't speaking of children.
Helen North : We weren't? Oh thank goodness.
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Frank Beardsley : This is the last time I'm going to bring it up but... you do like children, don't you?
Helen North : Yeah, within reason.
Frank Beardsley : In that case, the hell with it.
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Jean North : You mean he doesn't know about us?
Helen North : Well, of course he does, darling!
Jean North : All of us?
Colleen North : Oh, Mother, that's so romantic! You lied to him!
Helen North : I did not lie to him! I just didn't have the nerve to tell him the whole truth!
Colleen North : Mmm, I understand! No man wants a liaison with a woman with eight children!
Janette North : What's a liaison?
Colleen North : An affair.
Janette North : That's what I thought.
Jean North : Me too.
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Helen North : Your blues and greens are wonderful, but your he's and she's got a little mixed up.
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Helen North : Now that's just wonderful! And where was Veronica born?
Frank Beardsley : In Japan!
[Helen repeats]
Frank Beardsley : In Japan?
Frank Beardsley : I call her my little fortune cookie 'cause she came right after dinner!
Helen North : [Helen begins to laugh loudly] That's funny!
[ring bells in the kitchen]
Helen North : Where's the fire?
Rosemary Beardsley : Dinner is served!
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Family Doctor : What you have is a simple case of pregnancy. P-R-E-G...
Helen North : Doctor, if anyone knows how to spell it, I do!