The Producers (1967)
Zero Mostel: Max Bialystock
Photos
Quotes
-
Max Bialystock : How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?
-
Leo Bloom : [Searching for the sure-fire flop] ... Max, let's call it a night. It's two in the morning; I don't know what I'm reading anymore!
Max Bialystock : Read, read! We've got to find the worst play ever written!
[reads]
Max Bialystock : Ah. 'Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach.'
[thinks]
Max Bialystock : It's too good.
Leo Bloom : [later] ... Wait a minute... wait a minute - I've read this play. I'm reading plays I read this morning! I can't go on! It's too much! Max, let's face it; we'll never find it!
Max Bialystock : [laughing] ... O-ho! We'll never find it, huh...?
[singing]
Max Bialystock : Rio, Rio by the sea-o, Bialystock and Leo, oh me-oh, oh my...
[holding a script]
Max Bialystock : Leo, smell it! See it? Touch it, touch it...
Leo Bloom : What is it?
Max Bialystock : What is it! We've struck gold. Not fool's gold, but real gold! The Mother Lode. The Mother of them all! Kiss it, kiss it!
[Leo does]
Leo Bloom : You found a flop?
Max Bialystock : A flop! That's putting it mildly. We've found a disaster, a catastrophe, an outrage! A guaranteed-to-close-in-one-night beauty. This is freedom from want forever. This is a house in the country. This is a Rolls Royce and a Bentley. This is wine, women, and song... and women.
Leo Bloom : Let's see it.
[reading]
Leo Bloom : ... 'Springtime For Hitler: A Gay Romp With Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden.' Wow...!
Max Bialystock : Wow! It's practically a love-letter to Hitler!
Leo Bloom : This won't run an WEEK!
Max Bialystock : A week! Are you kidding? This has got to close on page four!
-
Max Bialystock : Shut up, I'm having a rhetorical conversation.
-
Leo Bloom : Actors are not animals! They're human beings!
Max Bialystock : They are? Have you ever eaten with one?
-
Max Bialystock : You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!
-
Roger De Bris : Ah, Bialystock and Bloom, I presume! Heh heh, forgive the pun!
Leo Bloom : [to Max] What pun?
Max Bialystock : Shut up, he thinks he's witty.
-
The landlord : He who signs a lease must pay rent. That's the law.
Max Bialystock : You miserable wretch! How dare you take the last penny out of a poor man's pocket?
The landlord : I have to. I'm a landlord.
Max Bialystock : [to God] Oh, Lord, hear my plea; destroy him! He maketh a blight on the land!
The landlord : [also to God] Don't listen to him; he's crazy.
-
Drunk : Eternally grateful... A TOAST!
Max Bialystock : A TOAST!
Leo Bloom : A TOAST... to what?
Drunk : To... to toast, I love toast.
Max Bialystock : To toast.
Leo Bloom : To toast.
-
Leo Bloom : Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.
Max Bialystock : Assume away.
Leo Bloom : It's very easy. You raise more money than you need.
Max Bialystock : What do you mean?
Leo Bloom : Well, you did it yourself, only you did it on a very small scale.
Max Bialystock : What did I do?
Leo Bloom : You raised $2,000 more than you needed to produce your last play.
Max Bialystock : So? What did it get me? *I'm wearing a CARDBOARD BELT*!
Leo Bloom : Well, that's where you made your mistake: you didn't go all the way. You see, if you were a truly bold criminal, you could've raised a million.
Max Bialystock : But the play cost me only $60,000 to produce!
Leo Bloom : And how long did it run?
Max Bialystock : One night.
Leo Bloom : You see? You see what I'm trying to tell you? You could've raised a million dollars, put on your $60,000 flop, and kept the rest.
Max Bialystock : But what if the play was a hit?
Leo Bloom : Well, then you'd go to jail. See, once the play's a hit, you have to pay off all the backers, and with so many backers, there could never be enough profits to go around. Get it?
Max Bialystock : Uh-huh. A-ha! So, in order for this scheme to work, we'd have to find a sure-fire flop!
Leo Bloom : What scheme?
Max Bialystock : What scheme! YOUR scheme, you bloody little genius!
Leo Bloom : I meant no scheme. I merely posed a little academic accounting theory; it was just a thought.
Max Bialystock : Bloom, worlds are turned on such thoughts!
-
Max Bialystock : You're an accountant! You're in a noble profession! The word "count" is part of your title!
-
Lorenzo St. DuBois : [singing] And I give a flower to the big fat cop / He takes his club and he beats me up / I give a flower to the garbage man / He stuffs my girl in the garbage can / And I give it to the landlord when the rent comes 'round / He throws it in the toilet and he flush it down / It goes into the sewer / With the yuck runnin' through 'er / And it runs into the river that we drink / Hey, world, YOU STINK! Ugh! Man it's later than you think! Girl you got just one more chance/ Come on baby while I dance!
[dances]
Lorenzo St. DuBois : [speaking] You don't think 'bout no little flowers! Oh no, all you think about is guns. If everybody in the world today had a flower instead of a gun, there would be no wars. There would be one big smell-in. Just the flowers...!
[rips his flowers in half]
Lorenzo St. DuBois : Hey, man, my flower... My flower. What'd you do to my flower, man? You hurt it, like everything else... Everything else... flowers.
[he sits down onstage and starts eating a banana, then sucks his thumb]
Max Bialystock : THAT'S OUR HITLER!
-
Max Bialystock : Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life, Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison... HEEELLP!
-
Concierge : Who d'ya want?
Leo Bloom : I beg your pardon?
Concierge : Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "concierge". My husband used to be the "concierge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "concierge".
Max Bialystock : We are seeking Franz Liebkind.
Concierge : Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, apartment 23.
Max Bialystock : Thank you...
Concierge : ...But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift?
Leo Bloom : We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam.
Concierge : I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "concierge"!
-
Max Bialystock : This pin used to hold a pearl the size of your eye. Look at me now, LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt!
-
[Leo Bloom walks in on Bialystock romancing Holdmethouchme]
Leo Bloom : Oh my God!
Max Bialystock : You mean "oops," don't you? Just say "oops" and get out!
Leo Bloom : ''stammering'' Ah-a-a-a-a-a-a-a
Max Bialystock : Not "Ah-a-a-a-a-a-a-a" Oops!
Leo Bloom : Oops!
[slams the door]
-
Max Bialystock : Here's to failure
Leo Bloom : ...To failure
Drunk : Why, thank you! You're very kind!
-
Max Bialystock : Leo, how much percentage of a play can there be all together?
Leo Bloom : Max, you can only sell a hundred percent of anything.
Max Bialystock : And how much of 'Springtime for Hitler' have we sold?
Leo Bloom : Twenty-five thousand percent.
-
Max Bialystock : All right. All right. All right. The Contessa and the Chauffeur.
[makes car noises]
Hold me, Touch me : So the Count hired you this morning, Rudolfo? Watch the road. Watch the road.
Max Bialystock : [stops making car noises] can't take my eyes off you! How can I drive when you drive me mad? Mad!
Hold me, Touch me : [giggles] Rudolfo, you dirty pig!
[seriously]
Hold me, Touch me : Pull over.
-
Leo Bloom : I would like to say something, your Honor. Not in my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock.
Judge : Proceed.
Leo Bloom : Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury - Max Bialystock is the most... selfish man I ever met in my life.
Max Bialystock : [whispering angrily] Don't help me!
Leo Bloom : Not only is he a liar, and a cheat, and a scoundrel and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, but he's also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never, in a thousand years have dreamed of doing! But, your Honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your Honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, who has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was... this man... No one ever called me 'Leo' before! I mean, I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten they used to call me 'Bloom!' I never sang a song before! I mean with someone else, I never sang a song with someone else before. This man... This man... this is a wonderful man! He made me what I am today. He did. And what of the dear ladies? What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock, who made them feel young, and attractive, and wanted again? That's all I have to say.
[the court applauds enthusiastically]
Judge : [banging] Order, order.
Max Bialystock : [standing] And may I humbly add, your Honor, that we've learned our lesson. And we'll never do it again.
[cut to Max and Leo in prison]
-
Max Bialystock : [eating a hot dog] Hm, excellent! Please tender our compliments to the chef.
Hot Dog Vendor : Please tender half a buck!
-
Max Bialystock : Thank you, I knew I could con you.
-
Max Bialystock : That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.
-
Max Bialystock : Leo, he who hesitates is poor!
-
Max Bialystock : Till Thursday. Thursday. Until Thursday, then, you bawdy wench.
Hold me, Touch me : Oh, hold me! Touch me!
Max Bialystock : Thursday! Thursday!
-
Max Bialystock : That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!
-
Max Bialystock : Roger, did you have a chance to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris : [emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress] Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work.
Leo Bloom : [under his breath] Max... he's wearing a dress.
Max Bialystock : No kidding.
Roger De Bris : Did you know, I never knew that the Third Reich meant Germany. I mean it's just drenched with historical goodies like that... Oh dear, you're staring at my dress. I should explain. We are going to the choreographer's ball tonight and there's a prize for the best costume.
Carmen Giya : And we always win!
Roger De Bris : I don't know about tonight. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do you think, Mr. Bloom?
Leo Bloom : ...Where do you keep your wallet?
-
Hold me, Touch me : And after that, we'll play, "The Abduction and the Cruel Rape of Lucretia", and I'll be Lucretia.
Max Bialystock : And I'll be Rape!
-
Max Bialystock : Max Bialystock is launching himself into little old lady land.
-
Hold me, Touch me : I can't abide a peeping Tom. There's one in the apartment just opposite my bedroom window. I swear, that man never takes his field glasses off me, not for a minute. Feeling better?
Max Bialystock : Yes.
Hold me, Touch me : Good.
[locking the door to Max's office]
Hold me, Touch me : Let's fool around.
-
Max Bialystock : Ulla! Go get car!
Ulla : Ja, ja! We go to motel?
Max Bialystock : No. I go with Mr. Bloom.
Ulla : You and Mr. Bloom go to motel?
Max Bialystock : No! Get car!
Ulla : Get car!
-
Max Bialystock : There it is, Bloom. The most exciting city in the world. Thrills, adventure, romance. Everything you ever dreamed of is down there. Big black limousines. Gold cigarette cases. Elegant ladies with long legs. All you need is money, Bloom. Money is honey! Money is honey!
-
[last lines]
Max Bialystock : Sing it out, men! Higher, you animals, higher! We open in Leavenworth Saturday night!
-
Max Bialystock : Who are you and why are you loitering in my hallway?
Leo Bloom : [is silent]
Max Bialystock : Well? Speak dummy! Speak!
Leo Bloom : [gapsing] ... can't... scared...
-
Max Bialystock : [smiling at Leo to calm him down] Well you know what they say, 'smile and the world smiles with you'.
Max Bialystock : [to camera] This man should be in a straitjacket.
-
Max Bialystock : [reading post-show telegrams] ..."Congratulations - it's the biggest hit on Broadway!"..."Congratulations! Hitler will run forever!"..."Congratulations... Congratulations... Congratulations!"
Roger De Bris : [comes in with a tray of champagne and glasses] CONGRATULATIONS! Have you seen the lines at the box office? It's a torrent! It's an avalanche! It's the BIGGEST HIT ON BROADWAY!
Max Bialystock : [advancing on him] You lousy fruit! You ruined me!
[knocks the tray and glasses out of his hands]
Roger De Bris : You're crazy! He's gonna kill me! Call the police! Call the police! Help! Help! Murder! Murder!
Roger De Bris : [screams] RAPE!
-
Max Bialystock : They come here, they all come here. How do they find me?
-
Franz Liebkind : Gentlemen, it is magic time. Good luck. Good luck. Tonight, Broadway; tomorrow...
[makes shape of globe with hands]
Max Bialystock : [after Liebkind has gone in] So much for Nazi Fagin.
-
Ulla : Goddag på dig!
Leo Bloom : Uh, I beg your pardon?
Ulla : Goddag på dig!
Leo Bloom : Ah, gut da! Max, have you gone mad? A receptionist who can't speak English? What will people say?
Max Bialystock : They'll say, "A wuma wa wa wa wa!"
-
Max Bialystock : Don't you see, darling Bloom, glorious Bloom? It's so simple. STEP ONE: We find the worst play ever written, a surefire flop. STEP TWO: I raise a million bucks. Lots of little old ladies out there. STEP THREE: You go back to work on the books, two of them - one for the government, one for us. You can do it, Bloom; you're a wizard! STEP FOUR: We open on Broadway. And before you can say STEP FIVE, we *close* on Broadway! STEP SIX: We take our million bucks and fly to *Rio!*
-
Hold me, Touch me : Hold me! Touch me!
Max Bialystock : [pulling her into his office] Not in the hall!
-
Max Bialystock : Listen. Every night people are laughing at your beloved Fuhrer. Why?
Franz Liebkind : It's that L.S.D., und his verdampter "babies"!
-
Max Bialystock : Have I ever steered you wrong?
Franz Liebkind : Always.
Max Bialystock : Never mind.
-
Hold me, Touch me : Oh Bialy, Bialy, darling, did I hurt you?
Max Bialystock : It's only a flesh wound, lambchop.
-
Max Bialystock : I used to have thousands of investors begging, pleading to put their money in a Max Bialystock production. Look at my investors now: Voila, hundreds of little old ladies stopping off at Max Bialystock's office to grab a last thrill on the way to the cemetery.
-
Max Bialystock : Don't shoot! It's the dynamite! If you shoot it, it will get mad at us, and blow us all up.
Franz Liebkind : Yah. That is good thinking. I will put this dynamite back.
Max Bialystock : Good.
[after Liebkind has left]
Max Bialystock : Next time I produce a play - no author!
-
Max Bialystock : So you're an accountant, huh?
Leo Bloom : Yes, I am.
Max Bialystock : Then account for yourself! You believe in God, you believe in gold; why are you looking up old ladies' dresses? Bit of a pervert, huh?
-
Max Bialystock : I know she's in here. I wonder where she's hiding? Where are you?
Hold me, Touch me : [laughs in hiding]
Max Bialystock : Where are you, devil woman?
-
Max Bialystock : I assume you're making those cartoon noises to attract my attention. Am I correct in my assumption, you fish-faced enemy of the people?
-
Max Bialystock : You figure it out. I'm tired. I'm gonna take a little nap. Wake me if there's a fire.
Leo Bloom : Well, let's see. If we add these, we get ten, four... Hmm... Amazing. It's absolutely amazing. That under the right circumstances, a Producer could make more money with a flop than he could with a hit. Hmm... Yes, it's quite possible! If he were certain that the show would fail, a man could make a fortune!
Max Bialystock : Yes?
Leo Bloom : Yes what?
Max Bialystock : What you were saying, keep talking.
Leo Bloom : What was I saying?
Max Bialystock : You were saying that under the right circumstances, a Producer could make more money with a *flop* than he could with a hit.
Leo Bloom : Yes, it's quite possible.
-
Roger De Bris : I see it! I see it! A line of beautiful girls dressed as storm troopers, black patent leather boots, S-M.
Carmen Giya : Love it.
Roger De Bris : All marching together! "Two, three, kick, turn. Turn, turn, kick, turn..." It will work!
Max Bialystock : That is genius! Genius! I speak for Mr Bloom and myself when I say you're the only man in the world who can do justice to "Springtime for Hitler".
-
Max Bialystock : I assume you are making those cartoon noises because you want to attract my attention. What is it, you fish-faced enemy of the people?
-
Max Bialystock : Oooooooh, I WANT THAT MONEY!
-
Max Bialystock : Ya know who I used to be ?
-
Max Bialystock : Pussycat!
-
Ulla : Boo-boo? Boo-boo?
Max Bialystock : Yeah?
Ulla : We make love?
[takes off her coat, reveals she's only wearing underwear]
Max Bialystock : No, we don't make love. Go to work.
[Ulla turns on the music, starts go-go dancing]
-
Leo Bloom : Hysterical attacks have a way of severely depleting one's blood sugar.
Max Bialystock : They certainly do... they certainly do!
-
Leo Bloom : Do you think he'll take the job?
Max Bialystock : ONLY if we ask him.
-
Max Bialystock : It's gorgeous! It's gorgeous! You couldn't have picked a better color! It brings out your eyes! Let's face it, Roger, that dress is you!
Roger De Bris : Do you really think it brings out my eyes?
Carmen Giya : He can't tell a thing without your wig. As far as I'm concerned, you're only half dressed.
Roger De Bris : Mm hm? Well, if you're so worried about the wig, get it, oh wicked witch of the west.
-
Max Bialystock : Help me! Help me!
[kisses Leo's shoulder, tie, glasses, hand...]
Leo Bloom : I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it!
Max Bialystock : Thank you. I knew I could con ya.
Leo Bloom : It's all right - what?
Max Bialystock : Nothing, nothing. Do it, do it!
-
Hold me, Touch me : Papa, no want to play with baby?
Hold me, Touch me : I think Papa's neck is broken.
Max Bialystock : What a sissy! Meow... meow!
-
[first lines]
Max Bialystock : Come on.
Old Lady : Ta-ta.
Max Bialystock : Ta-ta. Don't forget the checkie. Can't produce plays without checkie.
Old Lady : You can count on me, you dirty young man.
-
Max Bialystock : Yes, Prince Myshkin. What can we do for you?
-
Max Bialystock : Fine. Fine. Good. Good. Thursday. Thursday. Goodbye, my powder pigeon. Goodbye. Bye-bye.
-
Leo Bloom : According to the backers list, you raised $60,000, but the play that you produced only cost $58,000. That's $2,000 unaccounted for.
Max Bialystock : I went to a Turkish bath. Who cares? The play was a flop!
-
Max Bialystock : How can a Producer make more money with a flop than he could with a hit?
Leo Bloom : Well, it's simply a matter of creative accounting.
-
Leo Bloom : You don't understand.
Max Bialystock : No, Bloom, you don't understand! This is fate! This is destiny! This is kismet! There's no avoiding it.
-
Max Bialystock : You miserable, cowardly, wretched, little caterpillar. Don't you ever want to become a butterfly? Don't you want to spread your wings and flap your way to glory?
-
Max Bialystock : Don't let me influence you. It's your decision.
Leo Bloom : But if we get caught, we'll go to prison.
Max Bialystock : You think you're not in prison now? Living in a grey, little room? Going to a grey, little job? Leading a grey, little life?
-
Max Bialystock : Up to now, you've always been associated with musicals.
Roger De Bris : Yes! Dopey showgirls with gooey gowns. "Two, three, kick, turn. Turn, turn, kick, turn!"
-
Max Bialystock : Wasted a whole day playing hide-and-seek with a crazy kraut!
-
Max Bialystock : You see my dear Bloom, phase one is complete -- the play is ours. We are now entering phase two -- the raising of the money. In the days to come, you will see very little of me, for Max Bialystock is launching himself into little-old-lady-land. Adieu.
[to cab driver]
Max Bialystock : Avanti!
-
Max Bialystock : [to a cab driver] The Blue Gypsy.
Leo Bloom : Why are we going to The Blue Gypsy?
Max Bialystock : WE are not going to The Blue Gypsy. *I* am going to The Blue Gypsy.
-
Max Bialystock : Don't shoot! It's the dynamite!
[trying to keep calm]
Max Bialystock : If you shoot it, it will get mad at us, and blow us all up.
Franz Liebkind : Ah. That is good thinking. I will put this dynamite back.
Max Bialystock : Good.
[to Leo]
Max Bialystock : Next time I produce a play: No author.
